Page 31 of The Chemistry Test

The tension in her face breaks. ‘You notice everything, CJ.’

‘You don’t,’ I quip, reaching over to retrieve the bracelet from the packet of sweets.

‘Give me your arm,’ I say, expecting her to let go of my hand.

Instead, she continues to grip it like a safety blanket and awkwardly crosses her other arm over to me.

I struggle to fasten the ratty-looking thing with one hand, but eventually I get the job done.

Maybe the knots book wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

‘I made that look so hard,’ I laugh, looking at the loosely tied strings. ‘I promise you I’m better with two hands.’

‘Aren’t we all?’ She winks, not skipping a beat even mid-panic attack. I smile back at her just as the seatbelt light in front of us goes off. We’re flying so smoothly that it doesn’t feel like we’re moving at all now.

‘Thank you,’ she says, finally giving me my hand back.

I lean over and tighten the knot for her properly now my hands are free, making sure both ends are the same length. She watches my hands with her mouth slightly open as if I’m doing something far more interesting than tightening a knot.

‘I meant, thank you for everything. For keeping me on the plane even though I was being ridiculous,’ she says, her shoulders slumped in her chair.

I’ve never seen Penny slump like this before.

No matter what she’s doing, she always sits forward, leaning in, engaging as fully as she can.

Even when she’s not well, she rests forwards, either on a table or on an armrest, depending on where she is.

But now, she’s crumpled right back in her seat.

It’s kind of unsettling seeing a non-slumper slump like that.

Like a sunflower that can’t quite hold itself up.

‘It’s not ridiculous. I mean, the fear kind of is,’ I say, which makes her slump even further.

‘The fear’s irrational because you’re not really in danger.

There’s nothing wrong with being on this plane for a while.

You’ve got plenty of space, food and water.

Literally everything you need. But it’s also natural to feel like that, and the way you responded to it wasn’t irrational,’ I say, unwrapping a Rhubarb and Custard. ‘Or ridiculous.’

‘You don’t have irrational fears,’ she says. ‘You’re one of those perfect people who have always got it together.’

I gape at her. ‘Do you really think that?’ I don’t know if I should feel defensive or accomplished. I mean, it’s obviously not true, but that’s the aim, isn’t it? To at least make it look like you’ve got your shit together.

‘Michael told me you got the highest grades in one of his classes last year, even when you didn’t attend the seminars.

I only asked about you because I was worried you’d get behind,’ she says, reaching for the sweets on the fold-down table in front of me.

‘But he just said that he wasn’t worried.

And you never get stressed out over small stuff – or even big stuff, like looking after a kitten who keeps nearly dying,’ she says, biting her lip at how blunt that sounded.

‘You just get on with it. And you’d certainly never have a meltdown over an aeroplane. ’

I had no idea she asked Michael about me. Or that he believed in me like that.

In fact, everything she’s just said has surprised me. ‘Aeroplanes don’t scare me, but there are other things that do,’ I say, contemplating which route to take. Realistically, there are so many things I could tell her.

I pick one of the smaller ones. ‘There are things you’d do without a second thought, that I wouldn’t. The difference is just that I avoid stuff, so no one can tell. All today has shown is that you have more guts than I do.’

She listens intently, some of her shyness evaporating. I try to get the last of it out.

‘Nobody knows this except my sister-in-law – and I’m only telling you so you feel like we’re even on the “vulnerability scale” or whatever, okay?’

‘Okay,’ she says, stretching her arms and leaning forward on one of them. That’s more like it, Penelope Lane.

‘I’m on an HBO show called The Age of Artemisia – I didn’t mention it before in case it sounded like a humblebrag or whatever, but you might have heard of it,’ I say, purposefully moving on before she has time to respond or react.

‘And the premiere for season three is going to be in London for the first time next year – the eleventh of January, to be exact. But I’m dreading it.

Because it’s also the first one since my grandma died, and I usually go with her. ’

‘CJ, aside from the whole acting bombshell – which I’m only letting you gloss over as this is so important to you – that’s not ridiculous. At all ,’ she says, sounding almost ... disappointed? ‘That would be tough for anyone.’

‘That’s because I haven’t told you the ridiculous part yet.’

‘No more interruptions, your honour,’ she says, bowing her head in mock salute.

‘I’m so scared I’m going to back out of it – and I’m ninety per cent sure I will, that I haven’t invited a plus one because I don’t want to let them down at the last minute.

I’ve turned down loads of designers who want to loan me their fancy suits, again because I don’t want to let them down.

’ I run my hands through my hair, pushing it up and out of my face.

‘And I haven’t got a hairstylist because I don’t want to waste their time by booking them in for nothing too. ’

‘What about the other ten per cent?’ she says. Her voice is softer than mine now. ‘What if you do want to go after all?’

‘I’ve bought my own suit and my sister-in-law used to be a hairstylist, so she’ll do that for me.’

‘Will she be your plus one?’

‘No, she’s pregnant at the moment, so she’ll have a newborn in January.

Which is part of the reason I told her – she can’t be let down if she doesn’t want to go.

’ I sigh, it’s a catch-22. ‘And that’s also part of the reason I probably won’t go.

I can’t do it on my own and I can’t ask anyone in case I let them down.

’ I hadn’t realised I was playing with the cuffs of my sleeves.

I roll them back down and then clasp my hands together loosely.

‘What about a parent? Surely you couldn’t let them down – they’d understand,’ she says, smiling.

I shake my head. ‘My parents would understand but they’d also be disappointed if I backed out. Plus, I couldn’t choose between them even if I wanted to – they’d both be equally thrilled to go. And there’s no girlfriend to consider.’

‘How about a friend, then? A friend would understand,’ she says. ‘Even if you change your mind just before you’re about to leave and they’re already wearing a fancy outfit.’

‘And spent all that time getting ready?’

‘Even then.’

I exhale, absent-mindedly reading the safety information on the back of the chair in front of me. ‘So, are we even Stevens now?’

‘Hmm.’ She scratches her head. ‘Yes and no. Your premiere thing cancels out my plane thing, but what I said about you having your stuff together still stands. You’re way ahead of the game in having-your-life-togetherness.

I can’t even sit up enough to study with you after doing one seminar.

’ She’s smiling like she always is, but I know she means what she’s saying.

‘Penny, you have no idea how you come across to other people. You may not be able to spend as long studying, but you’re so goddamn efficient you’re like a different species to everyone else when you put your mind to something.

’ I can’t tell if I raised my voice a little, so I rein it in, just in case.

‘You help people on Instagram. And you never get annoyed at anyone.’ I’m surprised by how easy it is to think of so many things, but I think she needs to hear them, so I keep going.

‘You hand smiles around like you’ve got an unlimited supply – I was the smiley one in Michael’s classes before you got here,’ I say, scowling.

Oh, the irony. ‘And you don’t really get stressed or panicked over stuff either.

I wouldn’t have gone to university at all if I had the dropped-kerb issue, but you didn’t even bat an eyelid at it.

You just graciously accept help from people and move on.

’ She’s basking in the compliments now, swinging from word to word like they’re monkey bars.

And I’m so relieved to see the colour come back to her face that I let her.

‘What I’m trying to say, Penny, is that everyone has their moments. You just can’t always see them.’

‘Hang on, I think I have a shovel in here somewhere.’ She grins, leaning down to get her bag. ‘Because this is getting deep.’