Page 14 of Vying Girls (Girls of Hazelhurst #2)

Tilda

Only reason I signed up for this damn thing was the off chance that Nic might attend. I stand nervously in camo and a mask, fiddling with the paintball gun as the instructor rattles off safety instructions.

I look around the sea of green and brown bodies. There’re some taller forms—the hockey boys—but I know none of them are Nic. I don’t even need to see her face to know she’s around. It’s a feeling, like entering a haunted house and just knowing.

I kick the ground with my boot. Fuck’s sake. Now I’m stuck doing this for an hour. Anyone shoots me and I’ll probably cry.

The instructor shouts and everyone falls out, running behind towers of tractor wheels and corrugated shields. My heart thumps as I make for a row of orange barrels. Please don’t shoot, please don’t shoot.

Why did I think Nic might enjoy this? I shake my head as I listen to the boys shout orders like we’re truly entering battle.

Desperation, I suppose. And anger. Because that’s been brewing, the more she ignores my messages, the more she ignores me.

Reminds me of when she was a kid and we used to fall out. She’d never tell me what I did, just sulk and glare until one of our parents called an intervention and forced me to apologise.

She’s not changed much, clearly. And there’s no one to intervene for us now so I’m resorting to shit like this.

Tried her tent but she’s moved it. I’ve become consumed with the thought of seeing her.

Every time I spot some lanky form, my heart thuds thinking it’s Nic.

Next hockey practice can’t come quick enough.

I can be sure she won’t avoid that at least.

Someone on the other team prowls towards me. I leg it over to a wall of logs, grunting when a sharp pain erupts on my thigh. Fucker.

I straighten up, hands in the air, and leave the arena.

There’s still so many out there. Think I was the first to be eliminated. Embarrassing. I loiter in the trees, wondering how I can sneak home before round two starts.

Hazelhurst is perfect for something like this. It’s a stunning day, sunlight dappling the arena, all the spring birds twittering their little tail feathers off. Everything smells fresh and mulchy.

I sit down on an overturned tree, flitting my gaze between all the anonymous bodies. Suppose not everything has to be your thing. Think I’ll stick to hockey where I can see everyone’s faces and there’s always a stick between me and my enemies.

I flinch when someone plonks down beside me, their red armband showing they’re from the opposing team.

‘Calm down, PTSD. Sheesh, never enlist, will you.’

‘You’re out too, Tommy, so don’t take the piss.’

I kick my legs out to get more comfortable. If Tommy’s here, I might stick around. At least that’s one person I know. Not sure who else is out there.

‘Probably gonna be a while,’ he comments.

‘Fine with me. Where did you get hit? I’m gonna have a bruise from hell.’

He lifts his arm, showing me the blue splodge.

‘Ah, well. At least they didn’t get my tit.’

He snorts, fiddling with his mask. Not sure we’re supposed to take them off but the thing’s stifling.

Only Tommy’s hair shows above it. Guess Nic didn’t inherit the curly gene, wherever that came from. She looked like her dad mostly, particularly with her height.

As tall as doorways; I remember him standing in mine many a night. Could never tell if it was a dream or not back then. I know the difference now, the pervy fuck. A shudder runs through me. This whole thing with Nic is making me remember the worst moments, not just the good.

‘Tommy?’

‘Hm?’

I heft the gun in my hands, needing something to fiddle with. ‘Shit’s gone down with me and Nic recently.’

He turns his head. ‘Yeah? You two a thing now? So much for being straight. I’ve seen you snogging your housemates. The ones you definitely weren’t trying to make jealous with me.’

‘No, no. Nothing like that.’ I release a breath.

‘Basically, she told me I was her old stepsister.’ I look at him, gauging his reaction.

He’s still, listening attentively. ‘Before she came to you guys. I was just wondering if I could pick your brains about her. Because she’s refusing to speak to me. ’

‘Wait. Are you serious?’

I nod. ‘I never knew it was her all this time. Just didn’t recognise her, but it makes sense, kind of, why she’s always been so off with me.’

‘Wow…that’s, wow.’ He sits up, shifting a bit closer. ‘Well, what do you want to know?’

I huff. ‘Everything. What happened when she came to you guys? What was she like?’

‘Quiet. Obviously super sad about her dad, despite… And then Mum wasn’t exactly welcoming.’

‘Wait. Despite what?’

‘Well, Mum never liked him. He was—she never went into too much detail, but I know he was a creep. They hadn’t talked since they were teenagers. So, when Nic turned up, she wasn’t happy, but she couldn’t exactly kick her out either. She didn’t have anywhere else to go.’

Shit. Poor Nic. She was only ten. Can’t blame her for still loving her dad. Losing me, losing him, then to be treated like shit by her remaining family.

‘What else? What happened then?’

‘And then it all went to fuuuck.’ He laughs but there’s nothing happy in it.

‘Tell me.’

He sighs. ‘I have an older brother. Damien. He’s adopted.

Real evil, fucked-up piece of shit. Reason my parents split.

’ He shakes his head. ‘He was the only one who liked Nic, and vice versa. They kind of gravitated towards each other. Both kind of moody, bit dark. It was fine at first. Nic was a kid, Damien was only, what, fourteen?’

The rest of the forest, the shouts from the paintballers, the birds in the trees, I tune it out as I hang onto Tommy’s every word. The need to know everything is all-consuming, like I’m finding the missing pieces to my puzzle and becoming whole again.

‘But then it got fucked up. I mean, I was only a kid. Didn’t understand much. Damien was a fuck to me too. I stayed away as much as I could, away from Nic too. She wasn’t so bad, just a little lead on, I think.

‘Damien’s room was in the basement. Well, not really. He had a bedroom upstairs too, but he preferred the basement. No one was allowed to go down there apart from Nic. He kept it locked when he wasn’t around, like when he was here at uni.’

‘What was in there?’

‘Nothing. He just liked keeping stuff all secretive. Got off on it.’

He shifts forward, resting his elbows on his knees, looking pensive.

‘He was big into drugs. Taking and dealing. Got Nic hooked too from a super young age.’

‘You’re kidding!’

I think of her coked up at the Vaults. God, how long has she been taking that stuff? Is she an addict or something?

Tommy shakes his head. ‘Things got really bad. Mum used to go off on him a lot, when he was younger, before he started hitting her too, saying how he was like her brother, Nic’s dad.

How her and Damien were just two peas in a pod.

Thing is, Tilda, I didn’t care. Was relieved, to be honest. If he was on her, he was away from me.

I know Mum felt the same. So, we just let it go on.

I suppose, as a kid, I can’t be blamed too much, but now I’m older—well, it’s why I’m estranged from them all, why I don’t—’

‘Tommy, stop. Let what go on?’

He sighs, rocking forward. ‘He didn’t just make her take drugs. He made her do other stuff too. To him. You know…sexual stuff.’

I stare at him, his words ceasing the breath in my lungs. ‘What? Tommy, no.’

He nods glumly. ‘Told you it was fucked. Don’t know how long it all went on for.

But I know he…did that . Mum screamed at him one time.

Nic was out the house somewhere. But she was saying how she needs to go to the doctor, check for pregnancy or something, I dunno.

And how, if the fucker was still alive—Nic’s dad—she’d be asking for a paternity test because he’s so like him.

Obviously, they weren’t related or anything, but…

Basically that’s when I knew what they were doing down in the basement.

And what the drugs were for. Because it was obvious Nic wasn’t into it.

’ He blows out a breath. ‘Fuck, I remember her being so out of it all the time. Just spacey, staring at nothing. Like she’d completely checked out.

And yet at school, she was still excelling at everything. ’

He stops when his voice catches, rubbing his lips along his clasped hands.

I stand up, eyes blurred over the heads of the paintballers. None of this can be true. Please. God, I want to—scream, hit something. Find Nic and hold her to me and never let go.

I sit back down, blood thrumming so hard I vibrate. ‘Go on.’

He shows his palms. ‘That was it, really. He went to uni, so it was all happening less. Gave her some breathing room to get her shit together, make a plan, because when she was sixteen, she just took off. To college, I guess. Her dad’s money wouldn’t have come in for another two years, so dunno how she lived, but I didn’t see her again until now. ’

‘…God.’

‘Yeah. Bet you regret asking now.’

I shake my head, struggling to process. ‘Thanks Tommy. I didn’t know it was going to be that bad. Sorry for making you talk about it.’

‘No, it’s fine. I probably don’t talk about it enough.’ He stares off, gaze faraway.

My heart goes out to him. Probably wasn’t easy for him either. Being bullied by his older brother, living with the guilt of everything he turned a blind eye to. He probably blames himself like I do.

I rest my head on his shoulder, feeling shit for us both. ‘You’re alright, you are.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ I straighten up when the instructor calls for us all to regroup. We stay where we are, like we’re not part of that scene anymore. ‘So, you don’t talk to any of them? Your family?’

‘Only Joey now. Josephina. She was only nine when Nic left. Just a baby through it all. Literally the only thing that held us together back then. Even Damien loved her. Like, actually loved. Not just his fucked-up version with Nic. I still see her, just not at the house.’

‘That’s super brave of you, Tommy.’

‘Yeah. For all it’s worth now.’

‘You were a kid. None of it’s your fault. Is that why Nic’s weird with you?’

‘Probably. Didn’t know she was even here, but I guess she knew I was. I know it’s her who’s been fucking with me. Makes so much sense. Her and your two girlfriends.’

‘Are they still messing with you? I can make them stop.’

‘No, actually. Seems to have chilled out a bit.’

‘Good. Tell me if it starts up again and I’ll have a word. With Haz and Elly, anyway. Not much I can do about Nic.’

‘So, that’s my deal with her anyway. What’s yours?’

‘Wish I knew, Tommy. Maybe…ugh, I don’t know.’ I lift my mask now the round’s over, rubbing my eyes wearily.

I feel leaden. My God, I hadn’t been expecting all that. Nic…I wish I knew where she was. She’s holding all of this and it’s not healthy. It doesn’t need to be bad, not all of it. What we had was sacred and there’s no reason it can’t be reconsecrated.

Maybe that’s just my pity talking. She’d hate that. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to me. She wouldn’t want to be weakened by what I know about her.

Not that any of that makes her weak. She’s a fucking warrior. I just know how her mind works. Well, enough to know she wouldn’t want me knowing.

We get to our feet when the instructor gestures for us impatiently.

‘Hey, you wanna bail? Go grab a drink or something instead.’

‘Bit early for that, but I’m down.’

‘I meant a hot drink, idiot.’

Tommy smiles. ‘I dunno. I mean, yeah to bailing, but if Nic saw me with you…’

I scoff at the impossibility of that. ‘Believe me, if I’m around, she won’t be. Let’s dump this shit and get out of here.’

Because if I’m left alone right now, I know all I’m going to do is sob.