Page 16 of This Is Who I Am

ESTELLE

I’m only pretending to brood on the problem in my notebook. I’m about an hour early for my date with Cass, but I couldn’t stay at my dad’s house one minute longer.

“Penny for your thoughts.” A vaguely familiar voice pulls me from my reverie on the deck of The Bay.

I look into Devon’s friendly face, the early evening sun catching the fine salt spray in her hair.

“Are you working?” She rests her hands on the chair opposite me. “I don’t want to disturb you.”

“No. You’re not disturbing me at all.” I quickly close my notebook and send her a smile. I could do with some small talk, some light conversation to ease my nerves—because I am nervous. What if Cass changed her mind after all my confusing antics? “Join me?”

“I’d love to.” Devon sends me a sly grin. “I need to keep an eye on the women my wife is teaching how to surf, especially hot newcomers.”

A loud chuckle escapes me. “First of all, I’m not exactly new to town, and well, hot is debatable, so I’ll stay out of that.”

If anything, Devon is smoking hot, what with her sun-kissed skin and high cheekbones.

I don’t care much for tattoos, but that sleeve on her arm is a true eye-catcher.

No wonder Sadie Ireland married her. They’re the sort of couple that makes you believe in love again, even when you’re trying your hardest not to.

“Are you taking Sadie’s lesson later?”

“No, um, not this week.” I clear my throat. “I’ll be back next week for sure.”

“Good.” Devon nods while she pushes a ginger strand of hair away from her face.

“I think every middle-aged woman should learn how to surf, not only for the physical health benefits, but even more so for the mental ones.” When she flashes me a bright wide smile, faint laughter lines are visible around the corners of her mouth.

“Although my sister-in-law wholeheartedly disagrees with me on that and she calls me completely biased when it comes to all things surfing.”

“The learning curve is quite steep,” I say.

“Anything really worth learning should have a degree of difficulty. If you could just grab a board, take to the water, and glide on a wave, where would be the satisfaction in that?”

“Oh my god, that would be so fucking satisfying,” I blurt out.

“You say that now, but it’s not really true.” Devon’s very matter-of-fact about this.

A server stops by to bring us some water.

“Any particular reason you’re not surfing tonight? The weather’s great for it and the waves are perfect.”

“Um, yeah.” An inadvertent smile tugs at my lips. “I have a date. Here. Later.”

Devon grins at me. “That’s an excellent reason to skip surfing with my wife.” She flashes me a grin. “Anyone I know?”

“Cass.”

“Cass from Savor?”

I nod, butterflies doing something untoward in my stomach.

“Right.” It’s hard to read Devon’s face. “Cass, huh?” Her head seems stuck between a shake and a nod. “Okay.” She takes a sip of water. “How did that come about, if I may be so curious?”

News of our date will be all over town in no time, I imagine. Not an issue for me, but I can’t be sure how Cass feels about that, what with her actually living here.

“I, um, got a little too addicted to her food and kept showing up at Savor. We got talking and…” I open my hands as if I’ve just given Devon a precise lowdown despite leaving out about ninety percent of the details. “Here we are.”

“I know Cass well,” Devon says. “Her best friend, Suzy, isn’t just my sister-in-law, we also work together.”

“Oh, what do you do?”

“I’m a life coach. Suzy focuses more on menopause consulting now, which doesn’t make her less of a life coach. On the contrary, I would say.”

“A life coach, huh?” My life could do with some coaching right about now. “So you have all the wisdom?”

Devon shakes her head. “No, but I’ve worked on myself a lot, I’ve helped a ton of clients, and I’ve studied my ass off, so…

I do know a thing or two.” She leans forward.

“Mostly, it’s about listening, though. Most women just need to be heard.

” She leans back in silence, as though she’s ready to hear whatever I have to say.

A gull lands on the railing beside us, head cocked as if it too is waiting for what I say next.

Maybe she has a sixth sense as a life coach, maybe her experience listening to so many women has helped her recognize a woman struggling with something.

I consider Devon’s words. I don’t doubt that most women need to be heard, but talking doesn’t always come easy to me. I try regardless.

“I came back to Clearwater Bay because I burned out,” I say, sort of surprising myself. “My dad died a few months ago and I tried to go back to work afterward, but it was suddenly all too much and I couldn’t care about work as much as I did before. As when he was still alive.”

“That’s a hell of a one-two punch,” Devon says.

“Yeah.” I glance past her, watching a group of young surfers wander along the boardwalk, carefree and relaxed. “I thought coming here might help me reset, but I’m definitely not there yet.”

“These things take time,” Devon says. “It’s probably good that you came back.”

I wrap my hands around my water glass. “I’m doing all the right things according to the internet. Taking time off, learning a new skill like surfing, getting plenty of fresh air.” I force a smirk.

“Going on a date.” Devon grins at me.

“Mom. Mom!” A kid runs up to our table. “Mom, come on, you promised.” He hovers over Devon, dripping water onto her.

“Estelle, meet my son, Finn. Finn, Estelle.”

“Hi.” The boy looks me straight in the eye. “Nice to meet you, Estelle,” he says. Finn’s adorable and obviously raised to be polite.

“And you, Finn.”

“He wanted to join Sadie’s lesson. He figured he could teach the ladies a thing or two,” Devon says. “It’s my job to keep him away.” Devon gets up. “We’re doing a sunset surf.”

“I’ll get your board,” Finn says and runs off.

“He’s such a little surfer dude,” Devon’s voice is soaked with motherly love. She sends me a smile. “Hey, um, if you want to talk more, I’m an excellent listener. You know where to find me.” She raises her hand. “Have a great date. Cass is lovely.”

“Thanks,” I mumble as she walks off with the confident gait of a woman who’s about to do what she loves most in the world.

* * *

I’m engrossed in watching Sadie and her surfers take to the water when Cass arrives, a fashionable ten minutes after seven.

“No regrets about not being able to join them, I hope,” she says. She most certainly looks good enough to kiss again. Her eyes are bluer in this light and her hair is delightfully windswept from the walk over.

I rise so I can kiss her on the cheek. She smells like freshly picked flowers.

“None.” I glance at her. “You?”

“No, but on second thought, The Bay might not be the best place for our first proper date.”

“Do you want to go somewhere else?” I ask, but she’s already sitting down.

“It’s okay. For now.” She points at my notebook. “Did you manage to make the numbers work?”

I chuckle low in my throat. Cass’s company simultaneously relaxes and excites me. It’s a strange feeling. “Always.”

The server comes by and we order a bottle of white wine. “That good sauvignon, please,” Cass adds.

“I was early and got talking to Devon, actually.” I nod at the water. “She’s out there surfing with her son.”

“Finn’s a good kid. At least when they get the surfing bug, they can’t get up to any other mischief.” Her face softens. “His dad, Hunter, is my other bestie. He was here last week before I, um, had my little incident.”

I remember a guy offering me the chair next to Cass, which, come to think of it, might be the reason we’re sitting here again tonight.

Maybe if I hadn’t sat next to her after surf club, we wouldn’t have got to talking and I wouldn’t have worried about her hot flash.

I probably wouldn’t have walked her home.

I would most definitely have gone back to Savor, though.

“How are the incidents?”

“I had one just before I came here so fingers crossed that’s it for tonight.”

The bottle of wine is brought to the table. Cass pours us each a glass.

“To our first proper date.” She lifts her glass.

“I was a little worried you might not show,” I admit.

“I didn’t hesitate for even a split second.

” She leans over the table. “Although, um, I talked to Suzy about last Saturday. About our dinner and that… kiss.” She leans in even closer.

“I told her that you’re ace. I hope that wasn’t out of line, but Suzy, she’s aromantic.

She gets it. If it’s supposed to be a secret, it’s definitely safe with her. ”

“It’s okay. It’s not a secret. It’s just who I am.”

“Phew.” Cass leans back. “I was worried about it. Admittedly, I—um—yeah…”

She’s adorable when flustered like that. “You don’t know how to deal with it. It’s okay.”

“I don’t want to rush things or speak out of turn or anything like that, but you’re going to have to give me pointers, because… I don’t know the protocol.”

“The protocol…” I have to chuckle at the word. “For me, and this is very personal, but for me, no touching below the waist.” I’ve said this so many times, it comes out easy and natural enough. The reactions to it haven’t always been the same, however. “Anything else goes.”

“Okay.” Cass takes a sip of wine. “Thank you for telling me that. That, um, clears things up considerably.”

“I didn’t mean to be so coy about that. That really wasn’t my intention. In hindsight, I was more coy than honest with you.”

“You were flirting.” Cass smiles. “Brutal honesty doesn’t always work when engaged in the subtle art of flirting. I accept that.”

“I was flirting, wasn’t I?”

Cass nods. “Hence my confusion. I’ve never had a beautiful woman tell me she’s asexual and then kiss me like that before, so…”

It’s funny how we can so openly talk about everything that was so difficult to address only a few days ago.

“It’s just that,” Cass continues, “in my experience, a kiss often leads to… more.” She locks her gaze on mine. “But that will never be the case with you?” Her tone rises at the end of the sentence, telling me it’s another question she needs answered.

“Not necessarily,” I say, no doubt adding to her confusion.

“I know it’s a spectrum.” She’s curious but unafraid—another thing to like about her. “I guess what I’m asking, if this is something I can ask you, is where are you on this spectrum?”

“And we haven’t even ordered our burgers yet,” I joke. But I’m the one who kissed her and, for that, I do owe her an explanation.

I take a sip of wine, staring into the pale liquid. Then I meet her soft blue gaze.

“I do have sex, but I only give. I never receive.”

This stuns Cass into silence. I give her the time she needs to process.

“But the other day you said you didn’t have sex.”

I nod. “It was the easier thing to say at the time. This is more third date information.”

“You’re the numbers person…” She pauses. “I’ve told you about me. About what I’m going through. You’re managing my expectations and I think I should do the same with you. Sex for me… it’s not a given. Not necessarily because I don’t want to, but my body…”

“It’s okay.” I open my hand to her. “It’s absolutely not required. It’s an option, within my boundaries, but it’s not something I ever expect. It can be off the table or on the table. That’s totally up to you. I will always respect your choice.”

She peers at my hand. “I’m very much in an off the table stage.” She traces a fingertip over my palm. “Although, to be completely honest…” With her other hand, she points at her forehead. “I think my brain is trying to trick me into things my body can no longer live up to.”

“What does that mean?” Cass can be coy, too.

“It means that I find you insanely attractive. As in off-the-charts, out-of-my-league, kiss-me-again-now hot.”

I trap her wandering finger in my palm. “You’re totally in my league, Cass, and I would very much like to kiss you again.”

“Not here, though.” A blush creeps up her cheeks.

“We could give the surfer ladies something to talk about.” I keep hold of her hand in mine. It feels good there.

“Let’s keep the kissing for later,” Cass says. “How about those much-talked-about burgers now?”