Page 8 of The Cruise Club
Dicky stood at the side of the stage as Melody took her curtain call and lapped up the thunderous applause. As he waited, aware that the stage manager stood alongside, Dicky’s smile was strained, and he clapped too enthusiastically, masking the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Damn! Melody was good.
As Melody approached, Dicky took a deep breath, attempting to play it cool. He wondered how the hell he was going to follow her and hoped that the crowd hadn’t peaked too early and some of the old-timers didn’t drift off to bed.
When Melody saw Dicky, she stopped and gave him the once-over. ‘Are you about to tell your jokes at a funeral?’ she asked, taking in his black suit, crisp white shirt and patent leather shoes. ‘From what I hear, when the audience gets wind of your act, they will be wishing they were dead.’
Dicky fumed. He had no idea what Melody had against him or why she was hostile, but there was no time to exchange insults. Peter was announcing his act.
‘Please welcome to the stage,’ Peter addressed the audience, ‘and give a big Diamond Star welcome to the one and only… DICKY DELANEY!’
‘You did your best,’ Dicky smiled at Melody, ‘but now it’s time for the real show to start. Thanks for warming up the audience and setting the bar low, now I’ll go and raise it.’
Before Melody could snap out a retort, Dicky swept past and took the mic from Peter. Standing in the spotlight, he held up his hand and indicated to the band that they begin to play.
As the introductory bars of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees began, Dicky launched into a lively, tongue-in-cheek rendition of the song. As he belted out the familiar chorus, the energy in the room returned, and by the time he finished, the audience was clapping along.
‘You know you’re getting on a bit when that song becomes less of a pop tune but more of a daily goal,’ Dicky said, making eye contact and nodding to guests on the front row. ‘On a cruise, staying alive means getting to the bar before the gin runs out!’
Laughter in the room was light, but Dicky continued.
‘Welcome aboard to those of you who’ve just joined the ship.
I hope you love cruising as much as I do, where you can eat and drink for twenty-four hours a day, and nobody judges you.
At the seafood buffet, someone asked me what the catch of the day was?
’ Dicky looked puzzled. ‘I replied – heart disease if you keep eating like this!’
‘Is that the best you’ve got?’ a man in the audience called out. ‘Where’s the real comedian?’
Dicky held his hand to his brow, shading the light as he searched for heckler. ‘I’d like to thank this gentleman tonight for making me look good. It’s a tough job, but someone had to do it!’
The audience laughed, but the heckler continued. ‘I’m more entertained by the ship’s emergency drill than you,’ he said.
‘I recognise that voice,’ Dicky’s eyes alighted on Don, who sat with folded arms in the third row. ‘It’s Don and Debbie from Yorkshire, everyone!’ Dicky said as a spotlight highlighted the couple. ‘Tell me, Don, what’s a Yorkshire man’s secret to a long life?’
Don, who’d been nudged into silence by Debbie’s sharp elbow, merely shrugged.
‘Come on, Don, you can do better than that,’ Dicky encouraged, drawing more laughter from the audience.
‘It’s a strict policy of never spending more money than necessary,’ Dicky quipped, then quickly continued, ‘Why did the Yorkshire man bring a ladder to the pub?’ He spread his arms to invite a reply. ‘Because the drinks were on the house!’
Don sank low in his seat.
‘And speaking of houses, did you hear about the two antennas that got married?’ Dicky quipped, ‘The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!’
When the laughter died down, Dicky stood before Don and Debbie.
‘But seriously, folks, this lovely couple are on the cruise for a very special occasion. It’s their wedding anniversary, and I’d like you all to join me in acknowledging their special day.’ Dicky turned to the band, who started to play, ‘Congratulations’.
‘Congratulations,’ Dicky said and leaned forward to shake Don’s hand and, moving several snakes to one side, kissed Debbie on her cheek.
Confident that Don was unlikely to upstage his act again, Dicky continued.
Three songs and many jokes later, he had the audience in the palm of his hand. Many wiped away happy tears while others clutched their stomachs and shook their heads, almost exhausted from laughing.
‘I’m going to close the show tonight with the result of our Greek-themed fancy dress competition,’ Dicky said. ‘Your entertainment director has been observing you all and has chosen a winner.’
Peter came forward and waved an envelope.
‘Let me tell you that it has been a tough decision,’ Dicky said, ‘and those who participated are to be applauded.’ He pursed his lips and frowned.
‘However, one or two have confused the theme of the evening, and to the gentleman wearing a sack…’ Dicky scanned the audience.
‘Where are you, sir? Ah, over there, on the sofa in the corner,’ Dicky spoke to an imaginary figure, ‘you’ve got the wrong night, but thanks for being a couch potato. ’
Peter, beside Dicky, clapped at the joke then handed over the envelope.
‘For the lady standing in the corner looking lonely, don’t worry,’ Dicky smiled, ‘we all know that you’ve dressed as a wi-fi signal, and I’m sure someone will connect with you soon.’
Dicky slowly undid the seal on the envelope and pulled out a card and a drum roll began. ‘And the winners are… A toga-tastic twosome – Colin and Neeta!’
A round of applause rippled throughout the theatre as Colin and Neeta, hand in hand, hurried to the stage and Dicky exchanged words about their creative costumes.
‘Congratulations!’ Dicky beamed. ‘You’ve won a soothing and relaxing couple’s massage in our onboard spa.’
Colin and Neeta stood close together, their chemistry evident as Colin, with one arm around his wife, preened and tucked a thumb in his waistband, while Neeta, thrusting out her chest, flashed a length of thigh.
‘I see you’ve both got a pineapple motif on your belts?’ Dicky raised an eyebrow and, turning to the audience, winked. ‘And if I’m not mistaken, you’re wearing the pineapple upside down?’
Colin began to answer. ‘It’s part of our lifestyle,’ he said, but before he could continue, Peter, whose complexion had paled, rushed forward and grabbed the mic from Dicky’s hand.
‘Let’s congratulate them again,’ Peter said, ‘Colin and Neeta!’ He hastily hurried the couple away.
‘So that’s it for tonight, folks,’ Dicky said, ‘why don’t you all join in with me as I close the show.’ He moved about the stage and began to sing the words of ‘Sweet Caroline’, and in no time, everyone was singing along. ‘Goodnight, everyone!’ he called out.
With a final bow, to a standing ovation, Dicky left the stage.