Page 15 of The Atonement (Arrangement #3)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

AINSLEY

C hecking into a hotel with cash was, apparently, not as easy as they make it appear on television. Despite the fact that I was willing to pay for the entire stay up front, the hotel required a card to be put on file.

“You’re sure this won’t end up on my statement at all?” I asked, for what must’ve been the third or fourth time. The woman behind the counter, whose name tag told me her name was Heather, didn’t meet my eye as she answered.

“I assure you, ma’am, unless there are damages, we won’t need to charge your card. You’ve put the cash deposit down for incidentals, so you’re covered. It’s just policy.” She looked up finally, making eye contact with each of the kids, and then me. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“No.” I tapped the room key on the counter and stepped back. “Thank you. ”

“Your elevator is this way.” She pointed down the hall to her right, turning back to the book she’d placed facedown and open on the counter when we walked in.

I led the kids toward the elevator, checking over my shoulder every few moments to be sure they were with me and we weren’t being followed. I knew my husband, and I knew what he was capable of under normal circumstances, but when fearing him, he’d suddenly turned into a supervillain in my mind.

I worried he’d bugged every room or building I entered.

I worried he could disguise himself as everyone I passed.

I worried he’d hacked my phone to track my location.

It was maddening, not knowing where he was or what his next move would be.

I considered calling him again, but if the last call was any indication, I assumed he wouldn’t answer.

The room we checked into was small and smelled vaguely of stale cigarette smoke despite it being a nonsmoking room.

“Don’t put your bags on the floor,” I warned, when Riley dropped his next to the bed.

“Germs.” They followed my lead, placing their bags next to mine on the desk on the far side of the room.

I spun around, my eyes traveling the room—the bright-white comforter and padded headboard, the mysteriously stained carpet, the raised water rings on the television stand.

It wasn’t the nicest hotel I’d ever stayed at—far from it, in fact—but it was somewhere we could stay for quite a while with the cash I’d withdrawn, and that was what I needed .

“Alright, I need a shower. What do you guys want to do tonight? Should we order pizza?”

“I want to go home, Mom. That’s what I want to do tonight.” I turned to face my son, surprised by the harshness of his tone. Dylan stared at me, his jaw tight. He looked so much like his father at that moment it brought tears to my eyes. He gestured toward Riley at his side. “We all do.”

I released a puff of air, sinking down onto the bed behind me.

“I know, guys. I know.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes shut to stave off the migraine I could feel forming.

“Look, I’ve been trying to avoid this, but…

” I patted the bed next to me finally. There was no use trying to lie anymore.

They needed to know something. I couldn’t keep hiding it all from them.

This wasn’t the arrangement anymore. They deserved to know as much as I could tell them.

“It’s time I told you all what’s going on. ”

Maisy sat down beside me. Her features were so childlike, maybe more than I’d noticed in so long. She was still a child. A baby. How could I ever tell her the truth about the horrors her parents had caused?

Dylan and Riley took a seat opposite us, their stances and expressions so similar it was getting hard to tell them apart.

“We can handle it.” Dylan’s voice was low. He thought he was prepared for anything.

“Your father and I are taking some time apart.” I’d never uttered anything as painful as that sentence.

I watched the weight of it wash over my children, as real as if I’d told them someone had died.

I guess, in a way, someone had. The family we’d once been would never be whole again.

“I’m sorry to tell you this way. I wanted to handle it so much better than this.

But I can’t keep hiding it from you anymore.

” I rubbed Maisy’s back as she stared at me, her expression vacant and haunted.

“So…you’re getting a divorce?” Riley asked, looking to his brother for assurance.

“Well, we haven’t made any decisions,” I offered. Then, not wanting to give them false hope, I added, “But, yes. Most likely, we’re going to be getting a divorce.”

“Why?” Maisy’s question was barely audible, a breath more than a word.

“Well, it’s…complicated. But I guess the simplest answer is that we both want different things right now.

” Looking for guidance, I tried to replay every divorce conversation I’d ever seen on TV, any of which would be better than the divorce conversation I’d had with my mother as I watched my dad disappear down the driveway without a goodbye.

He’s decided he doesn’t love us anymore, she’d said, simple as that.

It was the only discussion we’d ever had about the subject, and it wasn’t until years later I found out it was my mother’s affair that had caused their marriage to unravel.

“The most important thing is that you understand how much your daddy and I love you. Because we both love the three of you so, so much. And none of this is your fault. We’ve just grown apart and…

we tr ied to fix it every way we knew how, but it didn’t work.

Nothing worked. And sometimes…” I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tear trailing down my cheek.

I brushed it away quickly. “Sometimes things just don’t work out.

Sometimes people are more broken together than they could ever be apart. ”

“But if you still love each other…there has to be a way.” Glimmering tears trailed down Maisy’s pink cheeks.

“There’s not, honey. I wish there was, I really do.”

“So what does that mean?” Dylan asked. He was trying to be strong, maybe for his siblings, maybe for me. His voice was steady, cheeks pale, jaw locked tight. His hands formed fists in his lap. “What happens to us?”

“Well, what do you mean? Nothing happens to you.”

“Who will we live with? Do we get to decide?”

The question was a knife to my gut. From what I’d read in my late-night doom scrolling, they were old enough…

what if they did get to decide? What if they chose Peter?

What if—despite doing everything I’d done to protect my kids—what if I lost them anyway?

What if I lost them because they chose to leave me?

I swallowed, dusting away another tear. “Is that, um, is that what you want?”

Dylan was slow to answer, not meeting my eyes. “I want to talk to Dad.”

“You will,” I promised. “You’ll get to. But right now, he’s away on a project, and we agreed it would be best if you stayed with me for the time being. ”

“So, why are we here, then?” he asked. “Why can’t we go home?”

“We will. We’re just sorting a few things out.”

“It feels like we’re hiding.”

“We’re not hiding,” I lied. Now I couldn’t meet his eye.

“Can we talk to him? I’ve been trying to call him, but he isn’t answering,” Dylan said, lifting his phone and staring at the screen.

I nodded, relieved that I’d had the forethought to block their father’s numbers from their phones and block the children’s numbers from his before we’d left for Florida.

At the time, it had seemed silly. Just one more scenario for me to overthink.

But now, I was incredibly grateful I’d taken the time to do it.

I forced a smile, unwilling to let the hurt I felt over the attempts to contact his father outweigh my relief that he couldn’t. “He’s working on a project in the mountains, and I don’t think he has great service. I’m sure he’ll call you as soon as he can.”

“What if he doesn’t?” He stood from the bed.

“What do you mean?”

“What if he doesn’t call? What if he doesn’t want to talk to us?” He couldn’t stop the tears that fell then, or the way his voice cracked as he asked the final question.

“Oh, sweetheart.” I stood, reaching out my arms for him, but he backed away.

“Just don’t.”

I dropped my arms, nodding slowly. “Dylan, your father would do anything to be here with you right now. You know that. We wanted to tell you together. He wanted to be here for you. This is… I know how hard it is for you, guys. Believe me, I do. It’s the last thing we ever wanted to do. I know how much it hurts—”

“Oh, save it, Mom—”

“I do. I know. I remember. We did everything we could to prevent this. I did everything I could—”

“Not everything, obviously,” he said with a shrug. “Because here we are. And, what do you know? It hurts all the same.” With that, he strutted toward the door and jerked it open.

“Dylan, wait—”

He turned back around, the door still open. “You know, you say you know what this feels like, but if that’s true…you’d have to be the most selfish person on the planet to do it anyway.”

His words sucked the air from my lungs. I took a step back, bitter tears burning my eyes. I was powerless to stop him from leaving the room, to stop him from leaving me.

Just like I’d been powerless to stop Peter.

A hand on my back caused me to jolt, and I looked over, realizing Riley was standing next to me. His smile was small and sad, and I wanted to bundle him up and take all the pain away from him. From all of them.

“I’m so sorry, bud.” I dropped to my knees and let his head rest on my shoulder, no longer worried about the filthy carpet as I wrapped my arms around him, comforting his silent tears. “I’m so sorry.”

I heard the bed shift under Maisy’s weight and felt her hand in my hair. They were comforting me as much as I was comforting them at that moment. When I looked up, she rested her head on my opposite shoulder, hugging me back.

“It’s all going to be okay,” I vowed. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I promise you, it’s all going to be okay.”

Somehow, someway, I’d make sure that was true.