Page 62 of The Backup Groom

“Thank you,” I said, glancing down at the steam rising from the plate, the orange color of the Mexican rice, the melted cheese on the frijoles, and the heavenly scent of the meat.

Scotty was the equivalent of this food: fragrant, tempting, and downright delicious.

Rectum Ryan was an overstuffed burrito I could never finish.

I mentally kicked myself after breaking my promise to not compare the two.

“Mmm mmm, good. Glad your friend recommended these tacos,” Rectum Ryan said, taking another huge bite. “I’m a carnitas fanatic. Burritos, tacos, bowls, quesadillas, you can put it in just about anything.”

“I agree—they’re amazing.” I took another bite of my taco.

My thoughts wandered back to Scotty and what he’d said after we’d done our second shot of tequila.

You’re like the sugar in my coffee.

If that wasn’t the sweetest thing for him to say, I didn’t know what was.

Yes, it was corny, but I was a fan of corny, as long as it was sincere.

“Did you know carnitas are made from pork butt?” Rectum Ryan asked.

I stopped chewing.

There was something inherently wrong with a proctologist eating pork butt.

Suddenly, I wasn’t so eager about eating it myself.

“Relax,” Rectum Ryan said after he saw what I would imagine was a horrified look on my face. “It’s called pork butt, but the meat actually comes from the shoulder of the pig. Carnitas is the Mexican version of pulled pork.”

I relaxed my shoulders and let out a sigh of relief. “You scared me.”

“Sorry.” Rectum Ryan chuckled. “It surprised me when I got your email out of the blue asking me out on a date. I rarely do blind dates, but when you mentioned you had a kick-ass business proposal that could make me an easy million dollars, you certainly got my attention. So, who is Stella? Your agent or lawyer?”

When Huck the Schmuck had made me sit through yet another unnecessary meeting, I’d had Stella contact Rectum Ryan to change our date time.

“No, she looks out for me,” I replied. “Stella is a very good friend.”

“Good friends are hard to find,” he agreed.

“So true,” I said, glad to hear he had a soft side.

Maybe I was being too judgmental. Rectum Ryan wasn’t such a bad guy. Only time would tell if he would end up being my groom, but I was smart enough to know I didn’t have many other options.

Luckily, there had been no sign of Maggoty Mercedes, which was the best news of all. But to be on the safe side, I needed to get down to business.

First, I had to collect my thoughts. Rectum Ryan had thrown me for a loop, and so had Scotty. I couldn’t take my eyes off the ball. As much as I wanted to spend more time with him, I had to get back to the present if I wanted any kind of chance at my inheritance.

Three.

Breathe.

Two.

Breathe deeper.

One.

Keep breathing.