Page 25 of This Is Who I Am

ESTELLE

Cass breathes heavily beneath me, her chest rising and falling. I’m so happy that she got what she wanted—that her body could experience this pleasure and, also, that I was the one who was able to give it to her.

Not to brag, but I’ve witnessed so many climaxes in my life, I no longer wonder what they feel like. I’ve long accepted that this kind of pleasure is not for me, but I get my own kind of pleasure from giving. And this was one hell of a present. Cass still hasn’t regained the power of speech.

I’m bracing for what comes next, once she’s recovered enough to ask the question I always, invariably, get after the first time with someone new. Human beings are so utterly predictable.

“Jesus effing Christ,” Cass whispers after a few more minutes have passed, her voice brittle, as though she strained it with that wildcat scream earlier—August might think there’s an intruder in his territory.

I push myself away from her shoulder, where some wetness from her tears has pooled, moistening my own cheeks, to look at her.

“I don’t know what to say.” A wide smile spreads on Cass’s lips.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Something flutters in my stomach. Cass has come a long way from that meltdown in her kitchen when I arrived, to this.

“We will have to test whether this is a one-off occurrence or repeatable.” She giggles. “For science.”

“I happen to be a mathematician who is very interested in science.”

Cass shakes her head. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“This was my thank-you for all the amazing food you’ve prepared for me.”

“In that case, let’s skip brunch tomorrow and I’ll make you the best grilled cheese you’ve ever had.”

My turn to chuckle. “It’s definitely not a quid pro quo.”

“My body will probably take some time to recover from this. I might not be able to move tomorrow from all the trembling my muscles did.” Something solemn passes over her face.

“All jokes aside,” she says, “I am grateful because… I forgot what it felt like to be completely transported like that. I—” Her voice falters.

“I don’t want to make too much out of it, although it is a big deal to me.

” She pauses. “I have no idea how this happened. What went on in my body or my brain or both to make this possible. It’s all quite unfathomable and the only differentiating factor is you. ”

“Differentiating factor?” I repeat. “You sound like a mathematician.”

“You must be rubbing off on me already.” She doesn’t look as though she’s joking. “You’re so incredibly kind, Estelle. It’s like your kindness has just completely… melted me or something. I don’t know how to adequately put the feeling into words.”

I have to swallow something out of my throat now. “You were very brave, showing yourself to me like that.”

“You made it easy. You make everything easy.” Cass gazes up at me with sparkling eyes, still moist from crying earlier, and all my own defenses melt into a useless puddle as well. “I’m so going to fall in love with you. You’d better watch out.”

“Watch out for what?” That tingle in my stomach grows a little bolder.

“Oh, I don’t know. I just—” She blinks a few times, as though warding off more tears. “I was so not expecting someone like you in my life.”

“Ditto.”

“And, um…” She runs a fingertip over my arm. “Now we just… stop? Go to sleep? There’s nothing, um, you need?”

There we go. The inevitable question. But it’s only logical. I’ve yet to meet a woman who doesn’t want to reciprocate. It’s not in the female DNA to just receive.

“I already got everything I need.” I want to kiss her again, which is usually an acceptable response to this question, but Cass isn’t done talking.

“If we, um, were to do this again…”

“Which we’ve already established we should because of science.”

“We do kind of owe it to middle-aged ladies, a notoriously under-researched bracket of the population, to investigate this further.”

“That goes without saying.”

“You said no touching below the waist.” Cass goes directly to the point—and I’m glad for it. “What about above the waist? That tank top looks mightily good on you, but…”

“You want to see what’s underneath?”

She nods in response.

“You can touch my breasts. It’s okay.”

“But it doesn’t turn you on?” she asks.

“It doesn’t,” I confirm. “But if it turns you on, that works for me. Although that’s where I draw the line.”

“Okay.” She smiles softly. “Got it. I think.”

“I know this is new for you and a little complicated, but we’ll get used to it.”

“It’s not that complicated,” Cass says and I don’t contradict her, even though I know from experience it’s not true. It always gets complicated at some point.

I just smile down at her and enjoy this special moment between us.

She just said she’s falling in love with me.

This charismatic, passionate woman who makes the best burger I’ve ever tasted.

And now I’ve seen her—really seen her—not just her naked body, but Cass Little in complete surrender mode.

Not something I’ll get enough of easily, although I might have to, because I will never be able to reciprocate that particular flavor of vulnerability.

“Big spoon or little spoon?” I ask.

“You’d think, with this body, I’d be the outer spoon?—”

I bring a finger to her lips to silence her. “Now that we’re in bed together, I will no longer accept you talking about your body in a deprecating way.”

“Hm,” Cass says. “Is that a glimpse of the bossy professor I just caught?” She arches up her blond eyebrows. “I just meant that I’m taller than you.”

I’ll never know whether that’s actually true, but I choose to accept it as the truth because the moment calls for it. “You want to be little spoon?”

“It’s in the name, isn’t it?”

I chuckle. “Sure. It’ll be an honor to be your big spoon.”

“I have a lot of experience with kitchen utensils.” Cass can barely stop herself from bursting out laughing. “Let’s see how you stack up.” She shoots me a quick wink and turns on her side, her back to me.

I wrap an arm around her and sidle up to her. I hold her close and let out a contented sigh. I’ve slept without a woman in my arms for far too long.

* * *

When I open my eyes, I look straight into a furry ginger face. “Meow,” August says.

“Sorry, I tried to keep him away from you,” Cass whispers. “He doesn’t know what to do with himself.”

“Morning to you too, August.” I rub his chin and he leans into my hand.

“He might be falling in love with you too.” Under the covers, Cass’s hands find mine.

A warm sensation spreads in my chest. August is adorable, but he’s also in the way.

I want to look at Cass. I curl my fingers tightly around her hand.

With my other hand, I try to maneuver August to my other side in order to get a better view of his owner.

Gracefully, he jumps over me and I can finally look into Cass’s gorgeous face.

“How does your body feel? Not too sore, I hope?” An inadvertent smile breaks on my face—not a habitual occurrence this early in the day.

“My body mistakenly believes it’s twenty-five years old again.” Cass smiles back.

“How do you feel?” I ask, shuffling closer. “Did you get some sleep?”

“I did, until those pesky butterflies in my stomach started on their night shift.”

“But no night sweats?” I put a hand on her belly as though my touch can silence those butterflies—as though, even if I had that power, I would even want to.

“You would have noticed if I’d had a night sweat, I assure you.” She pushes herself into my touch. “How did you sleep?”

“Surprisingly well.”

Cass bring a hand to my cheek. “Last night was… amazing sounds inadequate.”

“I’m glad.” I’m aware that also sounds a touch inadequate.

“So much for that take-it-slow, platonic sleepover.” She giggles like the twenty-five-year-old her body believes she is. “I still have no idea what happened to me last night, what came over me…”

She did tell me that I was the only differentiating factor in the equation.

“The only explanation I can come up with is that I caught some feelings.”

“Caught some feelings?” A grin spreads on my lips. “Sounds serious. Do you need a doctor to help you with that?”

“Even when you make silly jokes, you sound sexy.” She briefly catches her lip between her teeth. “You’re so incredibly sexy. Is it okay for me to say that?”

“Of course.”

“Do you know what my very first thought was when I woke up?” Cass looks so utterly delightful in the morning light, her blue eyes twinkling and her smile bright with mischief.

“No idea.”

“Where can I find lube on a Sunday in Clearwater Bay?” She removes her hand from my cheek and covers her eyes with it, as though she just said something shameful.

“You’re purely thinking in the interest of science. That can only be applauded.” I peel her hand away from her face. “And to answer your question, aren’t we going to brunch at a gay couple’s house? They probably buy lube by the liter.”

“I’m not asking Bobby and Hunter for lube.” That smile now seems a permanent fixture on her face.

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”

“No, no, no.” Cass rolls on top of me. “Do not give them that satisfaction. We will never hear the end of it from Bobby. Promise me you won’t ask my gay friends for lube.”

“Fine, I’ll ask Sadie Ireland instead.”

We laugh together, our bodies convulsing in unison. The joint glee turns into kissing and before I know it, Cass’s lips are trailing down my neck. Abruptly, she stops and slides off me.

“Sorry. I got carried away.”

“It’s okay. Really.” I reach for her. “It’s fine. You can’t physically hurt me. I just don’t… feel it the same way that you do.”

“When I kiss your neck, it doesn’t arouse you?” There’s the first hint of disappointment—one of the most difficult emotions to conceal in your tone of voice.

“No.” I don’t follow up with a ‘but’ or sugarcoat it. The truth has been too harsh in the past, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Cass nods. As though she senses that she needs something to do with her hands, August shows up next to her. She scratches him softly behind the ear.

“I’m just a little scared to…” Cass’s voice is small and tight. “Get carried away. To cross your boundaries in the heat of the moment. That would make me feel terrible.”

“It’s going to happen because you’re human, but it’s okay. I have a voice. I’ll let you know.”

“And it will be less awkward than this?”

“Yes,” I say, although I can only hope. “A new situation always takes some getting used to, but it will be fine. And I won’t let you cross my boundaries. You can trust me on that.”

“Okay.” She slants her head. “What’s your take on showering together? I don’t want to brag, but the view from my bathroom window is pretty spectacular.”

While I’m not a hundred percent comfortable with getting completely naked—a prerequisite for a shower—with someone else, this morning with Cass, I can easily see it as just another way to show her what my limits are—because the sooner she knows, the better.