Page 53 of The Shift Between Us (Covewood #2)

Chapter Twenty-Six

Olivia

M y nerves grow as I wait for Luke to answer me. One heartbeat turns into two, five, ten, until I’m sure that he’s not going to tell me what’s bothering him. Did what I say scare him away? Did it upset him more than I thought it would? Should I have not told him?

My thoughts go into hyper-drive and are about to start spiraling until his throat bobs with a loud swallow, and there’s a change behind his eyes. I think it's determination or something vulnerable. Or maybe it’s both.

What is going on inside of your head, Luke?

“There’s something that I also need to tell you about that night.”

My muscles become rigid, and I see it now, the nervousness he’s feeling. It’s in the way he’s avoiding my eyes, the tightness in his shoulders, as if he’s bracing for impact. That alone makes my stomach twist.

He has one hand rubbing the back of his neck like he’s trying to knead the words out of himself. Then he looks at me, a pained expression taking over his face, appearing as if he’s been carrying something with him that’s too big and heavy, and my heart starts thudding louder in my chest.

I’m scared to hear whatever he is about to say. Afraid that whatever this was becoming between him and me is about to unravel. I wait for him to speak, and with every second of silence, the space around us fills with hundreds of worst-case scenarios, until he finally speaks.

“When I first met you, I was at the lowest point of my life. Then there you were, barreling into my world, punching a bully in the throat for me. Without even trying, you shined your light into all the darkest places of my heart. Our friendship gave me a reason to keep going.”

It’s always been there. It just took me a while to act on it.

The words he said during our first dinner together at his family’s house ring in my head.

My heart feels like it’s slowly traveling up my throat.

I can feel it beating against my neck as all the emotions swirling inside of me are becoming overwhelming.

Earlier, Luke said he has always loved me, and it hits me now that he truly meant what he said.

“I’m not sure what it was about you. Maybe the way you looked so cute and animated when you talked.

Or how sometimes you let out a little snort when you laugh.

Or maybe it’s how your eyes sparkle when you get excited about something.

The way your smile leaves me breathless every single time I see it.

Whatever it was, I realized that I was falling in love with you. ”

The words he’s saying are sweet and tender. However, there’s a haunted look in his eyes that’s making my chest ache. “You’ve been in love with me since middle school?” My voice cracks on the question.

“Yes.”

One simple word is enough to shift the whole world on its axis. Luke’s eyes shine with fresh tears. I’ve only seen him cry a handful of times throughout our fifteen years of friendship, and seeing him so raw and exposed…it breaks something inside me .

How had I not known?

My voice sounds foreign as I ask, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t deserve you then.” He’s so calm and quiet, but his eyes are practically shouting at me. “I’m not sure I ever will.”

I study him as a few tears fall down his cheeks, and I think he truly believes that. That he doesn’t deserve me. That he has to do something to earn my love. I don’t know whether to be angry or appreciative.

There’s a war playing out behind his eyes. His lips part then press together again, like the words are too heavy for him to say but are too painful to keep holding. “I remember everything about graduation night,” he admits.

What? My mouth hangs open, dumbfounded by his confession because I thought he was so intoxicated that he didn’t remember anything. He made me believe this to be true, but it’s been a lie?

“I had finally admitted that I had feelings for you, and then I kissed you. You had asked me to try to sober up as much as I could and to meet you by your car within the hour. Liv, I stopped drinking, ate some food to help soak up what alcohol was left in my stomach, and as my mind became clearer, I remembered how broken I was and that you deserved so much better than what I could offer. You didn’t deserve a shattered version of a man who was headed down the wrong path, who was quickly becoming like his deranged father.

I thought I was doing something right for you by not showing up.

I convinced myself it was the right choice and that I was protecting you. ”

My mind feels numb as it begins to race in circles, unable to make sense of the words he’s saying. I clench my hands tightly together, feeling the pinch of my fingernails as they press into my palms as a way to prove to myself this isn’t some nightmare.

"But there's something else," he adds.

The way his voice dips makes my skin feel too tight, like I’m about to split open. I brace myself without meaning to, my body seeming to already know this next part is going to hurt.

"When I was about to leave the party, I was on my way to find Ryland, and I ran into Barry. He grabbed my arm when he saw me and told me that you had broken up with him, and he didn’t know what to do. Barry asked me where you were."

I stopped breathing.

"And I... I told him."

Luke’s eyes search mine, pleading for something I don’t have words for yet. "I told him to go find you. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do, Liv. I thought I was stepping aside for your sake."

I stare at him, allowing the silence to stretch as my brain tries to process this information. Luke sent Barry to me. He pointed him in my direction.

The night I thought meant nothing to Luke ended up shattering me. And he remembered everything. He made a choice, and that choice affected my decisions that night.

All this time, I blamed myself for being weak and na?ve, for letting Barry back in when I should’ve known better. And Luke had handed me over.

I try to swallow, but my throat is dry.

"You told him to find me," I echo, my voice quieter than I intend. "Why?"

He looks down. "Because I thought you deserved someone who could actually show up for you. And at that moment...I didn't think that was me."

I had waited and hoped as I stood by my car, heart in my hands, ready for Luke to choose me. And he hadn't, but Barry did, and it had ruined everything.

“That next day, you showed up at my house, dumping buckets of ice water over my and Ryland’s heads, and I had never seen you look so heartbroken.

When you asked me where I had been that night, why I didn’t show up, I knew that I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I panicked.

I lied and told you I didn’t remember anything so that you’d think it was the alcohol that made the mistake and kept me away from you. ”

But it was Luke who made the mistake. It was him who kept himself away.

Part of me wishes that he never shared this truth with me, because, had he not, the illusions I’ve held onto wouldn’t have been destroyed.

I wouldn’t feel my heart shattering. Tears are streaming down my face as I stand up and take a step back, bumping into the edge of the couch.

Luke stands up, reaching a hand out like he wants to hug me but thinks better of it and drops it to his side with a loud thump.

“I’ve regretted that lie ever since it left my mouth. I was scared to admit everything to you. It’s why I decided to hide my true feelings from you, because I believed that you deserved to be loved by someone better than me. I didn’t know Barry would…”

He doesn’t finish. Luke’s jaw tightens, and he looks away like the weight of that night is still crushing him, as if saying it out loud might split him open.

I wish I could react to this confession in a softer way.

I should be more forgiving or have enough compassion to see where Luke was coming from.

But I can’t. The moment that he stood there and lied to my face, keeps replaying in my mind.

He watched me completely crumble in front of him, not even knowing the effects his lie caused me, caused us , that night.

“You didn’t show up, and because of that, I’ve allowed it to completely change my heart, and it has stood in the way of so many relationships that I could have had in the past. And you’re just now telling me, after all these years, that you lied to me.”

I’m pacing now, walking back and forth through my living room. My hands are on the back of my head as I will myself to breathe, to think, to try to calm down. Usually, my natural cure for anxiety is his voice, but for the first time, it’s causing anxiety to build inside of me.

“If you really loved me, you would have?— ”

“Liv,” he croaks, clenching his fists at his sides.

I stop in my tracks and turn to face him. “Had you shown up that night, Luke, we could have saved each other from so much heartache. We could have been in love this whole time. We could have?—”

“Have you stopped to think that maybe this is how it was meant to be? You’re usually the one who always finds a silver lining in everything. You’re the one who always says to trust in God’s timing, not our own.”

“You really believe that?” I snap, silently wanting to believe it myself, but a part of me is still stuck in that night.

“After what I experienced this weekend with my dad, yeah, I do believe that. What happened with Barry that night changed you. You might see it as something negative, but I don’t.

I see it as something that brought you closer to God, helped you rule out some real jerks in your life, and while you were growing into who you are now, I was becoming the man I should’ve been all along… for you.”

I study him for a moment. My eyes travel down his flannel shirt, now crumpled and unbuttoned at the collar, exposing a dusting of dark-brown hair. The way his dark scruff paints his jawline in shadows. How his brown eyes are revealing the battle happening inside of him.