Page 60 of The Restoration Program

“It’s not the same! It needs to be dark, and we need to do the whole silenced phone thing. Ryan has to pay admission if he wants to join us, though.”

Nicole snorted and tilted her neck back to shake her head at the ceiling. The mention of Ryan tugged at her heart. Even with Darlene’s company twice a week, she ached for him while he worked in-office.

She held desperately onto the appreciation that he could keep his jobandthat he had reached a compromise with Callahan. Ryan worked three days a week from home. The remaining two at the office, Darlene had managed to get flexible afternoons so she could come and visit with Nicole. As the weeks passed, the guilt at uprooting two normal work schedules began to numb.

“You okay?” Darlene asked.

“Yeah.” Nicole lifted her head and made herself smile. “Just got lost in one of the gratitude exercises Burman prescribed for homework.”

“Oh? What are the top three things you’re grateful for, and why am I all three?”

Nicole rolled her eyes. “Cute. You know better than anyone how glad I am that the schedule’s been working out, but…”

“But?”

“Things still feel… off.” Nicole huffed. “Can’t I survive a fatal car accident and just have my life stay the same?”

Darlene’s full lips were touched by a warm smile as she propped herself up on one arm. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but it could be worse. You only have to work when you feel like it. No taxes. Not to mention, your boyfriend goes down on you twice a week.”

“Well, itusedto be three times a week.”

“Wow, fuck you.” Darlene tossed a piece of popcorn at her spitefully. Nicole batted it away and dove to make a shot of her own. The popcorn was light, but even with her best aim, the piece scarcely made it far enough to bounce harmlessly on the edge of the couch cushion. The pair snickered at this.

Nicole had smiled more often these past several weeks. It was easier,better, to focus on that, rather than burden the few people left in her life with the truth. The truth was that, no matter their efforts, she worried she would never feel at home in this new body. She might never beokay.

Would they tire of waiting on an adjustment that might be an impossible task?

Once again, a voice in the back of her head wondered if she was fighting a battle she wasn’t meant to. Maybe Darlene and Ryan were rearranging their lives around therealNicole, and they would sour one day upon realizing she was merely a stale copy.

No, Nicole thought viciously. That’s ridiculous. I am me.

Darlene’s voice, though soft, was enough to jar her from her wandering thoughts. The gentle furrow between Darlene’s brows made the guilt fester. “I know that look. You’re miles away. What’s going through your head?”

Nicole did her best impression of not-existential. “It’s just little things now. Dumb things.”

“Like what?”

“I was doing my hair this morning and realized I missed throwing on a little eyeliner.” She chewed on her lip, raising a hand to touch her perfect, bare cheek. “I miss it a lot, actually. Just… having that choice.”

“Well, why don’t you? You still have makeup from before, right?”

“I feel weird asking Ryan to get it out for me. I mean, it’s not like I’m going out anywhere except the meetings, and no one’s really dolling themselves up there.”

Darlene clicked her tongue and leaned over to grab her purse from the floor beside the couch.

“I just got a new crème blush you would look amazing in.”

“Darlene, don’t worry about it.”

“Just for fun,” Darlene practically pleaded. “There’s no shame in wanting to switch up your look from time to time.”

When Darlene began pulling out her makeup bag, Nicole almost spoke up again to stop her. It was such a minor thing, she couldn’t help but feel self-conscious. Everyone was so desperate to please her, it was sickening. Then again, that crème blushwouldlook absolutely dewy on her skin tone.

Darlene moved from the couch to sit on the carpet in front of the coffee table. She dug more items from her bag to open and set out: a tube of cherry red lipstick, a small eyeshadow palette, a single makeup wipe, and a compact mirror.

“There you go.” Darlene plucked up a big, fluffy brush from her bag and shook her head. “You’ll have to work with your fingers for a lot of it, I guess, unless you’re going for the clown look.”

Nicole stared at the spread before her. She thought she had gotten used to things being much bigger than they should, but she still needed to recalibrate each time she saw something new. Lipsticks weren’t supposed to be as high as her knee. Compact mirrors weren’t supposed to be vanities.