Page 1 of Tis the Season for Tentacles (Tinsel and Tentacles 2.0)

Chapter One

Chronicles of Chaos: An Informal Record of Life Aboard the Sleigh Belle

Stardate: 78384.8

Origin: Helgar’s Nebula

Destination: Earth

Yet again, I have been overruled by my crewmates. Logic and reasoning are far from their minds when concocting new “adventures.” In particular, their fanatical obsession with all things “Christmas” has not abated over the last two years. If anything, it’s gotten worse. After our captain and his human partner got married on Christmas last year, they’ve been bound and determined to celebrate the holiday–and their first anniversary–in full festive style. Our ship’s engineer is also enthusiastic about this plan. There is but one problem.

They have decided to return to Earth. Again.

In order to procure, what will no doubt be, a metric ton of decorations to adorn the interior of our once majestic ship. And with no concern about the Alliance capturing and imprisoning us for illegal trespassing.

Fuck my life.

— Najar Mezdel, First Lieutenant and Voice of Reason on the Sleigh Belle

NAJAR

“ W hy did I agree to go along with this ludicrous plan?” My tentacles twitch in agitation.

“Because you love us?” Luna says around a candy cane that our captain’s human husband, Sasha, acquired on his first trip into a nearby human town.

He’s now on his fourth run to the store.

My best friend and our ship’s captain, Khephren, waves his bright pink tentacles in the air. “Ooh! Because you’ve finally found your Christmas spirit. It’s infectious, isn’t it?”

He beams at me and I sigh.

Luna’s droid, Rambo, lets out several beeps and says, “Why so serious?”

He only talks in human movie lines thanks to Luna’s programming. Naturally, Sasha—a filmmaker and self-proclaimed cinephile—loves this, as do my movie-obsessed Dravethian friends.

I, however, wish there was a mute button on the little robot.

Two of my tentacles rub my temples, where I swear I can feel the beginnings of a headache forming.

“We’ve been here too long already. It’s only a matter of time before the Alliance discovers our presence. We don’t have the clearance to be here,” I remind them all for the umpteenth time.

Luna, evidently tired of sucking on her candy cane, takes a vicious crunching bite out of it. “Lighten up, dude. Rambo’s right. You’re far too serious.”

Khephren, who’s wearing the ridiculous elf hat Sasha gave him when they first met, chortles smugly and waves an admonishing tentacle at me. “Don’t underestimate my skills, my good man. I have spent months calibrating our cloaking device. We got past the Alliance atmospheric sensors without registering as so much as a blip on their radars. There’s no way they even know we’re here.”

Thankfully, Kheph did have the common sense to land out in the middle of the desert, far away from human eyes. That’s the one saving grace in all of this.

He also made a small automobile-like device with its own cloaking mechanism for Sasha to drive into towns and purchase the goods we need.

Or rather, the frivolous Christmas items my crewmates consider necessities.

Luna finishes off her candy cane. “Sasha should be back soon and we can be on our way. In and out in no time flat.”

The vehicle Kheph made for Sasha does travel faster than most things on this planet, so it has sped up the process quite a bit. The problem is that it’s small, meaning there’s only so much stuff that can fit inside and be transported safely. Hence Sasha’s multiple trips to the store.

I thought we had plenty after the first shopping round, but I was overruled.

By now, several trips in, the interior of the ship has become almost unrecognizable.

Before we abducted him—I mean, invited him on an adventure in outer space , as Kheph likes to say—Sasha used to work at a place called Santa’s Winter Wonderland. I can only imagine it looked a lot like our ship does now.

Festive green garlands and strings of multicolored lights adorn every visible surface around me. Several artificial trees—I’m not sure what their purpose is in relation to this holiday—are set up in different parts of the ship and covered in an explosion of ball-like decorations and some strange, synthetic, furry substance Sasha calls “tinsel.”

Khephren hums happily as he continues attaching an odd plant to the tops of doorways.

“What is he doing?” I ask Luna in a whisper.

She grins. “Hanging mistletoe.”

I blink at her.

She rolls her eyes. “According to humans, if two individuals stand under that plant, they must kiss.”

Note to self—avoid doorways when anyone else is around.

“How long is all of this going to stay a part of the ship’s… decor?” I dare to ask.

“Who knows? Maybe forever?” Luna flashes me an unbothered smile and shrugs.

“Could be worse. Could be raining,” Rambo beeps cheerily.

I close my eyes.

At least my room has remained untainted by the chaotic explosion of holiday decorations. It might be the only part of the ship that is still unscathed. That means I have at least one place I can retreat to as I endeavor to retain my sanity.

Khephren pulls out his telecom pad and starts video-chatting with Sasha who’s still in the store.

“Holy fuck, babe! They have a twerking Santa figurine. It just needs batteries,” I hear Sasha say through the speaker.

Khephren’s eyes sparkle as he stares at the screen enthralled. “It is quite amazing. Of course, we must have it.”

“Natch,” Sasha agrees with an evil laugh.

“Wait!” Khephren cries. “Back up. What is that ?”

Sasha starts laughing. “The tag says ‘it’s an inflatable ninjabread man.’ Heh. This is pretty cool.”

“Do you think we could fit it on the ship?” Khephren asks, biting his bottom lip.

“Hmm. Supposedly, it’s five feet tall when inflated but, ooh, it has LEDs inside.”

“No,” I proclaim, putting my foot down.

Khephren turns to me with pleading, puppy-dog eyes.

Too bad for him that I’m immune by now.

Mostly.

“Don’t worry, Naj.” Sasha raises his voice so I can hear him. “I’m grabbing a Grinch pillow just for you.”

I scowl.

“Good work, my darling,” Khephren coos.

After a year of marriage, he and Sasha are still in their honeymoon phase. It’s as disgusting as it is sweet.

“Babe, what about this shirt?” I hear Sasha ask.

Khephren gasps and his tentacles do a full-on cheer routine. “Dear goddess, Thekmis. Does that say ‘Meowy Catmas’?”

“Sure does.”

Kheph’s eyes are practically glowing. “It is amazing .”

“I had a feeling you’d like it. I’ll grab a couple of the different cat-themed holiday shirts for you. Your simulator should be able to fashion the holes you need in the back for your… tentacles.”

He whispers that last part.

“You are the best husband a Dravethian like me could ask for.” Khephren makes a kissy face at the screen of his device.

“Ugh,” I mutter.

Luna growls. “It is pretty annoying, isn’t it? Those lucky bastards found love and are getting laid on the regular while you and I are sad and alone, with only our tentacles to keep us company.”

“What happened to that Rendathian woman you met on Xiunderia? I thought you had plans to meet up again when we were next in that quadrant.”

Luna lets out a forlorn sigh. “The long-distance thing was too hard. She met someone new and ditched me in a hot second. We had fun, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”

I reach a tentacle over and stroke her back. “One day you’re going to find the woman of your dreams.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Any other outcome is unacceptable.”

She laughs and favors me with a soft smile. “Thanks, Naj. I hope you’re right.”

Rambo does a little robotic twirl. “If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”

Luna rubs his shiny chrome head affectionately.

Neither Luna nor I have ever been lucky in love. Granted, she’s been looking for it

a lot more aggressively than I have.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I’m cut out for such things—namely, messy emotions.

I’ve had my share of bed partners over the years, but those arrangements were always about fulfilling a biological need more than anything else. I always made that clear from the start and went out of my way to select partners looking for the exact same thing. Romance, and the complexities of connection with a lover that go beyond sharing mutual physical satisfaction, are tiresome—and a whole hell of a lot of work.

I will admit, seeing the unfettered joy that Khephren basks in every day since he and Sasha became an item does occasionally tempt me to wonder what if?

Being an orphan, I’ve had limited experiences with genuine affection.

Khephren’s parents took me in and provided for my schooling, but it was all in service of protecting their son. I was never quite part of the family, more like the hired help. Having been born with a warrior’s mark, just like my parents who died in battle, I was a perfect companion for their brilliant young child growing up. It was advantageous to them to put me in their debt so that they could make use of my talents to safeguard their son. While I don’t believe their intentions were quite that mercenary, they were calculated to some extent. It all made perfectly logical sense, even to me as a young child, but such arrangements rarely foster deeper feelings.

Things could have gone very badly under the circumstances if I hadn’t gotten along with any of them. But I came face to face with the undefeatable and unrelenting optimism of Khephren—and I didn’t stand a chance in Helgar’s Nebula of not falling under his spell. The man is so caring and earnest, and when he decided he liked me from the moment we met, my status had been elevated to friend in Khephren’s mind.

It wasn’t long before we became best friends, in only the way young children can. Growing up, we were thicker than thieves and always at one another’s side. He won me over and earned my eternal loyalty from the get-go, having always treated me like a true brother. I will always love him for that.

Few can resist Khephren when his sunshiny personality is at full power. That’s why it came as no surprise to me when Sasha succumbed as well. The formerly grumpy, Christmas-hating human could not hold out against the power of Khephren’s magical rays of pure happiness.

It was quite entertaining to watch, actually.

Oh, how the mighty grumps fall in Khephren’s cheerful wake.

Because of the nature of our connection, Khephren and I never shared any romantic or sexual attraction. We weren’t one another’s type at all. Perhaps things would have been easier if we had been.

But now I know the universe had bigger and better things planned for my best friend, in the form of the tiny human we brought aboard our ship for a so-called “Christmas adventure” among the stars.

Newsflash: It was an abduction.

But on the whole, Sasha didn’t really seem to mind and has taken to life aboard the Sleigh Belle like an Agarthian swamp-rat to water.

We all discovered that Sasha has a will of iron, and when he sets his mind on something, he goes all in.

It’s no wonder he and my best friend are so well suited for one another.

I’m sure finding his soulmate made Sasha’s transition that much easier as well. He does, of course, get homesick from time to time, mostly for things he misses on Earth, which is yet another reason we have ventured into the danger zone once more.

But he didn’t leave behind much in terms of friends or family that would lament his absence from this world.

We were all shocked to learn that Sasha’s parents had disowned him because of his sexual orientation—something that would be unthinkable among our kind.

While the Dravethian people have many flaws, we have never had qualms about different sexual preferences so long as both partners are consenting adults. Variety breeds creativity and innovation, and we have never seen diverse sexual preferences as wrong.

Luna, for instance, is attracted to women, or feminine-presenting individuals, while Khephren prefers men or male-presenting individuals.

I have much broader attractions. Over the years, I have enjoyed lovers from many different species and genders. I don’t always know what will attract me to another, but I tend to trust my instincts.

Luna fiddles with the controls at Khephren’s terminal and Christmas music starts playing softly over the ship’s com system.

I study her as she tries to stealth-watch Khephren while he’s talking to Sasha on his telecom pad, a look of longing evident on her lovely face.

Luna may act tough, but she’s just as much of a marshmallow at her core as Khephren is. She’s a lot snarkier than my best friend, but that’s mostly a protective mechanism. Luna’s been hurt before. Her generosity is abundant, and unfortunately, there have been others who’ve taken advantage of that.

Is it so wrong that she just wants someone to love, who will love her too?

I’m not really a passenger on this Christmas-obsessed train that my friends have climbed aboard, but if I could gift Luna a partner worthy of her this season, I would.

Of course, I know that isn’t how these things work, but it would bring me joy to see her find true love.

I clear my throat and wave a tentacle awkwardly. “Maybe… you’ll… meet someone on our holiday travel adventures?” I try to infuse as much enthusiasm and optimism into my voice as I can.

Luna arches a quizzical green eyebrow at me. “You okay? The face you’re making reads as ‘supremely constipated.’”

And there’s the snark on full display.

I force a smile. “You never know. It could happen.”

“Are you high? Did you eat one of those psychedelic mushrooms Kheph brought aboard the ship when we visited that fungi forest on Blarnox V?”

My tentacles coil and uncoil.

Her eyes narrow.

Dammit. She knows all my tells.

“I’m not high. Just trying to be… supportive.”

The look she gives me screams, I call bullshit .

I sigh and relent. “Fine. I can tell you’ve been lonely lately, and I just want you to be happy. You’re my other best friend, after all.”

Her gaze wanders back to Khephren, who’s humming merrily to himself now that he’s ended his call with Sasha.

“It’s hard not to be envious when you’re around two love birds like Sasha and Kheph all the time. Even though it’s been nearly two years, they’re still in their blissful and harmonious newlywed phase.” She sighs wistfully. “Who wouldn’t want that?”

I cringe. I’m not sure that I’d want that, but I don’t say anything.

She reaches a tentacle over and pats me on the shoulder. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m okay. I’m still fierce and fabulous, even when I am single. And I have a lot going for me in my life. Getting to travel with my two best friends and explore the universe, all while escaping the stupid expectations of my parents and most of Dravethian society, is pretty damn sweet. I’m super fucking lucky.”

Indeed, we all are.

“At first, when Kheph came up with his plan to escape the arranged marriage his parents had set up for him and pull a runaway groom, I thought our off-world travels might be a temporary thing.”

Luna’s tentacles do a happy little shimmy. “But two years in, we’re still roaming the universe and living our best lives. It’s great. I know Kheph has no intention of returning to our home world, and neither do I.”

“Ditto for me.” I have nothing to go back to.

Rambo beeps three times. “Together, we are, the three amigos!”

Luna high-fives him.

It’s not that we hate our home world, but we were always misfits that didn’t quite fit in there.

I was born with the warrior’s mark, but I have never wished to fight someone else’s wars. That isn’t the purpose of my existence. Yes, I will enter into battle to protect those I love—my found family—but that’s different. I’m still searching for my personal passion, I guess, but I feel like I have a better shot at finding it out among the stars.

Kheph comes bounding over to us, grinning from ear to ear.

“Sasha is on his way back. Let’s fire up the engines, my friends.”

I heave a huge sigh of relief. “We’re done?”

Kheph nods happily.

“Affirmative,” Rambo chimes in with a series of beeps.

“Good, we really need to get going.” I don’t like tempting fate when it comes to the Alliance for Neutral Alien Lifeforms and we’re basically squatting in the backyard of their outpost here on Earth right now.

I study my view screen, and when I see dust churning in the air and coming straight toward us, I let down the ramp to our cargo bay.

Khephren hurries off to greet Sasha upon his return.

Once my monitor shows he and the vehicle are safely aboard the ship once more,

I close the ramp and fire up the engines.

Just as we begin to ascend into the air, Khephren and Sasha come hurrying onto the bridge.

“Hold on a second!” Sasha cries, waving his hands in the air.

I blink at him. “What is it? Did you forget something?”

He grimaces. “Um… so… we have a small problem.”

My brow furrows, and I feel that headache from earlier returning as my temples throb.

“What kind of problem?”

Sasha shifts nervously from foot to foot. “So, apparently, there’s a human lurking out in the desert here—and they saw us.”

My tentacles twitch as I bite back a curse. “Are you certain?”

Sasha winces. “Pretty sure.”

“Neptune’s motherfucking nads. What the hell are we going to do now?” I growl.

This is precisely the kind of thing that’s likely to sic the Alliance on our asses.

I run a tentacle over my face and sigh in defeat. “There’s no helping it. We’re going to have to call the Alliance in and have them wipe this human’s memories.”

Khephren’s eyes go wide and his magenta tentacles start undulating in the air around him. “Wait! I just had the most amazing idea.”

Luna bounces to her feet. “Is it the same idea I just had?”

They clasp tentacles and giggle.

“We should invite this human aboard the ship for an intergalactic Christmas adventure,” they chorus in unison.

“Dear Goddess Thekmis, please save me,” I mutter.

Sasha strokes his chin thoughtfully. “That might be a good idea. We can suss out this person and make a more informed judgment call about what to do next. If nothing else, we can still return them later and have the Alliance wipe their memory then. For now, I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t really care to spend Christmas in an Alliance jail or having all of our precious cargo confiscated.”

Khephren’s eyes widen and he gasps. “They wouldn’t dare.”

Sasha shakes his head sadly. “They could say we’re illegally importing goods we haven’t declared. After all, we weren’t exactly allowed in on the up-and-up anyhow. Hell, they might try to charge us with ridiculous customs fees and take our stuff. It’d be a giant mess.”

And that’s if they don’t throw us in an Alliance prison.

Khephren looks around at all of the holiday decor, and his bottom lip quivers. “Our precious Christmas decorations.”

I groan. Evidently Sasha has joined Team Christmas Nutcases and I’m all on my own.

Fuck my life.

All three of them turn their gazes on me and I know I’m sunk.

“Fine,” I snarl. I launch the ship’s sensors to perform a sweep of the surrounding area, quickly identifying where our troublesome human voyeur is lurking.

“Gotcha,” I say with satisfaction and activate the tractor beam.