Page 93 of Under Your Scars

She gives me a confused look. “Yes?”

I stand up and give Bethany a nod as I pass her to go back inside. I feel a string in my heart pulling me towards my angel, and my footsteps quicken until I’m practically sprinting to her room. Only once I’m at her door do I take a deep breath to try and relax, and then lightly knock before letting myself in.

She’s curled up under the comforter. An array of medications sit on the nightstand along with her favorite snacks. A trash can full of used tissues sits next to her bed.

Her soft brown eyes meet mine, and I crumble. Literally crumble to the floor at the edge of the bed and I’m ready to beg. Beg and plead until she forgives me. As I open my mouth to do just that, she stops me.

“Shut up,” she snaps. “Don’t say anything.”

I keep my mouth shut. She stares at me for a long time, and then her eyes go watery. “Will you sit with me?” she asks, and her voice sounds so broken and defeated it breaks my heart all over again.

“Yes,” I say back. It’s not even a question. I’ll never leave her side again if that’s what she wants. I grab a chair from the desk in the room and place it at her bedside, sitting on it backwards so I can use it to prop up my arms.

The second I settle into the chair, she burst out into loud, unhinged sobs that echo throughout the room. She’s not just crying—she’sweeping. My hands twitch uncomfortably, desperate to touch her, to bring her any comfort. But I can’t.

“Fuck, angel. Tell me what to do. Tell me what I can do to help.”

All she does is bury her face in her pillow and cry loudly like I’m not even there, and every second that passes feels like a white-hot serrated knife being plunged into my chest. I don’t even know where to begin to try and help her.

“Even though this is all your fault, you’re the only one I feel safe with.” She chuckles sarcastically to herself. “How fucked up is that? How fucked up is it that all I wanted when I got to the hospital was you? How fucked up is it that when I woke up, your jacket brought me comfort because it smelled like you? How fucked up is it that all I want right now is for you to hold me? To hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to be okay because we’re together now. I don’t even know who I am anymore.” She does that sarcastic laugh again. “I guess that was the point, though. Wasn’t it? You wanted to strip me down raw and make me forget what it’s like to exist without you.”

“No, Elena,” I plead, “I wanted you toloveme.”

She looks at me for a long time, and then completely lacking in emotion, she says, “I don’t think you know the first thing about love.”

She slumps back down to the fetal position on the bed. We sit like that for two hours, in complete silence. She’s staring off into the distance, picking a hole in the edge of the comforter. It’s a new nervous tick. She did it to the purple blanket I got for her at the hospital, too. The edges of it have three large holes from her fingers breaking apart the fabric.

“Christian?”

Her soft voice drives a dagger through my heart. I nod for her to continue, crossing my arms over my chest as if to shield myself from the painfully broken look she’s giving me.

“When my parents go home, I’m going with them. Please don’t follow me.”

“Don’t.” My words get caught in my throat. “Don’t ask me to make promises I can’t keep.”

“But you said you’d do anything for me,” she says, her voice emotionless as she rips out my heart. “I’m asking you to let me go.”

“I can’t.” I take a deep breath and make fists so tight it hurts. “You can ask me for anything else, Elena,anything else, and I’ll give it to you without hesitation. Don’t ask me to live without you. I won’t survive.”

“You survived before we met.”

“I had a fucking gun to my head!” I shout, causing her to sink into the covers. I growl to myself. “I had my finger on the fucking trigger. If you started screaming a femtosecond later, I would have already blown my brains out.” My voice cracks. “If I don’t have you, then I have nothing.I am nothing. So if that’s really what you want, angel,” I pull my gun from the back of my pants and hold it to my temple, “then let me pull the trigger this time.”

“Stop!” She sits up abruptly, shuddering in pain and holding her stomach from the fast movement. “Please, Christian, put it down.”

“Tell me you’ll stay.”

“Okay! Okay. I’ll stay.”

My mouth does that thing where it tries to form words but can’t, and I put the gun away. She sighs in relief, and I can no longer meet her eyes, because I can’t stand to watch her hate me.

When she falls asleep, I place a gentle kiss to her forehead, and leave the room.

If she won’t love me, maybe she’ll lovehim.

And the only thing I can do to prove my love now, is find Frank Valenti, and bring Elena his head.

CHAPTER 26