Page 39 of Wanting Daisy Dead

Georgie

‘How have I held on all these years?’ I hear myself say to Dan in the silent aftermath of breakfast.

Dan reaches his hand along the table and touches mine, but I recoil and snatch it away.

‘No, Dan, living in the past this weekend has helped me see the future, and it isn’t pretty.’

‘If you’re talking about Lauren then you’re being silly. Yes, she’s been after me all weekend, but nothing happened.’

‘We both know that’s not true; when I told everyone about Lauren stealing Daisy’s manuscript, I was preparing for act two – the “you two are having an affair” monologue.

And before she stomped off, I tried really hard to gather the energy to do it.

I focused on the two of you having sex in our car, her on my seat, and you promising you weren’t cheating.

I really tried to get angry, an emotion I’ve never had an issue conjuring up from nowhere – but guess what?

I’m not even angry. You’ve finally managed to numb my feelings, and all I feel now is sad – for you . ’

‘What do you mean, sad ?’ He seems offended.

‘Because I’ve wasted too much time on you – on us.

All the nights I’ve cried myself to sleep over the past twenty years, telling myself I need to be sexier, slimmer, a better wife, less angry, more understanding, a better person – when all the time it’s been you who needs to change, not me.

I’ve always known who you are, but I just told myself, he’s a good father, a good provider, he’s funny, he puts up with me .

But is that the kind of love to build a marriage on, to pin a life to?

I’m almost forty, and if I’m lucky I have at least another thirty years of this, and I can’t do it anymore.

I live on the edge, not knowing where you are, who you’re with, and pretending to myself that your “fantasies” are enough to keep us together.

But they aren’t, and they never will be, because you want the real thing.

I’m sure you believe that running home and telling me everything not only gives you a thrill but also legitimises your betrayal. ’

‘Betrayal?’ He scoffs at the word, thinking I’m being dramatic.

He really has no feelings, no empathy. And he says I’m the psychopath.

Dan thinks and cares only for himself, and I’ve immersed myself so deeply in this life with him that I’ve lost myself.

I’m overwhelmed. But I don’t want him to see me cry – I never cry.

‘I saw the look on everyone’s face when I confronted Lauren about the book earlier, and I felt ashamed .

Have I really become so cruel, Dan? Am I now reduced to getting my kicks by hurting other people just because I live in a permanent state of hurt?

What Lauren did was bad, but I can see how she got caught up in a world that flattered and fawned, and who am I to criticise? I’ve done a lot worse.’

‘I don’t want to talk about this ...’

‘You don’t have to talk about it – but for once you will listen !’

We glare at each other across the table, and he’s the first to look away, so I continue.

‘When I found out that Daisy was pregnant, I was so hurt, I tried to finish with you. It was late September. You said she’d only just found out – “a missed period” was how you described it.

I didn’t believe you then, and I don’t now.

You must have been sleeping with her long before I knew.

You’d made out that I was always involved, but you’d obviously already slept with her when you tried to finish with me . ..’

‘Look, you begged and begged me to stay – I didn’t know what to do.’

‘So I’m right. You were sleeping with Daisy in the summer?’

‘I slept with her once, in the August. You probably remember, I went to Exeter and moved some of my stuff into the house. She was really down because David had gone on holiday with his family. She’d hung around Exeter all summer to be with him, and said she felt used.

She was lonely, and so was I because you were at home with your family. ’

‘Yeah, I was at home with my parents – it was the summer holidays. How like you to somehow make it my fault that you slept with someone else in my absence. You’ve never been honest with me, Dan.

You haven’t changed – you never will. You convinced me that Daisy was pregnant from sleeping with her at the beginning of term, when I was with you both.

You see, even when you’d done terrible things, you could always persuade me otherwise.

You’d tell me lies, flatter me, make all kinds of promises you’d never any intention of keeping.

But this weekend, something has finally clicked, coming back here to where it all happened, where you gaslighted me, betrayed me and used me; now I realise it wasn’t your persuasive charm or seduction techniques that kept me with you, it was my low self-esteem .

I never understood what you saw in me, and I was so grateful for any crumb this handsome, intelligent boy could throw my way.

And you did, you threw me crumbs for a long time, nothing more – and my friends would tell me you were a cheater, but I wouldn’t listen.

I thought I loved you, but it wasn’t love.

I’m not sure I’ve ever truly loved anyone, because you’ve always stood in the way of real love for me.

You were familiar , and with you I felt this strange comfort I was accustomed to but couldn’t quite understand.

Now I know – it’s because men like you are all I’ve ever known.

My father and later my stepfather were both unfaithful men who had no real regard for my mother, just used her and betrayed her.

I realise now that subconsciously I’d soaked it up, thinking that was what love looked like.

Just like the men who took my mother for granted, for you I was convenient. ’

‘Not true,’ he monotones dismissively, like he’s bored.

‘It is. It began at uni – I cooked for you, and cleaned your room because my obsessive cleanliness couldn’t ignore the mess and dust. I even did your washing.’

‘I never asked you to.’

‘No, you didn’t, but that’s not the point. I’m not blaming you for my obsession with cleanliness, but I think it’s become worse over the years. We both enabled each other in different ways. I enabled you to be unfaithful and you enabled me to turn myself into your mother – and your rescuer.’

‘What are you talking about, Georgie?’ He has this way of looking at me that makes me feel stupid.

Not anymore.

‘I was the person you ran to when you were in trouble, and I never let you down. I’m tired of saving you.

And I know what will happen now. Having led Lauren to believe she’s more than a fling, she won’t let you go.

She’ll call you and beg you, and ultimately I’ll have to deal with it, and sort your mess out, because you’ve no intention of leaving me.

I don’t flatter myself – it isn’t about me – but why should you leave someone who looks after your kids, keeps your home spotless, does everything so you can do nothing?

And I pretend not to notice when you come home late, smelling of another woman’s perfume. ’

‘I won’t leave you, Georgie, I love you.’

‘You really don’t listen, do you? I’m leaving you. I hate who I’ve become and I have to try and be a better person. I have to start by letting go of the past – and you’re part of that.’

We sit in silence, and I think about everything that’s happened, while he no doubt replays his own version.

When he discovered Daisy was pregnant, Dan was a mess.

He was in tears when he told me, more scared that his dad would cut off his allowance than anything else.

And, believe it or not, as devastated as I was, I felt flattered that he’d told me and touched that he wanted my help.

He was desperate for Daisy not to have the baby, as was I – and we assumed she’d want the same.

So, I arranged for the three of us to meet up in a bar in town, and he offered her the money to have an abortion.

‘No way,’ she said. ‘I’m having this baby whether you want it or not. My mum was almost made to have an abortion when she was carrying me. I couldn’t even think about it.’

I hate myself for this now, but I really tried to convince her to do it. ‘Look, it’s the best thing for you and the baby. You won’t be able to continue your studies – you won’t be able to even afford a baby.’

I didn’t care about Daisy’s baby; I only cared about my future with Dan and how this inconvenience would impact that. He was the same.

I hate who we were. And I hate who we are now.

I was seeing a very different life than the one I’d envisaged for Dan and me.

A life Daisy and her child would always be part of, and when she got bored or was in between boyfriends she’d weave her magic and lure Dan back.

We’d never be free of her: she’d emotionally blackmail him, seduce him whenever she wanted anything, and demand his support.

We all walked home that night, and I knew we couldn’t just leave it, so when Dan came to my room later, we talked into the small hours about what to do.

Less than two months later, Daisy was dead.