Page 1

PROLOGUE

A Long Time Ago

I ’ve had crushes on older guys before. But nothing like this.

I mean, sure, I’ve liked boys in my year before—guys a little older than me, by six to eighteen months. When you’re younger, this age gap feels like a world of difference. But this… this is different. This isn’t just some boy I see at school, or some cute guy on a TV show. This is Dex, my brother’s best friend.

Dex is a whole man , not some boy still figuring out how to talk to girls. He’s confident, funny, adventurous and accomplished in a way that makes my heart race every time he comes around. And he’s engaged—happily engaged, apparently. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking about him.

And to say I’m crushing hard is an understatement. At least, a crush is what my mother calls it.

At first, I didn’t know what it was that I was feeling. I thought maybe he was just like a bonus big brother. The way he’s always laughed with me since I was little, spinning me around, or throwing me over his shoulder and pretending to drop me—on the surface, it’s all innocent fun. But, as I’ve grown older, it’s morphed into something else, for me. There’s nothing sisterly about the way my heart pounds when he touches me, or how I feel when he looks me in the eye with his own hazel- and gold-flecked aquamarine masterpieces. It’s something deeper, something… exciting and forbidden.

I can’t help it. When no one’s looking, I write our initials inside the drawer of my desk, tiny little ‘D+M’ in swirly hearts, or on the corner of my notebooks, like I’m casting some secret spell that’ll make him notice me in the way I want. But he’s too good, too decent, to ever cross that line, even though his tattoo-covered body says total bad boy and screams otherwise. I'd never been close to a guy with tattoos before Dex, and I like them.

He’s kind, but never creepy, like my mother warns me some guys can be. He treats me like his friend’s kid sister. When my brother ditches attending my school plays or dance concerts at the last minute, Dex still shows up. In my senior year, he even brought me flowers at the school play. But they’re not romantic, I know that. He just feels bad that my brother’s a douche canoe who always lets me down.

And I know that should be enough. More than enough. But it’s not.

I remember the first time I met his fiancée. She seemed… fine. Perfectly nice, even. Pretty. But the minute I saw her standing next to him, holding his hand, something inside me shriveled. I hated her. It wasn’t fair, I knew that, but she was the obstacle in the way of my schoolgirl daydreams. I’d never admit it to anyone—especially not Dex or my brother—but part of me wanted her to disappear. Just vanish, like in some magical movie where the princess finally gets the guy.

It doesn’t help that Dex is so different from any of the guys I know from school. He’s got this whole life outside of our small world. He’s not stuck in some boring job or routine. No, he’s always coming and going, doing who-knows-what for his secretive, adventurous career. It’s like he has all these layers I want to peel back and understand. While I’m stuck daydreaming in school, he’s living life, free and unbothered. I wonder what it’s like to be that grown-up, to have all those experiences.

Before Dex, I thought maybe I’d just marry my dad one day. Isn’t that what all little girls want at some point? It’s the only template for love I had—until he walked into my life. Now there’s someone else filling my head.

But that doesn’t stop me from being confused. One minute, I’m doodling ‘Dex’ in the margins of my notebook, and the next, I’m distracted by the cute guys at school. There’s Matthew in my math class with the dimples when he smiles, Brian in science with his shaggy hair, and Dylan in English, who looks like one of my favorite actors on TV. I mean, how can a girl focus with all that around her?

Still, Dex stands apart. He’s not just another teenage crush. He’s the one I secretly imagine when I think about the future, even though I know it’s impossible—he’s off-limits, too old, too engaged, too everything. But that doesn’t stop my feelings. It just adds to the thrill of it all, like some big, exciting secret I keep to myself. I dream of the impossible: that one day, someone like Dex—someone worldly and adventurous—will look at me the way I look at him.

Maybe it won’t be him. Maybe it’ll be someone else. But deep down, I’ll always know where that feeling came from. I’ll always remember the first guy who made my heart flutter in that impossible, forbidden way.

And one day I’ll find my own version of Dex.

Or at least, I hope I will.