Page 3 of Tis the Season for Tentacles (Tinsel and Tentacles 2.0)

Chapter Three

“Tentacles and Torment: Body Swapped” by FeliXFiles

Fandom: “The Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade” by KirklovesSpock4eva

Tags: Lord Vardox, Captain Starblade, body swap, tentacles, 18+

Part 3.5 of Tentacles and Torment

“Well now, isn’t this interesting,” Vardox drawled with Starblade’s mouth.

The uncanniness of it was almost too much for Starblade. How the hell did they swap bodies?

Vardox rose from the bed with a fluid grace and began flexing his—or rather, Starblade’s—naked body, twisting around to admire his backside.

“Shtop that,” Starblade demanded, unable to stop unintentionally lisping around the fangs in Vardox’s mouth. The dang things were more awkward than he could have imagined.

Vardox arched an eyebrow at him. “Darling, I do believe we’re in a bit of a pickle.” He swept a hand down his body and then gestured at Starblade. “We seem to have swapped bodies.”

Starblade’s irritation rose to the forefront and several red tentacles whipped forward to flail in the air around him, making him stumble back with a gasp.

Vardox smirked. “Tentacles are quite wonderful, don’t you agree? I must admit I feel oddly lighter without them.” He flexed Starblade’s biceps and gazed at them admiringly. “However, I’m rather liking this unexpected turn of events. Lovers need to try new things to spice up their sex lives after all.”

Starblade sputtered. “Are you out of your fucking mind?”

Vardox sauntered closer. “Come now, darling. Aren’t you the teensiest bit interested in taking the driver’s seat and seeing what it’s like to pleasure yourself with my tentacles?”

Starblade shivered.

Damn the man. Now that Vardox had put the idea in Starblade’s mind, he couldn’t let it go.

FELIX

O ne minute, I’m surrounded by an enormous beam of light lying on the ground in the middle of the desert, and the next, I’m flat on my back inside what is clearly an alien spaceship.

Glancing around, I try to process everything I’m seeing and not grin like I’ve lost my mind.

I’m on a real alien ship!

I’d expected extraterrestrial technology and even futuristic design aesthetics.

What I didn’t anticipate was Christmas kitsch— everywhere . The interior of the ship looks like the set of a cheesy holiday movie on the Hallmark channel, but with a sci-fi flair. Every available surface appears to be covered in various types of Christmas-themed decorations and paraphernalia. Garland, tinsel, fairy lights, baubles, wreaths, and so much more.

It’s a lot to take in.

Jolting out of my momentary stupor, I struggle to get to my feet. However, it doesn’t go so well since I’m trapped by my heavy backpack. I resemble a large tortoise that’s been turned over on its back, arms and legs flailing in the air as it tries to turn itself over.

Talk about awkward and a little embarrassing when you’re trying to give aliens a good impression of humanity.

I stop breathing when a stunning golden-hued alien steps closer and looms over me. Wearing black cargo pants and a dark gray, tight vest-like garment over his bare and totally ripped torso, and with some kind of weapon in a belt at his hip, he’s imposing as hell.

He’s also quite possibly the sexiest being I’ve ever seen.

Tall, broad-shouldered, and muscular enough to give Jason Momoa a run for his money, he looks like a mighty alien warrior. His long, tawny hair is pulled back in a Viking-esque style that includes several braids, and he has an intriguing tattoo-like mark reminiscent of a sigil on his golden right cheek.

But what has my balls tingling and my heart racing are the eight motherfreaking tentacles coming out of his back.

“Am I dreaming?” I whisper.

The sexy-as-hell alien reaches a large hand down to me. “Let me help you up.”

I startle. “You speak English?”

His kissable lips quirk, and I can’t stop staring at them.

“We do, but our neural translators make occasional errors.”

“Wow,” I breathe. “This is so amazing.”

While I should probably be cautious—after all, these aliens just abducted me—I nevertheless reach my hand out and let Mister Tall, Golden, and Sexy pull me to my feet.

My body aches from my tumble down that ridge, and I wince.

“What’s the matter? Are you injured?”

I stare at him, immediately mesmerized by his multi-colored eyes that have a kaleidoscope pattern to the iris. I’ve never seen anything like it.

Feeling all kinds of awkward, I look down at myself and brush some of the desert dust off of my jeans.

“Oh, I’m fine. I took a bit of a tumble before you all… er… brought me aboard your ship. I’m a little bit stiff and sore from that.”

The majestic golden alien frowns at me. “We should have our med lab scanners check you out just to be on the safe side.”

A smaller, green-hued alien with vibrant green pigtails and also sporting beautiful tentacles steps closer.

“You’re probably freaking this poor guy out, Naj. Let’s introduce ourselves.” She beams at me and extends a light green hand. “I’m Luna Bazran, the ultra-talented engineer of this ship.”

There’s something rather charming and bubbly about her that instantly puts me at ease, so I reach out and give her hand a solid shake despite wishing it was a supercool tentacle. “Nice to meet you, Luna. Felix Taylor.”

She smiles. “Welcome aboard the Sleigh Belle, Felix.”

“Er, thanks.”

Hovering behind the gold hottie is a bright pink alien with tentacles. He has an arm and a tentacle wrapped around a short young human man with messy dark hair.

Lucky bastard.

Wait…

I point an accusing finger. “Hey! You’re the one I saw earlier.”

He gives me a sheepish look. “Yeah, sorry about all this, but we were supposed to be visiting under the radar. We didn’t want anyone to know.”

My mind reels. What exactly have I gotten myself into?

I pale. “Oh God. Are you going to kill me?”

The pink one shakes his head, his long pink hair moving with the gesture. “No, no, no, human friend. You have nothing to fear. I am Khephren Thrase, and this is my husband, Sasha Vasiliev. You are our guest and we intend to treat you with the utmost courtesy and care.” He flashes a blindingly bright smile and flaps his free tentacles in the air. “We are inviting you on an intergalactic travel opportunity of a lifetime. Will you join us on an epic Christmas adventure in outer space?” He rubs several of his tentacles together enthusiastically.

My mouth slowly drops open. For some reason, my mind gets stuck on Sasha and the pink guy. Husbands? This human and alien are married?

I can’t stop my eyes from straying back to the hunky golden alien who still hasn’t introduced himself to me, even though he’s the one I want to get to know first and foremost. I can’t help but wonder if he’s single and also into humans…

Wait. Christmas in outer space? What the what?

The golden god of a guy sighs loudly. “Sorry, Felix. I’m Najar Mezdel and these fools”—he gestures to everyone else—“are my friends and colleagues. For better or worse.”

Luna smacks him lightly with a tentacle. “You know you love us.”

Najar— even his name is sexy —grumbles something I can’t quite hear.

“You see, Felix,” Luna says, “we’re in a bit of a bind right now because you saw us. We’re not exactly here on Earth legally. We don’t have clearance. This was really supposed to be a quick in-and-out mission to get a few things for our space adventure.”

Sasha pipes up. “We honestly didn’t think there would be any people this far out in such a remote part of the desert. Our initial scan showed the area was clear.”

My brow furrows. “I wasn’t here earlier. I was out searching a different part, a different quadrant, but returned here a little while ago.”

Najar groans. “Neptune’s nads. I told you guys that we shouldn’t have stayed so long.”

“Quite right. In fact, time’s a wasting.” Khephren hurries over to a seat in front of a panel of controls. “I think it would be best for us to ‘get out of Dodge’ as they say and then figure out what to do next.”

“Good call, babe,” Sasha says. “The last thing we need is an Alliance ship following us into outer space.”

Najar sighs again and takes hold of my arm.

With one of his tentacles.

And yes, I do let out an embarrassing noise.

He lets go.

Dammit .

He leads me over to a wall covered in shiny holographic snowflake stickers, where he folds down a hidden seat panel and straps me in gently like I’m a small child before he heads over to a seat next to Luna.

I gasp when a robotic creature reminiscent of a chrome-bodied R2D2 droid from Star Wars glides past me and beeps. “Buckle up, buttercup,” he says.

“Wha—” I start to say until the ship starts moving. “Aahhh! What’s happening?”

Sasha pulls down another seat next to me and buckles himself in. He grins at me. “Don’t worry, you get used to takeoff and landing after a while.”

For some reason, the question that pops out of my mouth in response to that is, “Are you really married to that pink guy, Khephren?”

Sasha has a wicked gleam in his eyes. “Let me tell you my own tale of alien abduction. Best thing that ever happened to me.”

My jaw nearly hits the floor while he relates the story of his abduction two years ago, and how he became a permanent member of the crew and Khephren’s husband. Who, it turns out, is also the ship’s captain.

As he continues his narrative, eventually the ship’s movement smooths out, and I can barely tell that we’re flying. When he gets to the end, Sasha unbuckles his seat belt and stretches.

“So, that’s how me and Kheph got together. We’ve been enjoying wedded bliss for nearly a year.” He sighs happily. “We’re going to celebrate our first anniversary by visiting a couple of planets with romantic appeal.”

Najar leaves his seat and comes back, a grim look on his handsome face. “I’m afraid you’ll be joining us for this…”

“Adventure!” Luna cries, giving me two thumbs up.

Visiting alien planets and learning about local customs? My brain is already awhirl with what kinds of interesting species I might get to meet.

“That sounds amazing.” After all, I’m between jobs at the moment and trying to figure my life out. Couldn’t really ask for better timing.

Plus, they’re aliens with freaking tentacles. It’s like the universe plucked one of the fantasies right out of my brain and manifested it for me.

Luna leads me over to a wall where she taps on a panel. A protective screen rises to reveal a panoramic window with an unfettered view of the universe.

“Oh, my freaking god,” I whisper. “This isn’t a dream. I’m actually in outer space.”

For some reason, the reality of the situation is only fully hitting me now. This truly is the opportunity of a lifetime.

Sasha comes to stand next to me. “It’s a trip, isn’t it? Never thought I’d get a chance to travel to outer space, and in far more style and comfort than those poor NASA astronauts. It never ceases to amaze.”

Luna scoffs. “Human space-exploration technology remains primitive at best. Several more millennia and your species might be able to get to where we’re at now.”

“Be nice, Luna,” Khephren chides her. “Humans can’t be good at everything. We must appreciate their special talents where they lie.”

They slap tentacles together.

“Like human movies!” they chime in unison.

“And Christmas,” Khephren adds with a contented sigh, and Luna follows with a similar noise.

I gaze around me again, taking in the veritable explosion of holiday decor here in what appears to be the bridge of the ship.

Sasha had told me Christmas was the reason he’d been kidnapped… abducted… I mean, invited on an adventure two years ago. But I still can’t wrap my mind around why aliens from another world are so fascinated by a holiday celebrated on Earth.

However, Khephren immediately goes into raptures, enumerating all the things he enjoys about the season.

“It’s such a beautiful and wondrous time to share cozy comfort with your loved ones. The decorations! Eating specialty foods and beverages! Sharing gifts with one another! Cuddling under blankets in front of roaring fires.” He sighs dreamily. “It’s all just so romantic.”

Sasha wraps an arm around his waist and rises up on his tiptoes to kiss his husband on the cheek. “That’s right, babe. And now it’s even more romantic for us because it’s also our anniversary.”

Khephren’s eyes dance with obvious delight.

I experience a sudden and unexpected pang of envy watching this interspecies couple in front of me. They appear to share a deep bond and powerful love for one another. It reminds me a bit of my grandparents and their beautiful partnership.

Someday, I want to find a love like that.

Khephren and Sasha seem blissfully happy together, and I can’t help but wonder how it all works. I mean, between a human and an alien.

I’ve certainly fantasized about some interesting alien-on-human sexual scenarios in my fan fiction, but what’s the reality like?

Once again, my eyes stray over to Najar, who has a fond but slightly exasperated look on his gorgeous face. Everything about him is fascinating.

And inconveniently arousing.

Damn those tantalizing tentacles!

As if in a trance, I find myself moving closer to him.

“May I examine one of your tentacles?” I blurt out, practically gasping for breath.

Way to seem like a sketchy creep, Felix.

Najar startles, his eyes widening as he regards me.

Crap. Am I sweating?

I can’t exactly sniff my pits subtly here, but I pray I’m not a stinky mess right now.

I’m just shy of six feet tall, but Najar’s a good half a head taller than me. And quite a bit more muscular. I have a decent build—I need to for my job, especially when it comes to lifting larger animals—but he has me beat in all the right ways.

Am I being punished for writing tentacle porn fanfic?

Because Najar is like a stoic Lord Vardox fantasy come to life, and I’m more than a little beside myself. And damn if I don’t finally understand what swoonworthy means.

As I continue to stare at Najar, my heart races and I have to concentrate on remembering to breathe. I’m strangely lightheaded and almost euphoric.

“Are you all right?” he asks with a frown.

I shiver at his voice and try to calm down, but without even trying, Najar inspires a lot of dirty ideas that I really shouldn’t be having right now.

I try to get my big head to take the driver’s seat again and kick my libido to the curb while I try to focus on the critical things right now.

Rambo whizzes by again. “Pal, you got that moisture on your head,” he offers with several chirpy beeps.

On automatic reflex, I wipe my forehead.

Crap, it is sweaty.

My cheeks flush. “Uh… I’m fine. Maybe a little… disoriented from everything that’s happened.”

Najar’s features soften into what appears to be concern. “Let me take you to the ship’s med lab so I can run a scan and make sure you’re okay. This is a brand-new experience for you, and I’d feel better if you let us check you out.”

I let out an awkward and nervous laugh. “As long as there’s no unwanted probing involved.”

Consensual probing, I could be into…

Najar chuckles. “You humans are so amusing. Sasha asked us something similar when he first arrived. There’s no probing, I promise.”

“I grew up on South Park . No way was I going to end up like Cartman,” Sasha says with a challenging smirk.

Najar takes hold of my arm. “Shall we?”

I nod dazedly, trying not to melt into a puddle of vibrating goo at Najar’s electrifying touch. My knees go weak and I stumble a little as I follow him.

This makes him frown even deeper than before. “I’m becoming quite concerned. Please excuse me, but I must take some liberties.”

Before I can fully process what he’s saying, he reaches over and lifts me into his powerful arms with the greatest of ease, then strides off the bridge and down a corridor. After several maze-like turns, we end up in front of clear double doors that automatically open for us, and I’m brought into a white, sterile room that appears to be part doctor’s office and part hospital room.

Najar sets me down gently in front of a machine with an arch. “Please stand still for a moment while the BioNexus Med Scanner does an assessment.”

One of his tentacles presses a button on the machine and I try to stand still as a blue light moves up and down my body several times.

After a moment, the light stops and Najar nods. “It’s done. Please have a seat over there while I get the report.”

I sit on the alien version of an exam table and try to calm my racing heart. Maybe there is something wrong with me? I’ve never responded to someone as strongly as I have to Najar.

I study him as he focuses on a tablet device, using a tentacle to scroll up on the screen as he reads.

“Hmm. On the whole, you appear to be in excellent health. Some bruises and minor abrasions in keeping with the fall you mentioned earlier, but nothing serious. Your heart rate is a bit elevated, but I suppose that’s understandable.”

I manage a weak smile. “This has all been a lot to process.” I clear my throat. “Actually, I could use some water if you have any.”

He hurries over to a small sink and pours me a glass of water, which he brings to me. “I’m sorry. We should have asked if you needed any refreshment when you first boarded.”

My lips twitch. “First-class service, huh?”

He blinks, not seeming to get the reference.

I shrug awkwardly, gulp down the cool, clear water, and heave a relieved sigh. “Thanks, I needed that.”

To my surprise, I follow that up with a jaw-cracking yawn.

Glancing at my watch, I realize it’s nearly 9:00 p.m. my time back on Earth. At thirty-five, and with very little social life to speak of, I find I go to bed embarrassingly early these days. Even that coffee from earlier isn’t helping. Maybe I’m crashing after all that adrenaline from a while ago?

“Sorry,” I say around another yawn.

“It’s quite all right.”

I glance down at my lap. “I apologize for earlier. That was probably really rude of me. Asking to touch your tentacle, I mean.” I dart a quick glance up at him. “You see, I’m a veterinarian on Earth, and I specialize in exotic animals. Not that I’m suggesting you’re an animal. Fuck.” My cheeks feel red hot. “I’m not explaining this well. As another species, you’re quite fascinating to me. I’ve had the opportunity to work with several aquatic species on Earth that possess tentacles, like giant squid and octopuses, during one of my training rotations at an aquarium. We don’t have many species on our planet that possess tentacles, but I find them truly fascinating.” I gulp. “In a purely scientific way.”

Okay, yes, I’m fibbing a whole lot on that one. But there’s no way in hell I’m going to tell him I read The Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade and write my own tentacle porn fanfic. That would just be too mortifying for me to ever possibly survive.

Najar studies me for a long moment before extending a golden tentacle toward me. “I don’t mind.”

His voice is soft and husky in a way that makes me want to throw myself at him like a shameless, needy fool.

No, I’m not going to waste this opportunity. Get it together, Felix.

I reach a hand out and hesitantly take hold of the tentacle. A delighted gasp escapes me.

It’s warm and velvety soft, yet also strangely smooth. The fascinating appendage reminds me a little bit of larger species of snakes that I’ve worked with, but it’s far more supple and graceful.

I stroke part of the length of it, trying to figure out what kind of dermis covers it. Are they scales or something else entirely?

I really wish I had a magnifying glass handy so I could take a much closer look, but I realize that would be super awkward and potentially offensive to my abductor slash host.

Just when I’m about to let go, I’m surprised to find the tip of the tentacle coil lightly around my wrist.

Najar clears his throat and shifts on his feet. “Sorry about that.” He uses one of his hands to forcibly make his tentacle let me go.

“Do you not possess full control of them?” I have so many questions, and I’m itching to take notes on this amazing discovery. I want to know all about his alien species and how their biology works.

Najar steps back and crosses his arms, and it’s like a weird invisible wall goes up between us. “You appear to be tired. Let me show you to your sleeping quarters for tonight. There will be plenty of time to answer your questions after a good night’s rest.”

I don’t protest as he leads me out of the med lab and down another hallway. Eventually, he stops in front of a door and uses a tentacle to tap something into a panel on the wall next to it. The door hisses open and he leads me inside.

I’m grateful to discover that the room I’ve been brought to is free of any Christmas decor and more minimalist in its functional aesthetic. There’s a large bed, a plain desk with a chair, and a door leading into an en suite bathroom.

Najar gives me a quick tour and shows me how things work in terms of their version of a toilet and the shower.

“There are some spare nightclothes of mine under the sink that should fit you,” he says, eyeing me up and down. “I’ll be sure to drop off some additional garments for you in the morning.”

“Thanks.”

He looks away. “Sorry,” he says gruffly, “this is one of our more basic guest rooms.”

I shake my head. “It’s perfect. I don’t need anything fancy.” I look around. “I’m just relieved this room isn’t covered in Christmas decorations.”

Najar lets out a startled laugh. “Yeah, there aren’t many places on the ship that remain unscathed from the Christmas brigade’s onslaught at the moment.”

I tilt my head at him in consideration. “Are you not part of the festivities?”

“Not in the way that the others are. They tend to go a little overboard with such things. I’m mostly here to try to keep them from doing anything truly foolish.” He winces and looks away. “I’m afraid I failed in that task when it comes to you.”

I give him a tentative smile. “They do seem like quite a handful.”

“That’s putting it mildly. But they’re good friends and they do mean well.” He gives me a soft smile. “Get some rest. You’ve been through a lot tonight. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

After he leaves, I hop into the shower to wash the dirt and grime of the desert off and let the hot water ease some of my aches and pains from my fall earlier. I have several bruises forming already, but there’s not much I can do about that.

Once I’m clean and feeling more like myself, I get out of the shower and dry off before putting on Najar’s spare pajamas. They’re soft and a little too big, but I find I like knowing that I’m wearing his clothing. It doesn’t make any logical sense, but I feel strangely protected in them.

Back in the bedroom, I hunt through my backpack and pull out my laptop. Thankfully, it isn’t broken, but I quickly realize I don’t have any Wi-Fi.

I pull my phone out of my discarded jeans pocket.

No signal.

I stumble over to the bed and sit down, my mind once again reeling.

Tomorrow night I’m supposed to check in with my sister to let her know I’m okay, but I’m starting to fear that won’t be possible. And knowing Gemma, if she doesn’t hear from me, she’ll be out there combing the desert for me immediately.

The two of us only have each other, and I can’t leave her thinking I’ve died or been kidnapped.

That helps me strengthen my resolve. Tomorrow, I just need to convince my “hosts” that I need to send a message to my sister.

Piece of cake, right?