Page 29 of The Chemistry Test

Penny

I add my report to the submission box and hit Submit. Three out of four assignments down. Right on track! Although I still feel like there’s so much going on. Between assignments, TEDx sessions and chilling with Amy and Ro, I’ve barely had a spare moment to myself lately.

And yet, despite the exhaustion and constant boom-and-bust cycle it’s put me into, I’m enjoying every second of it, making sure to steal any moments of rest I find along the way.

Wednesday’s TEDx nights are such a welcome change of pace to the intensity of the actual degree, and have once again shown me how capable I am, even without Amy and Ro by my side.

Each week, I come away a more motivated and inspired version of myself, oftentimes with new ideas and tactics about expanding both my online platforms. And even more surprising to me is how well it’s working.

My Instagram followers have been on the rise since I started sharing short advice videos to practise my public speaking.

And my blog, too, has been in on the influx – appealing to a whole new demographic (without losing the old one), since I added a voice-note function that alters both mine and the messager’s voice.

Both of which have led to my voice being heard by an even bigger audience, and in turn igniting my passion for it even more.

And another good thing to come from it all is how easy it’s been to keep my distance from CJ. Although, to be honest, I haven’t even had to try. I haven’t had much time for anyone the past couple of weeks.

But, for obvious reasons, next weekend will be a very different story. I try to stop thinking about it. Or at least, overthinking about it.

I’m apprehensive about the trip for a million reasons, but I figure it’ll be better in the long run this way. Hopefully it’ll fly by and then we can go back to just seeing each other in classes again. Doing whatever we need to do.

Planning my time so meticulously like this, I’ve somehow managed to keep up with my classmates – academically, at least. But as a result, I’ve been falling asleep on the kitchen sofa at least once a week. I bet most of them haven’t been doing that.

Not this evening, though. Because, tonight, I’m in control of my body, rather than the other way round.

So, I say goodnight to Amy and Ro before I get too tired and take myself off to my room.

The secret to pacing is resting before you need to.

And even though I know that, I can never usually get myself to do it. But today, I’m almost there.

I climb into bed and put on my sleeping mask, pushing it up my forehead like a headband before I take my medication and drop my ring splints into the marble trinket dish on my bedside drawers.

As I take off my make-up, I can’t seem to get ‘Paper Rings’ out my head, so I tell Alexa to play it to get those same few words to stop whizzing around my mind.

Then, I pick up my phone for the first time since this morning. It’s too late to FaceTime home once again, but I have just enough time to log back into CTY.

Unsurprisingly, I watch the confetti animation burst and I’m happy (and also sad) to see considerably more messages than I usually have.

Including repeat messages urging me to reply, making flames of guilt sear through my heart.

I start typing back to them all immediately, not giving it too much thought until I get to Cam’s message.

Unlike the others, his has a slower pace. Less demanding and more measured.

Much like a few of the others who specifically mentioned feeling protected by the anonymity of my blog, he’s yet to make the switch to the filtered voice-notes.

And as much as I want him to, I’m not sure if he ever will.

If I was in his shoes, wanting to stay anonymous at all costs, I don’t think I would switch either.

Voice-altering technology can only hide so much.

So, I read his message in the voice I gave him in my head, like I always have done. Wondering, for the first time, how close or far off I really am.

Hi Closer,

Is it okay if I call you that? As I typed ‘Closer Than Yesterday’ into Google just now, I realised I am actually feeling a lot better than when I first messaged you.

Talking to Gran again is actually helping.

At least, I think. It doesn’t feel like there’s such a huge hole in my life now I’ve started including her in it again.

And I feel a bit more optimistic about going to both new and old places, knowing that I can bring her with me in spirit whenever I like.

Although, it’s not all good news, annoyingly.

I’m finding it hard to deal with other relationships in case I get hurt again.

I love so many people, and it feels like I’m walking around with my heart wide open, just waiting for it to get crushed again.

Humans are so goddamn fragile, the whole immortality concept doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, the more I think about it. Not that people should want immortality for themselves of course, but for the people they leave behind.

The fact your whole world – your family and friends – could get hurt at any time is so scary.

And there’s no backup. No saving ourselves on to a USB or uploading ourselves to the Cloud.

We all just get one body, one chance, and that’s it.

I know I’m rambling now, but I don’t know how to deal with these thoughts yet.

I just feel like I’m hyper-aware of how fragile we all are at the moment.

And I bloody despise it – as you might have guessed Anyway, I hope this doesn’t scare you too.

I’m sorry if it does.

Cam

Gosh. Okay, so he’s not having quite the walk in the park I thought he was. More of a bumpy ride on the struggle bus.

The annoying thing is, so am I. Albeit, not mentally.

It’s nearing midnight and even with my mandarin essential oil that’s supposed to be energising, I’m seriously flagging. But I don’t want him to have to wait any longer, so I give it my best shot before my eyes get too heavy.

My fingers fumble across the keypad and I’m definitely too sleepy to be as eloquent as I usually am, so I just tell him all I know. Which is that life isn’t always painful, but love is. And it only hurts this badly because when it’s good, it’s the best thing in the whole world.

Loving people and being loved is a privilege that’s worth the hurt and worth the risk.

And I really hope that one day, when he’s ready, he’ll realise that being able to say I love so many people is the most amazing thing.

To the extent that it gave me goosebumps just reading it, even in that context.

And even when it’s laced with so much hurt.

Because I know it’s worth every inch of the fear it comes with.

That’s pretty much all I can manage to say right now, but it doesn’t feel right to wait until my head is less fuzzy, so I press Send and snuggle down. I’m going to have to read back over it in the morning, but for now, all I want to do is sleep.