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Page 57 of The Chemistry Test

‘Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for. It’s not your fault the world hasn’t caught up to you yet.

’ He winks at me excitedly. ‘That was just a practice run for when I do the real thing at the Golden Globes one day.’ His smile drops as his eyes land on the dirty tulle in my hands that I’ve been trying to hide as best as I can for the last twenty minutes.

I don’t want to embarrass him any more than I already have.

‘Oh, don’t worry about that either,’ he says. ‘I have just the thing.’

Seriously? I don’t know how he does it, but CJ always seems to have or know ‘just the thing’ for just about every situation. Now, he pulls off a five-leafed brooch from his jacket and kneels in front of me, clipping the fabric together to conceal the damage.

I grab his wrist to stop him. ‘You don’t need to do that. I’ll get Amy to come and get me, and Ro said he’s happy to accompany you inside, now the photos and everything are done.’

He raises his head. ‘ Ro said that? Why? Are you not feeling well?’

‘No I— I am, but, you know Ro – he can be red-carpet ready at the drop of a hat, so he can take it from here.’ I smile at him in the light-hearted way that you would if you hadn’t messed up the biggest night of someone’s year like I’ve just done.

He smiles back, continuing to pin my dress. ‘Ro can come if he wants, but I don’t need Ro, or anyone to take it from here.’ He leans back to get a better view of his handiwork. ‘Voilà.’

It looks perfect – prettier than before, even, with the extra princessy volume the makeshift darts have added to my waist.

‘Unless—’ He looks at me questioningly. Concerned. ‘Are you not enjoying yourself, Penny?’

‘Yes ... Well, no. I mean—’ I sigh. ‘I was, until I realised how much I was holding you back. I would’ve left earlier if I could, but I didn’t have enough signal to text Ro. Before I left our flat, he said he’d be happy to come if needed though.’

He looks at me incredulously. ‘You can’t be serious?’ The exasperation in his voice, mixed with my own stifled tears, threaten to choke me. ‘How could you possibly be holding me back, when you’re the very reason I’m here?’

‘I mean, with everything,’ I say, in the world’s smallest voice, well aware that it’s absolutely not the time for such a statement. ‘I want you to remember how much you love the things you love, and all I’m doing is tainting them. You need someone who can support you without getting in the way.’

‘Penny, you’ve made this experience a million times better already.

I love the red carpet, but it’s even better when it’s a fast-tracked whirlwind like we just had.

The only bits we skipped were the boring parts – think of it like jumping the line at Disneyland.

’ He stops smiling for a second, as he realises what else I said. ‘And even so. What about me?’

I’m too surprised by the red-carpet revelation to process what he means. ‘What about you?’

‘Why can’t I be the person who reminds myself of everything I love?’

I reach for his arm. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. Everyone needs support, Cam,’ I say, before I can stop myself. ‘ CJ, sorry.’

He smiles at that, and the more I scowl at my own mistake, the more his grin spreads.

‘You’re completely right. I was Cam when we last discussed all this, wasn’t I?

’ he asks playfully, as though it’s a funny memory.

And despite the gravity of the situation, a singular breath of laughter bursts out of me from the sheer relief of it.

Quiet, but unmistakable. I always hoped he’d be able to laugh about it one day, I just never thought it would be with me.

He presses on, unaware of what a big deal that moment was.

‘The point is, I learned this from you. Yes, I needed a bit of encouragement to get here, but I’m still my own person, capable of making big decisions and being my own cheerleader.

The only reason you now have a problem with it is because you’re afraid that a different experience means a worse one, and like I’ve been telling you all along – it doesn’t. ’

That shuts me up. Because I did say that, didn’t I? But that was before I knew better. ‘What about when it does, though?’ I counter. ‘I saw your hiking video. I can’t stand the thought of you missing out on things like that because of me. The train wasn’t better than hiking, was it?’

‘Says who?’

‘ You. You said hiking was one of your favourite things in the world, in that video.’

He laughs again. ‘Yeah, with some of my mates, it is. But I wouldn’t want to hike with a girl I actually like.

I get so out of breath and competitive against my own personal bests; fully in the zone.

To be honest, the hikes I enjoy the most are the solo ones.

Where it doesn’t matter how hot and sweaty you get.

And you can completely lose – or find – yourself in the scenery along the way.

No distractions. The only part I really care about sharing with other people is the view at the top.

’ He smiles. ‘Like I did with you.’ His voice is firm, but his eyes are soft, and they soften even more at the last part.

‘There’s no one on earth who can support someone with every aspect of life, Penny.

That’s why we have friends, family, counsellors even.

And again, as I learned from you – we can have our own backs and support ourselves too. ’

‘CJ, mate! You made it!’ One of his co-stars suddenly calls through the open door before coming in and giving him a bro-hug, the guy’s publicist, I assume, waiting a few steps behind.

CJ is the only person who’s handling this whole thing without a PR team, in a bid to not let anyone down.

And despite the avalanche of the last hour weighing heavy on my mind, I love the thought of how far he’s come and where he might be next year, if he keeps going.

Back here, with his own publicist. Like he should be.

The co-star turns to both of us. ‘They’re ready for us in the theatre, if you’re ready?’

CJ turns to me. ‘Are we?’

I nod.

Here goes nothing.