Page 49 of The Dark Lord Awakens (Dark Service #1)
“Remember,” I said as they experimented with their new tools, “I can access all your accounts as the primary administrator. Lord Taxman will monitor the financial aspects, but each of you is responsible for your department’s products and fulfillment.”
Lady Shadowfax was the first to master her interface, her shadowy fingers moving with surprising dexterity across the controls. “I shall name my assistant ‘Umbra,’” she declared, her voice betraying rare emotion. “Together we shall market the finest shadow essences in all the realms.”
Duke Splashypants, not to be outdone, jabbed enthusiastically at his interface. “Mine shall be ‘Moisturizer Supreme!’” he announced proudly.
“That’s… an interesting choice,” I managed.
General Smashington glowered at his interface, which kept closing whenever he tried to touch it with his massive fingers. “Battle-Master,” he grunted. “Simple. Strong.”
Magister Wiggles emerged from his trance long enough to whisper, “Arcane Intellect Alpha,” before resuming his communion with the blue light.
Lord Taxman adjusted his spectacles with precision. “Mine shall be designated ‘Fiscal Oversight Protocol 1.0,’” he stated firmly. “Practical. Authoritative. Appropriately intimidating.”
I spent the next hour walking them through the basics of the OpenSesame interface, teaching them how to list products, fulfill orders, and purchase supplies.
By the end of the session, they were beginning to grasp the fundamentals, though General Smashington had accidentally ordered seventeen “Ultimate Pancake Flippers” before I could stop him.
“One last thing,” I said as we concluded. “When orders come in, you’ll need to fulfill them by placing the items in the designated delivery circles.”
I traced a quick pattern on Duke Splashypants’ terminal. A moment later, a glowing blue circle approximately three feet in diameter materialized on the floor beside the table.
“Simply place the ordered items within this circle,” I explained, setting a small shadow crystal in the center of the glowing ring. “Then confirm the shipment through your terminal.”
As I tapped the confirmation button on the interface, the circle pulsed with brilliant blue light. The crystal hovered momentarily in midair, then vanished in a flash that left everyone blinking.
The reaction was immediate and dramatic. Duke Splashypants fell to his knees, webbed hands raised in supplication. “THE VOID ACCEPTS OUR OFFERING!” he cried, tears streaming down his amphibious face.
“It’s not an offering, it’s a product,” I tried to explain, but the other department heads had joined him, all staring at the now-empty circle with newfound religious fervor.
“The pathways to the void itself,” Magister Wiggles whispered, reaching out to tentatively touch the edge of the fading circle. “Just as the ancient texts foretold: ‘And lo, the Void-Touched One shall establish commerce with the darkness, and prosperity shall flow like shadow-water.’”
I was pretty sure no ancient text had ever used the phrase “shadow-water,” but I let it slide.
“Each department will have dedicated fulfillment circles installed in your work areas,” I continued, trying to bring the focus back to practicalities. “For larger shipments, you can activate expanded circles that can accommodate crates or bulk materials.”
General Smashington, who had been unusually quiet, finally spoke. “These circles… they can transport anything? Of any size?”
“Within reason,” I confirmed. “Though there are weight and volume limits based on your account level.”
The massive general’s eyes gleamed with a concerning intensity. “And if one were to… hypothetically… step into such a circle during activation?”
“Absolutely not!” I said firmly, suddenly envisioning interdimensional incidents involving accidentally shipped demon generals. “These are for products only. Living beings are strictly prohibited.”
“Of course, my lord,” he agreed too quickly. “Merely a theoretical inquiry.”
I made a mental note to have Supremo implement additional safety protocols on General Smashington’s account.
“Just remember,” I cautioned as they filed out, terminals clutched reverently to their chests, “quality control is essential. We’re building Iferona’s reputation as a premium supplier.
And please, review your product descriptions before posting them.
” I looked pointedly at Duke Splashypants, who had already drafted an alarmingly suggestive description for his “Penetrating Moisture Essence.”
As they left, Lord Taxman lingered behind, his expression uncharacteristically emotional.
“My lord,” he said quietly, “I have served seventeen Dark Lords as Treasury Administrator. I have managed copper pennies and counted lint. I have stretched resources until they screamed. But this…” He gestured to his terminal, his voice cracking.
“This is the first time in Iferona’s history that we will have actual income. Real revenue. From outside sources.”
He bowed deeply. “I shall personally count every coin that materializes in the treasury. My most trusted accountants will work in shifts to ensure not a single token is misplaced. We shall establish proper bookkeeping, financial projections, quarterly reports!” His voice rose with each word, his excitement palpable.
“That sounds… thorough,” I said, slightly concerned by his intensity.
“I have waited my entire career for this moment,” he whispered, clutching his terminal to his chest. “The day a Dark Lord understood… economics.”
With that slightly disturbing declaration, he scurried out, already muttering about ledger systems and revenue categorization.
I snapped back to the present as Supremo’s interface pulsed gently, bringing me back to the current revenue report.
[Your merchant portal ‘Iferona Exports’ has generated 127,845 OpenTokens in the past seven days. After service fees and fulfillment costs, your net revenue is 103,504 OpenTokens. Would you like to see the breakdown by product category?]
I quickly scanned the report, then did a double take at the top-selling item. “Wait, what’s this ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’ product? I never approved that!”
[Helpdesk Supreme must clarify that ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’ was added to the catalog by Lord Azrael using special administrative privileges. This item has become your highest-margin product, accounting for 32% of total revenue despite limited supply.]
“What exactly is ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’?” I asked, a sense of dread building.
The interface displayed an elegant black bottle with silver accents, labeled with ornate script and bearing what appeared to be a religious seal.
[This premium product consists of water collected from your bath after use, ritually purified and enhanced with shadow essence for stability.
It is marketed as ‘The blessed waters touched by the divine form of Lord Lucien, imbued with his sacred power and offered to the faithful as a token of his benevolence.’]
“WHAT?” I nearly shouted, then lowered my voice as Azrael glanced over. “They’re selling my BATHWATER?”
[Correct. According to customer testimonials, ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’ is primarily used for blessing ceremonies, protection rituals, and devotional altars dedicated to your worship.
The product commands 750 OpenTokens per 2-ounce bottle and consistently sells out within minutes of listing.
Each bottle includes a certificate of authenticity signed by Lord Azrael as ‘First Disciple of the Divine Lucien.’]
“First Disciple of the—” I sputtered, torn between horror and fascination. “Azrael is behind this?”
[Affirmative. Lord Azrael personally oversees the entire process, from collection to bottling.
The procedure is conducted as a solemn ritual by specially selected servants who have taken vows of devotion to you.
According to internal communications, Lord Azrael considers this ‘a sacred duty to spread the divine essence of Lord Lucien to worthy devotees across the realms.’]
I felt my face burning with embarrassment. “People are buying my used bathwater for… worship?”
[Correct. This unit should note that similar products from other notable beings rarely achieve even 10% of your sales volume.
Your bathwater has achieved sacred relic status in certain realms, with multiple temples reportedly dedicated to your worship.
One particularly devoted customer claimed bathing their eyes in your essence granted them visions of ‘the Dark Lord’s magnificent countenance. ’]
“I don’t know whether to be flattered or mortified,” I muttered. “And this is really making that much money?”
[Current revenue from ‘Sacred Essence of the Dark Lord’ alone is 42,500 OpenTokens weekly.
A secondary product line of ‘Vestments Blessed by the Dark Lord’s Touch’ generates an additional 35,700 OpenTokens weekly.
These garments are marketed as exact replicas of your daily attire, when in fact they are designs Lord Azrael has created based on what he believes you should wear. ]
“Wait—Azrael is designing clothes, claiming I wear them, and selling them to… who exactly?”
[Primary customers include noble houses of neighboring realms. The clothing line is advertised as ‘The Divine Wardrobe: Garments Identical to Those Gracing the Perfect Form of Lord Lucien.’ Each item includes a certificate of authenticity and strict wearing instructions to ensure ‘proper reverence for the Dark Lord’s sartorial preferences. ’]
I buried my face in my hands. “So I’m basically funding the realm’s recovery with bathwater and a clothing line I’ve never even seen, while Azrael runs some kind of… dark lord worship cult?”