Page 15 of This Is Who I Am

CASS

There it is again. I lean closer to the mirror, tilting my chin to the light, my fingers searching for the offending strand—a single hair sprouting defiantly from a spot it has no business being.

I pluck it quickly, wincing more out of frustration than pain.

It’s not the first time I’ve found one there, but this morning, it feels like a personal attack.

Because I can’t help but wonder whether Estelle noticed it last night—when she kissed me.

Luckily, I have no time to reminisce further—I’ve done enough of that already during the night, my body blowing hot and cold like never before—because Suzy’s coming over for lunch.

I wait for her in Savor’s kitchen, laying out the ingredients I will need for this simple but most delicious dish.

Suzy doesn’t knock. She just waltzes in, kisses me on the cheek, gives me a once-over, and says, “Hm.”

“Good day to you too, Miss Ireland.”

“There’s no better vibe reader in this town than moi , and I’m getting vibes.” She settles on a stool on the right side of the stove.

I pour her some coffee and slide it over to her.

She waits, patient as ever, sipping her coffee.

“Something happened last night,” I admit readily. I run my fingers along my jaw, brushing the spot where that damn rogue hair was earlier. “I’ll tell you all about it, but first: grilled cheese sandwiches.”

“Oh my god. Yes and yes, please,” Suzy groans. “I’m starving.”

My ingredients are ready: crusty slices of sourdough; extra-sharp, aged cheddar; a bit of Gruyère for depth; and butter, because a perfect grilled cheese lives and dies by how well you butter the bread.

The pan clicks softly against the burner as it heats. I cut a slab of butter and press it into the bread, feeling the resistance before it softens into something pliant.

I’m glad for the time it buys me because while I’m dying to tell my best friend about that kiss, it’s not just that I will be telling her about. I have to give her the whole story—and Suzy happens to be the perfect conversation partner for that.

The butter sizzles as I lay the bread down in the pan. The scent warms the air. I sprinkle a touch of flaky salt over the slices, then layer the cheese, allowing the heat to work its magic.

With my back half turned to her, my voice barely audible over the sizzle, I say, “Estelle kissed me last night.”

“Say what now?”

I turn around and look into her flabbergasted face.

“Context please,” Suzy says.

“Hold on.” I flip the sandwiches, watching as the bread turns perfectly golden, the cheese melting into something lush and inviting. I take a few breaths, then plate the sandwiches, slicing them diagonally so the cheese oozes at the edges. I give one to Suzy.

She picks up the plate, inspecting the sandwich with the reverence it deserves. “You’re such a queen in the kitchen.” Suzy takes a bite, closes her eyes for a second, then sighs. “Okay, I’m ready. Tell me everything.”

I lean against the counter, cradling my own sandwich in my hands. “It’s not so much the kiss that has thrown me,” I say. “The kiss was amazing.”

“I sense a but.” Suzy glances at me.

“It’s hard to get a handle on what it means, because…”

Suzy studies me in silence, then takes another bite.

“Before we kissed, she told me that, um, she’s asexual.” This might not be for me to say, but Estelle didn’t tell me it was a secret.

Suzy stops mid-chew, eyes widening slightly. “She is?”

I nod.

Her gaze sharpens. She swallows, then asks, “And she kissed you?” Suzy seems to chew that over as much as her grilled cheese sandwich.

“Yeah.”

Finally, she puts her sandwich down and wipes her fingers on a napkin. “Tell me everything you’re thinking.”

“I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. The whole evening was so incredibly confusing.”

“Well, then, let’s figure it out.” Suzy sends me a knowing smile. “She’s asexual. And she kissed you. Perhaps you’re assuming that’s a contradiction.”

I rub my temples. “Logically, I kind of know it’s not. Or it doesn’t have to be. But…” I struggle to articulate the rest. “It’s not just the kiss. It’s a lot of the things she said.”

“Like?”

“Like that she doesn’t date. That she’s had her heart broken too many times. That she’s never enough for the women she’s with. All of that, but then she started flirting with me, ending with a kiss I really did not see coming.”

“Okay.” Suzy picks up her sandwich again, tapping a finger against the crust. “As you well know, attraction and intimacy don’t have to fit into the neat little boxes we were raised to believe in.”

“You sound like an after-school special.”

“That’s what it takes sometimes.” She grins.

I shake my head, yet I can’t help but grin back. Even though I know all this—I don’t live in a bubble of ignorance—it’s good to be reminded sometimes.

Suzy continues, “Asexuality is a spectrum. Just like everything else. Some aces never want sex. Some do, under the right conditions. Some want romance, some don’t. It’s not a one-size-fits-all thing.”

I run my thumb over what’s left of the golden crust of my sandwich. “I get that. But I don’t know where Estelle falls on that spectrum. Or what she wants from me.”

Suzy examines my face. “What do you want from her?”

I blink at her. “I don’t know. I don’t think I want anything from her.” That might not be entirely true. I sure wouldn’t mind another one of those kisses—but not before I know where they will end up.

She lifts an eyebrow, seeing right through me, no doubt. “Are you sure?”

I press my lips together and shrug.

“You’re probably overcomplicating things. Estelle kissed you because she wanted to. Not because she’s secretly trying to trick herself into something she doesn’t want. Not because she’s confused about her identity.” She pauses. “Although I get why this is messing with your head.”

I glance at her. “You do?”

“After Sarah, you’re not really open to anything romantic.”

“That’s right and you know why.” It’s really convenient to have a menopause consultant as a best friend.

“I do, but maybe there’s an opportunity here.”

“An opportunity?”

“Do I need to spell it out?” Her tone’s sharper than usual, but her smile softens it. “Low libido meets asexuality…” She tilts her head. “Maybe this is a match made in heaven.”

It sounds a bit like what Estelle said last night. “It’s that simple?”

“Probably not, because this is life and humans are incredibly complex, but you never know.” Suzy leans over and puts a warm hand on my arm. “Why don’t you just see what happens instead of obsessing over what it means?”

“I might just do that because we have a ‘proper’ date tomorrow.”

“Wonderful.” Suzy all but applauds me. “Word of advice: don’t tell Hunter. He’ll go nuts.” She retracts her hand.

I shake my head, ignoring her comment. There’s something else I have to tell her.

“The other day, Sarah stopped by.”

“Really?”

I wipe at a stubborn spot on the counter. “She’s pregnant.”

“Fuck.” Suzy tilts her head. “And how do you feel about that ?”

“I’m happy for her. I really am. She wanted kids. And Rose is… well, she’s a good match for her.” Most certainly a better match than I ever was. “She’ll be a great mom.”

“And yet, it has thrown you.”

“A little bit…” It’s only normal that the news of my ex being pregnant would unsettle me. “It’s not really about Sarah. I guess it made me realize how much I’ve convinced myself that certain things just aren’t in the cards for me anymore.”

Suzy doesn’t jump in right away, which is one of the things I love about her. She lets me sit with my own words for as long as I need. She once told me that it took endless hours of life coach training for her to be able to do this.

Finally, after we’ve been silent for a while, she does speak. “Could it be that Sarah’s pregnancy is reminding you of the version of yourself who wanted to make things work with her? Even when you knew, deep down, that you couldn’t.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” I sort of meant what I said to Estelle last night about enjoying my quiet, non-tumultuous life.

“And now, you’ve met someone who, on paper, might be very compatible, and it’s throwing you for a loop.”

I let out a sharp breath. “It’s not just that. It’s me .” I tap a hand against my chest. “I don’t even know if I’m capable of being with someone anymore.”

“Of course, you are.”

I shake my head. “After Sarah, I shut that part of myself off. I had to.” No sex. No relationships. Easy-peasy.

“I know.” Her voice is warm and gentle. “And for a long time, that made sense. But what if this is different?” Once Suzy gets going, it’s hard to stop her. “Why don’t you just see what happens?” She pats my arm, her touch very different than before.

“Burgers at The Bay tomorrow,” I say. “We’ll see.”

“I’ll try not to meet up with Hunter for drinks there at the same time.” She shoots me a crooked smile.

“You’d better not.”

“You’d better call me with news as soon as you can.”

“As I said, we’ll see.” I clear our plates.

“As long as you keep making me grilled cheese sandwiches like this, you can do whatever you want.” Suzy blows me a kiss and then smiles at me the way only a best friend who knows you through-and-through can.