Page 26

26

QUENTIN

A udrey called me on my way back from practice Monday, and I somehow navigated the conversation to never talk about Logan. We covered everything else, even how the Minnesota scout was coming to the game Friday. Mainly we chatted about our mom and how I’d cut her off for a few months.

Audrey was proud of me. She’d said it before, but hearing those words while talking about our mom was new. She was proud of me for sticking up for myself and giving my mom the chance to change. That pride warmed my chest all afternoon.

It faded as I walked into the house and immediately sensed Logan there. She sometimes studied at the kitchen table instead of the library when she wanted snacks nearby, typically on Mondays so she could head to the grocery store. We usually went together.

I’d thought of her broken face, the way she’d puffed out her chest in a fake bravado when she told me fine. I hated that I’d hurt her, but I had to. Between hockey and the way I’d snapped because of Gage… I wasn’t ready. Shame still consumed me for how I treated her about Gage. That was such an asshole move. I wasn’t that person anymore, but I still snapped. I could blame therapy, but that was cheap. I was self-sabotaging, something Audrey liked to point out I was great at.

The timing was shit and damn, my chest ached. I missed Logan and it hadn’t even been three days.

Soft laughter carried from the kitchen, and I closed my eyes, letting it settle over me. I loved that laugh. Her nose would scrunch, and her smile would stretch across her entire face. It was wild how much I missed her.

I wanted to tell her about the scout, about therapy, my mom, all of it. I was excited to see her reaction, but I’d lost that privilege when I upset her Saturday. She probably didn’t want to see me, but I was selfish, so I went into the kitchen to pretend to grab a snack.

I wasn’t hungry at all.

She wore her pink headphones, had three books spread on the table with colored stickie things around them. Her hair was in braids, her lips pink, and her shirt read Morally Gray Men Do It Better.

She laughed again at something on her screen, but then her gaze landed on me. It felt like a full punch to the chest. Her eyes widened for a second, but that was her only reaction. “Hi, Quentin,” she said, sliding her headphones down to her neck. “Did you have a good practice today?”

I nodded, dumbfounded at her cheery attitude. I’d prepared myself for ice, to have her glare at me or avoid me. This was… different. “Uh, yeah,” I said, gripping the back of my neck as my face heated. “Was class okay?”

She shrugged. “It was fine. This class is boring when we meet. I prefer the actual internship or working at the library, but it’s whatever.”

I couldn’t stop staring at her face. She was so fucking pretty and brilliant and kind. Why wasn’t she yelling at me? She cared for me. She said as much, but what if I was totally wrong?

Before J.D. told me about the scouts, I’d thought about working on myself to try this thing for real, but I even questioned that. Fuck, this whole no distraction wasn’t working at the fuck all. I was a mess.

“I’m heading to the grocery store soon if you want to tag along. Just created my spreadsheet of items to cook this week, and now that I got a little extra from tutoring, I want to make cookies.”

“Tag along?” I repeated, like a total idiot.

Her eyes clouded for a second before she smiled again. “Ah, you probably can’t. No worries. I’m fine going alone. Honestly, since Gage and I had closure, I’m not worried about him ambushing me at all.”

“That’s… good.”

“Mm.” She smiled again, her gaze moving along my face to my chest and back up. “Are you feeling ready for the first game Friday?”

I nodded, unable to take it anymore. “What’s going on? You’re being nice to me like nothing happened. I don’t understand.”

She blinked, her teeth coming down on her bottom lip. “Are we not friends? I’ve really enjoyed our friendship the last few months, Hawthorne. If I’m off-base, then tell me. I didn’t realize we were ending our friendship.”

“Oh.” My face heated again, blushing hard. That was her thing, not mine. Sweat beaded on my forehead. This was tough, and I had no idea why. “Yeah, I guess we are.”

“Okay. Are you a bad friend then? Do you need to learn how to be one?” She smirked. “I can make a spreadsheet for you. Must smile. Ask questions. Be less awkward. ”

“Why don’t you hate me though?” I gripped the back of the chair opposite her.

“Why would I hate you when you were honest with me?” She sighed and rubbed her temples, the first sign she was annoyed with me. “I’m getting the impression that you want me to be mean to you, to be an ass because you ended our arrangement early. I think you’re used to pushing people away because it’s easier and less messy than to work through feelings. You can’t do that to me.”

My throat prickled with emotion at her accurate statement. “I was mean to you about Gage. You should be pissed at me.”

“Are you referring to when you snapped at me? Dude, you apologized like three times. I’m not holding onto that.”

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I was just—I hate seeing you with Gage.”

“Oh.” She pursed her hips and ran her hand over a crack in the table. Her cheeks pinkened, but she exhaled before saying, “For the record, this is the same guy you told me to go back to.”

“Right.” I scrubbed a hand over my face, hating this conversation so much. It was messy. “It doesn’t matter?—”

“This does matter, but you said you don’t want distractions, and I think talking about feelings is a distraction for you.”

“I wish I was different for you,” I said softly, my voice cracking. “I’d be with you if I could.”

Her blush spread, and God, I missed it. It felt criminal to be this close to her, smell her peach perfume, and not touch her. My fingers legit twitched with need, but I couldn’t. Not anymore.

“That sentence does more harm than good, Quentin. I don’t wish you were different. I actually like who you are. You are in charge of your own choices. If you wanted to try this with me, for real, you would.” She shrugged and stared at the sink instead of me. “We can talk this out, but I have a feeling you want to keep this surface level.”

“Seems like there is an insult there.”

“Nope.” She stood and collected her stuff into a nice stack, still not looking at me.

Somehow, in the last five minutes, she went from cheery and collected to wanting to run away from me. Panic clawed at my throat. I didn’t want her mad at me, but I really didn’t want her hurting. Would being friends ease pain or cause more?

“Wait, Logan,” I said, reaching across and gently touching her forearm. Even with my fingers grazing her bare skin, electricity danced up my arm from our connection. She tensed, and I dropped my hand. “I don’t want to hurt you. That’s all I fucking want. Tell me how to do that, please, and I’ll do it.”

“I thought we could be friends,” she said, her voice smaller than before. Her soft brown eyes met mine, and they were so sad it gutted me. It was like she wore a mask and had hid everything the last ten minutes, but it was all there now for me to see and feel.

“But,” she continued, “I’m not sure I can do it. It hurts me to be around you because I want more. You do too, but you’re scared and finding every excuse in the book. You’re used to people leaving you, but I’m not them. I’m the most loyal person in the world. Yet, it’s easier for you to push me away. I understand why you do push people away, Quentin, but I need you to choose me, to choose the possibility of heartbreak because the reward might be the greatest thing in the world. I know the real you, all of you, and accept you exactly how you are. So asking me what I want, how I’m not hurt… well that’s impossible. Despite having my heart shattered earlier this year, it healed, and I’m stronger now. Falling for you was a risk, and I knew it’d hurt, but I did it anyway because love is unpredictable. I’ll support you as a distant friend, okay? That’s all I can do right now.”

With that, she grabbed her stuff and walked out of the kitchen, leaving me in complete disarray. My heart pummeled against my ribs, each beat painful as I fell onto the chair. She gutted me. I didn’t know what to do, but I had to distract myself from this overwhelming feeling of losing control. My mind spun as my pulse sped. She liked me for who I was—which, no one really did. They liked versions of me—the hockey guy, the asshole, the party guy. Logan liked me, and despite the rapid pace of my heart, my skin warmed. No.

That didn’t change anything. I scratched at my chest as the pang grew to the point it hurt. I had to do something physical to work this out. Anything. I bolted up from the chair.

I could work out…yeah. That’d help. I wouldn’t think about the way she said love was unpredictable…that didn’t mean she loved me, did it? I had no right to ask but fuck, I wanted to know.

Stop. I pulled the ends of my hair as the thoughts conflicted for dominance. I couldn’t be in this house, where her perfume lingered and memories assaulted me. The only escape was the ice.

Yes. Skating and hockey was the only way to avoid thinking about her, and if I distracted myself with that… then this achy pang in my chest would disappear.

Two days later, it was still there.

Liam required all of us to show up to study tables the Wednesday before our first game. Said it was bonding while he also reminded us about our team vision of being academic athletes. At this point, I was rarely home. I knew Logan’s favorite places to hang out, so I avoided those. Which meant I was never in our kitchen and never at the library.

Now I had to be here.

The second I walked in, my blood hummed with awareness. She was near. I felt like an intruder walking into her safe space, but if I kept my head down, maybe she wouldn’t see me.

“Hi, Quentin.”

I snapped my gaze to my right, where she stood with a bag slung on her shoulder and her hair in those damn braids. It was the shirt that caught my eye though. It was a Wolves hockey shirt, long-sleeved with stripes around the wrists. “Who gave you that shirt?” I barked out, imagining one of the guys swooping in.

“Jordan and I bought matching ones to wear to the game Friday,” she replied, her voice not displaying any hint of annoyance. “Maybe it was silly, but I figured I’d wear it today while I tutored the freshmen players. Show them I support the team.”

“Yeah, no.” I hated myself. Of course she’d do that. “That’s nice.”

She gave a half-smile and adjusted her weight from one foot to the other, clearly nervous. “Uh, so, I have a question, and I’m sorry to ask it. Please don’t…be mean about it.”

Fuck. My stomach bottomed out with the apprehension on her face. She assumed I’d be mean because that’s what I’d been since Friday. An ass to her. All because I couldn’t get my shit together. “What is it?” I asked, ensuring my voice was calm.

She frowned, the line denting between her brows. “The guys teased me about you last time. All in good fun, but they thought we were together . What should I say now? That we broke up?”

I ground my teeth together. I didn’t want them getting any ideas. If someone on the team wanted Logan, I would lose my entire fucking mind and not be okay with it. They didn’t know how precious and perfect she was. I did.

“I can say that we realized we’re better as friends? Or that we didn’t want to ruin the whole housemate thing and took a step back? I don’t want to ruin anything you have with your team. I’m sorry. I hate that I have to ask you.”

“Hey, don’t apologize.” I wanted to comfort her. Her cheeks were pink again, and she looked miserable. “I’m sure Liam would be okay if you skipped tonight.”

“Skip? No. I can’t do that. Wait, are you telling me you don’t want me here?” She sucked in a breath as her eyes widened. “I never thought about that, but that’s a possibility.”

“Honey—Logan,” I corrected, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, are you okay? You seem really upset.”

“I’m fine.” Her eyes watered, and she shrugged my hand off her. “I can talk to Liam and find another tutor for the team. I won’t leave them hanging today, but I’ll get a replacement.”

“Wait, no. No, don’t do that.”

“I can. It’s okay.” She stepped back, her gaze not meeting mine again. “Yeah, it’ll be better. I can find another tutoring job. There have to be more,” she mumbled, more to herself than me.

I felt helpless, and the ache in my chest tripled in size. Logan was not okay, and I was the cause. For me, the pain was deserved. After my second therapy appointment yesterday, it was clear that I enjoyed pain as company and chose to keep things in my life that brought me pain. It was comforting to choose it instead of the possibility of happiness because I knew the outcome.

“Logan, no.” My voice came out stronger. Instinct took over, and I chased her, taking her hand in mine and leading us to a more private space between bookshelves. Was it similar to the place where I got her off in the library? Yes.

“What are you doing?”

“Logan, honey.” I cupped her face, taking my time staring at every perfect feature. Her button nose, pillow lips, expressive brown eyes that were so pretty. The pang that had lived in my chest settled when I was near her, breathing her in. “Please don’t quit tutoring the team. If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll leave.”

She swallowed, her lips parting as her breath was uneven. “Are you sure?”

“Very sure. The guys love how you work with them, and I know you enjoy it. Promise me you won’t quit because of me.”

“Okay.”

Our lips were a few inches apart, her breath hitting my face and reminding me how damn close we were. I could lean forward, brush our lips together. I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to. Maybe…

She placed a hand on my chest and put slight pressure, causing me to step back immediately. Her eyes held mine, pulling me in as she opened her mouth, then she closed it. The air was charged between us, thick with unsaid things.

Why couldn’t I be with her? Oh yeah. Hockey and pain. I still hadn’t let myself think about everything

“I have no right to ask this, but it’s been really on my mind,” she said, her voice filled with angst. “Um, I saw you and this girl yesterday. Are you…is the no distractions just about me or all girls?”

My heart cracked in two. My perfect girl thought I was seeing someone else. I almost laughed, but I knew it wasn’t the time. Hell, I knew how she felt. Seeing her with Gage made me murderous. Thinking a guy bought her the hockey shirt also made me crazy.

“Baby, no, no, no.” I closed the distance between us again and cupped her face again. “I swear to you, I haven’t even looked at someone else since you came into my life. Even though I know I shouldn’t, I still think about you all the damn time. It’s just you.” I rubbed my thumb over her bottom lip, groaning at how plump and moist it was. “Only you, Logan.”

Fuck it. I kissed her, using that instead of the words I wanted to say. I love you. I wish I deserved you.

She kissed me back, gripping my shirt and yanking me closer. She moaned in my mouth, our tongues and teeth clashing as heat built between us. But as soon as it started, it stopped.

“No.” She jumped back, wiping the back of her mouth on her forearm. “I can’t do this. I want it all. Not small parts of you.”

“Logan…” I pleaded.

“All or nothing.” She sniffed and steeled her posture, meeting my gaze with a fierce determination that was half-sexy, half-scary. “When you make up your mind, I’ll be ready, but Hawthorne, I’m not waiting around forever for you.”

With that, she walked by me, leaving her addicting perfume surrounding me, reminding me yet again that I chose this path of suffering without her. I leaned against the shelf for support, hating the fact I kept choosing the option that brought me the least amount of happiness.

I knew who I needed to call. If anyone had advice on distractions and finding joy in chaos, it was my sister’s fiancé. Theo would know what to do. After leaving the library determined to figure this out, I went to my room, shut the door, and dialed his number.

Nerves plucked at me, a flurry of what-ifs plaguing my mind. What if he doesn’t answer? What if he thinks I’m crazy? What if he thinks I’m an idiot? What if he’s busy?

“What up, Q?” he answered, ending that train of thought.

“Hey,” I said, clearing my throat. The questions I had disappeared, the shame of calling him taking over.

“You calling to say hi or something on your mind?”

“How is it you always know what to say?” I laughed, but not because it was funny. It was more disbelief. This guy was a mind reader.

“You have never once called me.” He snorted, and something clinked on metal, like a set of keys. “I’m leaving the gym now, heading back to the apartment. You want to wait until I’m around your sister?”

“No, this is for you.” I ran my free hand through my hair, gripping it hard. “It’s about when you were here, playing hockey and dealing with school and dating Audrey. How did you balance it along with your family? I just…all I have is hockey. It’s my escape, my future. I will never ask for a penny from your or Audrey again, but without a contract, I don’t have anything.”

“It might feel that way. I get it.” He sighed for a second before continuing, “But it’s not true. You’re a fighter, so you’d find something else. But let me ask you something. Besides hockey, what makes you happy? Don’t think, just answer.”

“Logan.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I’m worried she’s a distraction. Her ex talked to her, and I snapped. I was an ass.” My face heated, even now from talking to her that way.

He hissed. “Can you expand on why?”

“He touched her, and she smiled. She looked relaxed when talking to him, where she tensed around me. Seeing them together hurt me. I imagined them together, and the pain fucking shocked me. Plus, I just came from my first therapy session and was raw as fuck.”

“Yeah, it tends to do that to you.” His voice softened. “You basically wanted to protect yourself so you immediately did what you could to make her mad at you.”

“God.” I scrubbed a hand over my face. “That’s annoying.”

“It’s also true. So you’re ending things now, on your terms, before it can hurt you?”

“It already hurts,” I mumbled. “Logan’s in my head all the time, with or without us being together. What if she affects my play? What if I try it with her, then don’t make it to the NHL? What if I blame her?”

“I mean this so respectfully, but you can’t play in the NHL if you don’t have mental resilience and the ability to compartmentalize. I’d say you do that really well. You played with me last year, and I broke your foot. You can have both things. Secondly, you’d never blame her for it. You’ve grown so much the last year. Freshman year? Yeah. You’d blame everyone but yourself, but you’re not that guy anymore.”

“What if I am?”

“Nah, you’re not though. None of us are the same people we were. We grow. Change. Morph. Now, answer this question for me. If you were done with hockey tomorrow, what would you do?”

“Figure out what I liked, make plans around it.” I swallowed, nerves getting the best of me. “Spend every second with Logan, see how I could help her. Visit you and Audrey.” I paced my room, walking the short path between my bed and door. “I think…I might be afraid.”

“No shit. It’s hard, but when you know, you know.” Theo’s voice quieted, like he was being gentler. “You’ve gone through a lot, but you’ve grown up a ton, and it’s fucking awesome. I love this new, grown-up Quentin. I wish I could play with you again. Hockey is in your blood, but you know more than anyone you’re one injury away from that being taken away from you. So if you correlate your only source of happiness around it…”

“I can’t. I get it.” I swallowed the emotion in my voice. “So much sacrifice went to getting me here. My parents, Audrey… if I don’t make it, then everything was for nothing. That weighs on me constantly.”

“No. Fuck that. You make it for you . No one else. You don’t owe anyone—including your sister—a thing. There is so much out of your control besides playing your heart out and leaving it all on the ice. But, brother, having someone like Logan in your life will only help. I cannot tell you how much my play improved once I was with your sister. I knew if I had a great game, she’d be there. Or if I sucked, she’d be there. You’ve been this lone wolf for too long. Let Logan in.”

“Thank you.” My voice almost cracked. “It’s easier to push her away, and I focused on that instead of the possibilities.”

“Face it, dude. You’re not alone anymore. And I’ve seen you with Logan. You are down bad. It’s precious.”

“Shut up.” I snorted, relieved the subject was less heavy.

“Nah, I’m for real, but any time you get in your head like this, call me. This damn sport is just as much mental as it is physical, and we can prepare our bodies all we want, but the mental aspect is tough. We have a wellness coach here who you would love. Someday, it’ll happen. I have a feeling. Now, fix your shit with Logan. She’s a one-of-a-kind girl, alright?”

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “Thanks, Theo.”

“Of course. We’re family. That’s what we do. Oh, Audrey is calling, I gotta go. Love you.”

He hung up, his casual use of love you causing a weird sensation in my chest. The dude meant it, no doubt, and I wish I could show him how much he meant to me. I didn’t deserve to have an older brother, but he’d become one, and one thing was clear.

I was getting Logan back. I’d want her with or without hockey, and I had to show her I was all in.