Page 24 of Totally Played (Love In Play #5)

Chapter twenty-one

Calvin

My night with Ashley was amazing. Perfect.

Intense and fucking glorious. Then I opened my eyes the next morning and saw him sleeping so peacefully, I didn’t have the heart to wake him.

I also was a giant chickenshit and didn’t know how to have the morning-after conversation.

I haven’t been in a relationship in forever, and this is all so new to me that I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing and he’ll think I’ve changed my mind.

In reality, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk away from this man, and that thought scares me more than anything.

So I left quietly and headed home for a shower before meeting the team for our flight.

I was going to call him once we settled into the hotel, but the coach told us on the bus there that he’s planned some meet and greet for us at a community youth center for at-risk teens. No way would Ash want me to skip out on that, so I’ll call him after.

***

The meet and greet was fun. At the very least, it distracted me from my thoughts for an hour and a half, but the whole bus ride back, all I can think of is Ash.

Tony pulls me aside when I step off the bus with the rest of the guys back at the hotel.

“You’ve been quieter than usual. Everything okay?” he asks.

I nod, because my mind is swirling with thoughts of Ash and what I’m going to say to him.

“Do you want to go grab a bite to eat?”

“Sure, I guess.”

He grabs my arm and pulls me to the side, away from the others. A few guys glance our way but don’t pay us much more attention than that.

“Something is wrong, so just spill already. Is it Ashley? Did he do something?” he asks, his jaw going tight.

“No, nothing like that. It was me.”

“What did you do?”

“I just got in my head after…”

He releases my arm as realization spreads across his face.

“So you two… and then you got in your head, how?”

“I sort of left before he woke up and then we flew here, soooo…”

“Dude.” He chuckles, and I groan.

“I know. I suck.”

“What were you worried about?”

“I don’t really even know. I was fine with everything.

I am fine with everything. Maybe that’s the issue, though.

I still don’t feel like I’m gay, or bi, or queer.

None of those labels feel right to me, and I guess I’m worried if I can’t figure that out, I’ll mess it all up with him, and then I’ll never feel like this again. ”

“That good, hey?” Tony asks with a wink and a smirk.

“I’m not talking to you about sex.”

He scoffs. “Fine, but for the other stuff, just give yourself time. If Ash really likes you, he’s not going to be scared off by a little cold feet after your first time. It was your first time, wasn’t it? Like, there wasn’t some college tryst you never told me about, was there?”

“Would I have come to you to ask about all this if there was?”

He shrugs. “I guess not.”

“What if I have messed everything up already?” I ask, and he glances past me, the smirk on his lips growing.

“I don’t think you have to worry about that,” he says and nods to someone behind me. I turn, and at first, I’m not sure exactly if I’m seeing things. But there is Ash, standing with a suitcase in hand, and a big nervous smile on his lips.

No way is this happening. No way did Ash fly halfway across the country for me. This is the stuff that only happens in movies, not to real people. Did I fall asleep on the bus?

Tony gets in my ear.

“Go get your man,” he whispers, and my heart is hammering in my chest as I walk toward him.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, and he glances around like he’s not sure if he can talk freely, like he’s worried about people watching us.

“I didn’t like how we left things, so I thought we could go to dinner and talk about it,” he says, and I glance over my shoulder at Tony, who’s waiting by the hotel doors.

“You go. I’ll order room service and see you after,” he says, stepping forward and reaching for Ash’s suitcase.

“I’ll take this, too, room three-two-seven, when you’re done.”

“Thanks,” Ash says, handing it over. “I made a reservation just down the road.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, you didn’t think I would just show up here without a plan, did you?

” He laughs, and we walk along the path together, the tiny lights of the city across the bay twinkling in the distance brighter than the stars above us, but not as pretty.

The air is cooler than back in Savannah, but not so cold that I need a jacket, and I’m really glad Ash isn’t wearing his.

He is, however, wearing a midnight blue corset with a black button-up shirt, and it’s hugging him tightly in all the right places.

“I guess I didn’t know what to think. That’s the problem,” I say, my heart racing like a jackhammer.

“About me?”

Wait, no, he doesn’t think that, does he?

“No, about me. About what this…being with you means about me?”

“I would love to think it means you have stunning taste in men.” He chuckles, and I can’t help but smile.

I hate that he thinks I was second-guessing him, what we had together, the night we just shared.

All of that was incredible. Perfect, even.

It was the way I saw myself that changed.

I didn’t recognize the man who looked back at me in the mirror, and I felt like I needed to know who I was if what I have with Ash was going to last, and fuck, I wanted it to last.

“Up until you, I thought I had pretty good taste with women, too,” I reasoned.

“And you’re worried you don’t know who you are anymore?”

I stop walking, and he turns to face me.

“That’s exactly it. It’s silly, I know—”

“No, it’s not. It’s completely normal to be confused when you’ve never questioned your sexuality before. I get that,” he replies, leading me over to a lush grassy hill and sitting down. I sit beside him, and he lies back, propping his head on his hands.

“Believe it or not, I wasn’t always this sure of myself.”

“Really?” I ask, lying on the grass beside him and looking up at the glittery sky. His musky scent sweeps over me on the cool breeze, and I take a deep breath of him, letting it fill me in hopes it helps to settle the nervous churn in my gut.

“Yeah, I mean, there was a time, in high school, I wasn’t sure about myself. I don’t think I really came to the conclusion that I was actually gay until college.”

“But you did come to that conclusion. What if I never know where I fit?”

He tilts my chin to look at him.

“You fit right here,” he says, laying a hand over his heart, and my chest swells.

Is he right? Does it matter if I don’t know what label defines me if I know that being with him is what feels right?

Maybe I don’t need to worry about what label to give myself, or if there even is one that feels like it fits me, all that matters is how I feel about him, and I can’t imagine ever wanting to lose this.

He rolls back, and we lie there watching the stars. He points up at a section of sky.

“That’s the Big Dipper,” he says, and I try to follow where he’s pointing, but I have zero clue about astrology, if that’s what it’s called.

“Cool. Do you know any others?”

“Yeah, see over there, where that super bright star is shining?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s part of Perseus and Andromeda. See, they were lovers. Andromeda was going to be sacrificed to a sea monster, and Perseus rescued her on his flying horse.”

“A Pegasus?”

“Yeah, that thing. He flew down, killed the monster, and they were married, and to like celebrate their love and reward them, they were immortalized in the stars to live side by side, forever.”

“That’s a pretty shitty reward.” I laugh, and he lowers his arm and turns his head to face me.

“How is it?”

“They fight off a sea monster, fall in love, get married, and instead of getting to live their lives together with their Pegasus, they’re turned into stars that get to shine side by side.

Stars don’t even have arms, they can’t even hold hands, or kiss, or do any of the things they probably would have chosen to do if anyone asked them. I bet no one asked them.

He shakes his head. “So you’d give up eternity in the stars with the person you loved?”

“Yeah, I would give up eternity tortured by being so close to the one I love that I can see them but not touch them. I’d give that up in a heartbeat to be able to hold them, kiss them, experience all the human things with them, even if only for a short while.”

“I like the way you think.”

“I like the way you smell. What is that?”

He shrugs.

“It’s actually three things: deodorant, cologne, and body spray. I didn’t want to smell like an airplane when I saw you.

“Well, whatever they are, they’re delicious.”

“Calvin, is that you or is it Tony?” a woman’s voice asks, and I turn my head to find Brittany Fox, an ex of mine, walking with a guy about the same age toward us. I climb to my feet and brush off the back of my pants. Like seriously, what are the odds of running into anyone I know out here?

“Brit, hey, yeah, it’s me, Calvin. What are you doing here?”

“I live here now. I got a job at the hospital, and moved out here last spring.”

“How are you?” I ask, and she gives me a hug, kissing my cheek before introducing her friend.

“I’m good. This is Charles. Charles, this is Calvin. He and I go way back.”

“Hey, man, you’re one of the baseball players, right?” he asks, and I smile and nod, then look back, happy to find Ash right there behind me. I reach back and grab his hand.

“This is Ash,” I say, pulling him to my side. “He’s my boyfriend. Ash, this is Brit. She and I dated a long time ago.”

“Hi, Ash, lovely to meet you,” she says, shaking his hand warmly.

Charles is looking at me a little funny but doesn’t say anything, and to be honest, it felt really good to introduce Ash as my boyfriend.

Not weird at all. Nothing like thinking about finding a name for what I am now.

I laugh and then shake my head when I gain quizzical looks from them all.

“Sorry, I just had a funny thought. Actually, we should be going. We have a reservation,” I say, hugging her again with one arm, not willing to release Ash’s hand now that I have it in mine.

“We’ll be going to the game tomorrow, so we might see you there. Oh, and good luck, I hope you thrash your brother.”

“Ha, me, too,” I reply, and we continue on our way for a few yards when Ash squeezes my hand.

“So are you going to tell me what was so funny back there?” he asks.

“I was just thinking I had worked myself into a frenzy trying to uncover what label fit me, and it just hit me then.”

“What did?”

“Boyfriend. That’s the one that feels right. Feels like me. I’m your boyfriend, and you’re my boyfriend.”

He pulls me into him and kisses me softly and sweetly.

“I loved hearing you introduce me as your boyfriend. That’s sort of why I wanted to come here, to tell you how I feel, because you left before we could talk properly.”

He rubs the back of his neck with one hand.

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

“No, you don’t have to apologise I get it. What we are is so new for you, and I guess, I just wanted you to know that we can take this as slowly as you like. I have to admit, it was pretty freaking hot watching you copy everything I was doing.”

“It was, was it?”

“So hot.”

“Good. Because I anticipate there will be lots more nights like those in our future. But not tonight.”

“Why not tonight?” he pouts.

“Because I’m sharing a room with my brother.”

“Oh, umm, I have a suite at the same hotel.” Of course he does.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, Red took care of it. I have to leave when you do to meet up with Jennifer in Montana, but until then. I’m all yours.”

“You’ve got a good best friend there,” I say, and he nods, then loops his arm around my back.

“So, where is this place?” I ask, and he points up ahead to the glowing orange neon sign that says “Sports Bar.”

“I thought we were having dinner?”

“We are. They’ve got a giant Snickers with your name on it.”