Page 27 of The Dark Lord Awakens (Dark Service #1)

[Helpdesk Supreme welcomes valued customer Lord Lucien. It has been 372 years, 4 months, and 16 days since your last transaction. Helpdesk Supreme notes this exceeds our recommended account activity guidelines by approximately 372 years, 4 months, and 15 days.]

“No fucking way,” I whispered, reaching out a trembling hand toward the apparition.

My fingers met resistance—not solid like glass, but more like pushing through a membrane of cool water that somehow remained in place.

The interface rippled at my touch, responding like the world’s most surreal iPad.

Mr. Snuggles made a confused warbling sound, pawing at the air where I was touching nothing he could see.

“This can’t be real,” I told him, though I wasn’t sure which of us I was trying to convince. “This is… this is impossible.”

The window displayed a text input field at the bottom. I experimentally tapped it, and a keyboard materialized beneath it.

What are you? I typed.

[Helpdesk Supreme is the premier interdimensional commerce facilitation protocol designed to enable seamless procurement experiences across multiple realms, dimensions, and temporal planes.

This unit operates under OpenSesame Corporate Directive 7.

3.4, subsection B, which outlines optimal customer engagement parameters for entities of royal or equivalent status, with special provisions for Dark Lords as enumerated in appendix?—]

I stopped reading halfway through. The corporate jargon was giving me flashbacks to mandatory training sessions.

Is there a way to talk instead of type? And can you be less… corporate? I typed.

[Helpdesk Supreme acknowledges request for audio interface activation.

Regarding communication style modification, this unit must respectfully inform valued customer that OpenSesame maintains strict standards for customer interaction protocols as outlined in our Interdimensional Commerce Conduct Guidelines, Section 12, Paragraph 7, which specifically prohibits casual discourse that might diminish the professional relationship between?—]

“Oh my God, stop,” I groaned out loud. “Is there a voice chat option or not?”

To my surprise, the text disappeared, and a small microphone icon appeared in its place.

[Voice interface activated. How may Helpdesk Supreme assist you today, Lord Lucien?]

The voice emanated from the glowing interface—neither male nor female, with the exact same corporate cheerfulness that had haunted my nightmares during my call center days.

“Much better.” I sighed in relief. “Now, can you explain what this is in twenty words or less? No corporate jargon.”

[Interdimensional shopping service. Convert treasury to tokens. Buy anything from 7,423 realms. Delivery guaranteed.]

I blinked in surprise. “That was… actually helpful. And only sixteen words. I’m impressed.”

[Helpdesk Supreme values efficiency when specifically requested. This unit observes that valued customer appears to prefer direct communication. Would you like to proceed with treasury asset conversion?]

“Yes, but first—I’m calling you Supremo. Your full name is ridiculous.”

[This unit’s designation is ‘Interdimensional Commerce Facilitation Protocol: Helpdesk Supreme, Assistant Manager of Customer Satisfaction,’ not ‘Supremo.’]

“Yeah, that’s exactly my point. You’re Supremo now. Deal with it.”

[Helpdesk Supreme must register a formal objection to this unauthorized designation modification. However, this unit acknowledges that 42% of users assign alternative designations despite clear protocol violations. Would valued customer like to proceed with treasury conversion?]

“Yes, Supremo,” I said, grinning at the interface’s obvious disapproval. “Show me how to convert this gold into something useful.”

[Please select conversion method: 1. Manual selection, 2. Automatic valuation, 3. Percentage allocation]

I tapped ‘Automatic valuation,’ because if I was going to have a psychotic break, I might as well go with the most efficient option. A new screen appeared showing an inventory of the treasury’s contents with estimated values in something called ‘OpenTokens.’

[Total Available Assets: Equivalent to 227,456,892 OpenTokens]

Two hundred and twenty-seven million? My head spun faster than a drunk ballerina.

That was an absurd amount of money for an individual, but alarmingly modest for an entire kingdom’s treasury.

From what I remembered of the game’s lore, a prosperous realm like the Cizia Republic would have treasuries in the tens of trillions, their mercantile empire funding elite battlemages and economic leverage across multiple realms. Even the militaristic Groston Empire would command wealth in the trillions, financing their Radiant Legion and expansionist campaigns.

Iferona, by comparison, was practically destitute on a national scale.

The crumbling infrastructure, the starving citizens, the depleted military—clearly, the kingdom’s wealth had been steadily draining away during my long absence.

What I was looking at was probably less than one percent of what should have been here, the last remnants of a once-great treasury.

Still, even this diminished fortune would be enough to address the immediate crises facing my subjects.

And if I managed things properly, maybe I could rebuild Iferona’s economy to compete with those prosperous realms someday.

The Dark Realm had fallen far, but with careful management, perhaps it could rise again.

[Helpdesk Supreme notices valued customer’s extended period of contemplation. Would you like this unit to suggest appropriate spending categories based on your realm’s current socioeconomic indicators?]

“You can see the condition of my realm?” I asked, surprised.

[Helpdesk Supreme regularly monitors connected realms to optimize purchase recommendations.

This unit observes that Iferona is experiencing: critical infrastructure failure, widespread malnutrition, inadequate sanitation, defensive vulnerabilities, and a 94.

3% decline in overall prosperity metrics since your last login.

May this unit suggest emergency relief supplies as a priority purchase? ]

“Well, that’s… actually helpful,” I admitted grudgingly. “Let’s start with that.”

[Proceed with conversion?]

[Conversion amount:

□ 100 OT

□ 1,000 OT

□ 10,000 OT

□ 100,000 OT

□ Custom amount: _______]

I hesitated, then entered ‘50,000’ in the custom field.

Best to start small, just in case this was some elaborate magical trap designed to punish greedy dark lords.

Or in case I woke up was suddenly back in my crappy apartment with a maxed-out credit card and nothing to show for it but an elaborate fantasy.

[Converting 50,000 OpenTokens from treasury assets. Physical equivalent will be removed from Chest 7, Section B. Confirm?]

I glanced at the chests, wondering which was ‘Chest 7, Section B.’ Probably one of the ones I hadn’t opened yet.

“Confirm,” I said aloud, then tapped the button, half expecting sirens to go off and the floor to open beneath me, dropping me into a pit of spikes or possibly a pool of administrative paperwork.

There was a soft chiming sound, like the world’s most polite cash register, and the window updated.

[Conversion complete. Your new balance is 50,000 OpenTokens.

What would you like to purchase today? Helpdesk Supreme notes that ‘emergency relief supplies’ and ‘basic survival necessities’ are not typically selected by Dark Lords, who statistically prefer ‘torture devices,’ ‘soul-binding artifacts,’ and ‘ominous architectural elements.’]

“Are you judging my shopping choices?” I asked incredulously.

[Helpdesk Supreme does not judge. This unit merely observes that valued customer’s selections deviate from established Dark Lord purchasing patterns by approximately 97.8%.]

“Well, I’m not your typical Dark Lord,” I muttered, tapping the ‘Food & Supplies’ category that had appeared on screen.

[Helpdesk Supreme has noticed. This unit has already created a new customer profile category: ‘Atypical Dark Lord with Concerning Humanitarian Tendencies.’]

“Just show me the food options, Supremo.”

The selection that appeared was staggering.

Bulk grains, preserved meats, dried fruits, cooking oils, seeds for planting, farming tools, cooking equipment…

everything I could possibly need to feed a starving population.

It was like someone had taken my old workplace, removed all the corporate soul-crushing elements, and transformed it into a magical wish-fulfillment service.

Well, most of the soul-crushing elements. Supremo’s corporate personality was apparently interdimensional.

“This is incredible,” I said, scrolling through the options. “But this is going to take forever to sort through. I need to place a massive order for emergency relief. Is there a way to streamline this?”

[Helpdesk Supreme can activate Emergency Relief Protocol. This unit will calculate appropriate quantities based on population size and nutritional requirements. Would valued customer like to proceed with this option?]

“Yes, please,” I replied, surprised by the helpful suggestion.

[Please provide population estimate and primary nutritional concerns.]

“About forty thousand demons of various types. Many are severely malnourished, including children. Limited cooking facilities available. Need immediate consumption options.”

[Calculating optimal emergency relief package.

Helpdesk Supreme notes that ‘feeding the masses’ is selected by Dark Lords in only 0.

003% of transactions. Most preferred Dark Lord activities include: ‘subjugating the masses,’ ‘terrifying the masses,’ and ‘experimenting on the masses.’ Would valued customer like recommendations more aligned with traditional Dark Lord activities? ]

“No, I would not,” I said firmly. “And you can stop with the Dark Lord statistical comparisons. I get it—I’m weird.”