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OFF-LIMITS (BUT IT DOESN’T STOP ME THINKING ABOUT YOU)

I find myself randomly wondering about Dex. What he’s up to. If he’s still dating the girl he’s been with for a couple of years.

I’ve always felt this weird kind of jealousy ever since they got together, same as when he was engaged. Like I’d missed some delusional chance of being with him.

Not that it would make any sense. You just don’t go around dating your brother’s best friend. And there’s a big age gap, and he’s happy. Ugh, why can’t my pussy just behave and realize he’s off limits.

As far as I can remember, he was always dating someone, like a serial monogamist. Delaney or Brooklyn or the one I used to call Bobble Head. Which was mean in hindsight. But they were all these very attractive women who seemed to have their shit together. The exact opposite of me, an awkward little kid.

And Dex himself, like some sort of god. The way he can look at me and make him feel like I’m the only person in the room. The details he remembers that nobody else would give a second thought to. The little gifts he used to bring me back from his travels, some of which I’ve kept in a cherished box of trinkets in my room.

The complete opposite of my brother, who couldn’t even find the time to see me in my school play, or who would invite me to a concert when I was a teenager as a gift, and then turn around at the last minute and try to charge me for it.

But that’s all silly. It probably didn’t mean anything to Dex anyway, even though it meant a hell of a lot to me.

I get the sense that Dex would never tolerate behavior like Timmy’s. He’d never sleep in all day and laze around. He’d be off doing things, whether it be his mysterious job or just keeping himself busy—working out, working on his motorcycle, tinkering around with something, anything, to keep his mind busy. He has ambition, goals—always has.

Besides, I’m in a relationship myself. And I’m fine. No need to go and be some kind of home wrecker. Everything is fine-ish here, and I truly hope he’s doing well. It’s just some weird schoolgirl fantasy I have when it comes to him, and I need to leave well enough alone.

And maybe that’s what chosen family means. Maybe I love him, but in the way you might love an older sibling. Although, I don’t dream about my older siblings the way I dream about Dex.

Thank god. That would be really fucked up.