Page 34 of Two Guys One Puck (Gods Versus Monsters Hockey #2)
THIRTY-FOUR
KTYTOR
I know I’m an asshole, but right now, I feel more like an idiot. None of this was ever supposed to happen. The error in judgment is going to weigh on me for a long time. How could I take such a risk and let it get to a place where I know it will affect my game and the lives of my family?
“Fuck.”
I must rip off the plaster. This was never meant to be, and I was stupid for thinking of a future in it.
“Can you fucking stop?” Seaborn jogs up behind me.I didn’t expect him to follow.
My brain is a tangle of both languages, which makes arguing with him impossible. I grunt and keep walking, but he grabs my shoulder.
I spin around and throw off his hand. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
“I wasn’t going to do anything.”
I clench my hands into fists, exhaling. I never let my rage build this way on the ice. Or anywhere. Why the fuck does he get to me like this?
“I don’t want you to leave,” Seaborn says when I don’t speak.
“That’s not the fucking point,” I finally manage.
“Then what is the point?” His emotions are written on his face, and I know he feels bad.
“I know what you are, and there is no point in trying to change it.” My chest is already shattered into pieces. There is no point dragging it out.
“What does that even mean?”
“Everyone’s heard how you are. I can’t let myself get involved and be devastated again.”
“Are you kidding me? I can be faithful. That’s horseshit.” He reaches for me, and I step back.
“Don’t touch me.” I growl.
He drops his hands.
“Is more than that.”
“More than what?” he asks, clearly not seeing it.
I can’t answer him because if I do, he’ll just argue and fight me, and we’ll continue the pain. “You are who you are. You won’t change that, and I won’t ask you to.”
“You’re not asking me to. I want to be with you.”
“Be with me? There is no be with me. Just go back in there and fuck that girl. Be who you are. Stop pretending this was anything more than a fucking fling,” I say, hating myself as I do. But I need to push him away. It will be easier in the long run.
“I don’t want that fucking girl or any other. I want you.” He’s getting louder, and every word is like a dagger to my chest. I want them, but I know I can’t have them. “I’ve wanted you for a year.”
“Shut up. Someone will fucking hear you.” But that’s not what the problem is. I can’t handle them. I can’t fucking take another fucking word because I know I’ll give in.
“Who cares? We both have shit to lose, but this matters to me.”
“I can’t do it. But more than that, I don’t want to do it.
I can’t fucking handle this game. Watching you do that.
” I point towards his house our future so clear in my head.
Us both in different cities and him doing that night after night while I’m alone.
“We are signing up for a fucking lifetime of that, and I can’t do it. I’ll fucking kill you.”
“I can do better.” Sadness aches in Ronan’s eyes.
“To what end? To be a fucking secret? We will always be chasing moments. Very few fucking moments. You’ll be over it ten minutes after you fuck someone else.” I harden my words. “I don’t want that, and I’m not waiting around for you to realize you don’t want it either.”
I stalk off before he can say anything else, leaving him to go back to those girls.
I can’t love him. I can’t let myself keep feeling, so he has to go back to those women, or I won’t be able to handle it.
I get back to the hotel and tell Happy I don’t want to speak.
I lay in my bed and but can’t sleep.
Every minute that ticks by haunts me. Who has he taken to bed?
Who is he touching? Who is getting those things I fucking want from him?
More than I’m mad at him, I’m mad at myself for blowing it the fuck up.
And I’m mad that I want to blow up my fucking career and my family’s safety for stupid fucking selfish reasons.
So I can what? Have a boyfriend that probably won’t last?
Because I fell in love with a guy I fucking hate like an idiot.
I’m barely holding myself back from going there.
There is a text waiting for me in the morning.
Seaborn: I want to see you after the game.
Ktytor: No.
Seaborn: This isn’t over.
Ktytor: If you think you ever were in control of this, you’re mistaken.
Seaborn: I know you want me and I’m going to take what I want.
I shouldn’t be hard reading his fucking message.
What is wrong with me?
Ktytor: You can fucking try on the ice. But I’m going to make you my bitch.
Seaborn: I’m not fighting you on the ice.
Ktytor: Yes you will.
Ktytor: You couldn’t stop yourself before and now I know you even better, princess.
Seaborn: If you fight me, you’ll end up fucking me.
He’s right, but I can’t tell him that.
Ktytor: You don’t get to me like I get to you.
Another lie, but hopefully, it’ll work.