Page 8

6

GUNS, GUTS & GRINDR

T he Past

Paulo: Stop dating chefs.

Me: No.

Paulo: Stop dating chefs with tattoos.

Me: No! Good luck finding any haha.

Paulo: Stop dating chefs with tattoos on their faces.

Me: No!

Paulo: Stop dating chefs with tattoos of food on their faces.

Me: (Sigh) Fine.

The Present

I text my good friend Paulo some pictures and he replies instantly. We’re both fans of a good perv on the dating apps. He’ ll send me his from Grindr and Hinge from time to time, and I’ll send him Tinder and Bumble.

Paulo:

Nathan is cute, he’s my favorite.

Dan looks okay. He’s older. Need more info.

Why is Timmy wearing a human spine, and what is he doing with that gun?

And surfing instructor dude looks like he’s on drugs or something.

I laugh.

His comments make me zoom in on Timmy’s photos. Paulo has always been way more observant than me, his inner artist noticing the details that my own scattered brain glosses right over. I realize that the things I thought were branches are actually some kind of antlers, as well as something that looks like… I want to say, a spine that he’s wearing as a necklace? I guess that is kind of weird.

And then one where he’s pointing a gun out a window into what looks like a forest. I’m reminded that sometimes I can overlook things like this. I thought in the one with the gun he was just sitting at a window. I was distracted by the cute expression on his face, swiveled around to face the camera. He looks happy and free.

Me:

Oh man, I didn’t even notice the gun.

Paulo:

I figured. It didn’t seem like your kind of guy. Pro-gun, hunter, man of the wild.

Me:

Lol. I mean, I’m not getting Tarzan from this guy.

Paulo:

I wouldn’t be so sure. He’s wearing antlers and what I hope are animal bones. Dude .

I laugh and shake my head. It is a bit weird, but we all have our quirks. I guess I’ll just have a few questions for this guy.

Me:

What have you been up to, anyway? Any hot dates?

Paulo:

Oh, you know. Focusing on my art. Work. The odd fisting date.

Paulo always knows what to say to make me laugh. He has a warped sense of humor like me.

Me:

Don’t get your arm stuck up there!

Oh, by the way, totally unrelated, but guess who showed up on my ‘people you may know’ on Facebook?

Paulo:

Let me guess. Brian Smith?

Me:

LOL no, although he has shown up before.

I simultaneously laugh and shudder at the reminder of the finance exec whose office I walked into one day while he was watching porn. Gross!

Me:

Sarah Dinkle!

Paulo:

UGGHHH! Don’t even say her name.

I laugh again. Paulo and I met while we both worked at a hotel many years ago, and we ended up working together at another company a few years later. Our friendship is built on shared experiences and a lifetime of crazy work stories. I enjoy tormenting him by reminding him of psycho former bosses and weird situations.

We have the kind of friendship where once I helped him to catfish his ex after a traumatic breakup.

Me:

Oops! Sorry not sorry lol.

Paulo:

Bitch! Okay, I have to get back to work. Ttyl.

Me:

Byeee! Xo