Page 14 of This Is Who I Am

ESTELLE

I can’t tell Cass that something she said made her—in my own way—irresistible to me. Although, come to think of it, it would be wholly dishonest not to divulge it. I didn’t come here to trick, nor kiss her—let alone seduce her.

“There are so many things about you that appeal to me,” I say honestly.

“I don’t mean your cooking, although that’s magnificent.

That goes without saying at this point.” I might have hammered on it a bit too much in order to hide some other emotions.

“I like that you’re straightforward. I like that you know what you want.

I like that you’re very honest about the stage of your life you’re in.

I like your sense of humor and your kindness.

Your respect for me and what I told you. ”

“Jesus.” Cass fans her face with her fingers. “Way to make a middle-aged lady blush.” She’s no longer in a mood to mess about, though, that much is crystal clear. “All of that sounds very acceptable. Like music to my ears, actually.”

I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you. Not tonight.” She might very well run for the hills if I do.

“I can’t make heads nor tails of you.” Nothing Cass says ever sounds unkind. Her words are always tinged with a softness that is addictive. “Can you tell me what you want?”

“Maybe we can go on a proper date? One that we call by its right name from the start.” I put all my warmth in the smile I send her. “If you want.”

“We certainly would have a lot to talk about.”

I take it that means she has a lot of questions for me. It’s not a yes, however.

“So, you want to go on a date,” Cass repeats what I just said. “Even though you’ve said several times that dating isn’t on your to-do list and you’re undatable.”

It’s confrontational to hear my own contradictions repeated back to me. Cass is right. I did say those things. And then I kissed her.

“I do.” I take a sip of wine and wish it was something stronger, like that brandy from yesterday.

“To what end?” she asks.

I’m not the only one in this room who’s been hurt. I bet Cass’s heart has plenty of scars as well.

“I would like to get to know you better.”

She huffs out some air. “I don’t know if you’re being coy or just honest. It’s driving me up the wall.”

“I’m not being coy. I’m being as honest as I can be.” I take a beat, then swallow what I’m about to say next.

“I want to, Estelle… Of course, I do.”

“But?”

“You confuse the hell out of me. I don’t know what to think. You’re one big mixed signal. A very pretty one, at that.” She shakes her head. “I know it’s not sex you’re after. And why would you, with the likes of me?”

How I wish Cass wouldn’t refer to her body as though it’s become some useless burden she has to carry around. But I get it.

“I’m sorry for being confusing. You might not think so after tonight, but I actually prefer things to be obvious and clear cut. Yet, confusion and a certain level of chaos is what I end up projecting.”

“To be blunt.” Cass shifts in her chair. “After what you told me, I didn’t think kissing would even be on the menu.”

“It is.”

“But… how does it make you feel?” She finds my gaze and is brave enough to hold it.

“I would love to explain all of this to you during a proper date.” I’m desperately pushing for a yes because if she says no now, if she ushers me out of her house, I fear I might also be ushered out of her life.

“Of course I’ll go on a date with you,” Cass says. “I can’t say no after that kiss, but… I’m worried it doesn’t mean the same to you as it does to me.”

“Don’t worry about that. Please.” It’s easy enough to say, much harder to do. Eighty percent of my relationships might have been salvageable if there had been less worrying.

Cass smiles gently, then sags deeper into her chair.

“I was enjoying my quiet life, dealing with my hot flashes, finding my groove as a single lady, and then you turn up with… all of this.” She briefly arches up her eyebrows.

“I should probably stay away from you, but I already can’t resist you.

” She scoffs. “You probably have no idea how crazy that sounds to me .” She puts a hand on her chest, just below her clavicle.

“Maybe when you put together two women who consider themselves undatable, you get the opposite.”

“I’d like to see you calculate that in your little notebook.”

I burst into a chuckle. It might not be as hard as the problem my dad set me. I’d make it work somehow.

“I can show you my calculations on our date. I’d like to take you out to thank you for tonight. And last night.”

“Show me with food, that’s more my language.” Cass might be a little confused, but she’s by no means put off—or intimidated.

“Deal. Although it’s a pity I can’t take you to the best restaurant in town.”

“Burgers at The Bay are fine. Maybe you can show off your newfound surfing skills for me first.”

“Oh, god.” I giggle because we’re now firmly past the hurdle our impromptu kiss has thrown up. “Only if you join me.”

“Never,” Cass says. “I prefer to watch.”

On that note, August strolls into the living room and utters an exasperated meow, as though commenting on something very untoward that’s happening.

“He’s hungry,” Cass says. “He’s a very punctual cat.” She pats her lap, but August refuses to jump in. “Very bossy as well.”

“I’ll let you feed your cat.” I push myself out of the couch. I could stay here for a good while longer, but I might end up kissing Cass again—and I don’t think I should. “I’ll see you for burgers at The Bay on…” I crouch down to scratch August behind the ear. “My calendar’s wide open.”

“What day is your surfing lesson?” Cass rises. “I can meet you there.”

I shake my head, unable to suppress a smile. “No. A proper date, we said. I’m not going to turn up in a wetsuit.”

“Why not? From where I was sitting, it looked pretty good on you.”

“So you were watching me?”

“I was curious about your skills. Suzy told me you grew up here and I know that for most people that means they have surfer blood.”

“As soon as I learned to count, I turned into a math nerd.” I push myself up, eliciting another offended meow from August. “If you have any math that needs doing, I’m your girl.” This conversation is getting more irrational by the minute.

“I’ll think about it.” Cass nods at the frame I gave her—it seems like a lifetime ago that I arrived. “Thank you for that. I really appreciate it.”

“Thank you for another amazing meal. It was special, like the person who made it.”

“My pleasure.” She walks toward me, her arm extended as though she wants to put her hand on my back, but she retracts it. “My oh-so confused pleasure, Estelle Raymond.”

I reach for her hand and take it in mine.

“Shall we say Monday?” Cass squeezes my hand softly. “Seven o’clock?”

“I’ll skip surf club. Happily.” Our hands intertwined, Cass walks me to the door.

“We can do lunch instead on Tuesday,” Cass offers.

“No, dinner on Monday evening sounds perfect.” I turn toward her. “I had an impromptu private lesson with both Sadie Ireland and her wife this morning.”

“Both Sadie and Devon?” Cass grins. “You must be a pro by now.”

“Close enough.” I slant toward Cass and kiss her softly on the cheek. “Good night. See you soon.”

I slip out the door before I can create any more confusion.