Page 23 of The Perfect Catch (Tennessee Terrors #3)
CHAPTER 23
CASSIE
A s the season grinds on into the middle of summer, I’m in my own little bubble of pure bliss, pretending to play house with a family that’s not mine to keep. Gunnar and I try to act normal and professional when we are around our friends and family. We keep our hands to ourselves when we are alone with Izzy, but lately he’s been bolder; caressing me when she isn’t looking, stealing kisses when she runs out of the room. As soon as Izzy goes to sleep, the night is ours to explore each other’s bodies and get to know one another on a deeper level. I have an alarm set for five in the morning so I can fall asleep in his arms and wake up to go back to my own bedroom before Izzy gets up.
When Gunnar’s on the road, he calls me after his games and we talk until I can’t keep my eyes open. He’s introduced me to phone sex and bought me my very first vibrator that he demands I use on myself when we FaceTime so he can watch while he jerks himself off. That came in very handy when he was on his eleven-day road trip. He’s taught me to be more vocal in the bedroom and to see and love my body the way he does. This is the happiest I’ve been in a long time and it seems Gunnar is too.
According to one of the sports reporters on our local news, he’s playing the best baseball of his entire career. He was voted Player of the Week and I overheard Gavin asking Gunnar one night if he thinks the team is going to re-sign him. My heart dropped when Gunnar told him he isn’t hopeful since they might want to add younger, cheaper players in his place. With the trade deadline coming up at the end of July, anything can happen between now and then. I stop myself from going down the deep, dark, rabbit hole of my abandonment issues. I knew there was a possibility I might be with them for only one season, but now that my heart has gotten involved, my chest tightens, throbbing with pain every time I think this might be it for us. Even if we survive the trade deadline, if the team doesn’t re-sign him, then he enters free agency. With the way he’s playing, there’s no way another team will pass him up if they have a need for his skills and leadership. He’s talked about how much he’s enjoyed playing for the Terrors and he couldn’t ask for a better team besides Texas, but this is the nature of the business and the risk you take when you play professional sports.
Tasha has been calling Izzy on a consistent basis and Gunnar has agreed to supervised visitations when she comes back to Tennessee. She’s been true to her word so far and has enrolled in school to become an addiction counselor.She’s even started dating again and the man is a life coach who encourages her sober living and doesn’t drink either. She’s introduced Izzy to him via FaceTime and there's a good chance he will accompany her to Nashville next month.
My exhibition in New York is now only weeks away and I’m starting to get nervous. The painting is done and I gave the varnish plenty of time to dry. I’ve never shipped a painting this large before and I spent the extra money to secure a wood crate for it. I took my time carefully wrapping it with glassine paper, foam corner protectors, and lots of bubble wrap. Fortunately, it made it safe and sound to the gallery and Michael is configuring where each artist will be placed. I already submitted the dimensions, my statement on the piece, headshot, and bio to Michael, so there’s nothing left to do but to show up. My dad and Grace will be going with me and we plan on making a vacation out of it, doing all the touristy things New York has to offer. Things are going so well in my life right now, but I have a feeling it won’t last. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on the edge of a tightrope, bracing for the inevitable fall. When I start getting worried about my future with Gunnar and Izzy, I remind myself to just live in the now and take one day at a time.
* * *
“C assie,” I hear the faintness of Izzy’s voice in my dreams. I try to look for her, but it’s pitch black.
“Cassie,” I hear it again, this time louder and I feel little hands slapping my left arm.
My eyes jolt open and I blink a couple of times, trying to grasp where I am and what’s going on.
“Cassie.” I turn my head and see Izzy standing next to the bed, wearing her butterfly pajamas. Her hair is all roused up and it looks like she just woke up. At first I wonder if she had a nightmare, but she isn’t crying like she normally reacts when she has one. Seeing that she’s okay, my eyes start to close again.
“You okay, Peanut?” I ask in a groggy voice, sleep trying to pull me back under.
“Why are you naked in my daddy’s bed?”
My eyes snap open and I look down at myself. Oh crap! I grab my phone from the nightstand to see it’s seven in the morning. I don’t remember hearing my alarm go off at five. Either I forgot to turn it on or in my state of sleepiness, I shut it off. Either way, Izzy caught us.
“What’s going on?” Gunnar mumbles in half consciousness. He rolls over to face me and slowly opens his eyes and squints. “Izzy?” Within a matter of seconds, he bolts up from the bed, swings his legs over the side and pulls up his shorts that were on the floor next to the bed. He grabs his shirt that was thrown on the bench at the foot of his bed and puts it on. “Let’s go make french toast, Iz,” he suggests, trying to hustle her out of the room. He rounds the bed and picks her up.
“But why is Cassie sleeping with you, Daddy? Did she have a nightmare?”
“Um, no,” Gunnar stammers as he heads for the door to go downstairs to the kitchen. “Cassie had an upset stomach and threw up all over herself, so Daddy helped wash her clothes and while he was doing so, she fell asleep in my bed.”
“Ohhhh, poor Cassie,” Izzy exclaims in her sweet voice as I hear them descend the stairs.
I’m not sure what I’m more shocked by—Izzy discovering us or Gunnar lying so seamlessly. I slowly get out of bed and make use of his bathroom. I find my clothes from last night and put them back on. I walk quietly down the stairs, not wanting to draw attention to myself and sneak into my room before Izzy notices me. I go through my morning routine of getting ready and by the time I’m done, Gunnar has a whole stack of french toast made and Izzy’s in the living room watching television.
“I can take over if you need to get ready,” I offer because he has an afternoon home game and then afterward, they leave for the road again.
“No, it’s fine, I got it,” he says in a cold, harsh voice. Dread starts to seep into my veins. He’s acting strange and won’t even make eye contact with me. Izzy catching us has spooked him.
“Gunnar, we need to talk before you leave.” I watch him cut up Izzy’s french toast, pour syrup all over it and place it where she sits to eat.
“Isabear, come eat breakfast,” he tells her. She unglues her eyes from the TV and walks over to sit down. He places two pieces of french toast on a plate and hands it to me without a word. He then proceeds to start cleaning up his mess.
“Please don’t ignore me, Gunnar.” I put my plate down and move to stand at his side. “I’m sorry about this morning. I don’t know what happened to my alarm.”
“Let’s not discuss this in front of her,” he whispers before turning on the water to rinse off the bowls he used before putting them in the dishwasher.
I sit down on one of the bar stools and wait, my anger starting to rise at not only him and how he is reacting, but at myself for falling for him. He sits down next to Izzy and starts to eat his breakfast. I don’t even touch the french toast he gave me since I have zero appetite at the moment.
I listen to him tell Izzy about what city the team we are playing against this afternoon is from and then he shows her on his phone where it is located and the other city he is traveling to tonight after the game.
Ten minutes later, Izzy announces she is done eating. Gunnar helps her clean up and then he tells her to go brush her teeth and get dressed. We watch in silence as she runs to the stairs and climbs them up to her room.
He turns to me and says, “What happened this morning can’t ever happen again.” He finally looks at me and his eyes are distant and emotionless. “I don’t want her confused by our relationship. She shouldn’t have seen her nanny in the same bed as her daddy.”
The realization that I’ll only ever be the ‘nanny’ to him is a slap to my face. Why are you so surprised, Cassie? He promised you nothing. You’re the idiot who fell in love with him. I cast my eyes down, not wanting him to see the tears that are threatening to fall. I swallow down the bile that has risen in my throat at the thought of another person I love not wanting me.
I clear my throat and mentally tell myself to keep it together. “You’re right,” I tell him in a calm, cold voice, yet my insides feel like they are burning up in despair. “This needs to end. From now on, I will only sleep here when you are on the road. After you come home from your games, I will return to my father’s house.” I turn around and head to the stairs to help Izzy get ready for the day.
“Cassie, you don’t have to do that,” Gunnar calls out and I hear his footsteps following close behind me. “Cassie, stop!” He demands and I halt right before the stairs. “Please look at me,” he pleads and I slowly turn around to face him. I look at him and I know he can see the anguish in my eyes. “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you or gave you mixed signals. That was never my intention. I thought we were on the same page of both of us not wanting a relationship.”
“Sometimes you can’t prevent feelings from developing.” I stare at him, hoping he will now admit to me that feelings have developed for him too. Instead, he winces and briefly closes his eyes before opening them back up and giving me a small smile. He grabs my hands, but I immediately jerk them away. “Don’t touch me,” I hiss, not wanting to feel those rough hands and remember how good they feel on my body.
“You’re young, Cassie. You only feel this way because of the sex.”
His comment makes me angry and I see red. “You don’t get to tell me how I’m feeling.”
He holds up his hands in surrender. “I’m the fucked up one, Cassie. You deserve someone who doesn’t have the emotional baggage I have. Someone around your own age who hasn’t been jaded by a bad relationship.”
I scoff and shake my head. “You choose to hold on to your emotional baggage.”
He takes a step back, surprised by my assessment of him. “Maybe you’re right, but you deserve someone who puts you first. Anyone would be lucky to call you theirs.”
“I guess that will be anyone but you.” I turn on my heel and march up the stairs, needing distance from him. You’re so stupid, Cassie. You knew this was going to happen and yet you took the risk anyway.
I step into Izzy’s room and find her playing with her dolls. “Izzy, let’s put those away and get out of the house.” I’m about to ask her if she wants to go to the zoo when my cell phone starts to ring. I pull it out of my pocket to see Aly’s name flashing across the screen.
“Good morning,” I greet in a fake, cheerful voice. I have to act normal in front of Aly. One slip of my emotions and she will be hounding me with questions.
“Having contractions. On my way to the hospital. Do you think you and Izzy can spend the day with Austin? My mom is with him right now, but he was kind of freaked out when he saw I was in pain. I think having a distraction like Izzy would be good for him. Gavin is on the phone with Gunnar right now as well.” I can hear Gavin talking in the background as they drive.
“Of course we will and we can even sleepover if need be.”
I hear her sigh in relief. “You’re amazing! Thank you so much. Gavin will text everyone once the baby has arrived.”
“Don’t worry about Austin. We’ll make sure he has a great time. You just stay calm and do your breathing exercises.”
“Screw those breathing exercises. I need an epidural.”
I laugh. “Everything is going to go smoothly. Have a safe and speedy delivery. We can’t wait to meet the baby.”
“Thank you. Hopefully it won’t be too speedy or no epidural and I will rage on Gavin if that happens,” she laughs and I suddenly feel bad for Gavin. He better pray she’s not too far gone to get one.
We hang up and I look down at Izzy. “Congratulations, Iz. You’re getting a new baby cousin soon. Let’s pack your bathing suit and go play with Austin while we wait to meet the baby.”
Izzy jumps up from the floor and screams in excitement. We head together to her closet and start gathering items to take with us. This will be the perfect distraction for me as well and a great excuse to miss Gunnar’s game today.
I gave Gunnar the keys to my heart and he used a wrecking ball to shatter it into a million pieces. It’s going to take time to put all the pieces back together. After today, I’m done taking risks. No more casual sex. No more falling in love. I will stay on as Izzy’s nanny through the end of this season and then I’m done no matter if Gunnar stays in Nashville or not. While the thought of leaving Izzy hurts my stomach, I have to for once put myself and my feelings first.