Page 3 of The Lilac River (Silver Peaks #1)

Hiding My Heart – Brandi Carlile

Lily

S ome mornings, you wake up with a knot in your stomach so tight, it feels like you’re bracing for a fall. Since coming back to Silver Peaks, that knot had become a permanent fixture. Seventy-two hours and counting and every second of it was spent hiding.

To the town, I was the girl who disappeared without a word.

The one who left behind a mother, a boyfriend, and enough gossip to fuel a thousand porch swing conversations.

I could only imagine the stories they'd spun about why I'd run and now that I was back, the whispering must have started all over again.

That was why I stayed inside. Or in the small, walled-off backyard, reading old books in the sunshine. Delaying the inevitable.

But Silver Peaks had a way of crawling under your skin, even when you were trying to forget it. Even the dust had memories here. Even the wind carried old voices.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe, after ten years, they'd moved on.

But there was only one person I cared about, the one I’d spent the last ten years avoiding even talking about.

My chest squeezed at the thought of him, and right on cue, my mom’s voice floated in from the laundry room.

“Nash has really turned that ranch around.”

I closed my book and forced a smile for Grandma. "You need another cushion, Gran?"

“Nope.” She narrowed her steel-blue eyes, the same eyes Mom and I shared. "Don’t know why I’m here."

"Mom," my mother called from across the room, "we talked about this."

"No, Ella, you talked, and I was advised to listen."

I bit back a laugh. Grandma's stubbornness was legendary, it was like wrestling a grizzly into a rocking chair.

"And you," Grandma said, turning her glare to me, "you’re no better. Let yourself get lured back here under false pretenses."

"Love you, too, Gran," I said dryly.

It wasn't a lie, though. I hadn’t come running home because I missed the place. I’d come because Mom needed help, or so she'd claimed. Yet in the three days since my return, she and Grandma seemed to be managing just fine without me.

Still, what choice did I have? No job. No home. No future. At least here, I had something else to hold onto, even if it was just familiarity wrapped in regret.

Mom lifted one of my bras from the laundry basket, grimaced, and tossed it onto my pile. "Honestly, Lily. Even Grandma wouldn't wear that thing."

“Didn’t really have the need for sexy lingerie being married to Erik,” I muttered.

"That husband of yours was a dick," Grandma piped up without missing a beat.

"I know, Gran," I said, smiling despite myself. "You told me. On my wedding day."

She’d marched into the tiny church room where I was waiting and announced, without fanfare, that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. She'd been right. It had just taken me three years to realize it.

Mom laughed, the tension lifting for a moment. "Still can't believe Erik fired you because you divorced him."

"Performance reasons," I said, rolling my eyes. "Apparently, teaching third-graders requires a different skill set once you're single."

"He’s a narcissist," Mom said.

"Called them dicks in my day," Grandma added proudly.

I shook my head, my heart aching a little. I'd loved those kids, loved teaching, and losing both at once had gutted me. Worse still, it made me doubt everything about myself.

But what choice did I have? Stay and be miserable, or leave and start over?

I chose to leave. And somehow, that choice had led me right back here.

The irony wasn’t lost on me. I’d run halfway across the country trying to escape the wreckage, only to find myself sleeping in the same town where it all began.

Like some invisible tether had snapped me back here.

Right where everything had once gone wrong.

Mom had needed me and then, like the universe was conspiring against me, a job came up at Silver Peaks Elementary. It was like I had no choice at all.

Later, as Grandma dozed and I pretended to read, my mind wandered where it always did: three miles up the road, to the Last Creek Ranch. To Nash.

I'd promised myself I wouldn't think about him, but Silver Peaks was built out of memories, and every corner of this town whispered his name. He was everywhere. In the fading white paint on the football field bleachers. In the scent of rain on hot pavement.

In the lavender fields that stretched out like a river of purple toward the mountains.

God, those fields. He used to say they smelled like summer and secrets. We used to lie in them for hours, pretending we had time.

I thought being here would make it easier. I was wrong.

"You’re not going to fix it by sitting there," Grandma’s voice cut through my reverie.

I blinked. "Sorry?"

"You heard me." She shifted, bones cracking like brittle branches. "You’re hiding, Lily. Always have been."

"I'm just settling in," I muttered, sliding a bookmark into the spine.

Grandma gave a world-weary sigh. "Keep telling yourself that." She eyed me like she could see straight through my skin. "You loved that boy. We all knew it. Your mom even loved that boy."

I looked away, swallowing the sudden lump in my throat. "I had my reasons."

"Maybe so," she said softly. "But reasons don’t keep you warm at night."

My stomach flipped. It was such a simple truth, but it landed like a slap. She wasn’t trying to hurt me, just reminding me of the cost of silence.

I closed my book with a snap and stood. "I’m going for a walk."

"Good," Grandma called after me. "Maybe you’ll walk right into your future, that’s if you stop running from your past."

I paused in the doorway, fingers resting on the frame. Or maybe, I thought bitterly, I’ll walk straight into the thing I still love and can’t have.

Outside, the light was fading into that sleepy golden hour, where everything looked softer and more dangerous. I tugged my sweater tighter and headed toward the trail behind the house, boots crunching over loose gravel.

I didn’t know where I was going.

I just knew I couldn’t sit still with all this noise in my chest.

Not when every breath I took reminded me of him.