Page 24
CHAPTER 24
GUNNAR
T he next three days on the road are pure torture.
I think about Cassie and what transpired during every waking hour. Every time I close my eyes to sleep, all I see is the pain I caused her reflecting back at me in those pale eyes of hers. I’m miserable and I only have myself to blame for the emptiness I feel inside. The way I treated her was unacceptable. I’m ashamed and embarrassed at how I handled Izzy finding her in my bed. I’ve tried to apologize to her numerous times, but she won’t take my calls and when I text her, it’s one-word answers. Even when I call for Izzy and ask Cassie to stay on the line afterward, she tells me unless it’s related to Izzy, there’s nothing for us to discuss. Her dismissive behavior puts me in a foul mood and everyone is in my path of irritability.
“It’s the nanny, isn’t it?” Diesel asks while we’re all on the field, stretching. Tonight is our last game on the road before the All-Star break and I’m itching to get out of here so I can try to talk to Cassie in person. She can’t avoid me in my own house.
“What about her?” I snap impatiently, not wanting to discuss Cassie with my teammates.
“Something’s happened between the two of you, otherwise you wouldn’t be such a grumpy asshole.”
“Why would you think that? Maybe I’ve just been tired and off the last couple of games.”
“Just look at your stats,” Kelton James, our right fielder, chimes in and I give him a confused look. “You were killing it your first couple of weeks here, probably due to wanting to give your old team a big fuck you for getting rid of you. Then your dick came alive from the grave with a gorgeous stranger and you were all satiated and satisfied.”
“Jesus Christ,” I groan as the rest of the boys laugh. If looks could kill, Kelton would be a dead man right now.
“Then your mysterious lady appears out of nowhere to interview for the nanny position and your stats go down again because fate wanted to fuck with you and you played like ass. Conveniently, your mom gets injured and your lady has to become your nanny because no one else is available. Hats off to karma right there for you.”
“Is there a point to this?” I interrupt while we switch stretching positions and start arm circles.
“Sure is. You’ve been blasting out bombs the last six weeks and were having career-high games. I’m guessing you and the nanny started shacking up again. But something happened and the last four games have been the Gunnar we’ve seen previously when the nanny has been in your head. So, what did you?”
“Why do you automatically assume I did something?”
“Because Cassie’s too nice to dick you over,” Evan answers. Cassie and Evan’s girlfriend, Christy, have been hanging out and having playdates between Christy’s son, Nolan, and Izzy. “I also noticed Carter didn’t sit with you on the bus to the airport.”
Cassie obviously told Grace, who told Carter, and now he won’t talk to me. He looks at me in disgust and refuses to be anywhere near me. He usually plays cards with me, Jake, and Chase when we’re on the plane, but didn’t this time.
We start doing high knees and once we’re done and I catch my breath, I tell them. “Izzy caught us in bed together.”
“Wait, like in the act?” Jake’s eyes bulge out at the thought and I can’t help but chuckle.
“No, we were asleep.”
“So what’s the big deal about that?” Diesel asks after the athletic trainer tells us to do hip flexor stretches.
“The big deal is that she found her nanny naked in my bed, and we aren’t girlfriend and boyfriend. That’s confusing to a child.”
Diesel scoffs. “Isn’t your kid like five-years old? You really think she’s going to remember and be scarred for life by this?”
I roll my eyes at him. “Of course not.”
“Then that’s just an excuse. What’s really your problem? Is it because you can’t seem to forget that when you were twenty-one, she was ten?” He grins and I would love nothing more than to punch that smile right off his face.
“Fuck off, Diesel,” I growl while I move my body into torso twists.
“Still not understanding why she isn’t your girlfriend if you both like each other,” Evan comments and I grit my teeth. I’ve had enough of this conversation and them meddling into my personal life.
“It’s complicated, guys. Enough of this conversation and let’s focus on getting a win tonight.”
“You’re the complication, McNeer. You’re just being a scared little bitch and might let the best thing that ever happened to you, outside of your daughter, fall through your fingertips,” Diesel comments and starts doing walking lunges away from the group.
His words resonate with me throughout the game and I use my anger and aggression when I’m at bat. I strike out twice but manage to get a home run my next time up. I drive the winning run in and we end our road trip with a win we desperately need.
By the time we land back in Nashville, it’s past midnight. Cassie heads to New York tomorrow, and I don’t want her to leave and not be on speaking terms with her. It’s imperative that we talk tonight.
When I arrive home, I knock lightly on Cassie’s door and open it, only to find her room empty. I go upstairs and check the playroom, but the lights are all off in there as well. It’s when I check in on Izzy that I find Cassie asleep, her arm wrapped around Izzy as she holds her against her body. I lean against the doorframe and sigh with regret. It’s evident that these two love each other and Cassie treats her as if she’s her own daughter. I’ve fucked up majorly and I have a sneaking suspicion she’s going to leave us when the season ends. Who could blame her? If the roles were reversed, I would be gone. I’m lucky if she stays for the remainder of the season.
If she does, it’s because she’s a better person than you are, you bastard.
I don’t want to wake Cassie up, so I decide our talk can wait until the morning. I close the door gently behind me and retreat to my room.
But when I wake up in the morning, Cassie is already gone.
* * *
“M cNeer!” My name is shouted by Andy Stokes, our third base coach. I look over at him from where I’m doing dumbbell squats in the gym. “Declan wants to see you in his office.”
I drop my weights, grab my towel and wipe the sweat off my face. I take a swig of my water and start walking. Murph sits up from his bench presses and raises an eyebrow in a silent question. I shrug, not knowing what this is about but I can speculate. Either he’s going to tell me I'm being benched for tonight’s home game or they’ve opted not to sign me to a new contract and I’ll be a free agent once the season is done. Or worse, I’m being traded again and will be placed on waivers. All options suck, and I’m praying that it’s just me being benched for tonight.
I turn left out of the gym and walk to Declan’s offices. When I get to his door, I knock and the door is opened by Walker Martin, our bench coach. “Come on in, Gunnar.” He opens the door wider for me to walk through and that’s when I see Billy Richards, our general manager, sitting in a chair against the wall. My heart sinks because seeing all three of them in the room together is not a good sign.
“Take a seat, Gunnar,” Declan says while seated behind his desk. He points to the remaining empty chair left in the room. I walk over to it, sit down, and fold my hands in my lap. I keep my facial features stoic while I wait for the bad news to be delivered.
“Sorry for interrupting your workout. I’ll keep this brief,” Declan starts, leaning forward with his forearms braced against the top of his desk. “As you know, the trade deadline is coming up and we’re making moves.”
Fuck, here it comes, I tell myself and my mind can’t help but wonder how Cassie’s going to take the news. Is she going to be happy to see me go or sad? Because I know sure as fuck I’m going to miss her. What am I going to do with Izzy? This is when being a single parent is really difficult. My mom’s ankle is all healed, so maybe she can come out wherever I land and take care of Izzy for me.
“When we traded for you from Texas, we were looking for a player to fill in the gap that our team had. We needed a consistent offensive performer and someone to take on a leadership role inside the clubhouse. We felt those were the two key ingredients we were missing to take the team to the next level.” Declan looks down at his stat sheet, my name and stats highlighted in yellow. The turmoil in my personal life has affected my play and I’m sure that’s the reason why they want me gone.
Not only did you screw things up with Cassie, but you’ve screwed up your job as well.
I don’t want to leave Nashville. I like it here, not to mention being back in the same city as my brother has been wonderful.
Maybe you should retire and stay in Nashville where you can be with your brother and be with Cassie?
The thought leaves my mind as soon as it enters it. Cassie hates me right now. I’ve sent her numerous texts and they all go unanswered. The only way I know she’s okay is when I check Izzy’s call logs on her iPad to see Cassie has been calling her at least once a day while she’s at Aly’s house.
“We’ve talked to your agent and well, we feel these terms would be best for both parties.” Declan slides over a sheet of paper and in his scrawny handwriting, it reads: ‘2 years, 50 Mill.’
My head snaps up and I look between Declan and Billy. “Are you fucking with me? You want to sign me to a two-year contract for fifty million?”
Billy nods. “Hell yeah we do. We’ve been very happy having you here.”
“Holy shit.” I rub my face and laugh as the nervous tension leaves my body. “I thought you guys were done with me.”
“Do you want us to be done with you?” Declan asks in concern. “I know this was a big transition for you and your daughter, but I thought with your brother being here, that you were actually enjoying Nashville and the organization. Everyone in the front office likes you and the players seem to respect and value your advice and leadership. If we got the wrong impression, tell us and we will let you become a free agent.”
I shake my head. “I can honestly say that coming to Nashville has been a blessing in disguise. It’s been an honor and privilege to be here. I don’t take that for granted whatsoever.”
Walker leans over and squeezes my shoulder. “We’re glad to hear that. Our hope is to retire you as a Tennessee Terror. Keep yourself healthy and we might be back in here sooner with a contract extension.”
I chuckle and nod. “I’d love that and will do my best to stay healthy.”
I stand up and shake Billy’s hand while giving bro hugs to Declan and Walker. I walk out of Declan’s office on cloud nine and head back into the gym. I open the door and stop in my tracks. All my teammates are looking at me, waiting to hear what happened. I pretend to look upset and put my hands on my hips with my head down.
“Oh shit,” I hear someone mutter, but I can’t keep up this charade for very long. I lift up my head with a shit-eating grin plastered on my face.
“Buckle up, ladies. You’re stuck with me for another two years,” I tell them. Cheers go up and soon I’m surrounded by congratulatory hugs and high-fives.
When the excitement dies down, I go to my locker and grab my cell phone. Without thinking, I immediately dial Cassie, but my excitement wanes when she sends me to voicemail. I don’t bother leaving a message, because the chances of her listening to it are slim. I prefer she hears it from me rather than the news, so I text her. I call Gavin and my parents on a three-way conference call to tell them the news. My parents will fly in tomorrow to see my new niece, but I didn’t want to wait until then. While I’m talking to them, I feel my phone buzz and see Cassie texted me back. I open my messages while Gavin talks about us celebrating and read her message.
Cassie: Congratulations. You deserve it.
But you don’t deserve her , my brain tells me and it’s right, I don’t.
* * *
T hree days later, I’m at Gavin and Aly’s house, helping Gavin cook steaks on the grill. Izzy and I have been spending time here during the break, relaxing with my parents and gushing over the newest member of the family, Abigail McNeer. Izzy loves holding Abbi and comments all the time on how cute she is. Austin doesn’t seem as excited about his new baby sister as the rest of the family, so we’ve made sure to pay him lots of attention and even bring him some presents from us and his new baby sister.
Even though the past couple of days have been filled with excitement over my new contract and the baby, I still feel this empty void inside me, reminding me that Cassie isn’t here with us. I miss her like crazy and our house doesn’t feel as warm and inviting without her. There are reminders of her in every room and it’s been so unbearable to be there that we’ve spent the last couple of nights sleeping at Gavin’s. Tomorrow night is her exhibition and I wonder how she’s feeling about it. Has everything gone smoothly this week leading up to it? Is she nervous? Does she like New York and want to move there?
You should be there with her, asshole.
But I don’t deserve to be, not with the way I’ve treated her.
“Can you pass me the vegetables?” Gavin’s voice interrupts my thoughts and I pass him the plate with the shish kabobs. I watch in silence as he adds them to the grill and closes the lid.
He turns to the side and tilts his head while looking at me. “Are you happy, Gunnar?”
I raise my eyebrows, surprised at the question. “For the most part, yes. Why?”
“Because you don’t seem to be. You’ve been walking around in a trance like you’re half here with us and half somewhere else. Would that somewhere else happen to be New York?”
I give him a pointed look. “Don’t start with me, Gavin.”
“It’s pretty amazing the things that come out of a five-year old’s mouth.” He lifts open the hood of the grill, flips over the kabobs and puts it back down. “Izzy was watching us undress Abbi for her first bath. She helped Aly wash her and commented on how she was naked. Then she said the darnedest thing and told us that she saw Cassie naked in your bed.”
I clamp my jaw shut, cross my arms over my chest and stare at him while he continues on. “Not that this news is shocking to us. It has been obvious for weeks that something was going on between the two of you. You looked like a love sick school boy every time she was in the room with you.”
“I’m not going to ask what happened, Gunnar, because I can pretty much guess how you fucked it all up since I know you so well. But as someone who loves you, it’s time to give you some tough love. You are letting an amazing woman who loves you and your kid walk out of your life. Who the fuck cares about her age when she’s more mature than all of your teammates combined?”
The corner of my mouth lifts at that because he’s right, she’s way more mature than everyone on my team.
“As for your fear of Izzy getting hurt if your relationship doesn’t work—you’re the one doing more damage to Izzy by not having a mother figure in her life. Here you have one and you’re pushing her away with your selfishness. Cassie is not Tasha. She’s not going to use you and I would be damned shocked if she ever cheated on you. Cassie is also the type that if your relationship with her didn’t work out, she would ask to stay in touch with Izzy.”
“You’re right, she would,” I agree, impressed with his observation of her.
He turns off the burners of the grill, opens the hood, and puts the steaks and the veggies on the platters I have ready for him. “When your career in baseball is done and over with, what’s going to make you feel fulfilled in life, Gunnar? What else besides Izzy will make you happy and content?”
His words are like a bucket of cold water slowly being poured over me. “I honestly don’t know.”
“Well, I know. I’ve never seen you as happy as you were last month when you and Cassie were together. Imagine how much happier you would be if that was a real relationship.”
I briefly let myself fantasize about what life would be like if Cassie was my girlfriend, and eventually my wife. It would be heaven.
“Be honest with yourself and with me: do you love her, Gunnar?”
I don’t even hesitate with my answer. “Yes, I do.”
“Then be with her. We all love her and love the idea of you guys being together.”
I shake my head and give him a sad smile. “I’ve really fucked it up this time. She refuses to talk to me.”
“Well, then you need to do something grandiose,” he tells me and an idea for winning her back begins to form.
We carry the plates of food back inside the house and put them in the kitchen. Gavin announces that it’s dinner time and Izzy runs into the kitchen with Austin. I pick up my daughter and give her a tight hug and kiss on the cheek.
“Let’s eat, Isabear, because we need to get home and pack.”
“Pack for what?” she asks with a confused look on her face.
“We’re going to New York.”