Page 4 of Tis the Season for Tentacles (Tinsel and Tentacles 2.0)

Chapter Four

Chronicles of Chaos: An Informal Record of Life Aboard the Sleigh Belle

Stardate: 78386.4

Origin: Earth

Destination: Glacius Major

As I sit here, I struggle to write these words.

We have abducted yet another human.

I blame this entirely on my foolish companions, who I warned numerous times about the dangers of a covert visit to Earth. They swore up and down it wouldn’t be a problem. We’d be in and out before anyone had time to notice us.

But then they dawdled, making trip after ridiculous trip to stuff our ship full of Christmas crap. Yes, CRAP! And that’s how a lone human spotted us.

Of course, my crewmates are once again calling our abductee a “guest” they’ve invited for “an intergalactic Christmas adventure.” Conversely, I prefer to call a spade a spade as the Earthlings say. We abducted the poor human, Felix.

Oddly enough, however, Felix does not seem as terrified or upset as he probably should be about this situation. Apparently, he was actually out in the desert looking for aliens. The fact that he found us appears to bring him considerable pleasure.

We’ll see if that lasts. In the meantime, we are heading to Glacius Major and trying to figure out what we are going to do with our “guest.”

—Najar Mezdel, First Lieutenant and Voice of Reason on the Sleigh Belle

NAJAR

I spend a restless night oscillating between anxious dreams about an Alliance ship on our tail and frustrating sex dreams about the human we brought aboard.

Felix is quite a tempting morsel of a man. Far taller than Sasha, he’s still a few inches shorter than me but has a sturdy build and handsome features, with lovely hazel eyes and short dark brown hair. Sasha is quite pale but I find Felix’s darker, olive-skinned complexion even more appealing.

My attraction isn’t one-sided either. I noticed the way his eyes followed me repeatedly last night and the way his heart hammered when I carried him into the med lab.

Our connection was clearly mutual and instantaneous. But to say pursuing it is complicated would be oversimplifying the matter.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Felix in the short time he’ll be with us. In truth, we will probably have to have the Alliance erase his memories of his time aboard the Sleigh Belle once we return him to Earth.

The only reason we didn’t have to do something similar with Sasha is because he opted to stay with us and become Kheph’s mate. That was a once-in-a-lifetime stroke of luck.

So, even if Felix and I are attracted to one another, I can’t imagine things turning out the same way. After all, what are the odds that two humans would want to stay aboard the Sleigh Belle and spend the rest of their lives traveling the universe with a crew of quirky Dravethians?

Not good.

I’m a realist, while Kheph and Luna are dreamers. No doubt they’d tell me that it could happen despite the improbable odds, but the more cynical side of me isn’t going to take that bet.

Now, that’s not to say Felix and I can’t enjoy a brief and passionate affair together while he’s aboard the ship so long as it’s consensual.

The fact that we abducted him does make things a little tricky in that regard.

When I wake in the morning feeling frustrated and with a rock-hard erection, I vow to leave it to Felix to make the first move. If anything is going to happen between us, he’s the one who’s going to need to initiate it, just like when Kheph waited for Sasha to approach him.

After I clean up and take care of my rather insistent hard-on in the shower, I head to the canteen to forage for some breakfast.

I’m surprised when I find Felix there already, wearing my nightclothes and looking deliciously rumpled from sleep.

He smiles at me. “Perfect timing. I managed to find this room but I don’t know where you keep your food.” He looks around, confused.

I show him over to a panel on the wall that houses the food generator. “Do you eat oatmeal?”

He nods. “Sure.”

I tap the necessary instructions on the screen and the generator begins to work. “Good. I’m afraid our food generator cannot make most dishes indigenous to your world, but we can make similar things based on what we have on our home planet of Draveth.”

Felix stares wide-eyed at the generator as it makes his meal. “Wow. That’s so cool.”

The generator beeps and I pull out the bowl and hand it to Felix. “When Sasha arrived, we learned that a porridge from our world and yours is essentially the same. Ours possesses a higher amount of fiber and protein but has a similar taste. Try it.”

He blinks at the porridge and then takes it. “Uh, sure. Sounds good.” He yawns and gives me a sheepish look. “Any chance that thing can make coffee?”

I grin. “Give me a moment.”

I work my magic and the generator hums to life again. Within moments I have a steaming cup of kavga ready for him.

“We do not have coffee on our home world, but we do have a beverage called kavga .” I lead him over to the meal table, where he sets down his bowl, and I hand him the steaming mug. “Try it and tell me what you think. Sasha likes it very much and tells us it reminds him of chicory-flavored coffee in your world.”

Felix arches an eyebrow but takes a cautious sip. He grins. “That’s pretty damn good.” He takes another drink and sighs with pleasure. “Please tell me this has caffeine too.”

“Of course.”

I quickly prepare the same breakfast for myself and join him at the table.

“You’re up rather early. Did you sleep okay?” I ask.

“Well, I fell asleep not long after you showed me to my room. I took a shower and then passed out pretty soon thereafter, so I got a solid nine hours.”

As he talks, my eyes keep roving over him, mesmerized by the sight of him in my pajamas. They’re a little too big on him, but I find the vision oddly compelling. Rationally speaking, I don’t know why, but I like seeing him in my clothing.

It’s confusing but I strive to ignore it.

Drinking my kavga helps as I try to corral my wayward thoughts. “I’ll get some more clothes for you after breakfast.”

He nods. “Thanks. It’s a good thing that you have some stuff that fits me.”

Luna pads into the room wearing a pair of black pajamas with neon cat faces printed all over them.

I narrow my eyes at her. “Where did you get those?”

She grins at me and heads over to the food generator. “Sasha got them for me when he was at the store yesterday. Aren’t they amazing?”

I sigh. “Thekmis, save me.” How am I the only sane person on this ship?

As if the divine goddess hears my call, Sasha’s cat, Jonesy, stalks into the room and lets out a loud meow, demanding her breakfast. Her six furry children follow, providing a background chorus of hungry meows too.

Luna makes cooing noises at them. “Come here, my darlings. You all must be so hungry. Don’t worry, Auntie Luna will make sure you’re well fed.” She gets the generator going and prepares their morning meal, talking to the cats the whole time.

Felix watches the whole interaction with obvious fascination. “How did y’all end up with a colony of cats on this ship?”

“When we brought Sasha aboard, he happened to be with his cat at the same time,” I explain. “What neither he, nor we, understood then was that Miss Jonesy was pregnant with kittens.”

Luna beams at Felix. “And now we have a group of Thekmis’s emissaries here, protecting our ship and providing us with good fortune on our journey through space.”

Felix’s brow furrows. “Thekmis?”

“A goddess in the myths and legends of our home world of Draveth,” I explain. “She is a powerful protector figure with feline attributes, highly reminiscent of the creatures you call cats on your world.”

“How fascinating,” Felix murmurs. He glances at Jonesy and her brood. “You know, I am a veterinarian by trade. I could do a quick exam on each of them to make sure they’re all healthy.” He studies the younger cats. “You probably want to make sure the young ones have been spayed and neutered.”

Luna nods. “Yeah, we were able to find someone on another planet who helped us with that when the kittens were old enough. They got a clean bill of health at the time, but it’s been a while, so we’d certainly appreciate you doing a checkup on them for us.”

Felix, smiles. “No problem. My area of specialty is exotic animals, but I did a training rotation with domestic ones too. I may be a little rusty, but I remember the essentials.”

Luna beams at him. “That’s great. Speaking of exotic animals, have you met our other resident on the ship, Howie?”

“Howie?”

She points over to a rather hideous little potted tree over in the corner. “Sasha told us he’s kind of like a creepy Charlie Brown Christmas tree.”

Felix tilts his head and studies the tree. “Wha?—”

He promptly falls out of his seat when Howie opens his eyes—positioned in his trunk—and gives a disgruntled grunt. “What the hell are you looking at?”

Luna laughs. “Ignore Howie. He’s a bit of a grump, but we still love him.”

Felix manages to get to his feet and takes a shaky step closer to the tree. “Oh, my God. It can talk.”

“’Course I can talk. Who the fuck are you?”

He swallows. “I’m Felix. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Howie.”

The tree grunts dismissively. “Whatever. Quit gawking at me and let me sleep.” He closes his eyes again and in moments, he’s snoring softly.

“Chumarg trees tend to spend most of their time sleeping,” I tell Felix. “Howie’s a lot grumpier than most of his brethren, but he helps purify the air on our ship.”

Felix comes back to the table and downs the rest of his kavga in one go. “That’s so cool. He’s absolutely amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it—I mean him.” He shakes his head in awe. “A sentient tree? We have nothing like that on our world.”

“There are a lot of strange and unusual creatures out in the universe,” I admit. “We encounter quite a few on our travels.”

Felix’s eyes are bright and alive with curiosity.

I want to drown in them. In him.

Where did that ridiculous notion come from?

Thankfully, before I do anything stupid and act on foolish impulses, Kheph and Sasha wander into the room, arm in arm, each with dopey grins on their faces.

My best friend is wearing a new T-shirt with a picture of Santa in a sleigh on the front and he’s tossing smiling cats over the side accompanied by the line, Cats for Everybody.

“Good morning, friends,” Kheph offers cheerfully as he struts around showing off his new shirt. “Did you sleep well, Felix? Isn’t my T-shirt fabulous?”

“Thanks. I slept well. The bed in my room is quite comfortable and so are the pajamas Najar lent me.” Felix’s lips twitch. “And your shirt is… festive.”

Kheph’s whole face lights up with satisfaction.

Sasha moans. “I smell kavga. Need kavga.”

He stumbles over to the food generator and Kheph chuckles. “My mate claims that he is a zombie until he gets his kavga in the morning. So please be patient with him,” he tells Felix.

Once we’re all seated at the table with breakfast and kavga, Kheph starts our morning meeting, making a clear effort to include Felix.

“Right now, we’re on our way to a planet called Glacius Major. It’s an ice planet that has a number of interesting holidays, but at this time of year, they have a fun festival going on and a winter market in the main town.”

Felix frowns. “That sounds amazing, but I’m afraid I don’t have any cold-weather clothing or other winter gear to navigate a planet like that.”

Before I can say anything, Kheph waves a pink tentacle dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll prepare everything you need to ensure your body remains warm, dry, and protected from the elements.”

Sasha winks at Felix. “We’ve got you, man.”

Felix nods agreeably. Then he looks at me with obvious worry in his eyes.

My body tenses. “What’s the matter?”

He shifts in his seat. “You see, I have a sister back on Earth that I’m supposed to get in contact with today to let her know I’m okay. Whenever I’m out in the desert, we have a plan where I have to check in with her every day, at least once, to provide proof of life so she doesn’t call the police to find me.” He steels his expression. “I know it’s probably a lot to ask, but I need to be able to have a way to get a hold of her so she doesn’t think something terrible has happened to me.”

Sasha snickers. “Like disappearing off the face of the planet?”

I shoot him a withering look and he gives me a sheepish one back.

Felix ignores Sasha and continues, his expression serious. “My sister and I only have each other. We were raised by our grandparents, but they both passed away a number of years ago. I couldn’t live with myself if I made her worry that I might be dead or missing.”

It’s no surprise to me that Kheph’s eyes are sparkling. “Such loving siblings! How wonderful.”

Felix smiles. “Gemma’s amazing. She’s a doctor, and I’m super proud of her.”

Luna perks up. “Is she cute?”

“She’s gorgeous,” Felix says confidently.

Luna leans closer. “Is she single? Does she like the ladies?”

Felix’s eyes go wide and then he grins. “Yes and yes. She’s out and proud. Hasn’t had a steady girlfriend in a few years though.”

Luna’s green tentacles start vibrating with obvious interest.

Kheph strokes his chin thoughtfully with one of his extra appendages. “There are ways we can facilitate such a communication exchange, but my concern is about telling her the truth of your current situation.”

Felix blinks. “My sister is a trustworthy person. If I tell her not to say anything to anyone, she won’t—as long as she knows that I’m safe and that I’m coming back eventually.”

My chest clenches with sudden pain at his words. I already don’t want to think about returning him to Earth, which is utterly ridiculous. I barely know this human. Maybe I’ve gone too long being single?

I straighten in my seat. After all, one of us has to be a voice of reason here. “Are you willing to have her memory erased as well?”

A look of horror washes over Felix’s face, and I want to smack myself with one of my tentacles. I probably could have been more diplomatic about that.

“Why would you do that?” he asks, his expression turning wary.

I tell the hard facts none of my crewmates want to share. “When we return you to Earth, we’ll have to erase your memory of what happened during the time you were with us. We can’t run the risk of having you blab all about us to other people on the planet.”

“I don’t think anyone would believe me and my story,” Felix says with an awkward laugh. “It’s more than a little too far-fetched.”

I shake my head. “That’s not what I’m worried about. It’s the Alliance for Neutral Alien Lifeforms on Earth that’s more likely to catch wind of what happened and then want to seek us out for punishment. We’re not exactly following the law here in terms of bringing you aboard our vessel.”

“Najar’s right,” Kheph says, worrying his bottom lip. “We already got a bit of a slap on the wrist with Sasha, but that was less serious because he opted to stay with us and become my mate.”

“What if Gemma and I both promise not to say anything to anyone else? We’ll keep it a secret forever.”

Kheph, Luna, and I all look at each other.

Sasha studies Felix for a moment, then nods his head. “I think we can trust this guy. I’ve got a good gut feeling about him.”

Luna gets a thoughtful look on her face. “It’s risky, but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. You’re going to be with us for a few weeks, Felix. That’ll give both you and your sister some time to prove your trustworthiness. At the end of it all, if you’ve both kept your word and earned our trust, I’d be willing to let you go with your memories fully intact.” She grins. “Screw the Alliance and their stupid protocol.”

Felix’s eyes fill with hope and he glances at me and Kheph.

As I expected, my best friend is practically incandescent as he beams back at Felix. “I love this idea. After all, we want to become friends with you, Felix. And even though your time with us will be limited, we’ll make lots of wonderful memories together.” His bottom lip quivers. “I’d hate for you to lose them and forget all about us.”

Sasha leans into his side and kisses his cheek. “You’re so tenderhearted, Tentacle Boy. I love you.”

Kheph sniffles and beams at his mate. “I love you, too, my mate.”

Luna makes a mock gagging noise but smiles. “Enough with the sickeningly sweet lovefest over there. You’re just rubbing it in for those of us who are single and not getting any.” She shakes her head. “So not fair.”

Felix perks up. “So, we can call my sister?”

Luna rubs her hands and several of her tentacles together with glee. “Hell yeah! I want to get a peek at this hot, single sister of yours.”

I sit silently and watch them joke with each other. I’m not sure that this plan is the wisest course of action, but for once, I ignore the voice of logic in my mind. For some reason, my heart aches when I think of Felix losing his memories about his time aboard the Sleigh Belle.

I don’t want him to forget us.

But another part of me thinks that might be for the best—and the sooner the better.

In a short amount of time, this human has disrupted my equilibrium and inspired thoughts far too ridiculous to even entertain. Returning him and wiping his brief memories of his encounter with us would be wise.

I ignore the churning in my gut at the thought and decide I should at least attempt to persuade my crewmates to go along with this plan.

No matter how enticing Felix is.