Page 21 of Waiting for Love (The Taverstons of Iversley #3)

O livia spent the morning writing to an old friend who would also be in London for the Season. She’d been promising Mama she would do so. Their fathers had been close, so they had spent time in one another’s schoolrooms and music rooms and long weeks at each other’s family estates during house parties. Nevertheless, she hadn’t seen Isabel for more than two years and their letters had grown infrequent. They should have debuted in the same cohort, but…Papa had fallen ill.

Isabel had married last year so she was busy doing married things, and there wasn’t much for Olivia to write about when isolated in the country. Nothing that would interest Isabel. But Olivia would need friends in London, so she wrote to her old playfellow. About Arthur. About her new clothes. She asked after Isabel’s family. Then she sealed her letter with wax and a frown.

Done. Hopefully Isabel would respond.

“Tansy, please give this to Peters to see to.”

“Yes, my lady.”

“And may I have my bonnet and pelisse?”

While Tansy was in the dressing room looking for her things, a rap came on the door, so Olivia answered it herself, then stepped back.

“Alice!” She was dressed like a frump. Olivia wondered if she was saving her better dresses for London. “Good. You can come riding with me.”

“Oh.” Alice bit her lip. “I can’t. Georgiana wants me. But I—I needed to talk to you first.” She moved into the chamber. There was a cloud on her brow that looked ready to break.

Olivia sat down hard on the edge of her bed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She spoke too quickly. Then she slid into Olivia’s desk chair, continuing to frown. “It’s ridiculous. But Georgiana”—she raised her eyes then dropped them—“she asked if you’ve said anything to me about Benjamin.”

A chill ran through Olivia’s core. “What do you mean? What would I say?”

Alice shrugged one shoulder awkwardly. “She mentioned that you favored him when you were young. And that you seem…I don’t know, happier now that he’s back from London.”

“What a gossip!” She tried to give a disbelieving huff, but it came out as more of a whine. Of course her brothers talked, and everything Reg knew, Georgiana would know. “She thinks I’m chasing after him?” Was it so inconceivable that Benjamin might be interested in her ?

“Don’t be mad at me . I told Georgiana she was being silly. I told her I’ve seen you together frequently and there is no indication…” With a sigh, she added, “Maybe I should not have said ‘frequently.’”

No, she shouldn’t have. Especially since Olivia didn’t see Benjamin frequently enough!

“Benjamin and I are friends. That’s all.”

“Yes, that’s what I told her. But I wanted to be sure. If you need to talk—”

“We’re friends,” she said stubbornly, “just as you and Hazard are.”

Alice blinked. Then she turned her head and fidgeted. Olivia peered more closely. Alice’s cheeks turned faintly pink.

“Oh, Alice.” This was not good. “Hazard is…” What? “You do know that Hazard…”

“His interests lie elsewhere.” Alice twisted her hands in her lap and then stood. “Yes, I know that. I knew it even before Georgiana took it upon herself to explain the same thing. But that has no bearing. We enjoy one another’s company. Is that not allowed?”

“Of course it is.” She could imagine the whole conversation—Georgiana interrogating Alice about her interest in Hazard and Olivia’s interest in Benjamin. It was embarrassing. And worse, Olivia believed she and Alice were now lying to each other. And to Georgiana. “I am not scaring Benjamin back to Canada, so Georgiana can put that worry out of her head.”

“Well, it might help”—Alice lowered her voice further, apologetically—“if you were to show a little more enthusiasm for your coming-out.”

Tansy reentered the bedroom and stood quietly near the wall, pelisse and bonnet clasped in her hands. Good. Olivia felt even more desperate to escape.

Alice continued, “Reg is worried, you know. Worried you are still grieving your father. Clinging too much to Chaumbers. Worried that you are being pushed out into the world before you are ready. But your mother says—”

“Faith!” Embarrassment flooded her. “Have you all been conferencing about me behind my back?” This was worse than being mortified at fourteen! She was no longer a pitiable child.

Alice fluttered her hand. “Not about Benjamin. Georgiana asked that privately.”

She was thankful for that small favor, but still. “So Reg thinks I am too immature to debut?” How unfair. No one accused Crispin of immaturity for being so fond of the old Binnings cottage that no one else was allowed to touch it. And Jasper could have no concept of what it would feel like, being pushed out of his beloved home. “And my mother thinks what?”

Alice’s brow furrowed. “Your mother says you’ll be fine. But Jasper is worried that you’re afraid of facing the ton. Because his marrying Vanessa has disadvantaged you.”

“No.” Olivia pressed down upon her bed, clutching the coverlet. Georgiana recognized that she was mooning over Benjamin, and Jasper thought she resented him marrying Vanessa. It couldn’t possibly be worse. “I am looking forward to my debut. Good heavens. How could I not be? What I am unenthusiastic about is spending hours in my dressing room being fitted for clothes. They all know me well enough to know that.”

Alice nodded, but not as though she was convinced. Olivia vowed to stop complaining. She would laugh and smile and gush. And lie.

“I can’t wait to go to London! I just wrote to a friend telling her so.” She couldn’t let Jasper think she was afraid of the ton’s gossips. She shouldn’t have volunteered to wait another year. Especially after exhorting Vanessa to be fearless! But it wasn’t that she was afraid of failing. She was afraid of succeeding. “Just drop word to Georgiana that I am thrilled the fittings are almost done so now I can enjoy the preparations for London. She’ll tell Reg and he’ll tell Jasper, and this silliness will be done.”

“Yes, I can do that.”

“And now, Tansy, my things.” She stood up so quickly her knees wobbled. She needed air. She didn’t dare say any more to Alice. “I’m going for my ride.”

*

She rode Dandy out to the lake. Nothing was going right. Oatmeal was off her feed and George wanted to keep her close. The meadow was terribly muddy, and Dandy picked his way.

When she reached the lake, she dismounted at the tree stump they kept cleared for the purpose. She let Dandy graze while she wandered out to the boathouse. It was nearly complete. Willy had made it a little larger than the previous one. Tighter. The paint looked fresh, so she didn’t touch the boards.

Come summer, the family would come out to swim and row. They would have picnics. Georgiana would lay Arthur on a blanket. Perhaps he would start to crawl here at the lake.

She would not be here to see it.

Stop that! She would soon be dancing in the finest ballrooms in London. She would go to the theater. Operas. The museum. Bookstores. Vauxhall Gardens. She would eat ices at Gunthers and ride in Hyde Park. Handsome lords would fill her dance card.

She used to dream of these things before Papa got sick. Like any normal young lady, she did . Back then, Benjamin had been in Canada for more than two years. She’d put him out of her mind. She had been over him.

While trying to sort her thoughts, she wandered back to the grass where Dandy waited. She stroked his neck, then started at the sound of hoofbeats behind her. She turned.

Goose. And Benjamin. Her stomach fluttered. Then sank. She wasn’t over him. She would never be over him.

For a long moment, they regarded one another in silence.

“Good afternoon, Lady Olivia. I’m sorry to disturb you.”

“Mr. Carroll. I am not disturbed.” She forced a smile and gestured with a tilt of her head. “I came to see how the new boathouse looks.”

“That was my errand as well.”

Her lip curled. How stuffy he sounded. As though afraid she would accuse him of following her there.

She said, “It looks wonderful. Willy did a fine job.”

“He’s doing good work at the cottage too.”

Silence fell again. And grew.

“I understand Jasper likes your Mr. Boring quite well.”

“I think he will suit.”

After another awkward few moments, Benjamin dismounted. He folded his hands on Goose’s neck and studied his fingers.

“My lady, I really must apologize for what transpired at the folly.”

“What transpired ?” She bit her lip. This was ridiculous.

He faced her. His skin looked ashen. “I behaved abominably. I should have apologized immediately.”

The kiss was her fault, not his. And then, she’d run away. The outing had come to a swift close afterward. Hannah had exhausted herself and Hazard claimed she’d exhausted him, too. On the ride back, Olivia had spoken only with Alice. She could not recall a thing that they’d said. She remembered only feeling a strange, floating sort of joy, but knew Benjamin was cursing himself so she had no business being happy.

She drew a deep breath and blinked her stinging eyes. “Let’s not do this. I don’t need to hear that it was a mistake. Or that it can never happen again. I know all those things. Just tell me why. Why did you kiss me?”

“It doesn’t matter why.”

“It does to me.” Had it been a silly whim of the moment or something he dreamed about? Something he had resisted until he could no longer resist? Or did he readily kiss women in corners? It mattered. She waited, but he returned to staring at his hands. So she said, “Shall I tell you why I kissed you?”

“You didn’t. I took a liberty I shouldn’t have. You very rightly pushed me away.”

“Oh, bosh. I kissed you because I love you.”

Here were those words again issuing from her mouth. At least she was not wearing another pink frilly dress.

“No.” He shook his head almost violently. “You can’t still be in love with me. Olivia, you haven’t yet met the man you will love. You are only holding onto an infatuation—”

“Listen to me. Listen, and don’t tell me what I feel! I’m not still in love with you. I have fallen in love.”

He practically glowered. How could she make him understand?

“When I was a child, I thought you were a prince. You were so nice to me. And my brothers thought the world of you, so how could I not? But I grew up, Benjamin. If I thought of you at all, after you were gone, it was as a silly, embarrassing moment from my past. You’re right that I can’t possibly still be in love with you because what I felt then was not love.”

He raked his hand through his hair. “So why should you believe it is love now?”

“We are not the same people. We have both grown up. Everything is changed. I think you kissed me because you…” She faltered. It was easier to think it than to say it. She had made the mistake once before. Accusing him. She framed it as a question. “Do you love me?”

His eyes looked tortured. He didn’t speak. But he nodded.

Again, she felt that floating joy. As though her heart was lifting out of her body.

“What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” he rasped. “Olivia, what do you expect? I am a steward. I am Jasper’s steward.”

“You don’t think he would accept—”

“No.”

“But he married Vanessa.”

He shook his head. “He is an earl. The world is different for earls.”

“But—”

“Don’t you see how this looks ?” He stomped away from his horse. Away from her. Then spun around. “Think, Olivia. A penniless adventurer wheedles his way into the house of an earl and takes advantage of the foolish tendre the earl’s sister once had for him.”

“You didn’t—”

“They will call it a seduction. A fortune-hunter’s seduction.”

“Oh!” Bile rose in her throat. Such an ugly word. For an ugly, unfair accusation. “I won’t listen to what nasty gossipmongers say.”

“I am talking about your brothers ! Your mother.”

Olivia was rendered speechless. Her brothers would not… They knew Benjamin… Mama might be disappointed. She thought titles were so important. She’d married Papa so she could be a countess. But surely she thought differently now. Love was more important.

“Mama will come around,” she said weakly.

“It will not work.” Shaking his head, Benjamin repeated, “It will not work. Olivia, you will marry a peer. It is what you are born to. It is what your children deserve.” His voice grew stronger. Angrier. “Do you know what I am? My father was a laborer and a drunkard. My mother, God rest her soul, took in washing so that we could eat.”

A knot tightened in her belly. She didn’t care who his parents were. Except that it made who he had become even more admirable.

“You love me but not enough to brave the consequences.”

“I love you too much.”

“No. No, I don’t believe in that kind of love. You will condemn me to a life of unhappiness to protect your own image of yourself.”

His face fell. Not only his face. His whole body drooped. Shoulders. Knees. He seemed to shrink into himself.

“I hope you will not be so unhappy.” Then he murmured, “Olivia, I have to think of Hannah.”

Hannah . She could be a mother to Hannah. “Do you imagine me incapable of loving her as my own?”

“Not you. You are infinitely loving. But your society excludes. I cannot subject her to that.”

How was she to argue against his devotion to his daughter? It was one of the things she loved about him. She’d run out of arguments. Crushed, she slogged across the waterlogged grass to catch Dandy’s bridle.

“You have your obligations. I have mine.” She waved a hand toward the boathouse. “Go. Look. Don’t touch the boards; the paint is wet. I’m going back to the house. It’s best if no one knows that we were here together.”

He nodded, jaw tight and hands clenched.

“And, Mr. Carroll, we shouldn’t be alone together again. I can’t bear it.”

She led Dandy to the stump, the makeshift mounting block. Her muddied boot slipped as she tried to step up. The next moment, Benjamin was at her side, gripping her elbow to steady her, then turning her to face him. He put his hands on her waist as if to lift her to the saddle. She saw the longing in his eyes, felt the trembling of his hands. Her knees weakened and she began trembling also. “Olivia,” he groaned, slipping his hands around her back. He tightened his arms around her.

“Don’t!” She turned her head, fighting the desire to let him kiss her, trying to hold onto what remained of her pride. “Don’t. You will hate yourself and I will feel stupid.”

“I—” His expression was full of regret, sorrow, a dose of self-loathing. It made her mad.

“I don’t want a parting kiss. Some ridiculously melodramatic goodbye. Don’t kiss me now unless you intend to kiss me again tomorrow. And the next day and the next.”

His hands fell to his sides, and he stepped back.

“That is what I thought.” With a firmness of resolve she did not feel, she spun around, stepped onto the stump, and mounted Dandy. She was perfectly capable of doing it herself. Then she clicked her tongue and urged the horse along, without looking back.