Page 22 of This Is Who I Am

ESTELLE

I pack a small bag to stay over at Cass’s. All day, I’ve been expecting a text from her saying she’d like to postpone or even cancel our sleepover date, but my phone’s been blissfully quiet.

I’m a little nervous when I head over to hers because I opened myself up to her in a way I haven’t done—haven’t allowed myself to do—in a couple of years. Not since the last scar on my heart grew over a wound so deep, I feared it might never close.

But Cass has a calming effect on me and there’s nothing more I like to do than spend time with her—and make her blush a little, if I’m being totally honest. And all of this because a former colleague at Berkeley made me promise to go to Savor as soon as I arrived in Clearwater Bay.

I didn’t return to my hometown to meet someone—to develop a crush on Savor’s irresistible chef—yet here we are.

I lock up my dad’s house, glad to have a night away from the dust and the heaviness of it, sling my bag over my shoulder and walk over to Cass’s house for a sleepover followed by brunch at her friends’ house tomorrow.

If I keep this up, I might start feeling as though I belong here.

* * *

“Brunch tomorrow is on,” Cass says instead of kissing me hello when I arrive. Her energy is all over the place. “Although invitations might have gotten out of hand.”

It’s as if she’s walking away from me whenever I try to get close. Perhaps I did spook her last night—in hindsight, I did come on a little strong. I do that sometimes.

“And I’m making you the perfect burger tonight.” She rushes into the kitchen as though the meat’s already in the pan.

I follow her. “Hey.” I try a smile. “What’s going on?”

“What’s going on?” she repeats. “I don’t know where my head is. I barely slept last night. I had night sweats like you wouldn’t believe. Don’t worry, I changed the sheets. I—I…” She loses steam. “Can you tell me where my head is, please?”

“It’s right here.” I bridge the distance between us and gently place my palms on the sides of her face. “It’s okay. Everything is fine, Cass.”

“I’m all over the fucking place. Today of all days.”

Slowly, I slip my hands downward until they rest on her shoulders.

“Sometimes, I think I should just take the fucking hormone pills and be done with all this mess.”

“You don’t have to suffer because you’re a woman.” I only realize how condescending that sounds after I’ve said it. I give her shoulders a soft squeeze. “How can I help?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Her eyes moisten.

“Oh, come here.” I slide my hands downward a fraction. “Can I hug you? Is that okay?”

She just nods.

I curl my arms around her and, immediately, she puts her head on my shoulder and starts sobbing, as though she held it all in until I got here.

I hold her and let her cry until my shirt is dark with her tears.

“Oh, fucking fuck,” she murmurs. “Jesus.” She sighs deeply. “What a great way for our infamous sleepover to begin.”

“I don’t have to stay if you don’t want me to. If you have any doubts.”

“Me? What about you? You’ve witnessed one of my hot flashes, now a lovely mood swing, and you might wake up in a puddle of my sweat… That doesn’t sound very enticing for you to stay.”

“I have no doubts,” I say. “I’d like to stay.”

Another sigh, then she slowly pushes herself out of my embrace. “Can we start again, please?”

“Yes.” I lower my hands until they find hers. “Hello. Good evening. I won’t ask how you are.”

“Hi.” Her shoulders un-hunch. “I’m much better now that you’re here, actually.” She slants forward. “And I’d like to kiss you.”

“That can be arranged.” I fold my arms around her waist again and gently touch my lips to hers. Her face is still wet from crying and she looks a bit of a mess—she is a bit of a mess—and her vulnerability touches a nerve deep inside me.

“Are you really going to cook for me again?” I whisper when we break from our kiss.

“Maybe I just want to see you eat a burger again.” She has her sense of humor back. She swipes at her cheeks, then says, “As a way of sleepover foreplay.” Oh, she definitely has her sense of humor back. She even throws in a wink.

I let out a loud laugh and it feels so good to stand in Cass’s kitchen and just laugh with her, despite her little episode.

“How come you’re forty-nine and not experiencing any symptoms of perimenopause?” she asks.

“Lucky, I guess.” I’ve wondered about this and maybe I am just lucky or maybe my hormones behave differently—or maybe both.

“Let’s avoid the M-word for the rest of the night, shall we?” Cass says.

“Sure.” August presses himself against my shin. While I crouch down to pet him, I ask, “Who else is coming to brunch?”

“Suzy, Sadie and Devon. The usual suspects, really.”

“Brunch with Sadie Ireland. Do you hear that, Gussie?”

“Meow,” he says.

* * *

“I don’t want to diss the burgers at The Bay,” I say between greedy bites, “but yours is a million times better.”

Cass just looks at me with a big smirk on her face.

“What?” I tease, because I know why she’s looking at me like this. She told me in no uncertain terms.

“How can you eat so messily and still look so utterly gorgeous.”

“It’s my gift, I guess. You prepare the delicious food and I look good while eating it.”

“What I love even more is how you have no qualms owning that you’re beautiful.”

I sense the possibility of a tricky conversation—again—but maybe this is a good time for it. Cass has alluded to her own issues with her body a few times now.

“Ah, beauty,” I say, while licking a drop of sauce off my finger. “It’s really all in the eye of the beholder.”

“Maybe, but, um…” I give her the time she needs to articulate her thought. “Put us next to each other and ask a hundred random people who is the more attractive and ninety-nine of them will pick you.”

I nearly drop my burger. Cass’s body issues might actually be a bit too much for me to handle.

“You couldn’t be more wrong.” I put down my burger. “Do you truly believe that?”

“Yes, but you are exceptionally stunning.”

“But, Cass, so are you.” I want to offer my hand for support, but it’s too dirty.

She scoffs. “Me? Nah, and please do me the courtesy of not trying to convince me otherwise. I have mirrors. I know what I look like.”

“Are you having another mood swing?” I’ve been so busy devouring my delicious burger, I hadn’t noticed she barely touched hers.

“I’m having a bad day full of insecurity.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry.”

“Because I’m staying over?”

“Because I’m afraid that as soon as I take off one layer of clothing, you’ll be out of here.”

“Okay.” I rise. “Let me just clean up, then come with me.” I head into the kitchen and wash my hands.

I will happily give up the remainder of my burger to make Cass feel better about herself.

“Come.” I reach out my hand to her. She takes it.

I guide us to the nearest mirror. I stand next to her as we look into it together.

“Let me tell you what I see.” I hold on to her hand.

“Look into those gorgeous blue eyes,” I say.

“I’ve done it a couple of times and the only outcome was that I couldn’t stop kissing you.

” I bump my hip lightly against hers. A smile tugs at her lips, but is not ready to break through yet.

“And those lips. Phew. Again, can’t stop kissing them.

” I let go of her hand and bring mine to the side of her hip.

“And guess what? Women have curves. We’ve always had them.

Some more than others, but there’s nothing wrong with curves.

In fact, I like curves because they’re soft and womanly and who doesn’t like that? ”

“You’re very sweet.” She leans into me a fraction. “But I can’t help but wonder whether my physical appearance is even important to you.” Her eyes find mine in the mirror. “I hope that’s not insulting. It’s not my intention, but… it’s another one of those pesky questions running riot in my head.”

“Oh, Cass.” My body and I haven’t always seen eye to eye, but even when I couldn’t possibly understand it, I never hated it the way Cass seems to hate hers.

I hold her gaze in the mirror. “I think you’re beautiful.

I love how tall you are. I love how you march around in your kitchen.

I love your whole vibe and the confident way you carry yourself.

” Which seems to have totally slipped away for now, but she really is having a terrible day, that much is obvious.

“Thank you.” Her voice is so soft, I can barely make it out. “I do know what I’m doing,” she continues. “I’m pushing you away because I’m scared.”

“Trust me, no one understands that better than me.”

“You do?” We keep standing like that, our eyes glued to each other in the reflection of the mirror.

“Fuck yeah, Cass. I’m aware that I’m ‘conventionally attractive’, whatever that even means.

I know what people see when they look at me—a tall Black woman with good cheekbones and great hair.

But the number of times I’ve been told I’m beautiful will never make up for all the times I’ve failed at relationships.

For all the times I’ve had my heart broken for not being enough.

In the end, it doesn’t mean anything, because it has never gotten me what I really wanted.

” I lean my head against her shoulder, relishing in how strong it feels.

“Which is?” Cass curves her arm around my waist.

“Pretty much the same as everyone else.” I lean into her embrace.

“A loving, respectful, long-term relationship with someone who accepts me for who I am.” I can’t hold her gaze.

“Maybe it’s too much to ask of someone else.

After all, it took me a few decades to fully understand and accept myself.

To ask that of another person might simply be… too much.”

“No, please, don’t lose your faith in love.

There’s so much about you to adore.” Her grasp on my waist tightens.

“Do you want me to list all the things I like about you or are we getting too cheesy too quickly?” Her body shakes against mine as she laughs.

“Fuck, Estelle. You’re so kind and patient and understanding. ”

“Not to mention very good at eating burgers.” I turn in her embrace and look Cass in the eye again.

“And I just committed the worst sin a chef can commit. I let your food go cold.” She slants her head. “Let me make you another burger.”

“Why don’t you kiss me instead?” I say, hoping that Cass will let me stay. I’d like the comfort of sleeping in her arms tonight—sometimes it feels like an emotional luxury I can no longer afford.

She closes the distance between us and kisses me deeply.