Page 17 of The Runaway

I was at a loss, my jaw clenching as I tried to come up with something to say. My brain wouldn’t work in the face of such ominous vagueness, though. The only obvious thing about what Joci had said was that it involved her ex and refusing to take off her clothes.The fuck else could it be about?

Butwhatexactly did that mean— not wanting her? Physical scars? Fear of intimacy? Was Joci plagued by night terrors or something? All those questions and more raced behind my eyes, but I didn’t voice them. She obviously felt strongly enough to show me whatever it was she wanted me to know, and I wouldn’t rush her. Tightening my arm around her, I pressed my lips to her temple as we walked.

“Do you know what I figured out these past few days, Joci?” Humming softly in question, Joci shuffled a little closer to me; our destination wasn’t that far from my workplace, but we had to take the train back to my apartment. There was plenty of time to talk. “I like you, and even though I can’t pinpoint the reason, Iknowit’ll take a whole Hell of a lot to not want you.”

“For a long time… he didn’t break me…” Darkness infected her tone, making it colder than even the air, and my whiskers bristled in anticipation. “… but he wasn’t trying to. It took everything I had, but he had no effort.”

“Joci…” My heart ached for her, and I reached my free hand to caress the crown of her head. “If what you want is someone that puts effort into you, I don’t think you have to look far. You haven’t come all this way for nothing. I promise you.”

“… I hope not.” There was so much longing in those three, small words, and I couldn’t help but frown deeply. Clenching and releasing my jaw behind thinned lips, I buried my fingers deep in her hair. I swore, Joci groaned as my fingertips rubbed forward, my nails scraping her scalp back and repeating. She derived such simple, intense pleasure from something so small.

“Do you think your dad will like me?” The question threw me as we rounded a corner, and I cleared my throat under knit brows. “My dad loved me, and I loved him… but we never got along. He was an asshole, and I was a bitch. I wished I could tell him I was sorry before Anatoly beheaded him.”

“I’m sure my dad will like you, Joci.” Of course, what the Hell else was I supposed to say? And it was true— my dad probably would like her. “He’s the kind of man that doesn’t listen to gossip. My mom going on and on about you being a mail-order bride that can’t speak English is just noise he won’t listen to. He’ll meet you first and decide on you, not on what other people say. When I was growing up, it sucked because he was always right when he said my friends were using me.”

“They were?” Grunting in acknowledgment, I glanced down as Joci tilted her head into my hand. It was a little awkward, holding my arm like this, but she was the perfect height for it. “My parents did okay. My dad worked for Makovich— a worker among many. I miss my friends, but after Anatoly… I couldn’t face them. They told me not to, and I ignored them.”

“My parents both worked growing up, so we had a good amount of money. We had a pool in our backyard, went skiing on Winter break, and camps in the summer. Caleb was my best friend, but I had other friends. A lot of the people I knew liked Caleb better than me because he was more fun.” I used to be bitter about the whole situation until I realized… Caleb was gonna be a loser. And, what do you know? I was right. “My whole family gets together for Thanksgiving. I’m the second youngest, and my sister takes care of my parents, but my two brothers have two kids each.”

“There’s only Christmas in Russia—Thanksgivingis really American. What do you eat?”Oh, right… Thanksgiving is American.Remembering not everyone in the world celebrating the same events is an active process.

“Right. We eat turkey, and mashed potatoes, and lots of pie— it’s a lot of fun. No doubt it’ll be a little awkward, but my family is pretty welcoming. It’s honestly hard to describe if you’ve never done it. If you don’t want to stay, you don’t have to. I usually leave around 4:30 to take the 6 Westbound train home. And, Joci— don’t worry about my mom. She’s just upset I kicked Caleb out. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“I’m not worried? I don’t care about your mom.”Thatwas a curious thing, and she huffed lightly before turning those big, brown eyes at me from under her thick lashes. “What’sbad enough? What’s bad, but not bad? I can’t stop thinking… what’s bad enough? You don’t want Caleb. That should be good for her, but it’s not.”

“Oh… that…” Unfurling my arm around Joci’s waist, I replaced my hand to scratch my jaw and rub the back of my neck in discomfort. “Yeah. My mom just wants everyone to be happy and not make drama, even if it means they’re unhappy and quiet about it. Caleb is family, but I put up with him for a long time for no other reason. He didn’t make my life better, but he also didn’t really make my life worse. That’s the problem, and my mom doesn’t get that. If Caleb doesn’t make my life better, he has no place in it.”

“You had a girlfriend before— why break up?” Rolling my jaw as we wandered through the crowded sidewalks, I bopped my head side to side at that question.

“Linda just wanted too much from me. She was graduating college— uni— and was planning on moving back home to some nameless village in Arkansas. I was finally secure at my job, and I wasn’t going to move out of New York City. She had the great idea of asking me to quit and find a job in her town, but the place didn’t even have a proper grocery store— it was that small. So, I broke up with her. We were together for, like, 3 years, almost, but it wasn’t that hard. I never really missed her because there was no point. There wasnoway I would compromise with her. She also started talking a lot about kids, and I didn’t want them at the time.”

“Anatoly is evil. I broke up with him on the phone, and he killed my family for it. He got in trouble for it, though.” Joci never seemed bitter when talking about this guy— sad, yeah. Regretful? Yes, definitely. But she never sounded like she hated him. “His brother came— my boss, now. Anatoly will go forever knowing he can’t get me. It sucks for him.”

“I bet it’s great for you, though, Joci. That you know he’ll be angry and powerless because you lived and are somewhere he can’t reach you. Do you ever think of him before you realized he was evil?” She shrugged rather than answer me verbally, but I could feel that I was pushing it with my probing. Ruffling her hair a little, I smiled when she frowned at me. “Well, you’re with me now, and I’m pretty sure I’m not evil.”

“… You’re just dumb, Jacob.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that, and Joci pouted as we walked the streets. She kept quiet, eyes on the concrete slabs underfoot as my own reluctantly left her. Whatever she wanted to show me tonight was going to change my life— for better or worse, I didn’t know.

I guess, in a way, it didn’t matter. Either I’d suck it up and keep seeing her, or I’d be plagued for the rest of my life letting her get away. At least, I wanted to keep seeing Joci until I had arealreason not to. And scars didn’t bother me. Everyone had them.

18

Joci

Once again, I found myself in Jacob’s apartment, and I set my bag on the kitchen counter to stare at it. Inside was a real American phone, with American words, and an American number. I hadn’t opened the boxes, and tension thrummed through my entire body. My heart beat too hard, too fast, threatening to stop completely as I struggled to breathe.

But this was the right thing to do. Jacob deserved to know the truth— to see for himself. Closing my eyes, I took a shallow, stabilizing breath into lungs ravaged by the fire of anxiety. Reaching to pull the shoulders of my dress down, goosebumps followed closely as the fabric irritated my skin. I gulped down the dense lump in my throat, turning to Jacob while he hooked up his coat.

Just do it, and then it’ll be over.That was the only thing running through my mind as I pushed my dress down. I was wearing anything underneath because… what was the point? Forcing my eyelids apart, I almost stopped when I noticed Jacob was preoccupied with his phone.Just do it. Just do it.

“Do you want to—” Beautiful, light blue eyes flickered to me only to snap up, the ring of color disappearing as shock rippled across his sharp, masculine features. My dress pooled at my feet, leaving nothing to his imagination, and I clenched my hands into tight fists by my sides. Every disgusting mark on my body tingled, even the ones he couldn’t see, and it took all my energy not to cover myself.

I knew what I looked like— as if I’d been cut in half and sewn back together. The thick, jagged mess reaching down my torso quivered as a shiver tucked between my shoulder blades. Horrific scars stretched horizontal around my sides, and I couldn’t breathe even when I bent to pushed down my thigh-high socks. More scars. More lines. More ugliness.

The silence rang shrilly in my ears until Jacob’s phone slipped out of his fingers to clatter on the hardwood. He didn’t even blink even as a jolt gripped my bones, and black spots assaulted my vision. Underneath his trimmed beard, his face paled as he covered his open mouth with a trembling hand. My nails dug into my palms, the pins holding my joints together grating as tremors and tension threatened to tear me apart form the inside.

“What the fuck…” The blood drained from my face at his ghostly whisper, and icy prickles washed down my body in powerful waves. My heart strained, and Jacob blinked hard— as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Oh… what thefuck…”

His voice cracked harshly, and I winced when the sound whipped me in the cheek. Ducking my head, I couldn’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around myself. Cotton stuffed down my throat, and my eyes throbbed as the tension in me jeopardized their position in my head.