Page 18 of The Cruise Club

The following morning the Diamond Star , having sailed through the night, docked in the ancient port of Rhodes.

Passengers who’d risen early enjoyed stunning views as dawn rose over the island’s coastline with its rocky cliffs and sparkling beaches.

During breakfast, the guest services team made announcements reminding everyone of the disembarkation process and to have all necessary identification with them.

At a corner table, close to the buffet, Fran and Sid sat in the Deck Café.

As Fran polished off her second slice of toast and Sid licked fried egg from his fork, they discussed the previous evening.

Led by Melody Moon, the Diamond Star entertainment team had performed an enjoyable song and dance performance from the Jersey Boys show.

‘I thought it was a bit left field for Melody,’ Sid said as he cut into a slice of bacon, ‘but her rendition of “Walk Like a Man” was brilliant.’

‘It was,’ Fran agreed and buttered more toast, adding peach jam with care. ‘Dicky Delaney could have put more into “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”, he hardly glanced at Melody during the number.’

‘My favourite was “Big Girls Don’t Cry”,’ Sid smiled, ‘and Melody is a big girl.’

‘I think she’s marvellous, especially her outfits. Which reminds me,’ Fran was thoughtful, ‘I asked Carmen if she’d like a shopping trip today.’

‘There’ll be some fancy shops in Rhodes.’

‘New clothes might lift her spirits,’ Fran said, ‘and you know how I love to browse.’

Sid smiled. He knew all too well that their savings pot of euros was about to take a hit, but he’d never begrudge Fran. His wife worked hard, and she deserved every luxury on this holiday. ‘Can you handle Betty tagging along?’ he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Fran reached out to stroke Sid’s arm. ‘The most important thing is to help Carmen come out of her shell, and I think that a few lovely outfits would give her the confidence she needs.’

Brushing sticky toast crumbs from his shirt, Sid said, ‘I’ll help with Betty.’ He studied Fran’s face. ‘You’ve taken quite a shine to Carmen.’

‘Betty dominates her daughter’s life,’ Fran said as she sipped her coffee. ‘Carmen lives under her mother’s thumb, and Betty has an invisible string that reels Carmen in every time she attempts to escape.’

‘The old lady can be difficult,’ Sid agreed.

‘Controlling for sure, it seems to be in her nature, and it’s drained any confidence Carmen might have had when her dad was alive.’

‘Perhaps Betty is worried that Carmen will move away if she finds new friends, leaving her alone,’ Sid reasoned.

Impressed, Fran stared at her husband. Sid had probably hit the nail on the head. Carmen was an unpaid carer.

‘We all deserve a good life and to fulfil our dreams.’ Fran nodded. ‘Just look at us – we always dreamed of owning a fancy restaurant and our dreams have come true.’

Sid grinned. ‘Aye, we’ve come a long way from selling candyfloss on the Golden Mile in Blackpool.’

‘Folk flock from all over the north to dine with us, and our waiting list is long.’

‘Who would ever have imagined it?’ Sid chuckled.

‘I know it’s none of my business,’ Fran lowered her voice, ‘but Carmen needs time to fulfil her passion and write more novels, and I think she could use a friend or two.’

Sid pushed his empty plate away. His wife was kind and had a heart of gold. ‘Perhaps this cruise will sort things out for her,’ he said.

‘I do hope so.’

‘Isn’t that Dicky Delaney?’ Sid turned his head and pointed to a man standing by the coffee machine, programming a double espresso.

‘Aye, he looks a bit rough this morning. He must have had a late night.’ Fran watched Dicky as he drank his coffee. A tall man joined him, and they lowered their heads, deep in conversation.

‘I think that’s Theo McCarthy,’ Fran said and leaned forward to get a better look.

‘My goodness, I do believe it is!’ Excited, Sid sat up.

Admiring Theo’s dark skin and well-groomed salt and pepper hair, Fran said, ‘He’s still a handsome man, despite the extra bit of weight that he carries these days.’

Sid knew that his idol, the Irish chef Theo McCarthy, was a guest speaker on the ship and one of the reasons Sid had looked forward to the cruise.

For years, Sid had been enamoured with the lives of celebrity chefs who entertained the masses.

It was the reason he’d sent Fran off to a cookery school in France to learn fancy skills.

Under the watchful eye of a Michelin-starred chef, she’d enriched her cooking and transformed her endeavours, ultimately leading to their own culinary awards and accolades.

‘He looks like he’s been burning the candle at both ends, too,’ Fran commented.

‘The man’s a legend.’ Sid sighed.

‘Didn’t you tell me that Theo had recently lost his partner?’ Fran’s tone was one of concern.

‘It was over a year ago, Fran, keep up,’ Sid said. ‘It was in all the papers, Ruari was an actor in one of the TV soaps. He was the love of Theo’s life, and they say the chef hasn’t recovered.’

‘Lost his restaurant not long after, if I remember,’ Fran said.

‘Closed it down,’ Sid corrected. ‘But I’m relieved to see that he’s taking gigs like this and hope his sadness is lifting.’

Fran’s heart went out to Theo. Losing a partner must be one of life’s cruellest blows, and she couldn’t imagine being without Sid.

They’d been together since they were teenagers, and despite never being blessed with the babies they longed for, she prayed there were many more years to romp happily down the road to the later years of their lives.

‘I can’t wait to hear his talk,’ Sid said as he watched Theo and Dicky leave the café, engrossed in conversation. ‘I’ve followed every episode of McCarthy’s Kitchen Adventures over the years.’

The show was a nationwide hit and captivated audiences as the chef travelled globally. Fans followed his escapades and passion for great ingredients and fine wines. Theo McCarthy was known for his decadent ‘slurps’ both on and off-screen.

‘Well, you won’t have long to wait,’ Fran said as she gathered her things, ‘we’ve got a sea day in a couple of days when he’s sure to be on stage.’

Dicky and Theo moved through the ship until they came to the library.

The pair had met at the purser’s welcome gathering when they’d joined the ship in Kefalonia, and now chose a quiet spot by the window.

There wasn’t a soul to be seen, and the ship was almost deserted as passengers, keen to go ashore, headed off to discover the delights of the island of Rhodes.

Taking a seat, Theo rubbed his fingers through his tightly curled hair and began to massage his scalp. ‘Will you be off on a jaunt today?’ he asked.

‘I need some fresh air. It’s like a cell in my cabin,’ Dicky replied and wiped his brow. He thought of the relentless hum of engines that vibrated through the wall as he returned to his bed in the early hours that morning.

‘I need to clear my head too,’ Theo blinked.

‘That was some party…’

‘It wasn’t what I expected, that’s for sure.’

‘What were you expecting?’ Dicky turned to look at Theo.

‘I have no idea. I’d had one too many cocktails during the day, and I stumbled across the cabin when an American chap opened the door and invited me in.’

‘Ah, so you hadn’t noticed the universal sign?’

‘Not a clue, but I shall never look at a pineapple in quite the same way again.’

‘On a cruise ship, if you see a pineapple sign hung upside down on a cabin door, you know you’re in the right place.’ Dicky grinned.

‘Or, in my case, the wrong place.’ Theo shook his head.

‘I know that pineapples have a history of being a sign of wealth and hospitality, even good fortune, but I’d no idea they had a seductive association.

It was my misfortune to stumble into the most unusual scene I’ve witnessed in years, and I’ve travelled the world,’ Theo added, and remembered his discomfort…

Navigating the dimly lit atmosphere, Theo, clearly the worst for wear, had entered Colin and Neeta’s suite.

Instead of finding guests engaged in polite conversation and passing pleasantries, Theo’s eyes popped when he realised that he was considerably overdressed in chinos and a shirt as everyone in the suite was almost naked.

A tall, well-built man with a paunch and a Yorkshire accent introduced a rotund, reticent woman whose acres of wobbling pink flesh reminded Theo of his grandmother’s blancmange.

‘Ey up,’ the man had said, ‘are you a vanilla?’

Theo hadn’t a clue what was meant and wondered if he was about to be offered an ice cream. As he’d quickly turned away from the Yorkshire couple, Neeta’s nubile body pressed against him.

‘Welcome to the Upside-Down Pineapple Pensioner Club,’ she trilled, taking Theo’s hand and stroking his wrist. ‘Or UDPPC as we like to call it. Colin and I are the founders of this exclusive club. Why don’t you join in the fun?

’ Leading Theo towards another room, she reached out to unbutton his shirt.

As he tried to unscramble the scene before him, Theo wondered if he was hallucinating. Had his drink been spiked? Geriatrics in all their glory rolled around on a king-sized bed, and Theo recognised a quiff of black hair. Was that Dicky Delaney buried beneath a mound of bodies and bumps?

‘We’re oldies but naughties,’ Neeta whispered, reaching for his belt.

Theo’s eyes were wide as a woman made a beeline towards him. She wore nothing more than a diamond necklace and leaned heavily on a walking aid. Without pausing to witness any more elderly exposé, Theo, suddenly sober, had backed away.

Now, Theo watched Dicky, who yawned and stared out of the window.

‘There was no mention of this sort of carry-on at the purser’s welcome gathering for the entertainment team,’ Theo said. ‘Is it a regular thing?’

‘Peter is hardly going to flag up the fact that his more able-bodied guests might be enjoying a later-life-lifestyle.’ Dicky grinned. ‘In fact, he panics when people like Colin and Neeta board his ship. It usually ends up with the medical facility being overloaded.’

‘What do you mean?’ Theo was puzzled.

‘Use your imagination. Divorce, widowhood, and the need to spice up a relationship that’s been stale for decades carries a risk.

’ Dicky smirked. ‘But after a couple of Athenian Mules, inhibitions go out of port hole windows, creating more STDs than the UK’s postal codes.

Carpet burns, bingo-wing bruises, and the “knee-pain swagger” all form a lengthy queue for the nurse in the sober light of day. ’

‘Good heavens…’ Theo shook his head.

‘And, of course, there are the claims,’ Dicky added.

‘Claims?’

‘Yesterday I heard that an elderly chap accosted Peter demanding compensation for slipping on the bathmat in Colin and Neeta’s suite while engaged in…

Well, think about it – he wasn’t scrubbing his teeth.

’ Dicky paused. ‘With a twisted hip, bruised nose and two black eyes, he’s demanding that the Diamond Star Line compensate him. ’

‘Who’d have thought…’ Theo looked wistful. ‘Not what Christopher Columbus had in mind when he returned from the Lesser Antilles and introduced pineapples to Europe.’

Dicky smiled. ‘And now, you too are officially a member of the UDPPC, whose motto is, “Engage first, regret later.”’

‘It’s an organisation that I shall be swerving in future,’ Theo replied, ‘but I take it you’re fully paid up?’

‘Oh, I like to have an occasional dabble. It livens things up a little,’ Dicky said, ‘and after several Athenian Mules, the partygoers appear twenty years younger.’

‘They’d need to…’ Theo mused.

‘Of course, it might not be your scene.’

‘No, certainly not. My relationship with a long-term partner was committed, and I never wanted to stray. Or swing both ways,’ Theo added.

Dicky stretched out his arms and, yawning again, shook his head. His neatly arranged quiff quivered, and he combed it into place with his fingers. ‘I need to crack on,’ he said and stood up. ‘There’s a wealthy widow with my name on her day out, waiting for me to escort her.’

‘Does Peter know?’

‘He turns a blind eye.’ Dicky shrugged. ‘After all, guest relations are all about keeping the passengers happy.’

‘So, you are providing a service?’

Dicky grinned lasciviously and rubbed his hands together. ‘With a smile,’ he said, ‘you’ve got it in one.’