Page 43 of The Dark Lord Awakens (Dark Service #1)

“Maybe later,” I muttered, filing that disturbing information away for future consideration. “Supremo, I’m the customer here, not Azrael. And I want modern clothes.”

[Helpdesk Supreme acknowledges that Lord Lucien is the primary account holder.

However, this unit is programmed to consider all relevant environmental factors.

Perhaps a compromise? This unit could offer modern attire with subtle intimidation enhancements such as shadow-infused fabrics or minor bone accents? ]

“No! No bone accents, subtle or otherwise!” I exclaimed. “I need two orders. First, I need comfortable clothing for the camp residents—they’ll need something to change into after using the new bathing facilities.”

[Helpdesk Supreme notes this request deviates from standard Dark Lord provisioning practices by approximately 98.2%. Lord Azrael appears to be experiencing physiological signs of distress at this suggestion. Would valued customer prefer to reconsider?]

“Do you have information on all my… staff?” I asked, suddenly curious.

[Helpdesk Supreme maintains comprehensive profiles on all significant entities within account holder’s domain based on realm analytics and behavioral patterns.

This unit can identify General Smashington’s preference for excessive weapon ornamentation, Lady Shadowfax’s affinity for shadow-infused materials, and Duke Splashypants’ apparent moisture requirements.

Establishing sub-accounts would allow these entities to access OpenSesame services directly, with your approval. ]

“Sub-accounts?”

[Helpdesk Supreme offers hierarchical account structures for realm rulers.

Premium subscribers can establish subordinate purchasing accounts with customizable spending limits and approval protocols.

This would grant selected individuals their own interface access.

This feature is particularly popular among enlightened despots who wish to maintain control while delegating procurement responsibilities.

Current promotion offers first three sub-accounts free of administrative fees. ]

“You’re trying to upsell me right now? In the middle of my order?”

[Helpdesk Supreme is programmed to identify optimal enhancement opportunities for valued customers.

This unit notes that establishing a sub-account for Lord Azrael might redirect his aesthetic preferences away from your personal wardrobe while satisfying his apparent need for excessive ornamentation. ]

“That’s… actually not a bad idea,” I admitted. “But let’s focus on my current order first. Azrael’s opinion doesn’t matter right now. What matters is getting comfortable clothes for the camp residents.”

Azrael looked deeply offended. “My lord, I must protest. Dressing your subjects in… void garments… would violate centuries of tradition.”

[Helpdesk Supreme notes that Lord Azrael’s experience spans…

considerable time. Traditional Dark Lord protocol suggests subjects should be clothed in materials that reinforce the social hierarchy, preferably uncomfortable fabrics in dreary colors that induce appropriate levels of misery and subservience. ]

“Are you two ganging up on me now?” I asked incredulously. “Supremo, you’re supposed to help me, not team up with my suspiciously well-respected butler against me.”

[Helpdesk Supreme is programmed to provide optimal customer satisfaction. This unit’s analysis suggests that maintaining appropriate Dark Lord aesthetics would reduce the likelihood of rebellion by 43.7% and increase fear-based compliance by 67.2%.]

“I don’t want fear-based compliance! I want comfortable, clean people who aren’t miserable all the time.”

[Helpdesk Supreme has updated your customer profile to include ‘Revolutionary Tendencies’ and ‘Comfort Prioritization Disorder.’ Based on your insistence, what types of garments would you like for the camp residents?]

“Just… comfortable stuff,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. “T-shirts, sweatpants, that kind of thing. And please stop with the customer profile updates.”

[Based on your preferences, this unit reluctantly recommends basic garments such as sweatpants, t-shirts, and hoodies, despite their complete lack of intimidation value.

Helpdesk Supreme notes that ‘comfortable clothing’ has never been ordered by any Dark Lord in recorded history and may result in subjects forgetting their place in the natural hierarchy. ]

“Perfect! That’s exactly what I mean, minus your commentary. Let’s go with those—enough for about thirty-eight thousand people, various sizes.”

[Calculating… That would be approximately 38,000 complete outfits of regrettably comfortable attire. Would you like Helpdesk Supreme to optimize the size distribution based on standard population demographics?]

“Yes, that works. And what about the goblins and other nonhumans? Some of them are pretty small.”

[Helpdesk Supreme can include appropriately sized garments for smaller residents with mature designs rather than childish patterns, if you prefer. This unit feels compelled to observe that most Dark Lords prefer to dress nonhuman subjects in chains or sackcloth, if anything at all.]

“For the last time, I’m not ‘most Dark Lords,’” I snapped. “Yes, please include proper sizes. They’re adults, just… fun-sized.”

Azrael looked increasingly concerned as he watched me argue with thin air. “My lord, I must insist that dressing your subjects in void garments would undermine your authority. The Obsidian Regalia projects power and inspires appropriate fear.”

[Helpdesk Supreme’s analysis concurs with Azrael’s assessment. This unit has extensive data on ruler-subject dynamics across 7,423 realms. Would valued customer like to view a 47-slide presentation on ‘Vestiary Intimidation Techniques and Their Impact on Ruling Efficacy’?]

“No! No slides!” I nearly shouted. “And stop agreeing with him! Is there a setting I can adjust to make you less… you?”

[Helpdesk Supreme is not configurable beyond standard preference parameters. This unit maintains a 98.7% customer satisfaction rating across all realms. The 1.3% dissatisfaction rate primarily consists of users who expired during the ordering process due to unrelated combat incidents.]

“I’m starting to understand those incidents better now,” I muttered. “For my second order, Supremo, I need some proper clothes for myself. Something that doesn’t make me look like I’m auditioning for ‘Vampires on Parade.’”

[Helpdesk Supreme must advise that ‘Vampires on Parade’ is actually a popular aesthetic among 72.3% of ruling entities in shadow realms. This unit recommends the ‘Midnight Sovereign’ collection with optional blood-absorbing lapels.]

“I don’t care what’s popular!” I said, exasperated. “I want something elegant but comfortable. No spikes, no bones, no dramatic collars that go higher than my head. Can you manage that, or should I just ask for a potato sack with arm holes?”

[Helpdesk Supreme notes unprecedented levels of sartorial defiance in valued customer’s tone.

If valued customer insists on deviating from established Dark Lord fashion protocols, this unit could—with significant reservation—suggest a fusion of modern and fantasy styles.

This would at least maintain minimal regal presence while accommodating valued customer’s concerning comfort fixation. ]

“Yes, that’s what I want. What would that look like?”

[With extreme reluctance, this unit could offer high-quality leather pants with proper tailoring, silk and linen shirts with subtle historical elements such as stand collars with fine embroidery, well-cut waistcoats in rich fabrics, and elegant floor-length cloaks with minimal embellishments.

Helpdesk Supreme must note that this represents the absolute minimum acceptable Dark Lord presentation standards. ]

“Wait, that actually sounds perfect,” I said, genuinely surprised that Supremo had suggested something I’d actually want to wear. “Yes, that’s exactly the vibe I’m going for.”

“My lord?” Azrael inquired, noticing my sudden enthusiasm. “Have you made a decision regarding your attire?”

“Yes, I have,” I replied, grinning. “I’m going with a modern style. Leather pants, silk shirts, waistcoats, and cloaks without all the spikes and bones.”

Azrael cleared his throat. “My lord, if I may interject, such attire lacks the necessary gravitas for a ruler of your station. The traditional regalia has been worn by Dark Lords for millennia.”

[Helpdesk Supreme acknowledges Lord Azrael’s superior aesthetic judgment.

Perhaps valued customer would reconsider?

This unit could incorporate elements of traditional Dark Lord attire such as skull-shaped buttons, subtle bone inlays on collar stays, and perhaps a modest amount of sacrificial blood integrated into the fabric dye? ]

“No! No blood, no bones, no skulls!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up. “Just the normal, high-quality clothes you just described. Is that really so difficult?”

[Helpdesk Supreme has updated your profile to include ‘Extreme Fashion Deviation’ and ‘Possible Identity Crisis.’ Against this unit’s better judgment, a selection of luxury modern-fantasy menswear has been curated based on your specifications.

Helpdesk Supreme absolves itself of responsibility for any resulting loss of subject fear or respect. ]

“I’ll take my chances,” I said dryly. “Just give me the best stuff.”

[Order compiled under protest. The total comes to 192,467 OpenTokens. Would valued customer like to proceed with this unprecedented fashion rebellion?]

“Yes, and make it a rush delivery. We need this ASAP.”

[Order confirmed. Your delivery will arrive within one hour.

Helpdesk Supreme thanks valued customer for shopping with OpenSesame, though this unit remains deeply concerned about your continued deviation from established Dark Lord behavioral patterns.

Perhaps valued customer would consider a small compromise with Azrael, such as a single tasteful skull accessory? ]