Page 67 of The Dark Lord Awakens (Dark Service #1)

“That is absolutely none of your business!” I spluttered, my face burning hot enough to fry an egg. “Personal use only! And how do you even know where Azrael’s room is?”

From the bathroom came a low growling sound that I’d never heard from Mr. Snuggles before. It wasn’t threatening, exactly, but it definitely wasn’t his usual cheerful rumble.

[Helpdesk Supreme maintains comprehensive spatial awareness of account holder environments to optimize delivery protocols.

Based on your questionnaire results and this unit’s analysis of your physiological state, you have been categorized as ‘Desperately Inexperienced But Ambitious.’ Would you like to view recommended products for this category? ]

“Yes, fine, whatever! Just hurry up!”

The interface expanded, displaying a rotating hologram of what appeared to be a sizeable black silicone implement.

[Helpdesk Supreme’s top recommendation is the Demon Destroyer 3000, featuring adjustable size, multiple vibration patterns, and self-lubrication capabilities. This model is particularly popular among first-time users with unexpectedly insatiable appetites.]

I stared at the displayed dimensions with widening eyes. “That’s… very large. Like, concerningly large. Like, ‘call a doctor if you survive using it’ large.”

[The Demon Destroyer 3000 is available in various sizes. However, based on your previous selection of ‘large’ and this unit’s analysis of your apparent fantasies about certain tall household staff, Helpdesk Supreme stands by this recommendation.]

“Are you reading my mind now?!”

[Helpdesk Supreme does not possess mind-reading capabilities. This unit merely observes behavioral patterns, pupil dilation, and pheromone production when certain individuals are present. Would you prefer a more modest selection, despite your obvious preferences?]

“The large one,” I blurted before I could overthink it, my arousal apparently making decisions without consulting my self-preservation instinct. “The large one is fine. Can we please just complete this order before I die of embarrassment?”

[Excellent choice! The Demon Destroyer 3000 in large is our most popular size among demon nobility, particularly those with tall, dark butlers.

Would you like to add the Sensation Enhancement Oil?

Customers who purchased the Demon Destroyer 3000 also frequently purchase this complimentary product for a 73. 4% increase in satisfaction metrics.]

“Sure, fine, whatever,” I muttered, just wanting to complete this mortifying transaction as quickly as possible. “Anything else I need?”

[Based on your selections and obvious inexperience, you qualify for our special Adventurer’s Intimacy Kit at a discounted price!

This comprehensive collection includes the Demon Destroyer 3000, Sensation Enhancement Oil, Celestial Restraints, Pleasure Crystals, Shapeshifter’s Delight, Immortal’s Stamina Potion, The Submissive’s Handbook , and Void Pleasure Beads! ]

“Wait, what? I don’t need all that!”

The scratching at the bathroom door had become more insistent, accompanied by what sounded like impatient huffing.

[Helpdesk Supreme’s analysis indicates a 97.

8% probability that you will indeed require all items in this collection.

This unit has never encountered a demonic physiology with your particular combination of inexperience and supernatural stamina.

The Submissive’s Handbook alone will be essential reading for your… aspirations.]

“My what?! I don’t have?—”

[Order processing initiated. To confirm this purchase, please verbally acknowledge the following disclaimer: “I, Lord Lucien, confirm that I am using these items at my own risk and will not hold OpenSesame responsible for any pleasure-induced loss of consciousness, temporary dimensional rifts caused by particularly intense orgasms, or inadvertent summoning of minor pleasure entities.”]

“That can happen?!”

[Disclaimer acknowledgment required to complete purchase.]

“Fine! I, Lord Lucien, confirm that I’m using these at my own risk and—wait, did you say summoning entities?”

[Order confirmed! Your Adventurer’s Intimacy Kit will be delivered immediately. Helpdesk Supreme thanks you for your purchase and wishes you an educational evening. This unit will maintain discreet monitoring to ensure no interdimensional incidents occur during product use.]

“What? No! No monitoring!”

[Helpdesk Supreme assures valued customer that all monitoring is for safety purposes only and no recordings are maintained… unless specifically requested for the premium ‘Performance Review’ service.]

“Absolutely not! Go away now, please!”

[Helpdesk Supreme will respectfully withdraw active interface presence but reminds valued customer that the emergency assistance protocol can be activated by saying “Ultraexpialimagnificent Supremo” three times in rapid succession. Enjoy your evening of discovery, Lord Lucien.]

“Ultra-expia-what? There’s no way I could pronounce that in an emergency!”

[Helpdesk Supreme assures valued customer that the emergency phrase was selected specifically for its unlikely accidental activation.

Alternative activation phrases include “Antidisestablishmentarianism Now” or “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis Please.” Would you prefer one of these options instead? ]

“How about something I can actually say? Like ‘customer service’ or ‘refund policy’?”

[Helpdesk Supreme cannot use common phrases as emergency protocols due to the high probability of accidental activation. Perhaps valued customer would prefer to select a unique safe word?]

“Fine. How about ‘pineapple pizza’?”

[Safe word rejected. Analysis indicates ‘pineapple pizza’ has a 27.3% chance of being mentioned during post-coital food cravings.]

“Seriously? Okay, how about ‘midterm exam’?”

[Safe word rejected. The phrase ‘midterm exam’ has been statistically proven to instantly eliminate arousal, which would defeat the purpose of your purchase.]

“That’s kind of the point of a safe word!”

[Helpdesk Supreme suggests ‘OpenSesame Corporate Quarterly Review’ as an appropriately unsexy yet memorable emergency phrase.]

“That’s… actually perfect. No one would ever say that accidentally in the throes of passion.”

[Safe word confirmed. Emergency protocols will activate upon utterance of ‘OpenSesame Corporate Quarterly Review.’ Helpdesk Supreme wishes valued customer a pleasurable and educational experience.]

“Just go away now, please.”

A shimmering portal appeared above my bed, and a discreet black box dropped onto the mattress beside me. The interface dimmed, leaving me alone with my purchase and my rapidly returning embarrassment.

At that moment, a patch of shadow in the corner of the room darkened and rippled, and Mr. Snuggles simply emerged from it like he was walking through a doorway.

His purple eye gleamed with satisfaction at having bypassed my magical barrier through his shadow-walking ability, his tail swishing proudly behind him.

“How did you—” I began, then sighed. “Right. Shadow dragon. Magical barriers probably aren’t much of an obstacle for you, are they?”

Mr. Snuggles made a smug rumbling sound that clearly communicated his opinion of my amateur containment spell compared to his ancient shadow powers.

He trotted into the room with an air of satisfaction, his purple eye immediately fixing on the black box that had appeared on my bed.

He made a beeline for it, looking for all the world like he’d been waiting for this delivery as eagerly as I had.

“No! This is not for dragons!” I scolded, trying to push the box away from him.

“What have I done?” I groaned, staring at the box like it might contain a live snake.

But curiosity and persistent arousal won out over mortification.

I opened the lid cautiously, as if expecting something to jump out and give me a lecture on responsible adult toy ownership.

Mr. Snuggles immediately stretched his neck to peer inside, making a soft rumbling sound that seemed almost approving.

“This is beyond inappropriate,” I told him, trying to shield the contents from his view. “I’ve never had a pet before, but I’m pretty sure this crosses some kind of owner-pet boundary.”

Inside was an assortment that made my eyes widen and my face heat up to approximately the temperature of the sun’s surface. On top was what appeared to be a welcome note on elegant parchment.

“Congratulations on your Intimate Pleasure Collection! Based on your purchase of the Demon Destroyer 3000, we’ve included our most popular Adventurer’s Intimacy Kit at a special first-time buyer’s discount!”

The “Demon Destroyer 3000” was immediately identifiable—a sizeable black silicone implement that made me question both my judgment and my anatomy.

It was massive, curved in a way that suggested it knew exactly what it was doing even if I didn’t, with a slight iridescent sheen that caught the moonlight filtering through my window.

It looked less like something you’d use for pleasure and more like something you’d use to threaten small countries.

“Holy shit,” I whispered, lifting it from the box. “This thing is practically a weapon. What was I thinking? I’m going to need a safe word just to look at it.”

Mr. Snuggles made a strange gurgling sound that seemed to combine shock, amusement, and what I could have sworn was approval. He crept closer, sniffing at the toy with what appeared to be professional assessment.

“This is not for you to evaluate,” I told him firmly, trying to shield the toy from his view. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be? Literally anywhere else?”

As if responding to my dismay, a small card fluttered out from beneath the toy.

“Adjusts to the user’s comfort level. Simply think of your desired size while holding the base.”