Page 90 of Under Your Scars

“What did you do to me?” I ask.

“What do you mean?”

I begin to cry. “What did you do to me, to make me so loyal, that I would let myself get raped and beaten to protect your secret?” I throw one of my pillows harshly at him. “What did you do?”

“You didn’t have to keep my secret. I would have understood if you told them to save yourself.Fuck, I was begging you to. Youchosenot to break. Youchoseto protect me. I don’t know why you did it, angel. But I know that I will never be worthy of that sacrifice, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

“You’d do anything for me, right?” I ask.

“Anything,” he says absolutely.

“Give it up,” I demand harshly, and he looks at me, confused and bewildered. “The Silencer. Let him go, right now. Today.”

He gives me a defeated look and I can see the refusal deep in his eyes. “It’s not that simple.”

“Then let me go instead,” I say, and then turn to face away from him, and pretend to fall asleep.

I hear him sigh, and then he painfully whispers, “Angel, I can’t do that either.”

CHAPTER 25

THE SILENCER

Elena’s ultimatum sits heavy in my gut like a rock.

Her parents come back into the room as I leave. I don’t stop walking until I’m outside at a safe distance away from the hospital doors to smoke. I put the stick between my teeth and light it up, trying to puff out the agony in my chest. I run my hands through my dirty hair.

I don’t even know where to begin to try and fix this, but I have to. My entire life depends on it. If I don’t have Elena, then I have no reason to exist.

I would do anything for her, even give up the Silencer; but it’s not a matter of my willingness to do it. I just don’t think it’s possible. How can I rid myself of an unhinged, psychopathic, murderous alter ego that’s ruled my life for the past two years? It’s not a switch I can just turn off when I want. When I get the bloodlust, I can hardly think about anything else.

The one thing that makeshimuncontrollable is Elena in danger, and Frank Valenti is still out there somewhere. I can’t make her a promise I can’t keep. There’s no way I can let go of the Silencer while he lives. It’s not possible.

It’s not possible.

It’s not possible.

It’s not fucking possible.

“What’s not possible?”

I stop my pacing and turn my head to find Elena’s mother, Bethany, standing a few feet away with a soft, motherly, warm smile on her face. I hadn’t realized I’d been speaking.

I blow out some smoke and then drop the cigarette to the floor and put it out with my boot.

“Nothing,” I say quickly. “Is Elena okay?”

She chuckles and smiles again. “Ellie is fine,” she assures me. “I came out here for you.”

“Me?” I ask, dumbfounded. “Why?”

She sighs. “Because you look like you’ve been through hell, and I wanted to make sure you were doing okay.”

Her concern seems genuine, and an unfamiliar emotion stabs me in the chest. It almost feels like motherly compassion. The first taste of it I’ve had in thirty years. “I’m fine.”

“Christian, I can smell a lie like a shark can smell blood in the water. You’re not fine, and I’d like you to talk to me.”

To give myself something to do other than stare at her blankly, I light another cigarette. “I’m not good at talking.”