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Chapter Thirty

LAIKEN

I stare at the ceiling, contemplating whether it’s time to confront Nason. One thing is clear—time is not helping him calm his shit.

Everything I do in terms of Nason is trial and error right now, since I don’t recognize the person I’m dealing with.

It’s been more than a week now and he’s still off the wall with his assholery.

He’s gotten so bad that Lie hasn’t been back there in over three days now.

He left his house in tears on Sunday and has been with me ever since.

Giving Nason time and space isn’t helping.

Is it because he can still see us together since we’re right next door?

Maybe I need to rent us a room on Anapos.

No, he works on Anapos. Then Makara. Will it help then?

If we blend in with the guests so we become less of a topic of discussion, will that help?

Or is it time that I finally talk to him? Have I given him enough space? If I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure space was a good idea. It let all the nasty thoughts and rumored words percolate in his head.

I run my fingers softly down Lie’s spine, just as I have so many times before. When I reach the crest of his ass, I move back up, skipping over my hand around the back of his shoulders to hold him tightly to me, and into his hair.

Lie’s awake. I think he’s been awake longer than I have. How can we sleep peacefully when we’re in such close proximity to his hostile father? Interestingly enough, his mother has been dead silent on the matter.

I’m guessing she doesn’t recognize Nason either.

I’m sure she’s upset and disapproving, but I’m also sure that it hasn’t hit her in the same capacity it has Nason.

I haven’t seen either of them face-to-face since the beach, but I would guess that she’s dumbfounded by Nason’s behavior, especially with their son.

Lie sighs. I’d like to promise him again that this will pass. It’ll get better. I can’t promise him a resolution with his father, but I can promise that it will get easier.

But I think right now, he doesn’t believe that. I don’t want to keep saying those words. I’m sure they sound empty.

“There’s an opening at the post office,” Lie says. “I’m going to check it out before the meeting tonight.”

I kiss the top of his head. “You as a postal worker. I can’t see you in their baggy clothes.”

He grunts, making me grin. “Maybe they’ll let me be their fashion consultant. They need some serious help. What’s with those shorts—a cross between respectable shorts and capris? It’s a crime to dress like that, even in hell.”

I chuckle.

Lie leans back to look at me. I love his dark eyes. This close, I can see their beautiful brown depths.

“Can we talk about things?”

My stomach flips at his question. ‘ Things ’ could be a lot of topics. “Of course.”

“I’m going to preempt this by saying that I’m not hinting even a little. I’m just curious, and I’m looking for literally anything to take my mind off Dad.”

I kiss his lips lightly. “Noted. Thanks for the disclaimer.”

Lie tugs on my chest hair, making me smile. “Do you see yourself getting married again?” he asks.

“Ah. I don’t know. If you want to get married, then I’m open to it.”

He shakes his head. “I want to know what you want. That’s what I’m asking.”

“I just told you what I want. I don’t have a preference either way. I don’t need a legal document to call you a specific label. We don’t need a legal ceremony to wear rings or exchange vows. Likewise, if you want to remain in this capacity, I’m perfectly happy with that future, too.”

“Really?” he asks skeptically.

“Yes. I’m not for or against marriage. I’d be equally happy with or without the ‘ legality ’ of our relationship.”

“Huh,” he says, staring at me. I give him a minute, wondering if he’s going to ask more since he’s staring into my eyes like he’s going to find a specific answer there.

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Says my boyfriend,” I muse. “Yes. Ask.”

Lie rolls his eyes. “Some people don’t like talking about their pasts, but I’m curious about some things. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, though. That’s all I’m saying.”

“I see. I can’t think of anything in my past that I won’t feel comfortable talking about. So ask.”

He nods. “Do you regret marrying Denise?”

I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment.

“No. I don’t have many regrets in life. What I wish I had done differently with Denise is the entire premise of our relationship.

I told you I wanted what Nason and Miranda had, and I thought that—” I laugh at the words in my head and how ridiculous they’re going to sound out loud.

“I thought she was a perfectly nice girl, super pretty and smart, so she was a perfect candidate for loving like that. I’m not kidding you when I say that my thought process going into asking her to marry me was right along those lines. ”

“How romantic,” Lie says, an amused smile on his lips.

“Right? So, no, I don’t regret our relationship or marrying her.

I wish I had been more patient. Taken my time with her to see if we were ever going to fall in love like that.

I should have been slower. In the end, I think we gave it a valiant effort, but we were simply never meant to be.

We wanted different things. We had different goals. She liked condiments on our walls.”

Lie laughs, making my lips curl into a smile as I continue.

“She and I just weren’t right for the long term.

For a while, I thought maybe I regretted not following her.

I didn’t make any attempt at all to convince her to stay when she told me she was leaving.

My regret there isn’t so much that I didn’t think it was the right thing to do for us both, but that she deserved to be chased.

She deserved to feel that she was loved and wanted, but instead, I simply nodded and told her ‘ Okay .’ I imagine that hurt her. ”

“Have you spoken to her since she left?”

“No,” I say, sighing. “When I finally processed why our relationship fell apart and whatever, I kept putting it off. There’s always tomorrow, right? And now, fifteen years have passed. At what point have I waited too long to express my apologies?”

“Yeah, I can see why you’d hesitate to call now.”

“Mm,” I agree. “In the end, I think Denise understood the same things I did. We were young. We shouldn’t have jumped the gun.

We gave it a try, and it didn’t work out.

If I were to regret any part of a relationship, it would have been with Carter.

You want to talk about me treating someone like shit? ”

Lie shifts so he can get comfortable and settle in for story time. I brush my fingers through his hair as he says, “Tell me everything.”

“There’s not really a lot to tell. I can say I didn’t love Denise as you’re supposed to love your spouse.

Certainly not like Nason and Miranda, but I’m guessing I loved her more like…

saying a sibling gives a weird connotation when I married her, so…

let’s just leave it as I didn’t love her like I should have.

Something I recognized far after the fact.

I did love Carter, and I thought he was the great love of my life. ”

“Then what’s the regret? Breaking up?”

“No.” I trace Lie’s lip with my thumb as I remember what feels like a lifetime ago. “We’d been talking about marriage. Did you know that?”

Lie shakes his head. “Seriously?”

I nod absently. “We’d been together for a long time, and I thought, I’m doing this right this time. No shotgun wedding on our college campus and honeymoon at a frat house party.”

“Oh my god,” Lie says, laughing.

I grin, nodding. “We knew each other. We loved each other. We spent a whole lot of time together. Took trips together. I thought maybe I found someone I loved with the same kind of wonder that Nason and Miranda have. So when Carter brought up marriage, I was into it.”

“I’m dying to know how regret comes into play. So far, this sounds like a good thing, though I know it ends abruptly, so…”

“That’s the thing, right? The obvious next step was moving in together.

He knew I wasn’t going to leave my house, so he said he’d just move in with me.

I can’t describe the way those words made me feel.

Sick. Horrified. Like he’d be invading my personal space.

This is my private life. My life with Nason and you and Miranda and he didn’t belong in it.

I put off the conversation for months while still continuing to plan the wedding as I tried to work through what I was feeling.

Carter had had enough and demanded we live together, and I…

I said no. I didn’t want to live with him.

This was my house, my space, and I wanted to keep it.

He rightfully got upset, asking me why we were getting married then.

What did I expect—that we’d get married and live separate lives? ”

“You said yes, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t say it out loud, but he knew that had been my answer when I didn’t answer.

He was upset. Obviously. He yelled and cried and left and then came back, giving me the ultimatum that if I wasn’t ready to move in, then we were not getting married.

And if that’s my decision, then we’re also breaking up because I’ve been really shitty concerning this.

All I could think was that somehow, if I let him move in with me, this was going to be a repeat of my mistakes with Denise.

I was determined that whatever relationship was next, it couldn’t feel like that.

I don’t want it to be ‘ we’ll make this work . ’ I needed to be sure.”

“And that’s how you broke up.”

I nod. “That’s how we broke up. He thought that I’d go after him, and like Denise, I didn’t.

And also like Denise, I felt guilty for months after because I felt like I should have gone after him.

But that’s not what was in my heart. Apparently, I didn’t love him like I thought I did if I wasn’t willing to share all facets of my life with him. ”

“Which is the part you regret?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” I answer, frowning. “Nothing specific, exactly, but how I made him feel unwanted. Unloved. I feel like he wasted his time with me when I was clearly not going to share my life with him.”

“Those are your only two relationships.”

“Worth noting, yes.”

“I can’t believe you got married on your college campus.”

I laugh. “As I said, we acted like we were in a hurry. I think we convinced ourselves it was romantic because we just wanted to be together. And we were college kids without money. I promised Carter that our wedding would be as extravagant as he wanted. It’s not like I’d already done the big wedding. ”

“Did he want extravagance?”

“Eh. He was walking the line between over the top and understated. I think he was actually far more understated, but he felt like something extravagant was expected from him.”

“Is he still here? On Kala?”

“Yep. He works on Ceto. He organizes the constant parties. Lives on Keone Reef.”

“Wow. That must be awkward.”

I chuckle. “Believe it or not, we don’t have many reasons to run into each other, so I think I’ve seen him maybe twice in the last fifteen years.”

“That means he doesn’t come to the town meetings.”

“Correct. He’s never had any interest in the meetings, though he enjoys the newsletters. He wants to be up to date on what’s going on, but he doesn’t want to be involved in discussions.”

“Wow. He’s missing out.”

“Missing out on the in-person show, yes. But we all know that the gossip train never breaks. He knows exactly what’s going on at the meetings.”

Lie grins.

“What about you?”

“Well, I’ve never been married or close to being married.

When Cash and I were eleven, there was a movie about friends who said that if they weren’t married by a specific date, they’d get married.

So we thought that was a good idea. Everyone should have a backup plan.

At first, we said that if we weren’t married by the time we were fifteen.

That was a long way off when we were eleven. ”

I laugh.

“Obviously, as we got closer to fifteen and the realities of relationships and marriage and whatever made sense, we gave ourselves a little more leeway and moved that date to thirty. It made the most sense. Gives us plenty of time to actually put some effort into giving it a shot, but still young enough to raise a family if we choose to.”

“That’s cute.”

“To be honest, I don’t think we’d make a good married couple. I love Cash with my whole heart, but I think we’re too alike. We’re needy at the same time, and…” Lie shakes his head. “I don’t know. I think we’d back out at thirty if it came to that.”

“How do you feel about getting married?” I ask.

His smile is soft, and he shrugs one shoulder.

His fingers move through my chest hair as he looks into my eyes.

“I don’t think I have a preference either,” he admits.

“Like you, I’ve always wanted a love like Mom and Dad.

I love their love. But I’m also fine having that love and not getting married.

I just don’t think it’s a necessary conclusion to loving someone, you know?

I’m reserving my right to change my mind about it.

Maybe I’ll want to get married in a year or whatever.

But right now, I don’t think marriage equates to a happy, fulfilled life like so many people think it does. ”

“Good answer. One I wish I’d heard twenty years ago.”

He smiles beautifully. “I’ve come to the conclusion that I can be in love with someone and spend my life with them without the fanfare. The idea of a big ceremony makes me cringe.”

I pull him to me, pressing my mouth to his. We kiss for several minutes with an excess of tongue, as if we’re trying to lap each other. It morphs into a game that has us laughing. “You’re a breath of fresh air, Lie. Thank you for being you.”

Lie sighs, his arms tightening around me. “Thanks for telling me about your past. It’s nice to think about something other than what’s going on right now.”

“It is,” I agree. For this small moment in time, we didn’t have to think about the hurricane next door.