Page 19 of Total Assist (For Puck’s Sake #13)

DASAN

It doesn’t take me long to correlate my distracted behavior with Shively’s insecurities. In his presence, which includes hockey, I make sure I’m more focused than a fucking lion hunting his prey.

That doesn’t mean I’m less distracted, though. It just means I’m getting better at hiding it.

What I wasn’t at all prepared for was Shively’s insecurities about his body.

I’m not going to lie. Our coach is fucking hot.

I’ve thought so since I was traded to Winnipeg.

Hence the reason he’s always been spank bank fodder, though not one I indulged in often because that’s disrespectful as fuck.

He is my coach, after all. But nonetheless, he’s hot as fuck and everyone knows that.

We’re working on his body issues. I’ve put into place that every single morning, Shively needs to tell me one thing he likes about his body and one thing he doesn’t like.

Then I tell him one thing I love about his body.

From there, we discuss how he can work on that insecurity throughout the day, so when we check in later that evening, perhaps he’s a little less self-conscious about it.

We’re also working on his dick concerns. Honestly, I’m horrified that he thinks his dick is lacking in any way. He’s fucking gorgeous, every goddamn inch of him, and that includes all the inches of his cock.

Now I make sure his cock gets a whole lot of worship every single time we’re together. First, second, ending the night—whenever. As long as it happens.

However, all of this still leaves me feeling like he’s not getting everything he needs from me. I need help. I need someone to talk to. But I don’t know who.

The thought occurred to me that maybe I should talk to Ren. I’ve poked at Felton a few times, asking questions that don’t inherently sound like I’m pushing for personal information regarding his relationship with Ren. That’s not truly what I’m after.

I’m simply wondering if he’s the kind of dom that I can talk to.

Felton’s here before Willits by design today. We’re sitting on the couch watching Detroit and Columbus play. The game doesn’t begin for another hour, which is closer to when Willits will arrive. Right now, it’s just Sports Spot covering other games and other sports. Like those sports matter. Pfft.

“What’s Ren up to today?” I ask.

Felton shrugs. “I think he’s hanging out with his friends.”

“Denny and Zenia?”

He nods. “And Carson and Kroy.”

Those aren’t names I’m familiar with. “And they are?”

His eyes meet mine, and he looks amused. “His friends.”

“You mean he has friends outside of hockey?” I ask, horrified.

Felton grins. “Yeah. All five of them are good friends.”

“That’s cool. How’s the new agent treating you?” I ask.

His eyebrows knit together. “They’re great. Why?”

“Easy,” I say, patting his leg. “I’m just asking. I know you went through some shit with the last one.”

Felton sighs. “Ren takes care of that stuff,” he says quietly, looking away. “I don’t understand it, and I trust that he’s going to take better care of it than I can.”

“Hey.” A minute passes before he’s willing to meet my eyes again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset about it.

I really was just asking. I hear about a lot of people who are working with Rigo at Pride Sports.

Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of any other names from Pride.

I was beginning to think he’s a one-man show. That’s all.”

Wow. I’ve seriously put a foot in my mouth as I try to pry. That’s what I get for being a nosy bitch.

He nods. “Okay. So far, Ren really likes her. Lilianna’s nice and explains things clearly. Ren makes sure all my contracts go through his contract lawyers, so I’m not being taken advantage of again.”

“Good. I’m very glad to hear that.”

Felton gives me a smile, but I still feel like an ass. “Okay, look. I have a question that I’ve been trying to beat around the bush about for a while, and I’m just going to ask because that attempt at subtly finding out made you feel like shit and I’m sorry.”

His expression turns amused. “Why didn’t you just ask to begin with?”

“Because it’s kind of personal, and I don’t want you to think I’m… invading your privacy or something. On that note, feel free to tell me to mind my own fucking business, okay?”

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah.”

“The other day—a while ago now—I mentioned the dom/sub lifestyle. Remember? When we were doing yoga?”

Felton nods.

“You said that you and Ren kind of have that relationship.”

He nods again.

He’s not at all throwing me a line here. “Will you tell me about it? Nothing deeply personal, of course. Just… like…” What am I even asking here? “Highlights? Structure? How it works for you?”

Felton stares at me for a minute. “Okay. Well…” His eyes move to the television, and he’s silent for a long time.

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you’re uncomfortable,” I remind him.

He shakes his head. “No, it’s not that. I guess I don’t think about it much.

So… I have an issue with making decisions.

All decisions. Stupid ones like what I’m going to wear and what I’m going to eat.

My therapist says it’s because I was raised in an environment where nothing I did, said, wore, ate, or liked was right.

” He waves his hand in an etc. motion. “It didn’t matter if I wore the shirt my father bought me or ate what my mother handed me.

Everything was always wrong. So, naturally, I grew into a place where I can’t make a decision because it’s always wrong. ”

I scowl at him, but when he glances my way, I quickly clear my expression. I hate his family. I’ve never met them, but I fucking hate them. I hate that he lived like this for so damn long.

I hate that I never saw it and therefore didn’t know to try to help him break free from it.

“So Ren makes my decisions for me. All of them. When he thinks I need a voice in the decision, he doesn’t lay it out like I’m getting a choice in it. He explains, and we talk about different scenarios, then he takes what he learned from that and makes the decision for me.”

“That must be a big weight off your shoulders.”

He sighs. “It is. It helps that he keeps my father away. Therapy helps too. But most of all, it helps that someone loves me just the way I am, you know?” His eyes meet mine, and there’s a soft flush on his cheeks. “I’m enough for him.”

I link my arm through his and rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m really glad.”

“Does that answer your question?”

“Not exactly, but I think that your lifestyle isn’t exactly what I’m interested in.”

“What do you mean?”

“You two naturally fall into roles that work for you, and while at its core, it is a dom/sub relationship with total exchange of power, it’s also just… you. It’s not about lifestyle at all. Do you call him anything other than his name?”

“Like… my love or something?”

I grin, picking up my head to look at him. “No. Like sir or master.”

“Oh.” His eyes go wide. “No.”

I laugh. “This is going to come across as maybe a little stereotypical, though I don’t mean it that way, but is your bedroom relationship just sex? Or is there bondage, paddles, choking… anything other than, well… sex?”

His eyebrows knit together. “Yes, but no. I…” He glances around the house as if someone is listening.

“Ren arranges gang bangs for me,” he whispers, and not gonna lie, my eyes go wide.

Holy fucking hell, that’s not what I was expecting.

“And… CNC. Not with others but with him. We have codewords and stuff for that. It’s safe.

I’m truly consenting even if I pretend not to be. It’s just?—”

“Hey,” I interrupt when I realize he’s trying to defend himself. “Take a breath, Fel. I’m not judging at all. That’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah?” he asks.

I nod. “Definitely cool.”

Felton takes a breath and gives me a smile. “Okay. Thanks.”

I lean into him again to give him some comfort. “Thanks for sharing with me. I appreciate it.”

“Was it helpful?”

“Yes, though not exactly what I’m looking for.

” I look at him again, making sure he meets my eyes.

“Not because I think it’s wrong or gross or anything like that, Fel.

I truly think that’s awesome that he meets your needs like that.

” I’m not wrong in guessing that they’re his opposed to Ren’s.

The way he nods and smiles says as much.

“I love your relationship. I love the connection you two have, and most of all, I love that you’re happy and healing. ”

“It’s just not for you,” he guesses.

“Exactly.”

“What are you looking for? Can I ask that?”

“You can. I’m looking for something traditionally dom/sub but that’s specifically us , you know?

I understand it’s all customizable, but we’re going in blind, him more than me.

As a dom, I should be the one guiding and teaching my sub, but I feel like I’m gaining all kinds of knowledge from books and articles and websites and…

I’m missing something. I think I really need a person to talk to. Another dom.”

“You thought Ren might be one?”

“Ren is one, even if you don’t exactly use those formalities. Everything that you described to me says that Ren is your dom and you’re his submissive.”

Felton tilts his head to the side. “Oh. Right. I said that already, didn’t I?”

I smile. “You did. And you’re right. He is. But I’m looking for someone intentionally and… consciously maybe? I want someone to learn from.”

“A mentor.”

“I suppose so, yeah.”

“You can talk to Ren, I think. He might not be an expert, but what we have works for us.”

“I might. Thanks for sharing with me, though. I really appreciate your trust in me.”

Felton gives me a coy smile. “You and Willits think I don’t know when you’re saying nice things to me because I like them, but I do,” he says. “So thanks.”

“Actually, what we’re doing is giving you affirmation,” I tell him.

“Is that different than what I said?”

“Kind of. We’re not just saying nice things to you because you like them.

You need to hear when you’re doing something right.

You need it in everyday life because, as you pointed out, you grew up believing everything you did was wrong.

We’re doing the opposite, not because you like it but because you need it to feel comfortable in life.

It helps you build your confidence, too, to know that you’re not always wrong. ”

“Affirmation,” he repeats.

I incline my head. “Yes. Interestingly, that’s also a common theme in the dom/sub lifestyle. Many subs require affirmation. Of course, there’s also the opposite. Some get off to humiliation and degradation.”

Felton’s eyes go wide. “No, thank you.”

Grinning, I shake my head. “I’m not into that either. To each their own, right?”

He nods. I imagine that humiliation and degradation is probably far too close to home as to how his father treated him.

Willits comes around the corner with a large paper bag in his hands. I can smell food as he smiles at us and sets it on the table. Out of it he pulls takeout containers.

“I didn’t know this was a potluck,” Felton says as he leans forward.

“It’s not. It’s takeout. I’m hungry, but it’s rude to eat in front of you, so I brought enough for all of us.” He lifts out a large clear container of vegetables and holds it up. “Including salad since we’re supposed to be taking care of our bodies right now.”

“This is all protein and carbs. It’s fine. Tomorrow’s game will help us work it all off anyway,” I say as I hand Felton a paper plate that Willits took out of the bag.

“I like that justification,” Willits says.

We take several minutes to fill our plates before sitting back. Willits sits in the chair perpendicular to the couch Felton and I are on. I turn the volume on the television up a little so we can hear it but not so loud that we’ll be yelling over it to converse.

“Your sister is still at your house, yeah?” I ask as I munch on a chicken wing.

Willits nods. “Yep.”

“And?” Felton asks. “How’s her girlfriend?”

He shakes his head. “Fine. She’s really sweet, actually.

” Willits frowns as he takes another bite.

Felton and I exchange a look and don’t ask anything further.

After a minute, Willits huffs and looks at us.

“I was really hoping she was awful because I don’t want to believe my parents are just homophobic.

I’m not sure what else to believe at this point. ”

“Well,” I say, trying to find something positive. Is there something positive though? “We’ll do that fake boyfriend thing, yeah? And you can see for yourself.”

Willits gives me an absent smile. “Thanks.”

Not knowing what else to say, I nod. However, my gut clenches at seeing Willits upset. It’s at that moment that I realize how empathetic I am toward my friends. I hate their upset. It feels personal. Not like they’re upset with me but like I want to do something to fix it.

“So what’s with the guy you’re seeing?” Willits asks.

Thankfully, this is a conversation that I think I can distract him with. “Good. He’s real good. I’m… trying to figure my own shit out there.”

“Are you self-homophobic?” he asks, raising a brow.

“What is that?” Felton asks, frowning.

I laugh. “What the fuck, dude? No.”

Willits smirks. “Sorry, did I ask that wrong? Are you having a sexuality crisis?”

“No, man,” I say, shaking my head. “Nothing like that at all. I’m not interested in creating a banner or writing it in the sky, but I’m comfortable in my bisexuality. It’s not that at all.”

“Oh,” Willits says. “Well… good. Then what are you trying to figure out?”

“Dominance,” I say, still amused.

“Ah.” Willits looks down at his plate. “Sorry. I’m frustrated and irritated with my family. I didn’t mean to assume you were…”

“It’s okay,” I say, kicking his leg so he looks up at me. “I imagine it’s hard to see your parents that way.”

“Yeah. But I don’t want to talk about them anymore. Tell me about being a dom. What are you struggling with?”

I sigh and shake my head. I’m not interested in continuing this conversation beyond what I’ve had with Felton, but I don’t want Willits to be stuck in his head all night either. Maybe I just need to say some words out loud for a while. Maybe if I talk this out, I’ll figure out what I need to do.