Page 65 of The Backup Groom

I clasped my hands together. “Actually, I do like that one. I can try it on when she comes back.”

“Amber!” Maggoty Mercedes said.

My heart almost stopped.

It was amazing how fast my cousin could change my mood.

We turned around to face her.

Maggoty Mercedes didn’t waste any time jumping right into her routine, eying Rectum Ryan up and down. “You must be Ryan Scott. I’m Amber’s cousin, Mercedes. We need to talk.”

“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!” he said in a lively tone.

She blinked. “Excuse me?”

“I can’t believe I’m already meeting Amber’s family. This is all happening so fast.” Rectum Ryan held out his arms in her direction. “Bring it in. I come from a family of huggers.”

Maggoty Mercedes’ eyes were as wide as her shoulders.

Before she could react, Rectum Ryan pulled her in for a hug, smashing her face against his belly button. “I’ll tell ya, there is nothing like family. Nothing, nothing, nothing.” With eachnothingspoken, he swayed back and forth, left, right, left, like he was rocking a baby.

This man was a genius.

She looked completely helpless and horrified.

While he squeezed her like a boa constrictor, he smiled down at me and winked.

I could have kissed him. He definitely wasn’t half bad.

“Let go of me, you big oaf!” Maggoty Mercedes pushed off his stomach to finally break free, then she smoothed out the wrinkles on her blouse. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Rectum Ryan smiled happily. “Spreading love wherever I go. It’s what the world needs now. But I have to say, Amber never told me she had such a drop-dead-gorgeous cousin.” He gave her the once-over, from head to toe. “Yowzers. Maybe I’m marrying the wrong woman!” He turned to me. “Just kidding, pumpkin.”

I played along. “I know, sweet potato.”

“Give me a break,” Maggoty Mercedes said, the vein in her forehead now more prominent. “You two just met—I don’t buy all this lovey-dovey talk.” She glared at Rectum Ryan. “And you may think this is funny, but you need to be careful. Two other Ryan Scotts mysteriously disappeared. What do you think of that?”

He looked nonplussed. “Not a surprise, really. Men don’t ask for directions. Sadly it always bites them in the butt.” He grinned. “A little proctologist humor for you.”

Maggoty Mercedes studied him. “You’re a doctor?”

Rectum Ryan bowed slightly. “Yes, ma’am. I’m thinking of opening up a clinic with a psychiatrist and calling it Odds and Ends.” He cracked himself up. “I never tire of that one.”

She became more insistent. “Listen to me. You are in grave danger. Do you hear me? Do you seriously want to die?”

“I’m not afraid of death,” he answered. “And at least with Amber, I know I would die with a smile on my face.” He reached across and squeezed my hand. “Love you, Pooh Bear.”

“You do not love her, you idiot!” Maggoty Mercedes’ nostrils flared.

The sales clerk, Roxanne, returned. “Is there a problem here?”

“Not at all,” Rectum Ryan said. “She was just leaving.”

Maggoty Mercedes huffed in anger, then shrieked, “This is not over!”

She turned toward the door, but only made it a few steps before one of her stilettos slipped on the marble floor. The exertion required to keep herself from falling activated certain bodily functions, one in particular escaping her backside with the force of a whale’s blowhole, echoing throughout the entire jewelry showroom like a tenor trombone.

“What an unfortunate noise,” I said, grimacing as I watched Maggoty Mercedes hobble out. “I wish there was a way to un-hear that.”