Page 40 of The Cruise Club

In Dicky’s brightly lit dressing room, the comedian sat in front of a mirror and adjusted the collar of his shirt.

A clipboard with a handwritten setlist rested on the counter alongside a few last-minute punchlines scribbled hastily onto sticky notes.

Dicky felt nervous as he ran a hand through his hair, carefully arranging the quiff.

Staring at his reflection, he reached for a half-empty water bottle and took a long drink.

Dicky’s afternoon had been spent with his lady friend.

After an exhausting session in her bedroom, she’d presented him with a bracelet that matched his missing chain.

His eyes bulged when he saw the gift, knowing it had come from the onboard jewellers and would have cost a bomb.

His usual practice was to gather his gifts, promise undying love at the end of the cruise, and then disappear to the nearest pawn shop when he hit dry land.

But this lady was proving difficult and appeared to have taken ownership of Dicky.

Curious about the absence of the gold necklace, she warned Dicky that she expected him to be wearing both items during his show.

How could he tell her that he’d lost the damn thing?

He could kiss farewell to her generous goodbye gifts in the remaining days of the cruise.

It wasn’t as though there was time for Dicky to line up a replacement, and if she insisted on creating a fuss about the loss, Peter would string him up.

Dicky had been warned about his onboard exploits, and if Peter reported back to Clive, Dicky Delaney’s days at sea would be over.

He wasn’t at the top of his agent’s Christmas card list, and his only hope now was to avoid Peter’s wrath and somehow make it to the final stop in Malaga without his future career sinking into the sea.

‘Ten minutes, Mr Delaney!’

Dicky slipped into his jacket. He knew he had to find the necklace because he didn’t want to stop working on cruise ships.

‘Let’s face it,’ Dicky said to his reflection, ‘I need the money.’

Taking a deep breath, he straightened his lapels, took one last look in the mirror and exited his room.

It was showtime!

In the Neptune Theatre, Melody Moon stood under a cascade of golden lights, her sequinned gown shimmering with every step she took.

With the audience clapping to the beat of her song, Melody’s voice soared above the backing singers who moved in synchrony behind her.

Dancers in feathered costumes and rhinestone-studded headwear executed perfect choreography as Melody strutted across the stage, blasting out the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’.

Dicky stood at the side of the stage. He had to hand it to Melody, she had the audience in her hand, and as he hummed along to the song, he thought, like the song lyrics, that it really didn’t matter who you were, whatever your orientation.

If you believed in yourself, like Melody, you were ‘On the right track, baby’.

Melody’s performance was captivating, but when a spotlight shone on a grand piano and she gracefully took a seat, the charged atmosphere softened.

Her fingers caressed the keyboard, and she began to sing Adele’s ballad, ‘Hello’, the emotion in her voice raw.

Resonating with the poignant words which brought tears to the eyes of many, Dicky was in awe as he listened to a voice that could evoke such profound emotion.

For her finale, Melody invited the audience to their feet and began a medley, concluding with Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’. The crowd clapped and swayed, then cheered as Melody hit the final show-stopping note, her arms outstretched as she bathed in the rapturous applause.

‘Bloody hell,’ Dicky said as he ran his perspiring hands along his suit jacket, ‘she’s stolen the show. How do I follow that?’

An audio technician adjusted the mic on Dicky’s lapel, and as a nervous Dicky mentally ran through his opening lines, his knees felt unsteady, as though the floor was shifting beneath him.

‘You’ve got this,’ he mumbled, trying to convince himself.

The stage manager gave Dicky a nod, and knowing that the spotlight was waiting, Dicky stepped into its glare.

As Melody moved towards him to leave the stage, Dicky grabbed her hand. ‘Let’s hear it again, everyone, a big Diamond Star cheer for the one and only Melody Moon!’ He moved Melody forward. ‘Isn’t she amazing?’ Dicky called out and began to clap his hands.

Many in the audience took to their feet and Melody basked in the standing ovation. After several more minutes of whistles and cheers, she strutted off the stage, but as she passed Dicky, he was surprised to see the artist smile and mouth the words, ‘Thank you.’

Dicky turned to the audience who’d settled into their seats. ‘And now, you get me ,’ he shrugged. ‘It must be like enjoying a five-star meal, then being offered a bag of chips.’ To the sound of laughter, he added, ‘If I sing “Hello”, you’ll all say, “Hello, Dicky, there’s the exit…”’

Dicky was settling into his rhythm, and after a few more jokes, he nodded to the band and the audience soon joined in with Dicky’s version of Barry Manilow’s ‘Copacabana’.

As he strutted and danced across the stage, his eyes fell on a band of diamonds glinting brightly around the neck of his lady friend.

Sitting in the front row, she ran her fingers over her jewellery and raised a heavily painted eyebrow.

Dicky moved away from the microphone, deciding that mid-act was not the time to address the mystery of his missing gold chain. With the song wrapping up, he thanked the band and began a repertoire of one-liners.

‘Do you like takeaways?’ he asked the audience with a sly grin. ‘The last time I phoned our local, I said, “Do you deliver?”’ Pausing just enough to build anticipation, he continued, ‘“No,” they told me, “we do lamb, chicken, and fish…”’

The room erupted in laughter, and Dicky let it settle before continuing. ‘I introduced my third wife to my mate,’ he said, raising his eyebrows for effect. ‘Do you know what he said? “She wouldn’t have been my first choice either.”’

Not missing a beat, he placed a hand on his hip. ‘I wanted to put the magic back in our marriage, and it worked. She disappeared .’ The laughter rippled again. ‘We shared a house, my wife and me. She got the inside, and I got the outside.’

Dicky was in his stride, and the audience, who were age-appropriate for his jokes, lapped it up. Posturing with every punchline, his body language was amusing as he paused to pull the audience in with a knowing look.

‘We had a power cut in our road the other night,’ Dicky said, ‘but I knew it was all right when a bus went by with its lights on.’

His timing was impeccable, and with the audience hanging on his every word, as his act ended Dicky’s heart was racing with post-show adrenaline from his performance.

‘That’s it from me, folks!’ he called out, ‘Don’t forget that it’s Ibiza tomorrow. The party island! So, enjoy the sun and have a great day out, but remember that at our time of life, you’re only a party animal if the party includes a nap…’

Carmen was having a wonderful evening with Theo. They’d dined in the Terrace Restaurant and enjoyed a meal of tantalising Mediterranean flavours which blended through three delicious courses. Theo chatted about his life as a chef, his love of Ruari, and his TV shows.

Carmen was fascinated.

Theo enthralled her with tales of his travels while filming McCarthy’s Kitchen Adventures , including his time in America, where amongst many eclectic characters, he’d met a chef in Texas who was so obese that he used an electric hoist to lift him into his truck and his business partner, another chef, who was so thin he could barely lift a spoon.

‘It was a strange contrast,’ Theo explained, ‘they had an incredibly successful restaurant, but one couldn’t move without assistance, and the other appeared too fragile to chop vegetables.

Both were brilliant chefs, and I learned much about their undeniable passion for food, which I hope came across in the programmes. ’

‘You must have enjoyed travelling around the world?’ Carmen said, as she finished her dessert and sipped a delicious, honey-flavoured wine.

‘Not really. I was living out of a suitcase much of the time and had no friends or family with me on the long stints away.’ Theo was thoughtful.

‘I was drinking too much, and I didn’t know where the exit was when I reached the bottom of the bottle.

It’s hard to leave booze alone when you can’t find the door. ’

‘What happened?’ Carmen’s voice was soft, and she gently touched Theo’s hand.

‘My life suddenly changed. I met Ruari in London. He was an actor in one of the soaps, and everything took on a new meaning.’

‘New meaning?’

‘I fell in love, Carmen. Deeply. Love isn’t something you search for. It hits you blindside when you least expect it, and it would be a fool who pushes it away.’

‘So, what happened next?’

‘I went to Donegal and, together with Ruari, whose roots were there too, bought a gorgeous old property. I opened a restaurant, and we settled down.’

‘Was he still working in the soap?’

‘Yes, until they killed his character off.’ Theo smiled. ‘We were delighted because it meant more time together, little knowing that my beloved would be killed, too.’

‘A heart attack.’

‘Yes.’

Theo poured the last of the wine into their glasses. ‘Enough of me,’ he announced, ‘what of you, Carmen Cunningham, the author. What about the rest of your life?’

‘There’s nothing to tell. It’s as boring as it can be.

Working in a hardware shop with a dad I adored was nothing spectacular, but I enjoyed it in my own way.

It took a downturn when he died, and Mum sold up.

Suddenly I was out of a job, but my writing has given me a new interest and determination in my middle life, to do something for me.

This cruise and meeting people like you have helped enormously. ’

‘People like me?’ Theo asked. ‘Don’t you mean someone like Ruskin?’

Carmen felt herself blush. ‘Well… he has been invaluable,’ she stuttered.

‘Come on, Carmen, you can’t fool me.’ Theo smiled. ‘Fairies and birds are tweeting around your head whenever you mention him, and you get a faraway look in your eyes.’

Carmen bit her lip. She’d always been a terrible liar. ‘It’s not like that,’ she said.

Theo raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. ‘Really?’ he asked. ‘Then what is it like?’

‘I didn’t go to his final workshop today,’ she began.

‘Ruskin was tough with me this morning. I know he wants to get the best out of my writing and is doing all he can to help, but I spend every day on the receiving end of Betty’s cutting blows and don’t need more from anyone else, and now…

’ Carmen paused. She traced the silk fabric of her dress, then touched the soft curls of her hair.

‘Since Fran insisted on my makeover, I’ve discovered that Carmen Cunningham quite likes herself. ’

‘And you won’t put up with any nonsense?’

‘Well, something like that.’

‘From where I’m sitting, I think you are head over heels in love with him,’ Theo said, out of the blue.

‘WHAT?’ Carmen was stunned. ‘No, you’re w… wrong. Ruskin has helped me a lot, and I’m grateful, but that’s all.’

Theo began to laugh. ‘If you say so, my darling girl, but you deserve someone who worships you, and Ruskin might just be the man.’

‘A man who is horrible to me?’

‘Perhaps that’s the only way he can overcome his feelings for you; he may be scared of being rejected or, like you, of falling in love?’

‘Oh, Theo, really, you should write romance novels. I’m sure love doesn’t work like that.’

‘Love works in many ways, and Cupid has a habit of throwing a few curved arrows before he hits the target.’

Carmen placed her hands on the arm of her chair and stared at Theo. ‘You’re a good friend,’ she said quietly.

‘And this good friend is now going to take you to the bar for another drink and then we’ll go dancing.’ Theo held out his hand to Carmen. ‘What a shame I’m gay. As a chef, I’m savoury, spicy and impossible to resist, and with your author’s imagination, think what we’d cook up together.’

‘Thank goodness you are gay.’ Carmen giggled as she took his hand. ‘You’d lead me into far too much mischief.’

They left the restaurant and stepped into the foyer, where they saw Holden and Betty descending the stairs from the Atrium. Betty smiled smugly and gripped Holden’s arm, nestling into his arm.

‘Did you have a pleasant dinner?’ Carmen asked.

‘It was wonderful,’ Betty said, her eyes sparkling. ‘I haven’t had a meal like that in years.’

Holden patted her arm. ‘It wasn’t just the food, Bet. It was your delightful company,’ he said and smiled adoringly.

Betty closed her eyes as though the taste of the dishes were still lingering. ‘The dessert,’ she exclaimed, ‘the mousse was so smooth and velvety.’

‘We’re about to go for a drink,’ Theo said, ‘would you like to join us?’

‘No, no.’ Betty shook her silvery perm. ‘Holden has a surprise for me.’

‘How interesting,’ Theo said. ‘I hope you have a perfect evening.’

‘I can’t wait to hear all about it,’ Carmen added as they moved away.

‘Do you think he’s going to take her to his suite to propose?’ Theo asked as they waited for the lift.

‘A surprise in his suite? With heart-shaped rose petals on the bed and champagne cooling beside a gift-wrapped gift for Betty?’

‘It’s a foregone conclusion.’ Theo laughed. ‘The deal is sealed, and you will wake up tomorrow knowing you are about to lose your mother and gain a stepfather.’

Carmen shot Theo a worried glance. She barely knew anything about Holden, and if Theo’s suspicions were correct, her mother’s new companion might soon be a permanent part of their lives. The thought unsettled her.

‘Hell, can we head to the piano bar?’ Carmen shook her head, ‘I need a strong drink.’

A short while later Theo and Carmen chinked glasses. ‘We must celebrate,’ Theo laughed, ‘Carmen Cunningham is about to become footloose and fancy-free!’

Carmen laughed with her friend, but as her eyes swept the room, she suddenly realised that Ruskin was sitting in one corner. For a moment, their eyes met, and Carmen felt a stab in her heart so sharp that she winced and quickly turned away.

Had one of Cupid’s curved arrows just landed?

But she knew that Ruskin was unaware of the woman who was aching for him with a desire he didn’t know, and all she could do was carry the ache in the quiet hope that one day, it would fade forever, with her fantasies of Ruskin and her dreams of romance.