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“He loves me,” I said simply. “And I think if you would let her, Kimmy would love you, too. But if you keep pushing her away, or if you’re still hung up on someone else, you’ll ruin any chance you have with her. I want you to be happy.”

She deflated a little, her shoulders dropping.

“I know,” she said, in a much milder tone. “I want that for you, too. Sometimes I think about how much better it’d be if we could just go home. Leave the Wasteland behind. Maybe I could finally feel safe again. Be more like myself.”

“You don’t need walls to feel safe,” I answered softly. “And without freedom, you can never really have safety.”

Asha sighed. “I wish I believed that. I’m sorry for what I said to you before. It was rude and uncalled for.”

“I know.” I forced my face into an understanding expression.

“But,” she continued, “I still don’t want to be a teacher.

If you say I have freedom here, then I want to be free to choose a different path than the one I was assigned at home.

I like scavenging. I’m good at finding things, and I don’t mind being alone.

That’s the only time I feel even somewhat normal nowadays. ”

I nodded slowly. “Okay. I can accept that.”

Asha went to bed shortly after, leaving me alone with my worries.

The following morning, I was surprised when she joined me and Kimmy for morning chores.

Unfortunately, John had been called in again that morning to pull a double patrol shift because one of the other outriders had fallen ill.

I worried about him getting enough sleep, but he reassured me, as always, that he’d be fine.

The dark shadows under his eyes didn’t make me feel better, though.

“You can’t burn the candle at both ends forever, Wastelander,” I’d said at the door.

John pecked my lips. “It’s alright, baby. Just part of the initiation process. It won’t always be like this.”

He headed back out into the frigid morning with Ghost. I sighed, still worried. I hadn’t seen him for more than an hour at a time the past several days. He kept pushing himself, doing more, trying to prove himself—as though he hadn’t done it a thousand times over already.

“Stubborn man,” I muttered, then went to bundle up before heading out to the barn with Kimmy and Asha.

It was a freezing, blustery February day. I enlisted Asha’s help in feeding the cattle, while Kimmy went to the stable to take care of Bella. The cows needed milking, which apparently disgusted Asha .

She did her best to help, but after seeing her shudder, I said, “It’s alright, Ash. I’ll do it.”

She gave me a grateful look. “Thank you. I don’t know why it bothers me so much.”

“How about you skim it after I’m done?” I replied, taking a large ladle from the tools hanging on the wall. “Separate the milk and the cream.”

She flashed a rare smile. “Deal.”

I started on the first cow, slipping a metal bucket underneath the udder and adjusting my stool.

The cows were well-trained, so my first time hadn’t been as difficult as I’d feared.

It was almost meditative now, and I narrowed my focus to the task at hand.

When I finished, I handed the bucket to Asha and started on the next cow.

The second bucket was nearly full when the barn door burst open and the howling wind blew in. I jumped up, startled, and the bucket clanged as it toppled over. Milk spilt all over my boots and the concrete floor, and the cow gave a very unhappy moo.

“Great job,” a young male voice jeered from the door. “That’ll definitely convince everyone you belong here. Idiot.”

Zach Jameson stood in the open doorway of the barn, a cocky smirk spread across his face. I had no idea why he was there; we hadn’t been expecting anyone. At the sight of the spilled milk spreading across the barn floor, I cursed, and Zach laughed.

“You sure scare easy,” he continued. “Can’t imagine what Madigan is thinking, bringing you here. You think you won’t face far worse than a little spilled milk before we kick your ass out?”

He was confident, arms folded over his chest, and he leaned against the doorframe like he owned the place.

“I know you’re not threatening me right now,” I said, sounding braver than I felt.

His lip curled. “Not a threat, sweetie. A promise.”

Asha sneered at him. “Go home, Wastelander.”

Zach snorted. “That cute nickname supposed to scare me, cupcake? All it does is remind everyone that you’re an outsider.

You fucking Madigan to earn your keep, just like Red over there?

I gotta hand it to him, you compound chicks are good-looking, if totally useless in any position except on your knees. ”

Asha’s displeasure deepened the lines on her face, and she opened her mouth to reply, but Kimmy appeared behind Zach.

“Is there a reason you’re in my barn, Jameson?” Kimmy said acerbically, stepping past him. “Don’t you have your regular appointment to jerk off and cry somewhere?”

She retrieved a rag from a pile of barn tools and handed it to me. I dropped to my knees to clean up the mess, biting my lip to stifle my humiliation.

Zach laughed. “The viper herself, in the flesh? Hate to break it to you, babe, but dykes aren’t my type. Red, on the other hand, looks awful pretty kneeling like that.”

My cheeks burned, and Kimmy looked ready to murder him, her hands curling into fists at her sides.

“What do you want?” she demanded. “If you just came here to harass my family, you can fuck right off.”

Zach rolled his eyes, unfazed. “I’m here to trade, unfortunately. I went up to the house first. Anyway, we need more PNCs. My father is willing to make a generous offer.”

Kimmy shrugged. “John’s the one who’s been keeping track of the PNC trade. You’ll have to come back when he’s home.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Zach’s lips twisted into a nasty smile.

“He’s not here, watching over his women?” he said, his eyes scanning over me. “Interesting.”

I stood, sodden rag in hand, my chest tight. I didn’t like the way he looked at me, leering, like I was a piece of meat. He looked at Asha the same way, and it made me want to crawl out of my skin.

“Get off my land,” Kimmy ordered, her eyes like steel. “Now.”

Zach huffed but backed up a couple steps. “Fine. I’m going.”

He turned on his heel and left, not bothering to shut the barn door behind him. We waited for a moment, listening to his footsteps crunching in the snow.

“I’ll follow him to the gate,” Asha said, her expression hard. “Make sure he leaves.”

Kimmy nodded, then gathered another bucket and milking stool to help me finish my work. Thankfully, there was only one cow left that needed milking. After Asha left, we worked in silence until the job was done and the cows were safely back in their stalls .

By the time we’d finished, Asha still hadn’t returned. I had a peculiar feeling in the pit of my stomach as we left the barn to search for her.

He wouldn’t do anything to her on Summerhurst property…right?

Kimmy’s expression told me she was having similar thoughts. As we approached the front gate, however, Asha appeared, walking back in our direction.

“What happened to you?” Kimmy asked. “We were starting to worry.”

Asha gave a small, cavalier laugh that sounded unlike herself.

“It was fine,” she said. “He cussed me out, and we went our separate ways at the gate. Nothing else happened.”

“He didn’t threaten you, did he?” Kimmy said skeptically.

“Not directly, but there’s always a threatening undercurrent with men like him. Not used to being told ‘no.’ Fortunately, he’s also stupid and not very calculated.”

When we got back to the house, Kimmy and I made dinner. John was supposed to be home to eat, but we finally admitted defeat after a half hour of waiting for him and dug in. After dinner, I wandered aimlessly on the first floor before deciding to go to bed.

Upstairs in our room, I walked into the closet to put my clothes away.

Unsurprisingly, my side of the closet was somewhat chaotic, with clothing folded haphazardly and partially hanging off of hangers.

Meanwhile, John’s side was neat as a pin, each item folded with care and sorted into precise, sensible piles by type, colour, and season.

I was seized by a sudden sadness and yearning that I didn’t completely understand as I stared at a stack of his t-shirts.

Other than today, I’d barely spent any time with John in the last couple weeks.

It wasn’t his fault, of course. He’d been working so hard to make this place livable again, along with hunting to feed us through the winter and his patrol duties.

And Kimmy was busy right alongside him, both with the restoration of Summerhurst and with the return to her nursing duties.

So far, Asha had tried to be home as little as possible, heading out on scavenging missions daily, and even if she’d been around, I knew she’d take any complaint from me as further confirmation that we didn’t belong here.

And I wanted to belong here. I needed to belong here .

I pressed my fingers to my eyes. Surrounded by people, and I’m still lonely somehow.

Without giving it too much thought, I grabbed one of John’s more well-loved t-shirts from a shelf.

I took a shower in the ensuite bathroom, washing my hair for the first time in a week and luxuriating once more in the miracle of indoor plumbing.

When I got out, I pulled the grey t-shirt over my head.

The hem skimmed my thighs, and the soft, well-worn material smelled of laundry soap and the indefinable scent of John’s skin.

I crawled into bed, hair still damp, and turned out the lights. The bed was cold without my human space heater, and loneliness closed in again like a vice. I rolled onto his side of the bed, then pulled the t-shirt collar over my nose and inhaled deeply.

I must’ve fallen asleep that way, because the next thing I knew, the fabric was being gently lifted off my face and a warm, familiar hand was smoothing my hair. I stirred but felt too groggy to open my eyes.

“Didn’t mean to wake you,” John whispered.

“Where were you…?” I trailed off, too sleepy to continue.

“I’m sorry,” he replied regretfully. “There was an emergency at work, right at the end of my shift. Alan Wheeler fell off his roof and injured his back. It took us a while to safely move him to the clinic.”

I sighed and rolled over, eager to go back to sleep. I heard him undress, then felt his weight as he climbed into bed on my usual side.

“There a reason we’re playing musical sleeping spots tonight?”

I made a noncommittal sound and buried my face in his pillow.

“Why are you wearing my shirt?”

“Smells like you,” I mumbled.

There was a pause, and then I found myself enveloped by his body as he hauled my back against his chest and enclosed me in his arms.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered, pained. “I haven’t been there for you lately, have I?”

“You have,” I replied. “Just busy. Not your fault.”

He covered every inch of me he could reach with kisses, and I squirmed.

“I’m trying to sleep!” I squeaked, and he chuckled as he settled in, spooning me .

“I have a day off tomorrow,” he murmured, tucking my hair behind my ear. “We could go to that trading post I told you about. It’s a couple hours’ ride.”

“Now you have my attention,” I teased.

“Figures,” he said, amused. “You got the horse-riding bug. Anyway, I thought maybe after, I could make you dinner.”

“And ravish me by moonlight?” I asked, batting my eyelashes before realizing he couldn’t see them. It didn’t seem to matter, though, because he snorted.

“I mean, if that’s what you want, I’m not gonna say no,” he replied, and I could hear his smile in his voice. “I’m sure I can power through.”

“Power through? There are other ways for a lady to get off these days, you know, if it’s such a hardship for you.”

I squeaked with laughter as he pounced, playfully pinning me against the mattress.

“True,” John said, “but m y lady’s pleasure is never a hardship. It’s the whole damn point.”

And he kissed me until I was breathless—until all loneliness was banished by the simple pleasure of his lips on mine.