Page 20 of This Is Who I Am

ESTELLE

When I walk along the beach, my gaze keeps being pulled to the building on the edge of the cliff.

To Savor. It’s Thursday afternoon and Cass and I have texted back and forth a bit, mostly to confirm my standing booking on Friday evening, but I can tell from the brevity and timing of her texts that she’s busy, which makes perfect sense for someone running a restaurant.

I’ve only tasted the output of her efforts, but Cass must put in a lot of energy, time, and skill to produce dishes like that.

Still, as though it’s the only place they want to go, my feet carry me toward Savor. I want to see Cass. In private as opposed to walking into a full restaurant tomorrow, with her hidden away in the kitchen.

I text her as I approach, asking if she has a minute.

A minute for what? ;-)

She texts back, instantaneously this time. Maybe despite being busy, she has missed me, too.

I send back:

Step outside to find out

I wait for her on the deck of the restaurant, my gaze trained on the door. When it opens and Cass emerges, wiping her hands on her apron, my treacherous, hopeful heart skips a beat. Cass always walks with purpose and when that purpose is me, it makes me feel extra special.

“What’s the emergency?” She keeps a respectable distance, as though not wanting to encroach on my personal space.

“This.” I open my arms to her.

A smile breaks on her face. She’s stunning when she smiles like that and my silly little heart hammers a little harder in my chest. Cass walks straight into my embrace and I wrap my arms around her.

Her body is warm and she smells of something I can’t decipher—probably a new dish she’s working on with an ingredient I’ve never heard of.

Her arms curve around my waist and I nuzzle my nose against the soft skin of her neck.

“I know you’re busy,” I whisper. “But I couldn’t wait until tomorrow evening.”

“I’m glad you came,” she whispers back. “You’re always welcome here.”

I pull back from our embrace so I can look into her dreamy eyes. “I didn’t just come for a hug,” I say.

“What else are you here for?” She sinks her teeth into her bottom lip. “I’m sure Gus would be delighted to see you again. He told me your cheek rubs are out of this world.”

I chuckle as I touch the place where her jaw curves into her neck—that little hollow that feels like it was made for this exact kind of tenderness.

Cass is taller than me, which means I have to reach up when we’re this close. It does something to me—arches my neck and leaves me exposed in a way that feels a bit like surrender.

She seems more than eager to meet me halfway. The space between us tightens, heavy with the kind of tension that only exists right before a kiss.

I kiss her, and instead of racing, my heart slows—like it knows something I haven’t caught up to yet.

I kiss her and my crush on her deepens. Her tongue is soft and her lips warm as they meet mine again and again.

Each time our lips touch, it’s a little different—more pressure, a shift in angle, something small that makes it better than the last. She pulls me even closer and moans into my mouth again.

Being with Cass makes me feel like everything will be all right. And isn’t that one of the best feelings there is? Maybe safety is the most underrated kind of intimacy.

My hand moves to the small of her back. I smile against her mouth, as if to say how unexpected this is. How, every now and then, the universe manages to get something right.

An adventurous seagull careens right by our heads, pulling us from our divine kiss.

“Now I’m extra glad you came.” Cass says. “I’m sorry I don’t have a lot of time on weekdays, but I promise I’ll be all yours this weekend.”

“Don’t apologize for that.” I tug at her apron.

“I love that you’re a chef.” Maybe I shouldn’t have said something silly like ‘food is my sex’, but I can’t unsay it, and it no longer matters because I’m standing here with Cass, the sky behind her as blue as her eyes, the ocean wild and beautiful next to us. “I can’t wait for tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait to see you in my restaurant.” She grins at me. “It looks different with you in it.”

We giggle like lovestruck teenagers. That’s kind of how I feel.

Compared to when I arrived in Clearwater Bay a few weeks ago, exhausted and grieving and having no idea what to do with myself, being with Cass makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.

Like I can do anything I damn well please.

Brand-new energy flows through my muscles and there’s a dizziness in my blood.

I might as well admit it to myself. I’m already falling in love with her.

Usually, I’d be more careful, but after what I’ve been through, the distraction is very welcome.

“I’ll let you get back to work.” I thread my fingers through hers, not quite ready to let her go back inside. “I wouldn’t want to be the cause of a less-than-perfect carrot on someone’s plate.”

“That would be a disaster.” Cass shuffles her feet, not ready to go yet either, it seems. “Hey, um, tomorrow, after your meal, will you stay a while? Have a post-service drink with me?”

“It would be my pleasure.”

“Great.” Her cheeks pink up. For a second, I fear for another hot flash, but perhaps it’s just infatuation—like what I have burning inside of me. “I look forward to it.”

The door of the restaurant flies open. “Boss,” a young woman shouts. “We need your opinion.”

“I’ll be right there, Kelly.”

“Sorry, Cass. I didn’t know you had company. Take your time.” The woman swiftly closes the door behind her.

“Go.” Before I drop her hand, I plant a delicate kiss on the inside of her wrists. “Do your thing and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Deal.” She pecks me ever so lightly on the cheek and heads back inside.

* * *

On my way home, I linger by The Bay, perhaps hoping to run into Devon again.

I looked up her website and while life coaching wouldn’t ordinarily be my thing, I really enjoyed our brief conversation earlier this week.

But the waves are high and rough today and there’s not a soul in the water.

I’m contemplating an espresso when a buff Black man starts waving at me from the deck of The Bay.

“Estelle?” he calls, waving like we’ve known each other for years.

“Um, yes.” I approach him. “That’s me.”

“I didn’t mean to startle you.” He flashes me a wide grin. “I’m Bobby, a good friend of Cass’s.” His grin grows even wider. “She told me about you a few days ago. I’ve been keen to run into you.”

There’s forward, and then there’s Bobby. “Okay.” But he’s Cass’s friend, so I’m naturally interested in him. “I was just contemplating a coffee.”

“Then by all means, join me.” He makes a show of pulling back a chair and making sure I’m comfortably seated.

We order double espressos—“Why have a single when you can have a double?” Bobby states matter-of-factly—and then I’m alone with this man who, instantly, makes me feel at ease while also making me miss my friends back home.

“So, you’re the mysterious Estelle.” Bobby doesn’t have a hair left on his head but his eyebrows are very impressive when he waggles them like that.

“My husband and I went to dinner at Savor on Tuesday and she told us all about you. Girl, I’m telling you, Mama Cass was glowing as if she’d just won a Michelin star.

” He bats his lashes now. I’ve only known him a few minutes but I’m already thoroughly entertained.

And I’m beside myself with what he says about Cass.

I soon learn that Bobby is the kind of guy who only needs a small nod of the head from his so-called conversation partner to carry on a monologue. His personality seems almost too much for a town like Clearwater Bay.

“I’m sorry to hear about your father passing away.” Apparently, he also has the gift to say the right thing in the appropriate tone of voice. By the time our espressos arrive, I’m already rather fond of him.

His eyes are warm and kind when he peers at me over the rim of his tiny cup.

“By the way.” He puts his drink down. “Cass probably didn’t tell you, but you’re invited to brunch at ours next Sunday.”

“Is that so?” I’ve barely spoken to Cass, but I doubt she would spring this on me last-minute.

“I get it if you two have better things to do on a Sunday morning, but even middle-aged ladies need to eat, right?”

I have to laugh, because calling someone a middle-aged lady ten minutes after meeting them is very bold, indeed.

“Not that you look a day over thirty-nine,” he says. “Cass was right. You are extremely H.O.T.” He actually fans his face with his fingers.

“Thank you.” Bobby is hardly the first flamboyant, loud-mouthed gay man I’ve met in my life. Playing along can be rather fun. “This middle-aged lady takes that as a B.I.G. compliment.”

“We love Cassie.” His demeanor shifts into a more subtle range.

“Ever since Sarah, she’s been struggling.

” He—finally—pauses for a breath. “So, Estelle, tell me all about yourself.” He all but drums his fingers on the table—maybe a double shot of caffeine wasn’t the best idea for someone with his puppy dog energy.

I give him the broad strokes of the past few months, only touching on my burnout, and ending with that night at Savor when Cass believed I was a restaurant critic.

“Cass said you might stick around a while?”

“I don’t know. Everything’s kind of up in the air right now.”

“Yeah, I get it.” His turbocharged energy has tamped down considerably. “I do miss San Francisco sometimes, but this is a great town. Lots of lovely people. Lots of romantic beach walks. Both Sadie and Sam Ireland live here.”

“Sam Ireland?”

“Sadie’s hot twin brother.” There go the eyebrows again. “Not that he would be of much interest to you.”

“How long have you lived here?” I ask. Moving back to Clearwater Bay was never my intention, but I don’t have much inclination to go back to Berkeley either—and I do own a house here, no matter how old and shabby it is.

“Almost six years.” Bobby whistles through his teeth. “God.” He shakes his head as though he can’t quite believe it himself. “That’s what happens when you fall in love with Sadie Ireland’s wife’s baby daddy.”

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that, please?”

“Oh, it’s complicated, all right.” His face softens with all the love he has for the people he just mentioned. “My husband, Hunter, has a child with Devon, Sadie’s wife.” Glee lights up his eyes. “I know, it sounds like a really bad soap opera, but it’s actually quite fun.”

“I met Finn the other day. So he’s your husband’s son.”

“My stepson.” There’s definitely more than a hint of pride in his voice.

“Lovely kid. He’s ten now and absolutely hilarious.

We’re thick as thieves.” He leans back in his chair and slings one leg over the other.

“And when we’ve had enough of him for the day, we just tell him to go next door, where Devon and Sadie live. ” He grins. “Just kidding. Sort of.”

“Sounds like you all get along.”

“Yeah.” He nods slowly. “Obviously it’s not all sunshine and roses all the time, but we have a great community here.”

“What do you do?”

“I make wooden furniture.” He wiggles his fingers as though he’s itching to sand down some wood right now. “I know I don’t look it, but I’m very good with my hands.”

“What do you mean, you don’t look it?” I beam him my warmest smile.

“I’m as camp as they come, but I make a mean fucking chair, girl.” He cocks his head. “If you come to brunch at our house, you can sit on one of them.”

“I’ll talk to Cass. I promise.”

“Good. I look forward to it.” He sits up straight. “I wish I could stay, but I was on my way to pick up Finn from his grandma’s. I’m on stepdaddy duty.” He rises. “But I sure hope to see you soon, Estelle.”

I watch Bobby for a while as he walks off along the boardwalk and consider everything he said. Cass has some really nice friends in this town and if, somehow, I do decide to linger on, I wouldn’t mind getting to know them all better.

But it’s still very early days for all of that.