Page 72 of The Restoration Program

The moment she was free, she scrambled away from him, pressing her back against the pillow. Ryan stayed at the foot of the bed, watching her with wide eyes. The look on his face would have been funny if she wasn’t seeing flashes of that blind, lustful smirk as she dangled helplessly.

“What the hell was that?” she blurted.

“I-I was just playing the game. I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you okay?”

As he moved closer, Nicole cringed away.

“Nicki,” he said. “Talk to me. Please.”

She grabbed a fold of the comforter and pointedly yanked it up to cover her nudity as she curled into herself. “Trust me,” she said. “You don’t want to hear what’s going through my head right now.”

“The hell I don’t.” His fingertip brushed down the back of her hair, and she jerked free of his touch.

“Fine.” She kept her eyes trained down. “I’m wondering whenthatstarted turning you on.”

“Iaskedif you were okay with—”

“No, I mean why didn’t you listen to me? Does scaring the hell out of me get you off, too?”

“That’s—that’s not…” He trailed off and gave a shudder. “How can you say that? That’s not true, and you know it. I didn’t think you were actually scared. Right?”

He sounded so horrified, so hurt, that she forced herself to peek up at him. Maybe she wasn’t being fair to him. This was a first for both of them, and he got caught up in the roleplay. He thought she’d been playing, too. She pictured his face when he had first thought of the idea—the excitement that they both might finally be fulfilled in the bedroom again.

Tears blurred her vision. A sudden sob broke past her lips.

“Nicki?”

“I-I’m sorry,” she whimpered. “I just… I already feel so helpless, Ry. I felt like I was trapped, and that you weren’t listening. It was like you weren’t going to stop, no matter what I…” She rubbed her face. “I feel sostupidandsmall. Can’t even play a silly game without having a fucking breakdown.”

“Hey…” His hand slid along the comforter, inching closer until it came to a stop just short of the fold she’d hidden herself behind. “We’ll use a safe word next time. Don’t cry, Nicki.”

A harder sob burst out. Something cold squirmed in her gut. “Oh… Ry.” She gave a small, frantic shake of her head.

The disappointment on his face made her feel smaller than ever, especially when he tried to cover it up with a weak smile of understanding. “Or, we won’t go near this stuff again. How’s that?”

But she didn’t relax, still leaning away from him. “How—” She brought a shaking hand to her mouth. “How do you even see a future with me? I’m ruining your life.”

“Nicki—”

“No, really!”

Their eyes met, and all she could see was the frustration and pain she was causing. Who he could be withouther.

“Really, Ry,” she insisted. “How can I make you happy like this?”

“Youdomake me happy. You always have.”

“Or maybeshedid.”

His brow furrowed. “What? Who?”

“The Nicole before…” She gestured vaguely at herself. “Beforethis.”

“Don’t talk like that,” he said sharply. “You’re still you.”

“Then why do I feel like I’m stealing you from her?” She sniffled and used the edge of the comforter to wipe her eyes. “Why is it so hard for me to feel like myself? What if I’mnotme?”

“Nicole.” He pushed forward and gingerly pried her hands from the comforter, taking them both between a finger and thumb. He leaned down to look her in the eye. “Listen to me.Lookat me. You had a scare, and we’re not letting it happen again. That doesn’t mean you throw in the towel. You areyou. You’re the same person I’ve loved for years. The same person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Nicki, I still want for us to—”