Page 18

Chapter Seventeen

LIE

I scroll through the different career path options Kala has to offer, looking for something that might be fulfilling but not surrounded by people who might think it’s acceptable to snap their fingers to get your attention.

After the conversation with Laiken about options for what to do with my life, I feel a little more hopeful that I’ll find something. Maybe there’s something out there that I want to do, and I just haven’t found it yet.

Dad has never pressured me to commit to a career. I honestly don’t think he’d care if I told him I wanted to be a hermit and stay home for the rest of my life.

Mom doesn’t feel quite the same way. She wants me to work. She doesn’t care what the job is as long as I’m doing something responsible with my time and getting paid for it.

But I feel like I’ve been their responsibility long enough. They’ve been good parents to me for two decades. It’s time that they get to live their lives for just each other and not take me into consideration with every decision they make.

They had me when they were really young. Soon after they got married. Still in college. They didn’t have a chance to live with each other and enjoy being newlyweds without me. I think they need that opportunity while they’re still young enough to enjoy it.

But that means I need to find something I’m not going to hate, which is proving more difficult than I ever imagined. I’d gone to school with the idea that I had a couple years to explore different subjects and I’d find something I was passionate about.

I didn’t get to that point in school.

To be fair, I was na?ve about the world. When I left for college, I thought that everywhere would be a different version of Kala. I wasn’t expecting the hate, bigotry, and persecution just because I like guys instead of girls.

When I enrolled in college, I went knowing that I wanted to explore my career options.

Whatever I loved, I was going to pursue.

Location wasn’t a factor. I’d follow a path that I loved, no matter where it took me.

That’s changed now that I’ve gotten a glimpse of what life outside of Kala is like. I’m never leaving again.

Which, of course, narrows my options. I can’t be a chemist on Kala. That’s not the kind of industry we have here. Nor can I be an astrophysicist or something and study space. There are no observatories here.

Not that any of those had even been on my radar, but I’m aware they’re off the table now.

But when my options are feeling safe and happy and loving who I love simply because I love them, or doing a job and feeling threatened, bullied, and prejudiced against for something out of my control for the rest of my life?

It’s an easy decision.

My options aren’t like three or four areas, either.

There are a ton of different things to do.

I’ve also been told that the Calloways are very open to hearing about expansion options if I come up with something brilliant that we don’t have.

Even with taking half the possibilities of career options off my table, there are still so many things I can choose from.

Yet nothing looks even remotely exciting.

Sighing with frustration, I set my tablet on the grass and let my head hang forward. I’m lying in the backyard on my stomach, hanging slightly off the lounge, tempting it to fall forward because my center of weight is closer to the top.

My feet kick. The lounge lifts a little every time one of my feet kicks toward my ass.

I wish I could say I’m lying on my stomach with my ass in the air to tease Laiken, but he’s not even home. He picked up a shift at a bar on Anapos that needed coverage today. My parents are at work. Cash is still asleep.

My phone rings and I grin. He was asleep.

“It’s almost noon,” I greet when I answer.

“It’s almost eleven,” Cash counters.

“Which is far closer to noon than it is a normal time to wake up.” He grunts in response, making me laugh. “You up all night with lover-boy, punk-rock drummer?”

Cash sighs. “Yeah.”

I can’t help but note that his tone sounds… sad?

“What happened?”

“Nothing. I love the conversation. I love the orgasms. I love his touch and his attention and the way he looks at me.”

“But?”

“I’ll give you a guess. Six measly letters.”

“Still ugly?”

“I’m not sure that ugliness has lifted since it started, but yeah.

He’s at least moved on to ignoring me since the bar the other night.

It might help that I haven’t been back to the bar since that night, either.

I get the whole ‘ don’t poke the bear ’ thing, but honestly, I love the bar.

I love hanging out with you while you work. ”

“What’s Onyx say about Ben when you’re sneaking around at night?”

“Nothing. We don’t talk about Ben.”

“I think maybe you should.”

“In the same way you and Dad’s bestie should talk about your father?”

“Yes, just like that, but I’m going to point out that my father isn’t bordering on combustion and threatening physical violence. I get that my situation is probably far worse than yours morally, but yours is a little… concerning for your safety.”

Cash sighs. “I know.”

“What about your parents?”

I can imagine him shaking his head. “I’ve come to the conclusion that they don’t know how incredibly volatile Ben is, so they’re singing the same ‘ can’t you both just get along ?’ tune. I feel like a loser tattling on him. ‘ Ben is being mean, Dad. Make him stop .’”

“Fair point. What would they do, anyway?”

“Right. ‘ Ben, leave your brother alone. ’ Helpful, right?”

“I’m sorry. Want to spend the night here?”

“Yes. But also no.”

“Think about this—maybe if you spend the night here for a few nights, Onyx will do something about it.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, Cash, but you want him to do something, don’t you?”

He’s quiet for a few seconds. “I don’t really know. I kind of like that no one knows what we’re doing. There’s no pressure. No eyes on us. No expectations. No pressure. This is entirely between the two of us, no matter what comes of it, you know?”

I nod, tapping absently on my tablet screen. It’s long since gone to sleep. “Yeah, I know.”

“Yet you’re tired of hiding already, aren’t you?”

“No. It’s not that. I’m just… afraid of being caught. I’m afraid of that fallout. It feels like we’re walking on coals, and one wrong step is going to create an inferno and burn the whole thing down. We’re on borrowed time. What happens when that time runs out?”

“Kaboom.”

I snort. “Yep. An explosion that’s going to be felt all over the island. Then what?”

“I guess I haven’t thought about what happens after the explosion.”

“Because there’s nothing that comes after an ending. That’s why it’s an ending.”

“I hate that.”

“So let’s not talk about endings. Tell me about the orgasms. I want details.”

Cash laughs. “What is there to talk about?”

“I’m assuming you’re enjoying them. Does he have a rock-star dick?”

He laughs again, but I know it’s because he’s shy. Cash has always been the one listening and asking questions. Not the one telling me about his experiences.

“Uh, I’m not sure what a ‘ rock-star dick ’ is, but since he’s a rock band drummer and the dick is attached to him, I’m going to say yes.”

I snort. “Is it magnificent?”

Cash sighs. “My experience is limited to him only. Yes, it’s magnificent. It’s… sexy. I’ve never understood your obsessive fascination with cocks, though I enjoy looking at things you find to share with me, but… I understand. It’s just so… so…” His voice trails off.

A grin splits my face so fully that my cheeks hurt as I wait for him to finish.

“Sexy. I’ve already used that, but… There are nights when I just touch him and we have no orgasms. I love how he looks soft and how he gets hard.

The different feel of his balls when they’re all, you know, loose and hanging down, and then tight and drawn as he gets close to orgasm.

I love how he feels in my hand when he comes, too.

I can feel the pulse. I can feel his pleasure.

I’m not a poet, but it’s a dick that people should write sonnets about. ”

I grin, kicking my legs back and forth again. Feeling giddy. “That’s awesome.”

“What about the old-man dick you’re playing with?”

I snort. “Cash, I’ve never seen anything like this. Seriously. It’s big. I didn’t think I’d ever see one so big in real life. I’m excited to ride it, but fuck, it’s going to split me open. I’m so damn excited.”

Cash laughs. “Believe it or not, that doesn’t sound as thrilling as you make it. I have no interest in being split open. I think Onyx is probably too big for a first time. I’d like… like my size. Compact but still decent size, you know?”

“You think you’re going to with him?”

His sigh is dreamy, like he’s been imagining the moment for years. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I mean, he hasn’t pressured me. I think he actually waits for me to, you know, do something to indicate I’m ready for something else. He’s so patient.”

“Good. He should be.”

“I know, but… My crush is getting out of hand.”

“You’re not going to believe this, but I understand.”

Cash laughs. “Oh, speaking of your crush, did you see the newsletter?”

“How the hell did you get your hands on the newsletter before me when you slept until eleven?”

“It was on the counter when I got up to pee. The headline caught my eye.”

“Read it.”