Page 56 of Volatile King (The Kings of Wayward Academy #6)

He groaned when I bit down on his lower lip, and everything inside of me lit up, which angered me further. I hated myself for still wanting him…still loving him and being close to forgiving him. He made me feel weak, out of control, and like that girl who didn’t get to make choices all over again.

Nash kissed me with desperation. Silently begging me to open for him. Bitterly…I did.

“I hate you,” I said again when we finally broke away.

“God, how I know,” Nash said. “But I would do it all over again,” he admitted, and I snarled at him.

“Fuck you…let me go.”

“No.”

Blatantly ignoring my protests, he picked me up, holding me so I couldn’t wiggle out of his grip, and marched to his bed.

“No,” I growled, but my only way to fight now would be dirty. I wanted him to hear me, but I didn’t want it to be because I bit his ear off or kneed him in the balls. Actually…that second option seemed appealing.

He put me down and covered me with his body. This son of a bitch!

“Let me up,” I ordered.

“No,” he said again, but he didn’t raise his voice or make a sexual comment.

“I hate you. I hate you so much.”

Ivy was right. I spoke better when I was angry.

“I love you,” Nash said, and I stopped fighting. “I love you, and I’m sorry. But not about marrying you. I’d do it all over again. I’m sorry that...I didn’t tell you in Seattle first.”

I looked away, wanting to hold on to my anger. I wasn’t ready to forgive Nash yet. Something like this required more than a simple apology.

“Do you hate the thought of being married to me?”

It was the first time that I’d heard true insecurity in Nash’s voice. I turned back to stare into his blue eyes.

“No, but…not the point,” I said, pushing on his hands again.

This time, he let me go and rolled away. He lied there, staring up at the ceiling beside me. Sitting up, I swung my legs over the side of his bed and stood. I needed space to think, and pacing always helped. I finally spun and faced him.

Was all of this about beating your father? Did you use me, Nash? Am I just your golden ticket to freedom? You figured out who I was, so you won the prize?

I signed furiously, my hands shaking because I realized that I was more than angry or hurt. It bothered me that there was a possibility that I’d been played like a piece on Nash’s board. The unwitting princess shoved into the queen’s square to protect the king from an advancing army.

“No.”

Nash pushed himself up onto his hands and shook his head.

“No, that wasn’t it. I mean, yes, I can’t deny that your father has helped me a lot and that I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without his help.

But that wasn’t why I went to Italy. Even after knowing you were a Mikhailov, I didn’t think of you that way.

That name alone holds so much weight, you must know that. ”

I closed my eyes and gathered my thoughts. The words I wanted to say were floating around my mind like some game where they needed to be plucked out of the air and arranged to make any sense.

Then why? Why trap me? I don’t hate the idea of being married to you, but we’re not even out of school. How do we know this is what we want forever?

I brought my hands up to my chest.

What if a year from now you’re back to your fuck - everything - wearing - a - skirt ways? What if in five years we hate one another so much we can’t stand to be in the same room?

“First of all, I won’t do that, and secondly, I just…know that we will be fine.”

Like it’s that easy.

Nash stood, walking over to me.

“Ren, every scar I have is a map of where I’ve been torn apart. But when you look at me like I’m worth something, you sew those pieces back into place. Do you really think I’ll ever risk losing the only person who knows how to hold me together?”

He cupped my cheeks, and I felt myself being pulled back into his orbit. His gravity was impossible to fight. I should’ve stepped back and moved away. Stopped this. But I couldn’t.

“No, I didn’t use you to grow my power. No, I won’t cheat, I won’t leave, and I won’t let anyone tear this down. Not even you. This marriage is the only thing that feels real in my life.”

His lips brushed mine, and my desire flamed like dry kindling. Was he manipulating me? Was he just saying what he knew I wanted to hear? God, I hated that I couldn’t tell. Worse was that I wanted to believe every word.

“I don’t know…” I licked my lips. He needed to understand how I felt. “How to trust again.” I tapped the side of my head and then over my heart. “When Axel happened…”

I searched for the right word, struggling as emotion clogged my throat at the mention of his name.

“You felt helpless…out of control, and you never wanted to feel like that again,” Nash said.

Tears fell, dripping down my cheeks. I shivered as Nash licked the path and swallowed them down.

“Yes,” I said, the hurt and anger humming under my skin. I touched my chest again. “Axel stole from me…can never get back.”

Nash looked down before responding. “And I did the same thing.”

“Yes…but worse. I trusted you…I let…you in. You didn’t…trust me…and took…”

“Advantage,” Nash finished for me, and I nodded.

When he looked up, tears shimmered back at me.

“I was scared to lose you. Yeah, I admit it. Me…the man who doesn’t flinch at blood or bullets.

The man who swears he doesn’t get scared.

But the thought of you stepping back, looking at me like I wasn’t enough, saying you didn’t want me?

That would hollow me out in ways death never could.

Fuck, I would rather face down the barrel of a gun and pull the trigger myself than survive that. ”

“Why scared? This…me. You…know me.”

Grabbing my hand, Nash walked me back to the bed. He didn’t sit with me. Instead, he started pacing, like we were taking turns.

Nash took a deep breath and told me the story of how he and Mya had fallen in love.

I knew the general outline from what Liam had shared with me on the trail.

They were young and dumb, and Nash got her pregnant.

He kept moving and hardly took a breath as the words tumbled out.

There was no holding back the tears as he took me through his painful past.

He was visibly shaking when he spoke in detail about his early initiation.

In that moment, I was prepared to murder Lawrence, consequences be damned.

With his heartbreaking words, Nash had bared the darkest secret in his soul.

He hated himself and wished he’d died with Mya and their child.

After that, he’d stopped feeling altogether.

Nash bent over and put his hands on his knees. It had taken every ounce of his strength to trust me with the truth of what haunted him. When he looked up at me, I saw his scars as if they were my own.

“I’ve been seeing Mya’s ghost since your accident.

First at the hospital, then my club, and again the other night.

I never wanted anyone to know what I did…

was forced to do. I’d shoved it so far down that it helped me pretend that it never happened.

But it’s like my mind is forcing me to face it before I can move on. ”

The pain radiating from Nash spoke to me. My mum and Neal had deceived me, and even Eddie had played his part. It hurt, but at least it had all been done out of love to protect me. The trauma Lawrence caused Nash was…unimaginable. He was as sadistic as Owen, maybe more. It was too close to judge.

“When we were in Seattle,” he began, voice ragged. “I wanted you so bad. I wanted us, and I couldn’t see past the panic clawing at my chest. I had a burning need to make you mine. To lock down the one thing in this broken world that makes me feel whole again.”

The shadows of the room carved deep lines along his cheekbones as he walked over to his dresser.

Nash swiped something off the top and shoved it in his hoodie before prowling around like a caged animal trying to find a way out.

He was fighting emotions that no one, myself included, could help him defeat.

I stayed quiet and watched him closely. He needed to go at his own pace, and I respected that.

Suddenly, he walked over and kneeled in front of me.

“I was going to ask you to marry me,” he said.

Nash paused, his blue eyes swimming with so much emotion that they felt like whirlpools pulling me in to drown.

“I was going to give you the choice you deserved…the right to say, no. I gave my word when I signed the marriage contract with your father. I imagined finding the perfect place, telling you everything, putting a ring on your finger, and…instead…I fucked it all up. Then I freaked out and hurt you more. Halloween was supposed to be my chance to make some of it right, but then the accident happened. And now…now, I don’t know how to fix what I’ve done. ”

Nash grabbed my hands and squeezed like he needed the pressure and contact to anchor himself.

The words that followed didn’t matter as much as the way his voice trembled. For all of Nash’s bravado, for all the sharp barbs and crude jokes…this Nash, kneeling here, wasn’t the asshole or swagger he used as armor. This was the man I’d only ever glimpsed in fleeting moments.

“This is what I ask of you,” he said, like the weight of each word was heavy.

“Don’t fight this marriage. Don’t destroy what we have before I can prove it’s something worth fighting for.

Let me own what I’ve done and make better choices.

I’m a fucking wreck, Ren. A work in progress, bleeding at the seams. I will never be perfect.

I’ll probably always be the man who drives you insane and makes you want to kill me.

But…if you still don’t want to be married to me when we walk out of Wayward, when my father is in the ground, and you’re safe…

I’ll give you your freedom. No lies. No chains.

No manipulation. I’ll give you back the choice that should’ve been yours from the start. ”

My breath caught, sharp and uneven. He had given me a blade and dared me to cut him with it later.

Nash brought my hands to his lips and kissed my knuckles. His voice dropped, threaded with possession and something heartbreakingly tender.

“In my heart, you are mine. But I’ll do this because you choosing me means more than me forcing you.” Nash’s intense stare burned into me. “Please, Ren…give me a chance to make this right.”

My chest ached, and my lips trembled. “Yes.”

Nash’s eyes closed like that single word had pulled him back from a ledge.

Digging in his pocket, he handed me the fancy little jewelry box that had been sitting on his dresser.

I knew what I would find, and it was so tempting to open.

I could slip the ring on, see what he’d chosen just for me, and admire how it sparkled in the light.

Instead, I placed it back into his palm and closed his hand around it.

He stilled, his face showing the hurt of rejection.

“Give this…when I say…yes…forever.”

“Okay,” he whispered with a nod and a slight smile.

I barely had time to brace myself when his hands cupped my face and his lips crashed into mine. The force knocked me back onto the bed, his weight following, his kiss desperate and unrelenting.

This time, I didn’t fight him.

This time, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, tasting the vow that lived between us now. Nash was dark, imperfect, and annoying as hell, but I saw us like a Trivial Pursuit piece.

We were an odd little circle with nothing but gaps until the wedges dropped into place.

Myles was the blue wedge, calm and steady.

The one who made chaos feel like water instead of fire.

Blake was yellow, soft-bright, and unexpected, filling spaces I didn’t know were empty.

Theo was the purple wedge, clever and playful, always sliding into the cracks with answers to questions unasked.

Liam was green, sharp, and grounding. The one who kept me upright.

And Nash…Nash was a color not even in the game.

He was red, bold, and dangerous. The one that shouldn’t fit but somehow made the whole thing feel alive.

Alone, I was just a hollow circle, all sharp edges, and missing pieces. But with them…God, with them…I was whole in a way I didn’t believe possible.