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TWELVE

Lilah

That was the thing about William. He could be so handsome, so charming—and still a complete pain in the ass.

“You’re wrong,” I said with a sweet smile. “The club must?—”

“You wanted different ideas, you wanted to gain the support of polite Society, and that’s what you’ve got,” William pointed out calmly.

Far too calmly for my liking.

Trying to take a deep breath, I paced about the drawing room and tried not to think about the fact that tomorrow, the Count of Guadalencia and the other gentlemen who were still interested in talking to us—precious few—would be here.

Waiting to hear me speak.

Convince them to wager thousands of pounds.

The long, deep, calming breath I was supposed to be taking was taking far too long to reach my lungs. Then I realized I hadn’t actually permitted myself to breathe in .

“You’re overthinking this,” William said dismissively from an armchair, leaning back lazily.

As though none of this mattered. As though this was just—just a job for him.

“Overthinking?” I repeated. “William, this is my last chance! To prove myself, get the money, show my friends?—”

I cut myself off just at the right time, my heart pounding.

God, it was so frustrating to be so—so weak.

I’d spent a lifetime carefully crafting the way Delilah, the Dowager Duchess of Rotherwick spoke, laughed, argued. She was always in control. Her heart was never out of place, her nose never out of joint, and she never lost an argument.

She also never lost her cool.

Until now.

“Fine, let’s ignore that for now,” I said. I was going to be the bigger person.

William raised an eyebrow. “Fine. When you continue?—”

“You’re just going to breeze past the fact that we haven’t agreed on the drinks to be served?” I snapped. “And another letter?”

It shouldn’t have irritated me so much, but my nerves were stretched so tight, almost anything could set them off.

William quickly dismissed the footman who had popped up, giving him a letter which was apparently urgent and so had been sent on by his butler. He glanced for a moment at the note. “Not important—sorry.”

“That had better not happen tomorrow,” I said, throat closing up at the mere thought.

Goodness, what would the Count of Guadalencia say if that happened ?

William snorted with a grin. “It won’t. Lilah. Calm?—”

“If you tell me to calm down, I will punch you so hard,” I said darkly, rising from my seat and pacing along the long room.

This was getting out of hand. My nerves were shot, my anxiety through the roof. I had thought William would be a calming influence, that just having him here would make it easier.

Turns out, I was just as able to snap at him as I was any of my friends.

Damnit, I was better than this. Wasn’t I?

“You have to stop worrying,” said William, rising from his seat.

“Oh, really?” I said, my temper flaring. “Is your club about to fall apart because you haven’t been able to find wagers to carry you through to securing your final competencies?”

I could feel the tension in my voice, tightening every word, every vowel. And I could see the pain in William’s eyes as I snapped at him again.

As his hands clasped gently on my upper arms, my shoulders slumped.

“Lilah,” William said quietly.

I nodded, biting my lip. “I know. I'm sorry.”

“All I am trying to do is make your life easier.”

“I know,” I said again, smiling ruefully as I looked up and met his eye. “And I don’t think I’ve done much to make your life easier recently, have I?”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” William said, tilting his head with a grin. “You did buy my landlord out, reduce my rent, take me to the opera, make love to me so hard?—”

“That’s enough!” I hissed, though I couldn’t help but grin .

It was odd indeed to talk about that sort of thing—but to be honest, it was a small miracle we hadn’t made love yet today. The temptation was there all the time.

“You must think I'm a nightmare,” I muttered, brushing back my hair. It was getting unpinned and unruly.

“It’s going to be fine,” William said, brushing his lips against mine.

The comfort I drew from that small movement was beyond anything I could describe. Goodness, having him meant everything, meant the whole world to me. And I would never have to lose him, never have to let go.

He was mine.

I let out a long, slow breath. “You’re right. Come on, let’s see if we can get past the third point in my speech.”

After another ten minutes, we’d made it onto the fourth point—and hit another argument.

“Why can’t you see that an example here would be better than a metaphor!” I said irritably, glaring over at William who had resumed his seat at the armchair.

I was standing at the end of the room, trying to get an idea what the guests furthest away me would see. It wasn’t helping matters.

“My reasoning was?—”

“And can you please, for the love of God, stop these letters coming!” I snapped as another of my footmen entered with a note for my guest.

My gaze flickered to the irritating letter which appeared and my heart stopped.

No.

I must have read that wrong.

But the seal was as clear as day: Anderley.

Anderley ?

“It’s nothing,” William mumbled, trying desperately to take the letter.

But he was not swift enough. I stepped forward, snatching the envelope from my unresisting footman, and though it was the height of indecorum, I opened the letter.

And I saw the truth. Finally. The truth I hadn’t even realized I hadn’t known.

Parry—

Great idea. We always knew working with you was going to play to our advantage, but we couldn’t have thought of an idea that good.

Appreciate the hard work—next round of drinks at the Norfolk are on me. Same time, same place?

Richard Anderley

“Lilah,” William said again.

The letter disappeared, taken from my own hands this time. But I couldn’t forget what I had read.

Anderley? Richard Anderley—one of the Anderley brothers?

No, it wasn’t possible. William wouldn’t socialize with the brothers who had done their utmost to ruin my reputation—the reputation of my friends, our gambling club. The absolute last thing he would do was speak with…

The moment I met William’s gaze, I could see it was true.

“Hell,” he said quietly. “Lilah, I?—”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I said numbly. “I don’t want to hear another word from you.”

Willia m

“Hell. Lilah, I?—”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Lilah spoke with a finality I couldn’t bear. “I don’t want to hear another word from you.”

My heart had stopped beating. I was dying.

Then it crashing back into beating again, but I didn’t care—I was still dying.

Because Lilah was going to kill me.

Oh God, the pain on her face. I’d hurt her before but that had been a complete mistake—a misunderstanding.

How precisely Lilah had thought I was betraying her with another woman, I still didn’t really understand. But the fact was I hadn’t, and if only she’d come to me, I could have explained.

I wouldn’t have had to wake up in the dead of night, reach out for her, then realize she had suddenly gone, taking everything of hers, including my heart, with her.

But this time it was my damned fault.

I’d waited too long. If I’d told her earlier—when I told her I loved her, I thought feverishly. No, before that. At the first meeting at her home. No, even earlier than that. At the Norfolk.

Yes, only being completely honest with Lilah right when our paths had crossed again would this have been made right. And now?—

“Lilah, I can explain,” I said, jumping up from my seat.

“I doubt it,” Lilah said coldly, as though nothing I could say really mattered anymore. “I want you to leave.”

Leave? Over my dead body.

“No,” I said simply, taking a step toward her.

A mistake.

Lilah flinched back as though I had struck her. The idea I would ever do such a thing—it was repellent. And to see how swiftly she had taken against me, it broke my heart .

“I am a gentleman in this town, I have a huge number of people that I am acquainted with?—”

“I said I don’t want to hear it,” Lilah said, stepping back as I approached. “Don’t you dare come?—”

But I couldn’t stay away from her. How could I, when everything that we were, everything that I wanted my life to be, was falling apart in front of me?

My throat was dry, my lungs were tight, constricted, every breath impossible: but I had to speak. I had to explain this.

I had to save both of us from heartbreak.

“I’ve known the Anderley brothers for a little while?—”

“You think that’s going to make it better?” Lilah said incredulously. “Damnit, William, just leave! Leave this house, leave my life!”

Bile rose up in my chest but I wasn’t going to go down without a fight. Even if Lilah was looking at me as though I’d betrayed her again.

My resolve stiffened. I would explain this.

Because I hadn’t betrayed her before, and this—fine, it looked bad. But it wasn’t as bad as it looked.

“Anderley, the elder Anderley brother, is one of my many acquaintances, and he helped me gain membership to the Norfolk Club, that was it,” I said as rapidly as I could as pain creased across Lilah’s face. “His father was a friend of my father, I cannot help the connection?—”

“But you knew—you must have known, William, that they have attempted to destroy the Gambling Dukes’s reputation,” Lilah said weakly, her shoulders slumped. “How many times have I told you? It’s a bitter rivalry, one you clearly don’t understand!”

The situation was slipping through my fingers. “Yes, I do understand, I do?—”

“No you don’t! Because if you did, you would have cut ties with them before associating with me, or told me and not accepted my wager with me in the first place!

” Lilah said sharply, her voice breaking.

“You know what they’ve done, you know how they’ve cheated and lied and—oh God, William, how could you do this to me? ”

I hung my head.

Because she was right. It was easy to tell myself it didn’t matter, that business was business. That I hadn’t had anything to do with those betrayals.

It was all true. And it wasn’t enough.

The look of warmth I was so accustomed to seeing now in Lilah’s eyes. It was gone.

“Oh God, it was all about the wager, wasn’t it?”

I blinked. The wager? “What? No, I?—”

“I should have known, you can never resist a temptation,” Lilah said with glaring eyes. “Never resist something you shouldn’t have—and you were working with the Anderley brothers. So you thought to convince a duchess to accept a wager?—”

“The wager was a flippant comment,” I said, cursing myself for ever saying it. “I should never have?—”

“I want you out,” Lilah said dully.

A desperate desire to fight sparked in my chest. “No, I can explain?—”

“Really? You can explain?” Lilah crossed her arms and my chest lurched horribly. “Go on, then.”

I gaped, my heart racing. “Wh-What?”

“You wanted to explain—well, go on then,” Lilah said, a dark frown taking all the warmth from her eyes. “Explain.”

My mouth opened, but to my utter shame, nothing came out .

And there Lilah stood. Waiting. Waiting for my explanation.

All the reasons I had managed to explain it to myself in the last few months disappeared. None of them seemed good enough.

In fact, they all seemed ridiculous.

Just friends. Just an acquaintance. Just a social connection.

Just the brothers who had made Lilah’s life so difficult, just the bastards who had lied about her and her friends. Just them.

Oh, God. What had I done?

“I'm sorry,” I said desperately.

And I winced as Lilah’s bitter laugh filled my ears. “Oh, you’re sorry? So you don’t have an explanation. Is that what you’re saying?”

“Nothing that is enough, and that is why I am apologizing—because I am sorry, Lilah, I should never have?—”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” she said quietly. “And I believe I told you to get out. You’re no longer welcome here.”

No. No, this was not how things were going to end.

“You bought me my own building! I love you, Lilah,” I said desperately. “What we have, it’s?—”

“Well, turns out you can’t buy loyalty,” Lilah said coldly.

My love for Lilah burned in my heart like a fire that would never go out. It was her heart: I’d given it to her years ago, even if I had not been able to admit it to myself for such a long time.

There was no point in trying to keep it safe. She had it, she owned it .

And if Lilah wanted to stomp on my heart, try to stamp out the flames, she could try. I couldn’t stop her.

It wouldn’t stop me loving her. But it also wouldn’t stop it hurting.

“You know, I should have expected this.”

I blinked. “Expected what?”

Lilah’s voice had been low, pain leaking out of every syllable. I could see the dejection in her frame, the way her arms were folded more and more tightly.

God, I wanted to comfort her—but even I could see that the last thing she wanted right now was for me to be close.

“I was heartbroken when I thought you were unfaithful,” Lilah said quietly. “And yet in a way, I wasn’t surprised.”

I blinked, frowning. “What the?—”

“Because I knew it was all too good to be true. It had to be. People like you, they’re not as good as they appear,” Lilah said softly. “And so when it all came crashing down?—”

“You mean, when you left!” I said, unable to keep the bitterness from my voice. “When you made the very worst assumption about me—an assumption that wasn’t true—and just ended things, without telling me!”

Lilah’s astonishment was only second to mine.

Well, damn. I hadn’t even known that was deep inside me.

“You have no idea what it is to be vulnerable, and then betrayed,” Lilah said quietly.

“And you have no idea what it is to be vulnerable, and then rejected!” I shot back, the words slipping from my lips before I could stop them. “Damnit, Lilah, you broke my heart and then abandoned it! You cannot possibly understand?—”

“Get out,” Lilah said quietly .

And it was the finality with which she spoke that finally got to me.

This, all of this: if it was up to me, I’d stay and fight it out. There was something here worth fighting for, a relationship that truly mattered to me.

But it didn’t to her.

I could see that. Lilah had given up. There was no point in trying to convince her, no point at all.

It was over.

I rose. “Fine.”

“Fine!” said Lilah curtly. “There’s the door.”

“You know it so well,” I shot back, pain cresting through my chest. “But this time, I’ll be the one to take it.”

It only took me five strides to reach it. I did not look back as I slammed the door behind me.