Page 48 of The Chemistry Test

Cam

I turn to November in my planner and start looking through the dates.

Having just submitted that last assignment, it’s actually not a bad time to change classes.

I email Sofia, the programme coordinator, to see if I can change my labs and seminar groups.

She was pretty accommodating last year so I don’t think there’ll be any problems, but I attach a photo of my deadlines for Genetics just in case.

Changing classes mid-semester is never ideal but, realistically, all that’s left is exam prep, so there really couldn’t be a better week to do it. At least, that’s the way I see it.

Under today’s date, I notice that my mum and aunt would’ve been visiting if we were still doing that, and I wonder how different I might feel if they were.

We scrapped the weekly visits back in October since I was going home so often anyway, but it meant I usually missed out on seeing my aunt since she was always at work.

I’m contemplating dropping her a message when Ryan slips through the doorway with two cups of coffee in hand.

‘Alright, Cam?’ he says, setting them down. ‘I made us coffee.’ He gestures at the mugs, letting me know he remembers at least some of what we discussed at the pub the other night. Making coffee for each other isn’t something we usually do.

‘Thanks, mate,’ I say, taking the Captain America one that used to be mine.

Ryan somehow managed to smash all four of his mugs in Freshers’ Week last year, and since he kept asking to borrow one of mine (and not just any one, that specific one), I eventually wrapped it up for him as part of his birthday present last April.

Now, as I take a sip, he’s giving me a funny look – as though I might realise what a great loss it was and ask for it back.

‘I was thinking,’ he starts, picking up the other mug, ‘we could go to the Downs in a bit if you want to?’

Ah. That’s a better explanation for the funny look.

The Downs is where we scattered Gran’s ashes.

It’s a few miles away from her house, in the place she called her second home.

We’ve been there a few times already, but this is the first time I wasn’t the one to suggest it.

Bringing up Gran when I’m not already thinking about her is always a risky move in case it puts me in a bad mood.

But right now, it doesn’t feel like a bad idea.

I nod. ‘I’d be up for that.’ I could do with having Gran around for a while.

When we arrive, there’s no one in sight, and as we get out of the car, I can see why.

The wind is so strong it’s making the thick grasses blow back and forth on themselves, flattening out in every direction.

The whole meadow looks like it’s been trampled on by elephants, and I can’t stop laughing as I watch Ryan battle against the wind to do up his jacket, which is flailing around like an upturned umbrella.

In the end, it takes both of us to get it done.

‘Just two bros doing up each other’s coats a metre apart cos they’re not gay,’ he sings, making me realise how far apart we’re standing. We both move closer at the same time, making us crack up even more.

We’re still chuckling about the ferocious gale-force winds as we head over to the bench, feeling like we’re in some sort of a vacuum as it shoves us forward.

We sit down at the bottom of the valley, and finally I feel some of the pressure give way.

We still have to raise our voices to talk over the abrasive wind as it blows through the dry-stemmed wildflowers and shrubbery, but it’s definitely a bit better down here.

‘So, how’re things?’ Ryan shouts into the open air.

His hair’s pretty long and with the way the wind is blowing, he can’t face me without it swallowing all his features, so he mostly stares straight ahead as I start telling him how much better I’m doing with everything to do with Gran.

Since we’re here because of her, it only seems right to mention her first, despite everything else going on.

And being here, it feels like I’m telling her that I finally feel okay-ish too, which I know she’d want to hear.

And then, perhaps a little too abruptly, the conversation somehow finds its way back to Penny. I need his honest opinion, so I tell him everything I can think of – how I jumped the gun before by walking out on her like that, but also why I did it.

I pass my phone over and let him read the text for himself rather than trying to summarise it all.

‘Was I too quick to judge everything, do you think?’

He scrolls to the end. ‘Hate to say it, man, but maybe. The pair of you could both work on your timing, to be honest – you with leaving, and her with taking a week to explain herself. Maybe that’s what’s blown this whole thing out of proportion.’

I nod, but a few things still aren’t sitting right. ‘What do I do about the stuff I told her, though? I wanted to move on and put it behind me, but how can I do that now?’

‘There’s nothing you can do,’ he says, and I must’ve made some sort of disgruntled noise as he scoops up his hair so he can face me properly.

‘I meant, there’s nothing you can do and that’s a good thing.

Being vulnerable doesn’t make you weak, Cam, it makes you human.

How did she treat you after she found out? ’

I think back to it. ‘There were no signs anything had changed, at all. That’s why it came as such a shock.’

‘See? That’s good, Cam. She found out and nothing changed because she accepts you for you. The idea that some people have baggage and some don’t is a myth. The weight may vary, but no one makes it through life baggage-free.’

I need to think about that more to figure out if it’s actually good advice, but for now, with the sun close to setting, there’s no time.

‘Okay, so say, in theory, Penny and I could get over this. What about that other guy?’ We haven’t spoken about it since it happened so I’m not even sure if he’ll remember that part. We were all pretty wasted by then.

There’s no mention of it in Penny’s message, either.

And to be honest, it’s the main reason I haven’t texted her back.

Before, it felt like there was an unspoken chemistry between us that neither of us wanted to admit to.

But now, after seeing what I saw, it crosses my mind that I could’ve read that situation completely wrong.

Or –and I think this option is more likely – that I was right all along and was just that easy to replace.

Especially since I never spoke up about how I really felt.

Either way, there’s no way in hell I’m about to ask her which one it is.

Whether she replaced me, or just never even saw me as an option in the first place.

The whole thing’s mortifying enough without drawing attention to it and having her spell out to me that she didn’t feel the same way.

That we both were falling, whether we wanted to admit it or not, and it was only a matter of time until we fell together.

Hearing her say I was wrong about that would wreck me a million times more than not knowing.

Ryan makes a face as it all comes back to him. ‘So, this is someone new ... who’s even carrying her around? I just don’t know how she could get to that point in a week.’

I think he’s expecting me to know who the guy is, but I’m as clueless as he is.

‘Yeah. She never mentioned anyone else,’ I say, as if that answers the question.

‘But I also feel like – can I even be upset with her for getting close to someone else when, technically, I was the one who walked away. I never intended to leave her for good , but she might not have known that. And I never told her I liked her like that, either. Mainly cos of my own issues with letting my guard down. But that had nothing to do with her. I hadn’t even admitted to myself that I liked her. ’

I think back to her forlorn expression as she watched me back away from her that day. ‘Leaving like that was the only way I could stay calm, but now I’m wondering how it came across to her. She probably thought I stormed out. And that I didn’t care what I was leaving behind.’

Ryan shakes his head. ‘It wasn’t the best approach, but I understand how you felt in the moment.

Whereas with her, I can’t understand it.

But I guess we know why she took so long to get back to you now.

She was busy with that other guy. And the fact this all played out in under a week probably tells you everything you need to know. ’

I kick at the thick tufts of grass under my feet.

Even though it feels like I’m losing her, I’m very aware that Penny might not be seeing it this way.

From how I’ve handled everything – not just the fallout, but our time together too – it’s definitely possible she sees the situation with the guy as being completely unrelated to her friendship with me.

Which isn’t her fault since I never actually spoke up about how I really felt, but the thought pisses me off all the same.

Because I know now, I can’t just be a friend to her. Not without being jealous and ruining the whole thing. It won’t work.

And I don’t want to risk ruining all our good memories by trying, so I delete the message I’d been drafting to her until I can find the words I’m looking for.

Every time I try to say I forgive her, but just don’t want to be friends anymore, it ends up sounding disingenuous – like I actually am still bitter about her website.

But I can’t exactly bring up the fact I saw her with a guy, days after it happened, without sounding like a creep who’s been watching her from afar. So, for now, I put my phone away until I can dedicate some more time to getting it right, like she did for me.

Finally, there’s a big enough gap in the roaring wind for Ryan to continue.

‘George can be like that too, can’t he?’ he says.

‘I felt bad when he broke up with Belle and then hooked up with someone else the next week, but he just can’t be on his own.

And it doesn’t make him a bad person – some people are just like that.

’ He backtracks. ‘Or not even some people, just some connections are like that.’

We didn’t explicitly talk about it at the time, but I knew Ryan found it awkward.

Especially as he and Belle had naturally gotten closer after I dropped out – when she essentially moved in with them.

‘And even if that guy wasn’t involved, like I said, her timing was weird.

If that were me, I would’ve texted or called you straight away to tell you what actually happened.

’ He sighs, losing some of the hostility.

‘Look. I don’t think she’s a bad person, Cam, that’s not what I mean.

But if she has moved on, it does change things and maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.

Think about George and how well it worked out for him. ’

I’m not being funny, but how about no. Because as much as I love George, I’m finding it hard to see it from his perspective. Because in my situation I’m not George. I’m Belle. And despite her name, she hasn’t gotten her happily-ever-after yet.

My phone vibrates in my pocket even though the noise has been completely drowned out. That didn’t take long – it’s an email from Sofia, the programme coordinator. She’s changed my classes from Tuesdays to Wednesdays. I suppose that’s that then.