Page 41 of This Is Who I Am

ESTELLE

I never want this dance to end, because I have no idea what comes after. Cass might be appalled by what her body made her do—push herself so close to me. She might remember how I cast her aside—how my fear cast her aside—and say, “thanks, but no thanks, I’ve had enough of that.”

Before our breakup, the loneliness, the anxiety, and the too familiar feeling of being misunderstood all combined to put me on the defensive.

I shouldn’t have got my hackles up; I should have waited to see where Cass and I might go, because all of my anger and loneliness was nothing compared to how I felt in Berkeley. Far away from her.

My brain spun it into me missing Clearwater Bay and all that came with it—the friendship and the surf and that warm feeling of being home—but what I really missed was Cass.

What I really missed was this. My arms around her, our fingers interlocked, and that dizzy sensation in my belly when I’m with her without worrying.

The music stops abruptly and someone taps a microphone. Reluctantly, I let go of Cass. She looks at me sheepishly but there’s no time for an emotional aftermath of our dance, because Suzy’s brother, Sam, wants to make a speech.

“Sorry about that tender moment, Sis,” Sam says. “I promise it won’t happen again.” Everyone laughs while Suzy pulls a horrified face.

Sam speaks for a few minutes, then hands the mic to Sadie, whom I’ve seen more in a wetsuit than in regular clothes. I can’t wait for surf club on Monday.

I’m an only child so I’ll never know what it feels like to have siblings speak about you the way Sam and Sadie speak of their sister. Suzy is positively beaming when it’s her turn.

I glance at Cass as she watches her friend address the crowd.

She’s gorgeous with that huge smile on her face and her eyes all lit up like that.

She looks like someone I don’t want to run away from ever again.

Even though what I told her earlier is true.

I’ve always been a done-is-done kind of person.

Life has made me so. I never go back for a second helping of hurt, for more of not being good enough. But I came back for her.

I can only hope she’ll have me.

To no one’s surprise, Suzy’s speech is funny and ambling and long, but you only turn fifty once and it makes me think of my own fiftieth birthday later this year.

All I want for that birthday is to be able to spend it with Cass.

To make it that far with her. I have a long way to go, because we’ve only danced together so far.

I haven’t won her back yet, but I will try my utmost to make it happen.

We all give Suzy the generous applause she deserves. And of course I think about that time she came to see me, worried that I might hurt her friend. And I did hurt Cass. But I’m here to undo that.

“Hey, girl.” Bobby grins at me. “Give it up for Bobby, please.” He holds up his hand for a high five.

Confused, I slap my palm against his.

“I sent you that message for a reason,” he says. “I was so subtle about the whole thing, I can barely believe it myself, but you’re here. You came. All it took was one picture of me.” He winks at me.

I chuckle, more than happy to give him credit for what he did. He’s right. If he hadn’t texted me about the party, the thought might not even have occurred to me to come.

“That was some next-level nudging,” I admit.

Bobby leans toward me, all divine pink campness, and whispers in my ear, “Now go get your girl, damn it.” He follows up with the kind of Bobby-hug I could grow accustomed to.

I glance around for Cass but she’s chatting with the guest of honor. I have time to get my girl. I’m not going anywhere.

“Hey, stranger.” Devon only needs a crisp white shirt to look dazzling. “Welcome back.” She opens her arms to me and I gladly step into her embrace. As she holds me, I think that, even in the best possible scenario, I could not have dreamed of such a warm welcome.

“I saw you dancing with Cass earlier,” Devon says. “From where I was standing, it looked as though you were both very much into it.”

“I know what I feel, but I don’t know what Cass is feeling.” If anyone can give me some solid advice, it’s Devon.

“How do you feel?” she asks, instead of giving me a few words of wisdom. “What’s different?”

It’s a fair enough question. “I guess I needed some distance to really see what I was letting go of, what I was missing. I couldn’t see it when I was still here, when I was in the middle of it.”

“You had to go away in order to come back?” Devon asks.

“Something like that.”

“I hope you can work it out.” She smiles gently. “I really do.”

I nod. “Me too.”

The DJ turns up the music and it’s like the entire surface of Savor instantly turns into a dance floor. Devon and I get swallowed up by a mass of writhing bodies and I can only hope that, somewhere in this sea of dancers, I will soon find Cass again.

* * *

I do find Cass and we dance together, with her friends— our friends—until the early hours. It’s not a night for talking and I’m glad for it. It’s good that we can have these euphoric moments together before we actually have a conversation.

When I check my watch for the first time, it’s nearly three in the morning. I’m exhausted from the dancing, which my body is not used to, and the emotions, and the long day I had.

Cass is chatting to someone I don’t know. The crowd has thinned but there are a few die-hards left on the dance floor.

“People our age don’t go out dancing nowhere near enough,” a familiar voice shouts into my ear.

“Our age?” I arch up my eyebrows as I look at Sadie. “You’re five years younger than Suzy and me.”

“As if that makes a difference.” Sadie slings her arm around my shoulders.

“I’m glad you’re back. Surf club’s not the same without you.

” She lets go and smiles wistfully. “Do you know that Dev and I reconnected at my fortieth? Birthday parties in Clearwater Bay seem to have some sort of special romantic power. Use it to your advantage.”

“I was about to head home,” I say.

“Find your second wind. Trust me. It will be worth it.” Sadie grins at me, then shuffles onto the dance floor again. As soon as she clocks her, Devon wraps her arms around Sadie and they fall into a kiss that has Bobby ostentatiously fanning his face.

I’m not sure I have a second wind, but I only have to look at Cass in order to stay a little longer. I wait patiently until her chat ends, then walk up to her.

“You throw a great party,” I say.

“My feet are fucking killing me,” she sighs. “Shall we sit for a minute?”

I follow her to an area by the window—the same window I had my regular Friday night table at—where some chairs are set up.

“I’m exhausted and I’m drunk,” she says, “and I’m also over the moon that you’re here.”

“Thank goodness.” A smile spreads on my lips.

“I still like you so much…” She extends her hand, and I take it in mine. “I still think you’re so special.”

My tipsy brain is already beside itself. “Ditto,” I say. “Can we talk. Properly. Soon.”

“I’d like that.” She sucks her bottom lip between her teeth. “Although all of tomorrow is booked for the worst hangover ever.” She grins at me. “You might want to stay away from me for that.”

“I’ve seen you in… various states.” I’m pretty sure I can deal with hungover Cass.

She chuckles and gestures at me. “How come you still look so good?” She shakes her head. “I don’t understand that about you.” She points all her fingers at herself. “Look at me. I’m a disheveled, drunk mess while you look like you’ve just arrived.”

“You must be wearing a very flattering pair of invisible glasses if that’s how you see me.”

“You’re so fucking gorgeous.” It almost sounds like an insult.

“I know I’ve reacted to that in ways that weren’t always very nice.

I’m sorry about that. I can hardly hold your beauty against you.

And how you don’t suffer from the menopause.

And how you pick up a surfboard and just get into the water with the likes of Sadie and Devon.

And look damn good in a wetsuit while doing so. ”

It’s unsure whether Cass is complimenting me or disparaging herself—maybe a little of both.

I slant toward her. “I’m not you and you’re not me.”

“I’ve had some time to think…” Her tipsiness is making her extra frank. “And it’s possible that we are incompatible, but not for the reason you’re so convinced we are.”

“Okay.” I guess we are already having the conversation.

“Bijou,” she says on a sigh. “That was nothing, but you never gave me the chance to explain that to you. Yes, I slept with her. And yes—” She nods decisively.

“I touched her in ways I can’t touch you, but…

it was an empty touch. It was soulless. I was so fucking drunk, anyway.

It’s not that I don’t remember, but it was not memorable, you know?

Not like every single time with you.” Cass expels some air.

“When you walked away, it made me see something I hadn’t before.

I could touch a hundred women and none of them would make me feel what I feel just being in the same room with you. ”

“But what about the reciprocity? The intimate vulnerability you miss with me?” I might as well ask her now that she’s so forthcoming.

“Well, yeah, that’s not there, but there are so many other things… It’s no secret that I think you’re too hot for me, too kind, too smart, too everything…”

“That’s only because of how you feel about yourself at this particular time in your life,” I reply.

“Maybe, but… I don’t know.” She chuckles. “You came back.”

“I came back,” I repeat, while slipping her hand in mine. “For you.”

“I called you a coward.” She pitches her body toward me.

“I was a coward.”

“You were just hurt.” Her face is less than an inch removed from mine. “I shouldn’t have called you a coward.”

“I hurt you too,” I say.

“At least we’re compatible when it comes to that.” Her lips scrunch up. “That doesn’t make any sense, does it?”

“It doesn’t matter.” I lean in. “None of it matters right now.”

Cass’s gaze flicks to my mouth and lingers there. Her breath brushes against my lips and the whole world stops. The music from the dance floor becomes distant and irrelevant. It’s just us here in this secluded corner of Savor—in the exact spot where we first met.

I tilt my head just slightly, still unsure whether I should kiss her, although I can’t see how I can possibly stop now.

Then, she bridges the final distance between us. Ever so slowly, as though she’s making sure I can still change my mind. But this is all I want.

When her lips touch against mine I feel like I’ve truly come home. My fingers tighten around hers. Our kiss deepens. Her hand cups my cheek, her thumb caressing my jaw. Her lips taste of champagne and recklessness and the kind of hunger that only comes from waiting too long.

I lean into her more, into all of it. The rush and the ache. The impossible tenderness of what we’re doing—because it is kind of impossible.

When we part, it’s only because we need air.

“You really did come back for me,” she whispers.

“I’m here for you and for your hangover tomorrow,” I say.

“That doesn’t surprise me about you one bit.” Her voice falters. “It’s exactly who you are and I fucking love you for it.” She pulls me close and kisses me again.