Page 22 of The Atonement (Arrangement #3)

CHAPTER NINETEEN

AINSLEY

I was several miles from the house before I stopped shaking. Several more miles away before I realized I was crying. The amount of adrenaline it had taken to face him again, to face my mistakes again, was enormous, and coming down from that high was painful and exhausting.

I drove in silence, checking the rearview mirror every few minutes for signs of him. I knew him better than to believe he was just going to let me go, though I hoped I was wrong. Peter was stubborn, almost as stubborn as I was, and determined.

I thought about what he’d said. Was he right about why I hadn’t killed him myself? It was possible. As much as I hated him, as much as I wanted him out of my life, the idea of having his blood literally on my hands made me feel ill.

If he could just leave me alone, if we could just walk away from each other before someone else had to get hurt, wasn’t that better? I had to believe so .

The sound of my phone ringing penetrated the silence, and I jumped, watching as the screen on the dashboard lit up to announce an incoming call.

I knew it was Peter without seeing the screen, which was why when I stared at my mother’s name, I had to blink twice to be sure I wasn’t seeing things.

“Mom?”

“Ainsley, where are you?”

“I’m…driving. Why?”

“Are you crying?” she asked, sounding distracted.

“No,” I lied.

“You sound like you’ve been crying.”

“I’m fine, Mom.”

“Well, when is your flight?”

“Oh, I’m not sure. I haven’t booked it yet.”

“Why not? I thought that was why you needed my credit card number last night.”

“No,” I said simply. “Er, well, yes, it was. I used your card to load a prepaid visa, so we could book a flight when we’re ready. Thank you again for letting me do that. I’ll stop by your house this afternoon and bring the cash to pay you back for it.”

“I still don’t understand why you couldn’t just pay for them from your own account. What’s the deal with all this cash? Are you dealing drugs now? Is that why Peter left you?”

“No, Mom, I’m not dealing drugs.” I rubbed the stress wrinkle from my forehead. “I told you, Peter and I decided to close the accounts in our name and open separate ones, in order to keep things civil while we figure out what we’re doing. I just haven’t had a chance to open my new one yet.”

“I really think you’re jumping the gun on this, Ainsley. It all seems very dramatic.”

I bit my tongue, gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. “Yeah, well…it’s done. Thanks again.”

“ Wait— ” she cried, before I could hang up.

“What?”

“Come home,” she said, then cleared her throat. “Come back to my house. I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry for not understanding. I just…let me help you.”

“Mom, it’s fine, honestly. I’ve got—”

“I’m not offering because I think you can’t handle it. I know you better than that. I’m offering because you’re my daughter. I may not always know the right thing to say, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to…you know… It doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

It was the closest I’d ever come to hearing my mother say she loved me.

“I’ve already paid for the hotel room. But I appreciate your offer. Really, I do.”

She sighed. “Okay, well, do the kids need anything? Maybe I could order your dinner and have it delivered.”

“No, I’ve got it covered. We’re all fine. We have money and food, and we’ll be out of here soon. I just had to take care of a few last-minute errands.”

“Well, when will you be back?”

“I’m not sure,” I lied again. “Maybe a few months. ”

“What about their school? And work? Will I see you at Thanksgiving?”

“Once we get where we’re going, I’ll enroll them in a new school.

Or…homeschool. Maybe I’ll do one of those online programs for the year.

And, I’m still figuring out my work situation.

I have no idea about any of the holidays.

I’ll let you know. It’s all happening pretty quickly, and I can only take it one step at a time. ”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just stay with me?” she offered. “I can move my exercise equipment out of the spare room to give the kids a bedroom. They’d still be able to go to their schools, and you could go to work. It seems that would make the most sense.”

“We have to get out of here, Mom. I can’t…I can’t stay here.”

“Are you sure the kids are okay with that?”

“They will be. They like to travel, and it’s not permanent. Just for the year.”

She was silent for a while. “Well, at least let your father share some of his miles with you. Lord knows how many that man’s racked up.”

“We’ll be fine, Mom. Honestly.”

“Okay, well, check in occasionally. Let me know you’re all still alive.”

“I will.”

“And be careful, okay?” Her voice was soft. Vulnerable in a way I’d never heard it.

“We will.”

“Okay, I have to go. Matt’s helping me to fix a broken fence post in the backyard.”

“Matt the neighbor?”

“Don’t say it like that, as if he’s just the neighbor.”

“He is just the neighbor, Mom. You just met him.”

“I’ll have you know that sometimes…two souls just connect.”

“Did you just tell me you think he’s your soul mate?” I grimaced.

“Oh, Ainsley, honestly. Don’t be ridiculous. I’m going now. Goodbye.”

With that, she ended the call and I shook my head, too worried about my own problems to concern myself with my mother’s.

Even if, for a split second, she’d managed to find her heart, I had years of experience to tell me it wouldn’t last long.

Whatever sort of sentimental itch my mother had gotten, I knew who she was down deep.

Maybe she was just bored. Maybe she was feeling guilty over our fight.

Either way, she’d find something else to busy herself with soon, and the kids and I would be just another thing she didn’t have time for.

Maybe Matt would be the next project she took on. All I knew was that I was done concerning myself with other people’s lives before my own.

I’d saved my children. They were safe with Glennon and Seth, I had no doubts.

Now, it was time to save myself.