Page 6 of The Atonement (Arrangement #3)

CHAPTER FIVE

AINSLEY

T he kids knew something was wrong.

I was doing a terrible job fooling them, despite my best effort.

When I’d finally made it back to Mom’s house, they were sitting together on the couch while Mom flitted about, dusting this and wiping that.

Maisy had a book in her lap and Dylan was scrolling through his phone while Riley played a video game on his handheld system.

To someone who didn’t know them, they might look normal, but I knew better.

Maisy had been staring at the same page for far too long to actually be reading, Dylan was scrolling so aimlessly I knew he wasn’t paying attention, and Riley was losing repeatedly at a game I’d seen him beat a thousand times.

I was hurting them.

I went upstairs, changing into something more comfortable and splashing water over my face before returning to the living room. Practically at once, the kids looked up.

“Hey, Momma.” Maisy’s smile was soft and hopeful.

I sank down next to her, patting her leg.

“Did you take care of everything?” Dylan asked. “Can we go home now?”

I had no idea what I was going to say or how I was going to explain any of this to them. I only knew I couldn’t put this off any longer.

“I—”

“Kids, I think I have some ice cream in the refrigerator. Would you like some?” Mom asked, interrupting me.

“Nah.” Maisy moved closer to me.

“I’m okay,” Dylan told her.

Riley looked like he might’ve been prepared to take her up on the offer, but after his siblings’ dismissal, he said, “No thanks.”

She stared at them, her lips forming a thin line as she waved the white cloth in her hand to fan herself.

“It’s okay, Mom.” I nodded, understanding what she was doing, though I couldn’t quite understand why.

“Could I talk to you for a second, Ainsley?” Her eyes flicked toward the kitchen. “In there.”

For a moment, I was twelve years old again, being summoned to another room to be scolded out of earshot of our guests. I blinked back to reality. This wasn’t that. I wasn’t in trouble. I couldn’t be in trouble.

I stood from the couch, patting Maisy’s shoulder and offering a reassuring smile. “I’ll be right back. ”

My mother led the way toward the kitchen, and I sat down across from her at the island.

“Ice cream?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood. “Since when do you keep ice cream in the house?”

“I don’t.” Her lips were stiff. “It was left here by a friend.” The way she said friend had my curiosity piqued, but I didn’t press the issue.

Maybe my mother was dating someone new after all.

“It’s one of those healthy ice creams—no carbs, no sugar, no dairy.

I didn’t think it should be thrown out.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Besides, I was just trying to prevent you from making a terrible mistake.”

Cue the dramatics.

“A terrible mistake?”

“You were about to tell the children that Peter has left you, weren’t you?”

It was as if she’d spoken a foreign language. It took several seconds for me to comprehend what she’d said. “Um, what? Why would you assume he left me ? Why would you assume anyone left anyone? ”

“That’s what you told me, isn’t it?”

There was the mother I knew. Right on schedule. She only remembered what she chose to, and it was very rarely accurate.

I scoffed. “No, it isn’t what I told you. I said we’re taking time apart.”

“So, you’re separated?”

I hesitated, but there was no use denying it. “We…aren’t using those terms exactly, but yes.”

My mother fell forward on the counter as if she’d been punched in the stomach. “Oh, god!” She dropped the cloth in her hand, covering her mouth. “Oh, god, Ainsley, what have you done?”

“Why do you assume it’s anything I’ve done?”

She shook her head, resting a cheek against the counter. “Do you have any idea what this will be like for you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Divorce, Ainsley! Divorce. That nasty little D word. I tried to shield you from it as much as possible growing up. I tried to make sure you never saw the worst parts, but still, I couldn’t protect you from everything.

You see what the divorce did to me. Here I am, struggling to keep up with the house and all the bills your father left behind.

Do you see your father struggling? Well, you won’t.

Because divorced men have it easy. They aren’t tainted goods like we are.

You mark my words, if you give Peter the chance to find out he has options that don’t involve coming home every night to a nagging wife and chores, he’ll surely take it.

Whatever you have to do, whatever you have to say, you make this right.

” She wagged her finger at me. “You make this right today. Before Peter has a chance to realize what an opportunity he has in front of him. Because he will. And then…” She sighed, shaking her head with a haunted look in her eyes. “Then it’ll be too late.”

Bitterness filled my chest. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I?” she challenged, squaring her shoulders to mine. “Take a good long look at my life, honey. Unless you want this to be yours, I suggest you start watering the grass at home and making sure your husband is taken care of.”

I stood, indignation filling me. She had no idea what I’d done in order to make my marriage work. She had no idea what I’d sacrificed all in the name of making my husband happy.

I was my mother’s daughter, after all.

But I had someone new to think about now. A daughter of my own. And I would be mortified to learn she’d done even half of what I had in order to save a marriage with a man who didn’t deserve her.

And Peter didn’t deserve me.

“I know you fought to keep Dad around after he found out about your affair—”

She fell forward again with a dramatic gasp. “You just had to dig the knife in on that, didn’t you?”

“I know you tried, Mom,” I went on. “I do. And I know Dad has gone on to build what you probably think is a pretty nice life. But not every divorce is that way. And not every marriage is worth saving—”

“But yours is—”

“You know nothing about my marriage,” I spat, my tone more biting than I’d meant it to be.

She pulled back from the counter in shock.

I put my hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, but you don’t.

Believe me, I have tried. I have tried everything I know to do.

But I will not put myself second for the sake of my marriage.

I will not put those kids second. Maybe that’s the life you want for me, but it’s not what I want for my children.

It’s not what I would want for Maisy. And if our marriage isn’t what I’d want for her, then what am I even doing? ”

“Kids don’t know any better. They don’t see the unhappiness. No one’s truly happy.” She waved it off as if happiness were as realistic as sprouting wings and flying away. “What those kids need is two parents who will stay together no matter what. They need stability. Have I taught you nothing?”

“ I can give them stability. Trust me, I am much more stable without Peter than I ever was with him.”

“I doubt that.” She shook her head, turning away from me.

“Maisy needs her father. Those boys need a good male role model. If you let Peter leave, it’s pure selfishness.

If you can live with that, fine, but don’t trick yourself into believing you’re doing it for the kids, Ainsley.

You’re doing it for yourself. Because it’s the easiest thing for you.

If you can live with that, I guess there’s nothing left to say.

” With that, she picked up the cloth once again and stormed from the room, leaving me to process everything she’d said.

It had been a mistake to come here, that much was obvious. But what choice did I have? Where could we go?